by Isha Inamdar
Another fear gripped Rudra suddenly. He didn’t know if Anjana would have told Harsh the whole story or if she had embellished it and made it sound like it was all his fault? That could explain Harsh’s behaviour when he first saw Rudra in the room and his mocking question.
Breaking his reverie, Harsh responded, ‘Oh, NJ and Bhaiyya had hit it off pretty well. I thought they would be in touch even after we returned home.’
Winking at Harsh, Sam laughed it off saying, ‘Women are nothing like men – they’re incredibly complicated beings! Who has ever understood a woman?’
Rudra smiled at Sam, feeling helpless. He couldn’t talk about this in front of Sam, a stranger. And he knew he couldn’t talk this through without Kaavya. He decided to let Harsh be for now and walked out of the room with a heavy heart.
This was his house and his own brother. He had spent most of his childhood with them. But he had never felt more disconnected from both as he did at that moment. He knew things had fallen apart. He could feel it.
Chaos
8 November, 2010
All day, Rudra was extremely restless. There were times when he would decide to talk it out with Harsh the moment Harsh returned. Minutes after, he would change his mind and decide to wait till Kaavya was back from her honeymoon.
As he sat for lunch, lost in thought, he didn’t see his mother standing at the far end of the room observing him. Deep within, he knew he was chickening out. Deep within, he knew he was procrastinating talking to Harsh because he feared the outcome. However, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to listen to his small voice or ignore it.
The other thing that bothered him was the fact that he’d felt hurt when he had realized that Anjana had left Phalodi without meeting him. Why? Why was this woman so important to him?
‘Beta, is everything all right?’ asked his mother as he sat playing with his food.
He quickly pulled a smile across his face and looking at her, he said, ‘Yes, Maa.’
When he saw his mother wasn’t satisfied with his answer, he used the most obvious excuse, ‘Just missing Kaavya…’
Rudra’s mother knew just how much he had been dependent on Kaavya. Though he would deny having emotional needs, Kaavya was the only one with he opened his heart to. She hugged him and hoped that he would be able to adapt to this new life with his sister away.
Rudra was glad for the hug. He always found solace in his mother’s embrace – it was the silent strength she gave him, the notion that it would be all be okay. Rudra squeezed his mother’s arm with a reassuring nod and got up. He needed some time to figure out what he was going to do. He was now ashamed beyond imagination. He hoped Harsh would somehow find in his heart to forgive him and that their family wouldn’t be affected by what had happened between him and NJ. He hoped that his mother would never find out about him and Anjana.
He groaned as he sat on a chair on his terrace. He sat there in silence, trying with all his might to not think about Anjana. Yet, every time he would think of apologizing to Harsh, his mind would flood with images of kissing Anjana. And each time he would remind himself that feeling this way was wrong, his heart would question how something that felt so right could be wrong. It was almost dusk when he heard Harsh’s car drive in. Mustering all his courage, Rudra got up.
‘Hi Bhaiyya!’ exclaimed Harsh as he saw Rudra climb down the stairs. ‘You should have come with us to the park – we had so much fun!’
Harsh’s animosity had completely disappeared and he was behaving his normal self. Behind Harsh, he saw a horde of people including his cousins, Sam, Divya and Dhruv’s friends, Prabhjot and Jeet. Not wanting to be a part of the group and having to fake happiness, Rudra excused himself on the pretence of a headache.
‘Oye, what headache?’ asked Divya.
Divya was one pain in the ass! She was the only other one apart from Kaavya who had the courage and the audacity to question him thought Rudra. And though he was fond of her, her question today irritated him.
‘Just a headache, Divya,’ he said sternly before turning around and walking away.
Moments ago, he had gone downstairs thinking he’d talk it out with Harsh. The entourage that Harsh had come home with dissuaded him and Rudra was irritated with himself. He knew he was in for another sleepless night.
The End of the Beginning
9 November, 2010
The next morning, when Rudra came downstairs for breakfast and found Harsh sitting alone in front of the TV, without allowing himself to consider his actions and change his mind, he said, ‘I need to talk to you.’
Harsh was instantly alert. The phrase ‘need to talk’ always terrified him. Sam always used it when they needed to discuss an ‘issue’. And then the discussion would become an argument and the argument would turn into a fight. Harsh had always hated fights. He put the TV on mute, looked up at Rudra and wondered what his brother wanted to talk about.
‘Ah, good that both you are here,’ said their mother, walking in just then. Looking at Rudra’s serious expression, she stopped. It wasn’t very often that she would find Rudra and Harsh having a serious conversation. And more often than not, a serious conversation meant Harsh had been up to something. ‘What is it?’ she asked her boys, intending the question for Harsh more than Rudra.
Harsh turned to respond to his mother defensively but before he could say anything, Rudra interrupted and said, ‘Nothing, Maa. I just want to talk to Harsh about something.’
Feeling relieved, their mother sat down on the couch and looked expectantly at Rudra. There was nothing in the world that her boys had ever hidden from her. And she didn’t expect to hear the next words out of Rudra’s mouth.
‘Maa, would you please excuse us? I wish to discuss this with Harsh only.’
Not knowing how to react, she nodded, got up and walked away. Rudra looked extremely uncomfortable. Harsh had never seen him so worked up – he looked as if he was at his wit’s end. ‘Could we go out?’ Rudra asked.
Nodding, Harsh went into the garden with Rudra. Looking at Rudra’s demeanour, Harsh began to fear – had Rudra found out about Sam? Had Rudra seen him go in Sam’s bedroom last night? Or had Rudra had seen them this morning? He had known he should not have spent the night with Sam.
Rudra turned around and looked Harsh in the eye. This was it and he owed it to Harsh. He had to make Harsh see why he had done what he had done, apologize to him and save his relationship with his brother. He couldn’t afford to lose Harsh.‘I am sorry,’ he began.
Harsh was startled – an apology was the last of his expectations. Confused, he waited for Rudra to continue.
Rudra waited for a moment before continuing, ‘I know I have hurt you. You have every right to be angry, to punish me.’
It was difficult, Rudra had to admit, this conversation was extremely difficult. He didn’t know what he should say next. He didn’t know what would be the right or the wrong thing to say any more. He closed his eyes to gain a little control over his thoughts and decided to speak from his heart.
‘I don’t know how it happened. I had gone in to her room only to apologize to her and it all went crazy. I really am sorry, Harsh,’ he said breathlessly.
Hurt me? Angry at you? Apologize to me? Nothing made sense to Harsh. In his head, he was rejoicing and thanking God. Bhaiyya hadn’t found out about Sam – his secret was safe and nothing else mattered! But Rudra’s eyes were brimming with tears. Looking at him, Harsh felt guilty for his selfish excitement and asked, ‘What are you talking about, Bhaiyya?’
Rudra was completely taken by surprise. He asked, ‘Didn’t Anjana tell you before leaving?’
‘Uh … no? What did she not tell me?’ Harsh asked agitatedly. Rudra was having a secret conversation with him about NJ? It all just didn’t add up!
Rudra looked at Harsh helplessly. Shit, he thought. ‘We kissed,’ Rudra blurted out.
Forgetting for a moment that Rudra was talking about having kissed his girlfriend and that he should act super pissed o
ff, Harsh simply asked, ‘And?’
Rudra was embarrassed at Harsh’s question. Was he asking if Rudra had slept with his girlfriend? He reasoned that Harsh’s question wasn’t completely baseless and replied, ‘And nothing, Harsh. Nothing else happened. I realized my mistake and I stepped back.’
Harsh was now trying to process this piece of information. Wait, what! Bhaiyya kissed NJ, my supposed girlfriend. How am I supposed to react?
Then his mind was spinning. Bhaiyya? And NJ? He didn’t know his brother was a frivolous person. But NJ? She always maintained a distance from guys. A boyfriend would slow her down and distract her from becoming the best DJ in Mumbai she’d said always.
Anger suddenly boiled within him and he asked, ‘Did you force yourself on her, Bhaiyya?’ NJ was after all best friend.
‘No. No, I didn’t,’ came Rudra’s reply. ‘I am sorry Harsh – I am really, really sorry,’ Rudra added.
‘So, she kissed you back?’ asked Harsh, trying hard to not sound intrigued.
‘Yes, she did,’ came Rudra’s timid reply. ‘I am sorry, Harsh.’
Harsh was utterly confused altogether. What had happened here? NJ and Bhaiyya? Things made no sense. What if NJ and Bhaiyya had fallen for each other? Was this the moment he told his brother all his secrets? Things could get so complicated!
And why hadn’t NJ told him about all this before leaving? She had left immediately because she had to perform at a huge gig, but it wasn’t as if she couldn’t have discussed this with him! Dammit, NJ.
‘Harsh, say something, please!’ said Rudra.
Harsh struggled to focus on the conversation. ‘How could you, Bhaiyya?’ Harsh said, in a feeble attempt at anger.
Rudra was too deep in his guilt to see through Harsh’s pathetic act. He assumed Harsh was angry at him and started apologizing profusely, ‘I am sorry, Harsh! I really am.’
Harsh turned his back to Rudra, trying to figure out how he should react. Damn you, NJ. Why couldn’t you give me a heads-up before leaving?
‘Harsh?’ Rudra called out to his little brother. He didn’t want to lose him. And he was ready to go to any length to make amends. When Harsh didn’t turn, Rudra began to lose hope. He got teary-eyed and choked out, ‘Harsh, please forgive me.’
Hearing his elder brother’s choked-up voice shook up Harsh. His bhaiyya was a strong individual, and seldom showed emotions. This must have really affected him he thought guiltily. ‘Bhaiyya, have you fallen for her?’ he asked, in an attempt to understand what had transpired here. He prayed silently, fervently. Let it be a slip … an infatuation … something that ended after the fleeting moment it happened in … please God!
But what if Bhaiyya was indeed in love with NJ?
Rudra was shaken up by the question. Was he truly in love? This was nothing like what he had felt for Lalita. When he had been with Lalita, he had felt a desire to be with her, to possess her. But this was different. Anjana had struck chords that he hadn’t even known existed in him.
He steeled himself and replied, ‘No, Harsh. This isn’t love.’
Harsh turned around to face Rudra once again, ‘Are you sure, Bhaiyya?’
Rudra nodded, fearful that if he tried to speak, he might choke.
Harsh had initially planned to concoct a story after a few months where something would have gone wrong between NJ and him and he could announce a breakup to his family. This would have taken care of the marriage issue for at least the next two years. And if possible, he would permanently rebuff the idea of marriage under the pretext of being heartbroken. However, he also saw the incident between Bhaiyya and NJ as an opportunity to break up with NJ. All he needed to do was free Rudra of his guilt.
‘Don’t worry, Bhaiyya. I know this wasn’t your fault,’ he said to Rudra. Immediately, he began plotting a story in his head where he would make NJ out to be a woman with no morals.
Rudra was surprised. Not only had Harsh not thrown a fit, he was now consoling him!
‘I didn’t tell you earlier because I didn’t want to, but this has happened before,’ Harsh said dryly.
‘What has?’ Rudra questioned.
Harsh solemnly said, ‘I once caught her kissing a guy – a friend at that. Back then, I trusted NJ and thought my friend had indeed forced himself on her. I even had an argument with him.’
Harsh stopped for a dramatic pause. He could see his story was having the effect he wanted. Rudra believed every word he had uttered. He continued, ‘But now, I wonder – was she telling the truth? Or was it a different story that I hadn’t been able to see at that point?’
Rudra couldn’t believe his ears. Was Anjana really so shallow? He was heartbroken at finding out this side of Anjana. ‘No,’ he muttered under his breath, not even meaning to say it out loud.
Harsh turned and looked at Rudra quizzically.
‘Are you sure?’ Rudra asked.
‘You think I would make something like this up about NJ?’ Harsh asked incredulously. ‘And even if I was making it up, give me one good reason why I would do it?’
Rudra started shaking his head defensively. He hadn’t meant to offend Harsh but it was really difficult to accept Anjana in the colours that Harsh had just painted her in. ‘Of course not!’ exclaimed Rudra and fell silent.
The brothers continued to sit on the bench in silence for a few minutes, lost in thought. Harsh was happy that the girlfriend chapter had ended on its own, even if he had to colour NJ black in the process. Rudra was trying to reconcile Anjana, his love, as the heartless woman who could play with Harsh’s feelings as well as his.
High and Away
9 November, 2010
Sam noticed Harsh sitting on the bench with a solemn face and wondered what was wrong. What was going on between the brothers? What was the serious discussion all about and why were their faces so long? The most negative thoughts seem like the most plausible ones in times of great anxiety and Harsh’s fear that his family would find out about them was all Sam could think of. Had Rudra found out about them? What would Rudra do now? Would Harsh be able to convince his family?
‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’ exclaimed Sam when he heard Harsh’s minute-by-minute account of the conversation he’d had with Bhaiyya in his room.
‘Nope!’ replied Harsh.
‘Rudra Bhaiyya and NJ!’ he screeched. Clearly, Sam was having more trouble dealing with NJ having kissed a man than Harsh had had believing that his best friend and his brother had actually had a go at it. Sam was moving around the room agitatedly. Suddenly, he stopped, a look of concern crossing his face.
‘What if NJ has actually fallen in love with Rudra?’ he asked.
Harsh looked at Sam with helpless disbelief. ‘No,’ he said, more to convince himself. Flatly, he added, ‘I asked Bhaiyya if there was more to their kiss than chemistry, and he said no.’
‘I can’t believe it! There has to be more to the story than this,’ Sam concluded. He wasn’t as close to NJ as Harsh was, but he prided himself on being very perceptive. He was certain that she would not have kissed a stranger, especially Harsh’s brother whom she barely knew, unless there was something more than just a stray lustful moment.
Harsh was seething with anger at NJ and turned around to hide it from Sam. ‘Yes, there is,’ he said, as calmly as he could. At Sam’s questioning expression, he continued, ‘I could have gotten fucked. We could have been caught. NJ risked our lives for a moment’s pleasure.’
Sam was rattled at Harsh’s aggression. He realized he had never seen Harsh so mad at NJ.
In an attempt to console Harsh, he began to say, ‘Maybe…’
‘No, Sam. There are no maybes here,’ Harsh said. ‘Even if it was a stupid, meaningless kiss, I don’t understand why she couldn’t tell me about it.’ Mocking NJ, he continued, ‘She could have at least said “By the way, I kissed your brother. Sorry if this fucks your plan to make your family believe I am your girlfriend.”’
‘Maybe she was in a rush and it slipped her min
d…?’ Sam suggested.
Harsh scoffed at Sam and spat out, ‘You know she was in no real hurry, Sam. She met you as well before leaving, right?’
‘Yeah, she did. I thought it was quite weird but I played along and said goodbye,’ drawled Sam.
Harsh sat sulking and Sam couldn’t disagree with Harsh – even if the kiss had meant nothing to NJ, she should have informed Harsh about it. He was still trying to figure out why NJ hadn’t told them about the incident before leaving.
Harsh sat on the rocking chair, irritated at NJ and tired with everything that was going on. ‘You want to lie down for some time, baby?’ asked Sam.
‘Hmm,’ nodded Harsh, without a second thought.
After a moment’s silence, he added, ‘You know, when Bhaiyya said he wanted to talk to me, I thought Bhaiyya had found out about us … I didn’t know what I should do or say.’
Sam nodded knowingly. He had experienced the fear himself and he said, ‘Do you really want to continue staying here for another five days and take that chance every day?’
Harsh looked up at Sam. He had wanted to stay in Phalodi for the remainder of his vacation but now, returning to Mumbai made more sense. There was no point in playing with fire.
‘You’re right, let’s go home,’ agreed Harsh.
‘Home? Who the hell is taking you home?’ asked Sam, smiling mischievously. ‘We are going to Turkey, baby!’
Sam’s excitement was infectious and Harsh was already smiling ear-to-ear.
Guiltily Yours
10 November, 2010
‘He finally finds a mahurat to see his mother after two years, and he has to cut short that trip too,’ complained their mother to Rudra. ‘I don’t understand why he always has to prioritize work over his family,’ Maa continued. ‘I understand him working, but to the extent that he forgets us?’
Rudra could see that Maa was extremely upset by Harsh leaving earlier than he had planned to. Once again, he felt both helpless and exasperated with his helplessness.
