by Isha Inamdar
‘He knows about Stash,’ said Divya, laughing and enjoying NJ’s misery.
‘Whore,’ Harsh said.
‘Just like her mother,’ Sam added.
NJ was crying. Divya was laughing.
‘Why are you alive? It would have been better if you had really died,’ Rudra said.
‘Whore,’ said Harsh again.
‘No!’ Anjana tried to say, but she choked up. She was having trouble breathing. She was choking on her tears but nobody cared. They wouldn’t have cared if she died. She was dead to them already. She coughed. She needed water.
She opened her eyes and found herself coughing hard. She usually couldn’t remember her dreams, but this one she remembered vividly. By the time she reached the kitchen, she was shaking. She sat on the kitchen floor with a bottle of water and cried all the tears she hadn’t for the past three years.
She closed her eyes trying to block it out, but she was breaking down. She cried for Rudra and for having lost the man she had fallen in love with. She cried for losing Harsh and Sam. She cried for all the times she had spent with Stash. She cried for her father. She cried for what her life had become. She cried because she needed to cry. She cried because she didn’t want her dream to come true. She couldn’t go back now. She wouldn’t.
Suddenly, her eyes fell on the calendar and she realized her love had made her into a superstitious woman – it was Friday, the 13th!
Monday, a week later
23 September, 2013
NJ entered her apartment after a long day at the café. Since she had taken the weekend off to cry herself to death and since she hadn’t died yet, she had to fill in the extra hours today. She was fatigued and decided to get into bed early. Crying is exhausting.
She was readying her bed when her doorbell rang. It could only be one person who had the audacity to come over at this time – Stash. Hadn’t she told him to not come over this time? This guy was unstoppable! She willed herself to open the door, hoping that she would not have to entertain his nonsense for too long. She really, really needed to catch on some sleep.
Sam stood at the door, glaring at her. ‘Hi NJ,’ he said.
The entrance to her apartment was narrow and as he strode in, he gave her no option but to walk back into the living room to make space. Behind him, Harsh and Kaavya filed in. And finally, Rudra walked in.
Silence. Silence as they looked at each other.
‘Hi,’ Harsh said in a quiet voice. Seeing NJ in the flesh was eerie.
‘What are you all doing here?’ she asked.
‘We thought we’d ask you the same question, especially as you’re supposed to be dead,’ Harsh said.
Sam smiled at her. Their last meeting, where she had pretended to not be NJ, was still on his mind.
‘You took your own sweet time to find me,’ she said angrily to Sam.
‘Uh?’ Sam was confused. Had she been waiting for him? But she hadn’t wanted him to know it was her – how could she have been waiting for him? ‘What do you mean?’
‘We met last Sunday, Sam. Last Sunday. Eight fucking days ago,’ she yelled. ‘Where were you all this while?’
‘I didn’t want to come alone to meet you. What if you ran off to some other country again? I’d be blamed for losing you,’ he explained. ‘Were you waiting for me though?’ he asked with a smile curving his lip.
‘No, but…’
‘The Schengen visa takes that long to come through, NJ,’ he said, as if reprimanding a kid.
‘Humph.’
Turning serious, he asked, ‘Why NJ? Why did you let us think you were dead? What went so wrong that you didn’t want us to know you are alive?’
When she didn’t answer, Kaavya began to walk towards her. ‘NJ…’ she said, when NJ cut in with ‘Don’t!’
NJ put her hand up, asking Kaavya to stop coming any closer to her.
All these guys were actually in her living room. She was having trouble believing it and she hoped this wasn’t another one of her dreams.
‘What do you all want?’ she asked again, behaving stronger than she actually felt.
‘You,’ said Sam.
She winced at Sam’s reply. She looked at Rudra. He hadn’t said a word yet, and that angered her, though she had no idea why.
‘Come back with us, NJ,’ said Kaavya in a quivering voice as tears flooded her eyes.
‘I don’t want to,’ NJ said, after she had steadied her voice.
‘But why?’ asked Harsh, as he walked up to her.
She didn’t have the power to stop him. She didn’t have the strength to not crumble. Holding her by her arms, he asked again, ‘Why, NJ?’
Emboldened by Harsh’s reaching out and holding NJ, Sam and Kaavya took a few tentative steps closer. Kaavya stopped when NJ looked at her. Rather, she froze.
NJ stepped sideways, putting some distance between her and Harsh and said, ‘Because I would rather not get involved after a certain point. And for me, that point was three years ago.’
‘It was a complete misunderstanding, NJ – and you know it,’ said Sam.
‘Yes, I do. I had willingly participated in a lie,’ she agreed. ‘But I hadn’t bargained for anything more than that. I didn’t want it then, and I don’t want it now.’
‘So take nothing more. But why refuse to have your own life back when everything is out in the open now?’ asked Sam.
Sam looked at Rudra, wondering why he wasn’t saying anything, and willed him to speak up. He hadn’t expected to be backed up by either Harsh or Kaavya. He knew they wouldn’t be able to handle NJ or the situation too well. But he had been banking on Rudra and Rudra’s silence wasn’t helping at all.
He had noticed NJ stealing looks at Rudra and knew that her barriers would melt if he spoke. Dammit Rudra, what’s with the silence?
NJ stood rigid, staring at the floor. Moments passed, as she continued to stare at the floor and everyone stared at her. ‘Because I don’t want to,’ she yelled as she wiped a prickling tear before it could sneak out of her eyes.
Sam stood immobilized. He hadn’t expected NJ to lose her cool and scream or shout.
‘NJ, we are sorry, love. But don’t do this. Please,’ Harsh pleaded with her.
‘What are you sorry about, Harsh?’ NJ asked vehemently, her voice resonating off the walls.
Unconsciously, Harsh took a half step back. NJ sounded venomous, and as much as he loved her, she looked intimidating and scary right now.
‘For everything,’ he said timidly. ‘For not seeing how you felt about my brother. For not understanding you. For not checking up on you after you left Phalodi. For not being there for you when you needed me the most.’
With fire in her eyes, NJ continued to glare at Harsh. His voice faded away and blood began to gush in her veins as she allowed her demons and anger to take over.
‘We love you, NJ,’ Kaavya intervened.
‘Yeah, we really do,’ Sam added.
Blinking, she pulled back, staring at them. ‘I don’t care, Kaavya. I don’t care about your love or apologies any more. It’s too late,’ she said half-heartedly, as she took a defensive step back.
‘Don’t say that,’ said Harsh lovingly, encouraged with the change in her stance. She was breaking, and he could see it.
‘You can lie to yourself, but not to me,’ said Sam.
‘Well then, let me lie to myself and live my lie,’ she screamed.
‘Is that what you truly want?’ asked Kaavya. ‘Is this how you really want to live your life?’
‘Yes. I don’t want to be called names or be abandoned again. I was left alone, wondering why I was where I was, wondering if I meant anything to you guys, wondering how I could have meant nothing at all.’
‘But you meant so much to us. You still do,’ Harsh said.
‘No, I don’t. And don’t kid yourself into believing differently,’ NJ quipped. The tears were gathering, and she blinked rapidly to make them go away. She needed to be strong. She needed to make t
hese people go away so that she could get back to her life. ‘Why did you take so long to find me?’ NJ demanded again.
‘I just told you – the Schenghen visa takes—’ Sam began when NJ cut him in.
‘Not now. Back then. Why did it take so long for you all to come looking for me?’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Sam.
‘How long did it take for you to even realize that I was gone, Sam?’ Without waiting for him to answer, she announced, ‘More than five fucking days. Five days, in which I could have been killed or abducted or raped. And my two best friends wouldn’t even have realized.’
‘NJ, that’s too…’ Kaavya tried.
‘Too what? Too much? Too cruel? Dramatic? Preposterous? Impossible? Why? Because all these things don’t happen to us? They happen to someone else? Well, I could have very well been that someone else. And don’t you dare deny it!’ NJ bellowed.
‘Sweetheart, no one is denying anything. Shit could have happened, true. But it didn’t, right? All we want for you is to return to us, but only if it’ll make you happy,’ placated Sam.
‘Why care about my happiness now? Why suddenly?’ she asked. The tears were beginning to fall and she realized just how hurt she’d been back then. She remembered how she had spent the hours and the days, wondering how no one cared about her. Rudra’s words – ‘You are a fucking whore,’ had unknowingly struck a chord.
She had felt lonely, as if she had suddenly been left alone in the world. Back then, she hadn’t allowed herself to feel a thing. Feelings would have made her weak and she needed to stay strong and pull off the disappearing act. Not that anyone had deserved to be informed. She hadn’t allowed herself to feel then, and not until today, when it finally seemed like the judgement day.
Today, she let herself remember the crushing loneliness and still hurt that had come along with it. She didn’t care about not showing her emotions any more. She hadn’t realized it, but she probably had needed this. She had needed to lash out in order to be able to move on.
She looked at Rudra, and his silence made her furious. He still hadn’t spoken a word. He wasn’t somebody who could have been dragged along against his will and he didn’t look disinterested either. He was worked up, she knew that just by looking at him. However, his expressions were neutral. Neither was he displaying the concern that the other three showed, nor did he look angry like their last meeting. He looked stoic, as usual.
‘NJ, you can’t say we never cared about your happiness. Dammit!’ said Sam, an octave higher than expected.
Sam had begun losing his cool. NJ wasn’t just being difficult, she was being impossible! He had expected a little drama, lots of tears and then a group hug. However, it looked like a difficult and long night ahead and there was no choice except arrive at the resolution. Harsh and he had discussed this – they wouldn’t go back without NJ. He had thought Rudra would have been the one doing all the talking, considering how Rudra had led his life for the past years. Unfortunately, Rudra had maintained a strange silence. And he didn’t know if he wanted to shake some sense into NJ or Rudra!
‘What did you think we did? Found out that you were missing and let you be? Didn’t look around? We found a body – a dead body. And we thought you were dead. You think it was easy on us? You think conducting your barsi was easy on us? It wasn’t only you who suffered an ordeal, we all did.’
‘Love, we loved you then, we love you now,’ said Harsh as he glared at Sam and tried to make peace with NJ. They had known NJ would be pissed off and would react vehemently. He couldn’t understand what Sam was getting worked up for.
‘You loved me? Hah! Loving me doesn’t just mean saying those words,’ NJ said with as much dignity as she could muster. ‘Saying it is the easy part. The difficult part is behaving it, making the person feel loved. It means wanting the best for me, sharing my happiness and my sorrow, being with me no matter what and respecting me.’
There was a preternatural silence that engulfed the room. NJ had left them all speechless. Trying to understand, Sam said, ‘And we didn’t care for you or make you happy or respect you, eh?’
His comeback had been sarcastic, he wasn’t expecting an answer. But NJ replied. She said, ‘Why don’t you ask yourselves if what you displayed can be classified as care or carelessness? And why don’t you ask your dear brother whether he showed me even an ounce of respect?’ She shut her eyes for a moment, trying to push the memory away.
The excruciating hurt evident in her eyes alarmed them. They all knew that they were at fault because they hadn’t even realized that NJ had been missing for a good six days. They knew they were guilty. But the disrespect accusation was new. They looked at Rudra with curious eyes while he continued to stare at NJ.
They heard the first sob escape NJ. Even though tears had been flowing down her cheeks all this while, she had managed to stand strong. The hurt had made the tears flow but now she was allowing herself to feel and be human again.
‘I never told you why I left Nashik,’ she said in between sobs. ‘I didn’t mention it because I was ashamed to talk about my mother.’
NJ closed her eyes again, thinking back about that fateful day which had changed her life. She had woken up with a knot in her stomach and had disregarded it. She didn’t have time for a stupid knot when she was supposed to be getting ready for college. She’d fallen ill halfway through a lecture and had returned home earlier than usual. Using her keys, she had let herself in, not wanting to disturb her mother’s afternoon nap.
But she’d come home to find her mother in an extremely compromising position with Jadhav Uncle. Without a word, NJ had left the house. She hadn’t even bothered to wait for her graduation exams which were a month away. She couldn’t. She had asked Neeta if she could stay with her for a few days and had walked away. She hadn’t wanted to be the one to destroy her father’s bubble. Neither did she want to sit by and watch her mother to continue to hurt her father. After that day, she had never spoken to them. Neither had she spoken about them.
Even today, talking about her mother unnerved her. The centre table squeaked as she pushed it away to slump on the floor, her body seeking support. ‘I loved my mother. People spoke badly about her, but I still loved her.’
Her throat had dried up and all her attempts at swallowing to clear it were in vain. ‘She would always treat my father with contempt, as if he wasn’t good enough. He was a loving husband and a caring father. He worked as a motorman with the railways and he worked extra shifts to provide for us. But he couldn’t make her happy. He couldn’t buy her expensive saris and couldn’t afford luxurious cars. She didn’t just cheat on him, she cheated on me,’ she continued. ‘The world used to call her a whore, and the day I left Nashik, I promised myself that I would never do anything to be called one,’ she said. Resentment and hatred was evident in every word NJ spoke. With each passing minute, her cries grew louder and heavier.
She looked at Rudra and there was a crease across his forehead. ‘I couldn’t choose who my mother was, but I could choose to not become like her and I did. I never dated or treated sex casually. It wasn’t that I didn’t have needs – my need to be unlike my mother was greater.’
Nobody knew how to comfort her. NJ was breaking down, and Sam could see it, but he wasn’t sure if he could go up to her and hug her.
Harsh brought a bottle of water from the kitchen and poured her a glass. She pushed the glass away and stood up with renewed energy. Her eyes were red, her face was contorted with rage and her shivering form stood taller than usual.
‘I never put a toe out of line until I met him,’ she said vigorously, pointing at Rudra. Looking straight at Harsh, she said, ‘I kissed him without telling him that I wasn’t your girlfriend. And he called me a whore. A fucking whore.’
She now was shuddering with anger. ‘I kissed my supposed boyfriend’s brother so I became a whore. But he’d kissed his brother’s girlfriend. What about him?’
Rudra looked at the floor, rememberi
ng the episode in excruciating detail. Every day for the past three years, he had bitterly regretted his words. Every day for the past three years, he had wished he could undo that day.
‘NJ, but he didn’t—’ began Harsh only to be interrupted by NJ.
‘Yeah, you are right. He didn’t know the truth. But you did,’ she said pointedly. ‘Didn’t you know me? Didn’t you know I would never have kissed a man unless he mattered? Didn’t you mull over it all even once? And try to explain to him or stand up for me? Or like your brother, did you also decide that I was a whore and not worthy of your friendship? A fucking whore?’
‘Anjana,’ Rudra said, softly but firmly.
Three heads turned from NJ to Rudra and back again. NJ returned Rudra’s hard stare and the air around them was crackling with energy. Harsh and Kaavya were astounded. They had never known a living soul to stare Rudra down, and even though NJ hadn’t manage to get him to look away yet, she had gotten further than anyone else had.
NJ wished looks could kill. Because if they could, Rudra would have to be dug out of his grave to speak.
Rudra let out a pained sigh, his eyes searching Anjana’s. Without breaking eye contact, he took a step forward and halted, as if seeking her permission to move ahead. It was as if all the oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the room. Sam, Harsh and Kaavya didn’t dare move. They didn’t even dare to breathe for fear of distracting the two. When Anjana didn’t react to Rudra drawing closer, he took another few strides and reached her.
He raised his hand and brushed it over her blazing cheek. ‘Anjana,’ he said in a hushed voice, ‘Will you marry me?’
Epilogue
9 July, 2014
NJ took the stones that Harsh had collected for her and started skipping them. Harsh had explained to her the science behind stone skipping and she was trying her luck at it.
‘Come on! You can do it!’ he cheered as he sat back on the bench.
