by Gerri Hill
“Well, I’ll miss you,” Susan said. “I hope you’ll think about me as I’m entertaining Ruth and her family.”
“Yes, and I’ll be so thankful I’m not here.”
They smiled at each other, then Susan walked closer to Shawn and hugged her. The hug lasted longer than necessary, but Susan was in no hurry to pull out of Shawn’s arms. Finally, Shawn loosened her grip and they stepped apart.
“Thank you for being here yesterday,” Susan said.
“I’ll be here anytime you need me.”
Susan nodded. “I know.”
She felt a sharp sense of loss as Shawn and Alex drove away. Maybe spending a weekend apart would be good for them. Susan was becoming much too dependent upon her.
Chapter Twenty
“Susan, I can’t believe you allowed Lisa to cut her beautiful hair off.”
“Allowed? Ruth, it’s her hair, she can wear it as she likes.”
“But still, she looks so . . . boyish.”
Susan felt her back stiffen and a biting retort was on her tongue had not Tiffany chosen that moment to walk in.
“Mother, Brandon will have some more wine,” she purred, handing Ruth the empty glass. “Aunt Susan, will Uncle Dave be up this weekend?”
Susan would have laughed had she not known that Tiffany was being completely serious. Like mother, like daughter.
“No, Tiffany, David was not invited.”
“But Mother said you were going to reconcile.”
“Oh, she did?” Susan bit her lip. “Well, she was mistaken,” she said, glaring at Ruth.
“Here you go, dear.” Ruth handed her daughter the glass of wine and smiled after her. “Doesn’t she look gorgeous? Pregnancy agrees with her.” Then she smiled at Susan. “Of course, pregnancy agreed with me, too.”
Of course it did, Susan thought. And I’m sure being a grandmother will agree with you as well, she added silently.
“So, what’s up with Lisa?”
Susan continued seasoning the burgers, thinking she very well might ignore the question, but Ruth moved closer.
“She’s taking the rest of the summer off. Classes start again in late August,” Susan said vaguely.
“I mean with this . . . girl?”
“Her name is Sheri,” Susan said. “And what about her?”
“They’re nearly inseparable.”
Susan could sense that Ruth was ready to go for the kill and she wouldn’t allow it.
“Yes, they are,” she said. “Lisa appears to be very fond of her.”
“Fond? Don’t you think it’s a bit odd?”
“Odd? For whom?”
“Well, certainly not for your friend, Shawn,” Ruth said brightly. “But this is Lisa we’re talking about. Or has Shawn rubbed off on her?”
It took all of Susan’s control not to slap the smirk off of Ruth’s face and she balled her hands into fists, clutching them to her side. She silently counted to ten, her voice sounding unusually calm even to her own ears.
“Ruth, you don’t need to concern yourself with Lisa. She’s perfectly fine.”
“Fine? You call cavorting with . . .”
Her outburst was cut short when the kitchen door swung open. Both women turned to find Lisa staring at them.
“Mom? You want me to start the grill?”
Susan nodded eagerly. “Yes, please.” Then she turned to Ruth. “Would you take out the dip?” She shoved it into Ruth’s hands along with the bowl of chips. Anything to get her out of the kitchen.
Lisa watched Ruth walk away, then turned to Susan. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Ruth’s just being . . . a bitch,” she allowed and she and Lisa both laughed.
“Asking questions?”
“Yes.”
“Did you tell her?”
“No, Lisa. That’s not something Ruth would be able to talk about maturely. Or intelligently,” she added. “She will go on speculating and making her rude comments and I’ll go on ignoring her as best I can.”
“You looked like you were about to rip her face off.”
“Well, I wanted to. She infuriates me sometimes!”
“Yeah, well, her kids infuriate me. I’m so tired of hearing about babies, I could throw up.”
Again they laughed and Susan thought that just maybe she could get through the evening after all. Lisa paused at the door.
“I wish Shawn were here.”
Susan sighed. “So do I, honey.” More than you know, she added silently.
Later, as she sat next to Lisa and Sheri, she wondered what Shawn was doing. Did she go watch the fireworks alone or did she have a date? She didn’t want to think about Shawn on a date, so instead, she thought back to last weekend and the night she’d spent curled up securely against her. A sudden warmth settled over her, making her heart thud just a little too fast. She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew her feelings for Shawn were getting dangerously close to surpassing friendship. And she had absolutely no idea what to do about it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Shawn drove up the mountain in a daze. She remembered nothing of the drive, of going home to pack, of getting Alex. An unlit cigarette still hung in her fingers and she finally stuck it between her lips.
All these years. She thought she had put it behind her, she thought she had healed.
She should have called Susan when it happened. She should have driven up last night. They could’ve talked, she could’ve gotten it all out. It had been a mistake to go to the center today, she knew that now. It had only made things worse. The hours spent talking to the police brought back memories she had thought were long buried.
She cursed when she pulled into Susan’s drive and saw Ruth’s car there. Could they not have one weekend alone? She finally lit her cigarette, smoking only half before walking to the door.
Susan had heard Shawn drive up and Ruth’s monologue about the country club drifted into the background. Shawn was much later than normal and Susan had begun to wonder how much longer she could put off dinner without Ruth and Mother making some snide comment.
She was still angry that they were here at all. Wasn’t last weekend enough? Surely this urgent message from Dave could have been handled over the phone. She had been looking forward to a quiet weekend with Shawn, one that didn’t involve entertaining her family.
She had the door open just as Shawn raised her fist to knock. Susan saw immediately that the smile on Shawn’s face did not reach her eyes. She hugged Shawn quickly, then stepped back.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered.
“Rough week.”
“You’ve come to the wrong place to relax.” She motioned with her head. “Company again.”
“It’s okay. I just needed . . . to see you.”
Susan had never known Shawn to be depressed or withdrawn, but her normally warm eyes were cloudy, cold. It was as if it took all her effort to walk into the living room.
“You’re just in time for dinner,” Susan called after her. She rubbed Alex’s head as he walked in, but her eyes were still on the silent woman ahead of him.
Shawn turned to say that she wasn’t hungry, then closed her mouth just as quickly. She wouldn’t be rude. She could manage a few bites, she supposed.
But the conversation went on without her and she knew Susan was concerned. Shawn didn’t even try to stop Susan as she fixed a plate for Alex and set it on the deck for him, despite Susan’s attempt to tease her.
“Coffee?” Susan offered.
“I’m really tired.” Her eyes met Susan’s for the first time since they had sat down for dinner. “Do you mind if I shower?”
“No. Go on to bed, Shawn. I’ll be there soon.”
She walked out with shoulders slumped and Susan was really getting worried. This quiet, withdrawn woman was not her Shawn. Not the same woman who had kept her sane all summer. Susan couldn’t imagine what had happened to her this week.
“Well, she’s certainly quiet tonight,” Ruth said as
she helped Susan with the dishes.
“Maybe she’s sick,” her mother said.
“She’s not sick,” Susan said sharply. She wished for the hundredth time that they were not here and she could simply go to Shawn and find out what was wrong.
“Where is she going to sleep?” her mother asked.
“I’m sure she’ll squeeze in between you and Ruth.” Susan did not even blink as both Ruth and her mother gasped.
“Susan!”
“Where do you think she’s going to sleep, Mother?” Susan wrapped the chicken in foil, almost wishing Ruth would make a comment. She’d had it with their subtle remarks about Lisa, insinuating that Shawn was somehow to blame. She had half a mind to send them both packing right now.
“Susan, we’re just worried about you. It’s not normal for you to have this kind of a relationship with . . . that woman.”
“Normal, Mother? Shawn’s probably the most normal woman in this house tonight. She’s my friend . . . my closest friend and you can both leave right now if you can’t accept that.”
She left them staring after her, but she didn’t care. Shawn needed her, she could see that. Whatever had happened to her this week, Shawn needed her tonight.
Susan opened the door and let Alex slip in then closed it without turning on the light. Shawn lay quietly, covers drawn to her chin, and watched Susan undress in the darkness. She should have turned her head, she knew. It would have been the proper thing to do, but she caught sight of Susan’s small breasts in the moonlight and she couldn’t tear her gaze away. The tightening in her stomach moved lower as she imagined her hands . . . and lips there. Then Susan slipped on a T-shirt and Shawn finally let her breath out.
“Let me wash up,” Susan said quietly. “I’ll be right there.”
“I’m okay.”
“I’m sorry they’re here, Shawn.”
“Me, too.”
Shawn listened as the water ran. She imagined Susan brushing her teeth, going about her normal bedtime routine. Shawn felt comforted just being here. She hadn’t even asked Susan if she could stay at the cabin, much less share her bed. But she knew not to mention the tent. They were so attuned to each other’s feelings that she knew Susan was worried about her, she knew Susan wouldn’t let her leave tonight. Ruth was probably beside herself by now, wondering what was happening with them. And Shawn hadn’t even asked Susan how the family weekend went with Lisa and Sheri both there. She smiled weakly. So many things to talk about. But that’s what friends did. They shared in each other’s lives.
She was lost in thought when Susan lifted up the covers and crawled in beside her.
“Now, tell me what’s wrong,” Susan said immediately, not bothering with small talk.
“A woman committed suicide while I was on the phone with her,” Shawn blurted out.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Come here.”
Shawn didn’t hesitate when Susan opened her arms. She buried her face against Susan and let her tears come.
“Tell me what happened,” Susan coaxed and she felt Shawn cling to her tightly.
“It was just like her all over again.”
“Your mother?”
“Yes. I thought I had put all that behind me.”
Susan’s hands soothed Shawn, caressing her hair, rubbing across her shoulders. “Tell me.”
“Oh, God, Susan, I just lost it,” Shawn sobbed. “I knew what she was going to do and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing I said made any difference. Nothing. I begged her not to do it. Her mind was already made up. She just didn’t want to do it alone. Just like my mother. And then . . . God, I just keep hearing that gunshot over and over again. I can’t get it out of my mind.”
“Shhh, shhh. I’m so sorry,” Susan whispered. “It’s not your fault, honey. You know that, don’t you?”
Shawn gripped Susan’s hand, squeezing it tightly between both of her own. “She killed her husband and . . . her six-year-old daughter.” Shawn could barely get out the words for her tears and Susan pulled her close.
So much pain, she thought. She kissed Shawn’s head, trying to soothe her, but the tears kept coming.
“It’s okay. Just let go.”
“I’m sorry,” Shawn said and her voice was hoarse with tears. “It just brought everything back like it was yesterday. All the pain, the loneliness. I couldn’t handle it.”
“Let it out, Shawn. I’ve got you,” she whispered, again kissing her damp hair. “I’ve got you.”
Susan held Shawn until her tears faded, smoothing the hair away from her face occasionally. Finally, Shawn’s breathing changed and Susan knew she had relaxed enough for sleep. So much pain, she thought again. And she always endured it alone. But not this time. She had reached out to Susan, had needed her, and Susan’s arms tightened protectively around Shawn.
She wanted to think of this as comfort given to a friend, maybe a daughter. But the woman she held in her arms was certainly not her daughter and had quickly come to mean more to her than any friend she’d ever had. Her arms tightened again.
“Shawn, what are you doing to me?” she whispered. Her lips pressed against Shawn’s warm forehead and she acknowledged the desire that she was feeling as she let her lips linger. What are you doing to me?
Susan woke only once, but it was impossible to sleep afterwards. Shawn was curled at her side, face resting against her shoulder, Shawn’s hand gently cupping her breast.
Susan found she couldn’t breathe as she watched that hand covering her. She felt her nipples harden and she willed these feelings to go away. Before she could stop herself, she bent and lightly brushed her lips across Shawn’s cheek, and, in sleep, Shawn’s hand tightened possessively on her breast and Susan couldn’t stifle the soft moan that escaped.
Susan squeezed her eyes shut, but the mental image was there, staring her right in the face. She was intimately holding another woman in her arms, a woman who had come to mean more to her than her own family. A woman whose hand was curled possessively over her breast.
It was barely daylight when Susan slipped away from Shawn. She showered quickly and dressed, leaving her short hair damp and pausing only long enough to start coffee before settling down with Alex on the deck.
She needed to think, but that was the last thing she wanted to do. It had happened so fast, so unexpectedly, that she couldn’t pinpoint the exact time that her feelings had moved beyond friendship. And changed into something else entirely.
Was there ever a time in her life that she was attracted to women? No. And the only reason she could have for it now was her divorce, all the changes in her life, in Lisa’s life. That must be it, she told herself.
But no, that wasn’t it. Truth be told, Shawn stirred feelings in her, feelings that Dave never brought to the surface. Feelings Susan wasn’t even aware she could have. When she looked at Shawn, she saw strength, confidence, caring. And something else. Attraction? Love?
How hard has it been for Shawn, she wondered? Has she been struggling to put her feelings in the right perspective? Is she, too, trying to maintain that tenuous hold on friendship? And subconsciously, in sleep, she allows herself to move past friendship, to touch Susan?
Susan thought Shawn would be mortified if she knew that Susan had awoken and found Shawn’s hand wrapped around her breast, as if it belonged there. As if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Susan got a warm feeling inside as she remembered the feel of that gentle hand upon her. It felt as if it did belong there. For the first time, Susan let herself wonder what it would be like to make love with Shawn. She closed her eyes, letting in visions that she dared not before, visions of them together in bed, visions of Shawn’s hands coming to her. Visions of Shawn’s mouth moving over her naked body. She blushed scarlet as she imagined just where that mouth would end up.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered to Alex. But he didn’t have any answers for her. He simply nudged her hand and she stroked his head, her mind still reeling with images of
Shawn.
When the door opened a short time later, it was Ruth, not Shawn who greeted her.
“Ready for coffee?”
“Please.”
They sat quietly and listened to the sounds of morning. Alex perched beside Susan’s chair, and she absently scratched his ear as she sipped her coffee.
“You’re very attached to him, aren’t you?”
“Very,” Susan agreed. And to his mother, too, she thought.
“Is Shawn okay this morning?”
“She was better last night after we talked,” Susan said. Then, vaguely, “They had some problems at the women’s center last week that upset her. I think she’ll be fine today.”
“Have you given any thought to seeing Dave?”
Susan sighed. Oh, yes, the important message from Dave. She had forgotten. He wanted to meet her for dinner one night this week. To discuss the situation between them, Ruth had said. He didn’t want a divorce.
“I may call him,” she said. When Ruth would have spoken, Susan raised her hand to stop her. “Don’t, Ruth. I’m so Goddamned tired of talking about this,” she said quietly. “I’m not the same person I was then. I don’t think Dave would like me too much now, anyway. So let’s just drop it, okay?”
“How can you be so strong through all this?”
Susan looked up at Ruth, surprised at the sincerity of her voice. “What do you mean?”
“You find out your husband is having an affair and instead of begging to continue your marriage, you pack up and leave him, leave your home, your things.”
“Is that what you would have done? Begged him to let you still share his life, even though he was getting his sexual favors elsewhere?”
“It’s what I have done,” Ruth admitted quietly.
“Ruth?”
“Franklin has had numerous affairs over the years. More than I’m even aware of, I’m sure. But he still comes home to me.”
“Oh, Ruth, I’m sorry. But I just couldn’t live like that.”
