by David B. Jai
Finally comfortable, he closed his arms and held me. “I got you now, Nell. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
I froze in place; I became numb because those were almost the exact words that Toe said to me.
I made a vow that it would be the last night that I grieve in such a devastating way. I’d left everything back in Louisville, and now it was time for me to prepare for the next level in my life. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I will embrace it—time to grow up and move forward. Toby St. James always will be a part of my life, but I had to move forward for me. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to hold on and see what it brings. Rest well, Toe, I will always love you! Finally, I can get some rest as I accept me as I am. Good night!
Chapter Thirty
The morning came faster than I realized. I noticed that Kwazi’s arms were still wrapped around me. I couldn’t imagine what this transition would have been without him. However, it was good. As I gently removed his arms from my torso, I could feel the gentle breeze from his breath on my neck. He noticed me moving and began to mumble under his breath.
“Where you going?”
Although Kwazi did not know Toe, they had amazingly close similarities because those are the words Toe would have said to me. However, as painful as it was last night, I formally decided to move on with my life. Theresa gave me the closure that I longed for and desired. I thought the sun may never shine the same, but it will shine. I had Toe in my heart and the countless memories I would always have. He was my rock, and I would always be thankful. Finally, answering Kwazi’s’ question, “I’ve got to get up and make a call home and be in Psych class by 9 a.m. Plus, your flashlight keeps sticking me in the back,” I said, laughing and getting another glimpse of his morning rise.
“Oh, damn, man, my bad. It gets like that in the morning. Damn thing has his own mind. I hope you’re not offended.” Kwazi said with his eyes still closed.
Suddenly Kwazi turned over, revealing his muscular backside. It was straight and perfect that he could have easily been a model for Playgirl magazine. His back extended to his glutes, which were massive and rock solid. His underwear revealed just a small slither of his intergluteal cleft. I said to myself, I bet I can set a glass of milk on his ass, and it wouldn’t spill a drop. I laughed to myself while still scanning his body with my eyes. I noticed his massive thighs that went to a small gap preventing his thighs from touching together. I continued looking at his massive calves. They looked like a can of biscuits trying to break out of a tightly squeezed can.
“Nell! Are you looking at me?” Kwazi said, mumbling. I was taken off-guard because I was, in fact, looking at every intricate detail of his body.
“Yeah, bro, I am looking at your body!” I said, being honest.
Kwazi grabbed a pillow while lying on his stomach, and his eyes closed, threw it in my direction.
“Don’t make me get up and come over there.”
“That’s what I want you to do. You’re grown,” I said, laughing.
“Come here, Darnell!”
My mouth opened with total admiration, as I quietly said to myself, Damn! As I got close to Kwazi, he turned around and put me in a headlock and pulled me down toward the bed with him. Suddenly, I was lying on top of him, gazing deep into his green eyes.
“Oh, so you want to wrestle?” I said.
“I just want you to know that I am here for you. You had a rough night, and I want to make sure you’re OK with everything.” His words were comforting, and I laid my head on his chest and began playing with the few chest hairs that he had. I thought to myself, Damn, I really miss Toe. I took a deep breath, and the room got quiet.
After a few minutes, Kwazi said, “Will you tell me about him when the time is right?”
I began coming to my senses. “Yes, one day, I would love to, but in the meantime, I have to call home, check-in and run to class.”
As I was getting out of bed, Kwazi kissed me on my forehead, affirming that he was actually here for me. I was appreciative as I got up and headed to the phone to call Mom.
“Good morning, Mom, how are you doing today?”
“I’m doing good, son. How are things at Notre Dame?”
I gave Kwazi a look from the side of my eyes and said, “It looks fine from here!”
“That’s good. Oh, before I forget, John called and wants you to call him. He’s going to Chicago for some training and wants to see you,” Mom said, enthused.
“OK, that sounds great. I will call Pops later today.”
“Finally, Darnell, I have some awesome news for you, too,” Mom said happily.
“Good news? While I certainly could use some good news about now.”
“I got a call from Mrs. Wilkes earlier today, and she said that Jaurice is awake, talking, and wants to see you. She said he keeps asking about your whereabouts. His mom wants to know who is Porsha?”
I felt my heart ooze with laughter and excitement. “Oh, my God!” I yelled.
Kwazi jumped out of bed and ran over to where I was. “Nell, are you OK?” he whispered.
I nodded while pointing at his morning rise. “Yes, ma’am! That’s good news. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Today is an awesome day,” I said, full of excitement.
Mom and I hung up the phone, and I was jumping all over the place.
“He’s going to live, he’s going to live!” I yelled, falling into Kwazi’s arms, happy, jubilant, and excited. Again, he opened his arms, and we hugged for what seems to be an eternity, flashlight erect and all.
Leaning my head on Kwazi’s shoulder, I began to ponder how resilient life could be. I’ve been fighting trying to find acceptance and love from anyone who could give it for most of my life. However, when I opened my eyes, I discovered that love and acceptance were all around me. From God, Mom, Robbie, G-Ma, Pops, Jaurice, Theresa, Rochelle, and yes, the love of my life, Toe. I was always surrounded by love, but I was too closed-minded to accept it.
Today, I am finally changed. I’ve changed my way of thinking, how I perceive myself, and interact with others. By merely letting love into my life, it has changed me, and I can break free to be me. I remember when I was a kid, I asked myself, “Am I gay and worthy of love?” Now the answer is simple, “I am gay and worthy of love, because I’ve learned to accept me as I am. If I don’t accept me, then I can’t expect anyone else too either.”
“Darnell, are you thinking again?” Kwazi said, interrupting my thoughts.
Breaking away, I laughed out loud and gave him a gentle push on his shoulders.
“Yeah, man, I am! Let’s get dressed and head to class,” I said, beaming.
The End for Now!
About the Author
David B. Jai is a debut novelist who’s authored, “As I Am,” a rigid story about a young man struggling to find love and acceptance from family and God. To date, this novel has received rave reviews.
“Can’t I just be Darnell and every one love and accept me
for who I am, or do I have to create some alternative
personality just to fit in with everyone?”
David B. Jai
David is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, Afrian American Association of Christian Counselors, Psi Chi – International Honor Society and Salute – a national honor society for veterans. David has served in the United States Navy and received numerous awards and accolades. Most of all, David is a survivor.
Currently, David lives in Indianapolis, Indiana but frequents his hometown of Louisville, KY.
www.davidbjai.com
Author’s Note
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome; also known as PTSD, is a real disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. The initial onset may be immediate or may take years. Like Darnell, individuals learn to suppress their emoti
ons until a trigger brings back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.
Symptoms of PTSD can include, nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, phobias, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, anxiety, or depressed mood.
Darnell’s PTSD manifested itself in several ways:
1) His relationship with his father and the fact that his father tried to kill him. This caused Darnell to live in fear of confronting his father and isolating himself because he believed that anyone he encountered may cause him harm.
2) Darnell lost trust and felt abandoned after he was raped. As a result, Darnell failed to broker substantial relationships where he could confide in loved ones and friends but instead lived his life as a recluse or depressed person.
3) Darnell wrestled with the concept of love and felt that in order to love someone it will cause hurt and pain. However, if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?
4) Darnell felt that since his relationship with his father was fractured, his relationship with God would be fractured as well. Oftentimes, how we perceive God is contingent upon the relationship we’ve had with our dads or father figures. Once Darnell realized that God loves him no matter what, his spiritual healing started to take place and he learned to accept himself, “As I Am.”
5) Darnell was ridiculed, called homophobic names, felt rejected by the church, and as a result created an alternative personality to be accepted. However, he was NOT his true self. Darnell wrestled with his sexuality and as a result, ran from the very thing that would save him; love!
If you or anyone you know is suffering from PTSD or its effects, please feel free to visit the links listed below for more information.
PTSD:
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
Rape:
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
https://www.thehotline.org/
LGBT Hotline:
https://www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
LGBTQI+ Friendly Churches:
https://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/
