But wait! What’s this? In the yard, footprints showed on either side of a long, scraped trail leading out toward a nearby field. Either the carpet had been dragged in that direction, or a brontosaurus had just strolled by.
The officers followed the trail across the yard, through the field, and into another yard, where the trail ended at a neighbor’s front door.
When the police entered the small home behind a larger main house, they found not a brontosaurus, but the stolen carpet on the floor—recut and laid to fit its new home. The young man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, but the police showed him his own trail from the “carpet store.” He was arrested and charged with the crime.
25
Don’t Try It Again, Sam
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a blundering, wannabe robber with speech difficulties just couldn’t win for losing. Sam Lincoln entered Bob’s Cafe and, speaking in his thick, backwoods Cajun accent, ordered the waitress to “give me all the money.”
Unfortunately, she couldn’t understand a word he said. To her it sounded like he was ordering “a sieve with all the honey.”
In desperation, Sam turned to a patron and told him to hand over all his money. The diner could have sworn that Sam said to “live a big pile of bunny.”
When the patron couldn’t understand him either, Sam got so frustrated that he pulled out his gun. Now they would hear the unmistakable voice of his thirty-eight.
Sam pulled the trigger.
Click.
The gun wouldn’t fire.
Now Sam grabbed the cash register and began to run. But he didn’t get far—only about three feet. The register was still firmly plugged into the wall, and he quickly ran out of cord.
The register was jerked out of Sam’s hands, and he fell. Humiliated and frustrated, he ran out of Bob’s Cafe empty-handed. Waitresses and patrons breathed a sigh of relief. Someone hefted the register back up to its place on the counter.
But five minutes later, Sam was back. This time, he made sure he unplugged the register before making off with it. Sam was ecstatic—for about three feet. A bystander who had witnessed the whole comedy of errors knocked Sam down and made a citizen’s arrest.
26
Bound for the Cooler
One bright spring morning in Lafayette, Louisiana, Louis Albright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of a local bank. Louis had an even more brilliant idea for a low-cost, low-fat, completely disposable disguise. He would cover his entire head with whipped cream.
A few trial runs indicated his idea would work beautifully. The foamy “mask” sprayed on quickly and was easily wiped off. It completely covered any distinguishing marks, even his hair color. And it tasted wonderful, to boot.
Congratulating himself on his innovative idea, the human hot-fudge sundae walked into the bank and approached the teller. Unfortunately, the employees’ response to his delicious disguise was just the opposite of what he wanted. The giggles were discreet at first, but when he said, “Put all your money in the sack,” the giggles dissolved into open laughter.
By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the silent alarm. Before you could say “banana split,” the police arrived. The rapidly melting bank robber was quickly arrested and refrigerated downtown.
By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the silent alarm.
27
Two-Bit Thief
Rhode Island police were sure they had the right man when the suspect charged with a string of vending-machine robberies paid his four-hundred-dollar bail entirely in quarters.
28
A Really Big Bust
At first, the customs officer thought the drug-sniffing dog was barking up the wrong tree. Or, rather, sniffing up the wrong tourist.
As the 475-pound man waddled through customs, the dog began to pay him close attention, sniffing suspiciously at the man’s huge stomach. Annoyed, the man told the dog to “shoo.” No luck.
The customs officer was a bit reluctant to approach the man, since he really didn’t fit the profile of a smuggler, and his personal effects had already been examined. But the dog was relentless. Over and over it pointed its nose toward the tourist and kept sniffing and whining and sniffing. It was almost as though the dog itself was puzzled.
The officer finally conceded that something was awry.
“I’m sorry, sir,” he told the rotund tourist. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to accompany me to a dressing room for a strip search.”
It was a task that neither man was looking forward to. But it had to be done.
Once inside the room, the tourist was ordered to disrobe, and a complete body search was initiated. It was then that a plastic bag containing eleven ounces of a white powdery substance was discovered—discreetly hidden amid the many folds of the man’s tremendous stomach!
The substance proved to be cocaine.
The drug dog was vindicated.
29
Bare Truth
In a small town in Texas late on a Saturday afternoon, a small mom-and-pop store was robbed by a lone gunman. The prime suspect was quickly spotted. In fact, everybody in town spotted him. They didn’t even need a detailed description. The fleeing felon was running down the street completely naked.
But Ted Jowers had a great alibi ready for the police officers who stopped him. “I like to get in touch with nature when I jog,” he told them.
Somehow, though, Ted didn’t seem like the nature type—or the jogging type, for that matter. The officers brought him in.
Ted finally broke down and confessed to the robbery. Then he explained to the police that he had stripped down to streak away after the robbery because he thought his clothes would make him more identifiable.
Ah, the ironic naked truth of the dumb criminal plan.
30
Love Thy Neighbor
The weary, disheveled woman tossed and turned in her bed. It was two in the morning, and the trucks at the nearby warehouse were grinding their gears, braking loudly, and making that maddening “Beep! Beep! Beep!” sound that a postal truck makes when in reverse gear.
What is so important that you have to truck it in the middle of the night? she wondered.
Finally, the unwilling insomniac could stand no more. She called the police and complained about the noise.
A quick check downtown revealed that the warehouse was leased to a toy import company. That set the officers to wondering. Christmas was still many months away. Why would a toy company be working round the clock to ship Chinese dolls and robots that spew smoke?
Ten minutes later, the two officers who had been sent to follow up on the disturbing-the-peace complaint pulled their cruiser up behind the working docks. When they stepped out of their vehicle, the men on the loading dock scattered and disappeared into the night.
The officers figured they must have a burglary in progress and called for backup. Three of the men were quickly apprehended in the neighborhood, but they turned out to be the rightful occupants of the warehouse.
So why had they fled?
Well, they weren’t burglars, but they were guilty of a bit more than disturbing the peace. The police searched the warehouse and ended up seizing twenty-two tons of cocaine, with a street value of more than six billion dollars.
It was the biggest drug raid in U.S. history, and it carries a lesson for all would-be dumb criminals: If you’re going to mess with Uncle Sam, make sure you don’t wake up the neighbors!
DUMB CRIMINAL QUIZ NO. 007
How well do you know the dumb criminal mind?
An officer fired at a bearded burglary suspect. The fleeing felon was unhurt, but the bullet tore a hole in the man’s shirt as it flapped in the breeze. The criminal escaped. Immediately afterward, did he . . .
(a) sew his shirt while he watched television?
(b) shave his beard and go right down to th
e police station?
(c) use his shirt as a hand puppet to entertain children?
(d) try and take his shirt back for a refund?
If your answer was (b), you are correct. In Atlanta, a burglar was fired at by officers, escaped unhurt, and returned to his own home. When he got home, he quickly shaved his beard to fool the police and then went right to the police station to report that his car had been stolen. He was arrested on the spot.
Why? First, in his haste, he had cut himself shaving, so his face was a bloody mess. Oh, and he also forgot to change the shirt that had the bullet hole in it.
31
Five Will Get You Ten or Twenty-Five
With a long sigh, Janice Patterson finished writing her check on her account and received the five-dollar bill from the bank teller. She actually needed more, but her balance was far too low at the moment. She wouldn’t get her next paycheck for two more days. Until then, she would just have to get by on those five dollars.
Janice got into her car, swung the door shut, and put the key in the ignition. Just as she was starting the engine, a man jumped in the front seat beside her and pointed a gun right at her face. “Give me all your money—right now!” he demanded in a harsh voice.
Reluctantly, but obediently, Janice turned over her five-dollar bill.
“It’s all I have,” she explained.
“You’re kidding!” The bad guy put the gun down. Incredulous, he searched her purse and the glove compartment before he finally realized she was telling the truth.
“Damn—wouldn’t you know it! All those people comin’ out of the bank, and I have to pick the one that don’t got no money!”
All Janice could do was shrug. But now her would-be robber decided to take a different approach. “Write me a check!” he ordered.
But Janice had to shrug again. She had just written the last of the checks in her checkbook.
Obviously, this was not going well at all for our criminal.
“I gotta think!” he mused, then ordered her to drive around the block. Janice obeyed.
They had just turned the corner when another problem apparently occurred to the worried criminal. His victim had seen what he looked like and presumably could relay his description to the police.
“Don’t look at me,” he warned. “You keep looking at the floor, hear me?”
“That would be difficult,” she told the crook. “I’m driving, remember?”
“Well, you just look straight ahead. Don’t look at me.”
She didn’t.
Momentarily frustrated, the bandit then remembered that banks keep counter checks available for customer use. He directed his victim to drive back to the bank.
They went inside to one of the desks, where he directed her to write a check for eighty-five dollars. She didn’t bother to tell him she didn’t have that much in the account. But she did try to communicate with the teller. As the bandit fidgeted and glanced around, Janice gestured, mimed, made faces, and even pointed at the man, but her dramatics had no effect on the teller.
Resigning herself to the victim’s role, the woman handed the check to the bandit, but in her nervousness she neglected to sign it.
The teller, finally tipped of by the omission of the signature, slipped back to the manager’s office, where a call was made to police. The robber was arrested, convicted, and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Janice Patterson barely escaped punishment herself.
“It’s a good thing you didn’t sign it,” the teller pointed out to her. “The check would have bounced, and we would have had to charge you a twenty-five-dollar processing fee.”
32
Big Mac Attackers
Retired Officer David Hunter of the Knox County (Tennessee) Sheriff’s Department tells this story of two very hungry holdup men:
After an evening of partying and smoking dope, the two very high potheads decided they would kill two birds with one stone. They were broke, and they had the “munchies,” so they agreed that the best thing to do would be to rob a hamburger joint. Armed with loaded shotguns, they burst through the door of the first place they came upon.
“Give us all the money,” the dim-bulb duo demanded, “and a dozen hamburgers with everything—to go!”
“I’ll get you the money, man,” one frightened employee replied, “but the grill’s already been shut down. It’ll take about ten minutes to reheat.”
“Do it,” came the gunman’s reply. “We’ll wait!”
Meanwhile, a passing motorist noticed that the two men sitting in the burger shack were holding shotguns. Suspicious indeed. The motorist phoned police.
“Here’s your food,” the shaking worker said.
The burger bandits grabbed the greasy sack and hit the door just as the sound of police sirens and squealing tires filled the night air. In their haste, they left the stolen money sitting on the table.
Panicked, the two robbers ran across a highway, slid down an embankment, and tried to hide under a bridge, which is where the K-9 unit found them. The hamburger heist was over.
“What really pisses me off,” one man said to the other as they were being led away in handcuffs, “is that those damn dogs ate all our burgers. I didn’t even get one bite!”
The officer responded, “You ought to be glad those are the only buns the dog bit.”
33
In the Mood
Trooper Robert Bell shared this story of true romance at a very tender age in the Southeast:
Bell was headed out to the interstate highway through a small town when he noticed a classic car whipping by at a high rate of speed. It was a ’64 Buick in mint condition. Radar revealed the vehicle was traveling at fifty miles per hour—over the speed limit.
When Bell closed in on the Buick, the speeder acted as if he might force a chase, but then he abruptly pulled over. Bell approached the idling Buick carefully. When he got to the window, he saw that the driver was an elderly man who appeared to be quite agitated.
“Sir,” the trooper said, “were you aware that you were doing eighty-five in a thirty-five-mile-per-hour zone?”
“Of course I know how fast I’m going,” the driver snapped. “It’s an emergency!”
Concerned, the officer asked, “Is it a medical emergency, sir? I can get you to a hospital.”
The driver’s face reddened. “No, I have to go now. It’s an emergency!”
“What’s the emergency, sir? Maybe I can help you.”
The old gentleman just looked angrier than ever. “I can’t tell you. You’ll laugh at me.”
Bell tried to reassure him. “I won’t laugh at you, sir. But if you don’t tell me what the emergency is, I’ll have to write you a ticket.”
The senior speedster finally relented. “You promise not to laugh—man to man?” He was very serious.
“No, sir,” Bell said. “I promise.”
“Well, son, I’m eighty-two years old, and I haven’t had an erec-uh . . . well, I haven’t been ‘in the mood for love’ for more than two years now. Well, I have an—uh, I’m in the mood right now, and I’m on my way to my girlfriend’s house!”
Bell was stunned, but only for a moment. “I had never heard that excuse for speeding before and—man to man—well, I had to empathize just a little. So I gave him a police escort.”
34
There’s One Born Every Minute
Circus man P. T. Barnum is famous for saying that there’s a sucker born every minute. Retired captain Don Parker of the Escambia County Sheriff’s Department in Pensacola, Florida, reports an unusual incident that proves Mr. Barnum’s point:
A resident of a quiet neighborhood was walking his dog in the woods one evening when the animal sniffed out a woman’s purse. The man unzipped the purse to look for identification. Instead of a wallet, a comb, or a lipstick, he found several curious packages, about the size of small bricks, wrapped in plastic and sealed with duct tape. Suspicious, he called the cops.
A patrolling deputy
soon arrived and took the purse and its contents back to the station. As suspected, the packages contained drugs—pure cocaine with an estimated street value of two hundred thousand dollars.
The narcotics division immediately set up surveillance at the site where the purse had been found, hoping that someone would try to retrieve the drugs. But there was no activity, even though the officers stayed until well after midnight. Finally, as they were about to give up, one of them had a brilliant idea.
“Give me a piece of paper,” he whispered to his partner. Then he wrote, “I found your purse and the contents. Call me. Large reward expected.” He listed one of the confidential phone numbers that bypassed the department’s switchboard and rang directly in the narcotics office.
The narcotics officer quickly taped the note to a stick and placed it where the purse had been. Then he and his partner went home.
The narcotics officers’ fellow workers were highly amused the next morning when they learned about the note. For the rest of the day, the two were teased unmercifully. But the jokes stopped abruptly when they got a call around three in the afternoon.
A female cop answered the phone and set the trap. She demanded ten thousand dollars in cash for the safe return of the purse and its contents. At first the person on the other end of the line balked, but she made it clear he would have to pay up if he wanted the dope back. Finally, he agreed.
The drop was set for a phone booth outside the local mall. Undercover deputies took up positions in the parking lot around the booth.
The male and female narcotics officers stood by the phone booth, the female cop holding the purse. Soon a car with three occupants pulled up.
One suspect got out of the car and handed the narcotics officers a shopping bag that was bulging with cash. The female undercover officer gave the suspect the purse, and the man turned to go back to his car. That’s when the cops got the drop on the suspects.
America's Dumbest Criminals Page 4
