by Sarah Fine
“And I’m unbelievably thankful I failed!”
“I know, but that kind of strength and determination is rare. You chose principles over emotion, even though I can feel how strong those emotions are. You did everything you could.”
“I gave up the magic,” I said quietly.
Keenan put his hand on the glass. “No one blames you for that. Jack told me what Asa did.”
“But I didn’t choose principles, like you said.”
“Yes, you did. You chose to protect the life of a child. You were under unbelievable pressure, and you kept your head. You helped Asa take down Reza and Brindle, and you rescued Peyta and Jack. Without you, they wouldn’t be here. Without you, Asa would be dead.” He touched my upper arm, where the graze wound I’d sustained had been stitched and bandaged. “I’ve disciplined that agent, by the way. But he was engaged to Agent Urasov. I should have taken him off duty immediately, but we needed the manpower.”
“I get it,” I said. In addition to the lives lost, so many hearts had been broken. “And I’m sorry the magic is gone. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring it to you.”
Keenan’s hand slid down the glass. “There’s got to be another way to figure it out. Understanding the magic is the only way to keep people safe. Two of the four relics are still out there.” He looked down at me. “I could use a few more good agents to help me hunt them down and transport them to a place where they can be kept secure for all time.”
I blinked up at him. “Are you offering me a job?”
He gave me a gentle smile. “I’d love to have you on my team. So would Jack.”
I turned back to the glass just as the surgeon laid what was left of the thick black collar on the cloth-covered metal tray. Leads dangled from it, Asa’s blood glistening on their steely tendrils. “I can’t leave Asa.”
“Mattie . . .”
“I have to do whatever I can to bring him back.”
“Assuming there’s something in there left to rescue. Removing the collar won’t erase his memories of what happened. It will, however, send him into withdrawal from the Ekstazo. We’re going to taper it, but it’s going to be brutal. After that . . .”
“Asa’s never left me behind. And I’m not going to leave him. If you get him through the withdrawal, I’ll do the rest.”
Sometimes I can be really naive.
I thought I had it all worked out. But after a few days of watching Asa struggle against his restraints, avoiding eye contact and refusing to speak to anyone, including me, I realized it wasn’t going to be that simple. He had repeatedly torn IV lines from his arm with his teeth, shouting at us to leave him alone, to quit pumping magic into his body. Finally, I begged Keenan to do as he asked.
So Asa went cold turkey. I’ve never seen anyone so sick.
And after a few days of that, he went quiet and slack, no longer raging and writhing but instead staring at the walls and refusing to eat or drink. “He can’t lose any more weight,” I said.
“Unless we’re willing to tie him down and put another IV in him, there’s not much we can do,” Keenan said as we peered at Asa through the tiny window in his metal door. His knees were drawn to his chest, and his head was bowed. He hadn’t moved in hours.
“I need some air,” I said, my voice cracking.
He nodded sympathetically as I headed out the door and into the city of Warsaw.
It didn’t take me long to find what I needed. I scurried into the Internet café, grateful when the dude at the front nodded as I held up a handful of euros. I stuffed them into his hands and lunged for an open terminal, where I held my breath as I logged in to what I guessed would be the latest iteration of Theresa’s e-mail account.
There was a draft message waiting for me.
Another party fail, but one that helped me make a graceful exit. Ex went underground as his guests looted the place, and nephew is trying to clean up the mess. Seems like everyone had a wild night. I heard you had some issues with cops. I’d like to know where our mutual friend is.
So Volodya was alive, but in hiding, and Daniil was trying to take over. Theresa had gotten away and was wondering about her son.
I checked the message, wondering if she was still on the loose, and my eyes went wide—the draft had been modified only a half hour earlier! Could she still be online?
I had no presence of mind for cloak-and-dagger, but I did the best I could as my fingers danced across the keys. I left out the part of the story where Asa tried to get himself killed, because I couldn’t bear to tell her. In fact, I skipped everything until:
We’re with the cops. A is in trouble, though. No more collar, tough withdrawal. He won’t accept drugs, won’t respond to me. Help.
I hugged myself and stared as the minutes passed. The attendant gave me a worried look. I smiled and waved. And when I turned back to the screen, the draft had been updated.
He needs pleasure. Joy, comfort, the full range. But it has to be natural, not magic. It has to be real. Take care of him for me. Please don’t let him go. You’re the only one who can help him.
I stared at the message, a new determination steeling my spine. I erased her latest draft and replaced it with one of my own, just two words. But they would have to be enough for now.
Message received.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I shouldered the duffel bag of Asa’s possessions—the contents of his pockets the night he brought Brindle down—and unlocked the cabin door as a crisp breeze blew my hair around my face. I looked over my shoulder. “As soon as we get settled, I’ll get a fire going.”
Asa stood on the porch step, looking like death’s cousin. He hadn’t shaved in a week and had a patchy dark-brown beard tinged with red. His cheeks were hollowed out. But he wasn’t sweating—I had been very clear that there was to be no magic on or near the premises.
Asa didn’t say a word in response to my offer of a fire, but then again, he hadn’t said a word when I’d told him we were coming here. He hadn’t argued or fought or made threats. Keenan had made all the arrangements, down to the last detail—and I had been very specific. There were Headsmen posted at the bottom of the mountain, on the road that marked the only way out, but they’d been given instructions not to bother us unless I called them.
I looked at my phone and frowned in the silence. She should have been here by now.
And as soon as I slipped the key into the lock, a bark echoed from inside, and doggy toenails clicked on the hardwood floor. I pushed the door open and stepped back as Gracie emerged from behind the overstuffed couch, sniffing the air.
“Gracie?” Asa murmured. He made a wrenching, helpless noise. “Girl?”
She ran forward as he sank to his knees, and I choked back tears as she wriggled into his arms, as his fingers curled into her silky, short fur.
“I called Daria, and she drove her most of the way,” I said. “Jack picked her up in Asheville and brought her over here this morning. Daria says hi, by the way.”
Asa’s eyes were closed as Gracie frantically licked his face. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“I’m going to give you guys some time.” With a lump in my throat, I set about completing the tasks on my mental to-do list. I grabbed some firewood and got a fire going. And as Asa settled himself on the floor just inside the front door, never taking his hands or eyes off his dog, I headed into the kitchen.
Keenan had stayed true to his word. The fridge was stocked. I spent the next few hours making vegan pesto with zucchini and carrot “noodles,” marinated kale salad, granola with almond butter and agave, and a raw strawberry pie with nut-and-date crust. Asa’s favorites.
And by the time I was finished, I heard a sound that brought a huge smile to my face—the whisper of water in the master bathroom upstairs. He was taking a shower on his own.
He came down as I was putting food on the table. He’d shaved and put on a clean pair of cargo pants and a T-shirt that I’d asked Keenan to leave here for us. For a moment, I wondered
what he would expect in return for all these accommodations—so determined to pull Asa back from the brink, I had been unabashed in my requests. Surely Keenan would want something as payment for all he’d done for a man who had caused him nothing but trouble for years. Right now, though, I was concerned only with Asa.
“How did it feel?” I asked, gesturing at his wet hair.
Asa ran his hand through it and sank into a chair at the table. Gracie trotted over and settled herself next to his chair, laying her head in his lap. “Strange,” he said quietly.
I put a plate in front of him. “It’s going to get better.”
He glanced up at me and looked away quickly. “I can’t believe you’re doing this for me. After what I put you through . . .”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and dished up the food. I avoided the temptation to heap it onto his plate. I was afraid he would get sick after having nearly starved himself over the past week. “You weren’t yourself.”
“Why does that matter? I still did all those things.” His gaze strayed out the window. “People died because of me. I can’t take any of it back.”
“Then you’ll find a way to make amends and move forward. But first you have to take time to heal and recover. You’ve been through a lot, Asa.”
He looked down quickly like he didn’t want me to see his expression. As he started to eat, I felt an ache in my chest. He had always been so strong, and it was painful to see him so unsteady. But he was here and alive and finally speaking again, so I knew I was getting somewhere.
“I don’t know everything that happened while I was with Brindle,” he said after a few minutes of silence. “I want to.” His fingers flexed over his fork, bending it slightly. “You didn’t tell me how you found my mother.”
My stomach went tight. “She found me. She sensed the magic in the sand vial.”
“I never meant for it to put you in danger,” he muttered.
“I know what you meant by it,” I said in a husky voice.
He nodded, keeping his gaze on his plate. “She was following us. She was in Prague.”
“She was checking in on you.” I steeled myself. “Asa, she loves y—”
“No, Mattie.” He put his fork down with a clatter. “Not tonight.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Just tell me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“Volodya,” he said slowly. He seemed to be holding his breath.
I sighed. “He’s your father. But he didn’t know that until after you were captured by Brindle.”
His shoulders sagged. “It makes so much sense,” he murmured. “I was created by two monsters and raised by a monster.” He put his hands on the table. “And now I’m the biggest monster of all.”
“You’re not a monster, Asa.” I said it louder than I intended to, and he flinched. “You’ve been through hell. For pretty much your whole life. And somehow, despite all of that, you kept your heart and soul.”
“Until they were destroyed.”
He sounded so defeated that it brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to reach across the table, grab him by the shoulders, and scream in his face. I will not give up on you. I will fight for you until my last breath. But instead, all I said was “Well. You can’t put them back together on an empty stomach.”
Asa bowed his head. “Dammit, Mattie,” he whispered. A moment later he picked up his fork again.
When he had eaten his fill, he went to sit in front of the fire with Gracie while I cleaned up. My hands shook as I did the dishes and thought about what I was going to do next. I had no idea how he would react. But I had to take the risk.
I dried my hands on a kitchen towel as I watched him stare into the fire, lost in the twist of the flames. Gracie was sleeping on the rug near the fireplace. My heart beating a thousand miles per hour, I slowly walked over to him and sank onto my knees in front of him.
He blinked and looked down at me, wariness and surprise in his eyes. I offered a nervous smile. “The night you were taken,” I began, but then the memories and emotions rose up so quickly that they nearly choked me. “Sorry,” I whispered, clearing my throat. “But the night you were taken, we had plans. We were going to talk.”
Asa sat up straighter and opened his mouth to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. “Just hear me out,” I said, slowly and carefully laying my hands on his thighs. Asa sucked in a sharp breath, but his mouth closed again. “Is this okay?” I asked.
He looked down at my hands on his body. After a few moments of terrifying silence, he nodded.
“For months, I had been trying to keep my feelings for you contained, Asa. I was so afraid you would hurt me.” I chuckled. “But that night, I decided that it would hurt a lot more not to risk it, because I would know I’d let you go without even trying. I couldn’t live with that.” I stroked my thumbs along the seam of the pockets beneath my hands. “So I was going to tell you how I felt. I was going to admit it. And I never got to do that.”
I closed my eyes. It’s worth it. He’s worth it. “I don’t know when exactly I fell in love with you.”
His thighs tensed, and I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut, not wanting to see his face.
“It was long before London, though. A part of me knew it when I sent you away that night in Nevada. And it made no sense, but eventually I couldn’t push it away. It was too big, claiming more territory every day.” I forced my eyes open, forced myself to meet his honey-brown gaze. “And it hasn’t changed, Asa. Not for me. I know you might not feel the same anymore. I know you might not even be able to feel that way. You said all your feelings were gone, and if that’s the way it is, I’ll accept it.”
I rose up so that we were closer to being eye to eye. I could feel the warmth of the fire at my back as I stared at the shadows that played across Asa’s angular face. The face I loved, the one I dreamed of. “But what I said that night when you had me tied to the table—”
“You said you were mine,” he said, his voice strained.
“It’s true.” My lips trembled as I tried to smile. “It always will be. No matter how much it hurts.”
There was a storm brewing in Asa’s eyes, a tension growing in his body. I could feel the vibrations as I slid my hands off his legs to find his hands. I squeezed them, but he didn’t squeeze back. “I know you’re afraid of feeling good, Asa. I know you probably don’t trust it. Or maybe you don’t trust yourself. But you need it. And”—I leaned forward and kissed his hand—“that’s what I’m offering. However you need it. However you can find it. Take it from me tonight.”
“Mattie . . .”
“You can say no. You can always say no. But only say it if you don’t want me. Don’t deny yourself because you’re scared. You know I’m strong, and you know I love you. Say you know that.”
Our eyes met. “I know,” he whispered. “I feel it. But—”
“Show me that you know,” I said. “Take what you need from me. Whatever you need. No apologies. No explanations. We’re past that.”
My heart was pounding, but I was dead serious. I’d made my choice. It didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous. I watched indecision flit across his face just before he said, “You have to be able to stop it.”
“Does that mean . . .”
He blew a long breath through pursed lips. “If you need to stop, you’re gonna say ‘red,’ okay? Promise.”
Excitement curled low in my belly. “I promise.”
Asa didn’t move. He’d gone completely still. But every muscle in his body had tensed.
“Tell me what to do,” I murmured. “I’m yours, sir.”
He let out an unsteady moan and closed his eyes. “Stand up.”
A zing of excitement pulled me tight. “Yes, sir.” I got to my feet and took a step back.
His eyes opened, and his gaze traced from my ankles to my face. “Strip.”
My hands closed over the hem of my sweater.
“Slowly,” he said.
“Y
es, sir.” I let my fingertips skim up my ribs as I pulled the sweater up inch by inch. The fabric caressed my skin as I lifted it over my head and then let it fall to the floor.
“Pants. Off.”
I breathed steadily. Though I wanted to shove my pants down my legs, though it actually would have been easier and less suspenseful, I knew the tension was exactly what he wanted. So I took my time undoing the button and zipper, in peeling the skinny jeans off my hips and down my thighs and calves.
It probably didn’t look too sexy as I battled with my socks to get the whole mess off my feet, but Asa didn’t say a word. He just watched. And when I straightened up and stood before him in just my lacy panties and bra, which I had specifically picked out in the hope that this would happen, I could see the bulge in his pants. The satisfaction was intense. I started to take off my panties.
“No,” he snapped.
I froze with my fingers hooked under the elastic.
“You wait for me to tell you.” He stood up suddenly, and for the first time since he’d been taken, he didn’t sway in place. “And you don’t deny me what’s mine.”
I shivered as he moved closer. “Yours, sir?”
His fingers closed gently around my throat. “All of you. All of you is mine. Say it.”
“All of me is yours. Every part.”
“Your body.”
“Yes, sir,” I whispered.
“Your heart.”
“Yes.” My eyes stung with the truth of it.
“Your pleasure. Your pain. Tonight it’s mine.”
Always. “Yours, sir.”
His lips curled into a smile and he smacked me on the ass. “So don’t make a move unless I tell you to.”
My skin was hot, and my body was taut and trembling. Seeing him find his strength again was the biggest turn-on ever. Knowing that I’d done it was going to push me over the edge. “Yes, sir.”
His fingers were tighter around my throat as he guided me over to a large window facing the driveway. I knew there was no one out there, but it still felt strange to be standing inside, mostly naked, exposed to the darkness of the night. “Hands on either side of the window.”
