by Kahlen Aymes
It soon became obvious that in order to function, I would need to swallow my pride and make things right with Addison, if she’d have me. At this point, there was no guarantee. I didn’t want to do it over the phone, or on text, after how I’d behaved. It was weird. I’d been so fucking sanctimonious because after all, Addison was the one to fracture the relationship; she was the one who didn’t have trust in me. In us. But the truth was, I’d discovered something lying here, hurting, staring off into space; though I looked at her as a mature woman, in so many ways she was inexperienced; in love, and life, but certainly in publishing.
I knew I had to face her and beg her forgiveness. It was what she deserved, and I was ready to grovel if needed. The publishing issues all seemed trivial by comparison.
Earlier this morning, I’d packed up the one set of clothes I’d soiled, showered and call my editor to admit defeat and throw myself on her mercy… except she wasn’t in the office and I left a message. I needed to convince Marcia to hold Addison’s manuscript back and push for approval to publish it for her at a later date, on the promise I’d deliver my own manuscript, as soon as I was able.
I knew that in order to be able to work, I had to put things right with Addison, in order to work on the book, and if I wanted to breathe. I’d made the decision to come back to the city last night and so now I was here with my heart in my hands.
If all wasn’t already lost, I thought in desolation. I felt sick to my stomach, and the hollow feeling moved up and settled into my chest. This was a complete lack of control over my emotions was completely foreign to me and I was floundering like never before.
Now, I was standing on the stoop of her building, once again ringing the buzzer like a madman.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
“Answer, damn it!” I muttered, before I realized why no one was answering. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and no doubt, both Addison and Michelle had gone home to their respective families for the holiday. I hadn’t considered that she would have left the city. I’d completely forgotten that it was a holiday weekend. I could go to her parent’s home looking for her, but the last thing I wanted was to meet them for the first time under these circumstances.
“Ughhhh!” I moaned, dropping my arm, and then running and exasperated hand through my hair. “Damn!”
I’d already traveled to Tennessee and back twice in one week and on top of being a bad way to meet her parents, I was a mess from the traveling and going to Rochester would only make things worse. I sighed heavily and sat down on the cold stone steps. I’d have to wait until Monday to speak to her. Classes resumed and she’d be back in the city by then. Four more days of leaving things at odds with her, loomed in front of me. “Shit.”
Disappointment flooded through me. I wanted to see her. I wanted to spend the weekend all wrapped up on her love. Yes, I desired her body, but I wanted to ease her heart… and mine. I wanted us to be… us.
“What are you doing here, Professor Michaels?”
My head snapped up to see Michelle with a young man, who I could only assume was her boyfriend from the way he was holding her hand, standing in front of me on the sidewalk.
“I came to speak with Addison.” I shook my head and stood. “I realized, after I arrived, that given it was Thanksgiving tomorrow, she probably wasn’t here. I didn’t expect to see you, either.”
“No, she’s not. I’m just getting my suitcase. We’re going to Mark’s parent’s,” Michelle explained. “This is Mark. Professor Michaels.” She introduced us.
I shook the young man’s hand. “Pleased to meet you.”
“You as well, sir.” He answered, politely.
I sighed again; resigned to my fate. “Well, enjoy your weekend,” I said, moving away from them down the street. I had to figure out how in the hell I was going to get through the next few days without calling Addison. Still, she deserved to see me grovel in person.
“Professor… wait,” Michelle called after me.
I turned back, my eyebrow cocking in question. “Yes?”
“Addison is on her way to… Tennessee.” A sly smile slide across her mouth, and her boyfriend joined her. Obviously, he was in on our not-so-secret secret.
Joy flooded my heart and soul. I grinned. “What? When?”
“She left a couple of hours ago. I think her flight is about to leave any minute. I don’t think you’ll be able to catch her, Professor. Should I let her know? She’ll get down there and drive all that way for nothing. Maybe she should wait in Knoxville or take a flight right back to New York?”
Joy, like I’d never felt, filled me. If she was going to find me at my cabin, it wouldn’t be to fight. “No!” I grabbed my one small bag and whistled for a cab, rushing toward the street. Maybe my plans for a romantic holiday weekend weren’t lost after all. “I’ll go there. If she calls you, just ask her to stay put. There is a key behind the porch post on the northwest corner of the cabin.” The smile on my face was so wide it literally made the muscles of my face ache. My heart was flying.
“Professor! Why don’t you just call her yourself?”
A cab pulled over and I opened the door and threw my small bag onto the seat. I glanced back at Michelle and Mark. “If she’s already in the air, her phone will be off, and hopefully, I’ll be on a flight before she lands. Plus, considering everything that’s happened, I’d rather surprise her.”
Michelle’s lower lip popped out and her eyebrows shot up. “Okay.” She nodded. “For sure. I’ll figure out a way to convince Addy to wait without telling her you’re on your way.” Her expression twisted wryly. “That won’t be difficult at all.”
I laughed, sliding inside. “Good girl!” I called before I closed the door. “JFK,” I told the driver as he pulled away from the curb.
My stomach was filled with butterflies as I pulled the rental car into the winding drive. It would be my luck that Jax would have me arrested for trespassing. Despite Jeff’s reassurance, I was still remembering how it felt when Jax walked out.
I wanted to see him. I needed to talk to fill him in about my conversation with Marcia and see if I could convince him of the plan. He said he didn’t want to be co-authors on the book for my sake, but maybe he didn’t want to be tied to me. Doubt nagged at me, and it got worse the more miles that rolled by between Knoxville and Maryville.
Thank God, I had Google Maps on my iPhone. The country was beautiful, the mountains rolling all around, and the roads lined with snow-covered evergreens. It was like a beautiful Christmas card. I couldn’t wait to see it in the full sunlight. It was dusk, and I was tired from the trip. The emotional upheaval of the past week had no doubt contributed.
“In a quarter mile, your destination is on the left,” GPS voice instructed.
My heart started to thud heavily inside my chest. I still had trepidation about just showing up on Jax’s doorstep. The dwelling wasn’t what I’d expected. Jax’s New York apartment was so modern and polished, his manner of dress and grooming always so impeccable, this beat-up and almost tiny cabin took be aback.
The phone sitting on the passenger seat of the Subaru Outback, dinged again. It was my roommate. I’d seen her name on the screen along with some words that blurred when I threw the phone back down. The icy terrane required my complete attention even though the vehicle had all-wheel drive that the rental associate had recommended when she found out I was heading into the Smokey Mountains. Apparently, there had been a lot more snow in Tennessee than there was in New York.
“You have arrived at your destination. Your route guidance is finished,” the voice confirmed.
The sun wasn’t quite down, but the trees cast the place in shadows. I glanced at the temperature showing on the dashboard. The green digital numbers showed 29°F. It wasn’t too cold, but there were no lights on in the house and though there were tire tracks in the snow, no vehicle in the driveway. My heart fell. Jax must not be here. I closed my eyes after my car came to a stop, both hands still gripping the
steering wheel.
“Ding!” My phone insisted again.
I pulled off my gloves and reached for it and read her messages.
Dr. Michaels isn’t at the cabin, Abby. I saw him in New York, this morning.
I’m sorry.
“What?” I exclaimed. “Ughhhhhh!” I moaned, leaning my head back against my seat in disappointment and frustration. Now, I’d have to turn around and find a hotel in Maryville. I doubted there’d be any more flights from Knoxville to New York yet tonight, and besides, I was tired.
Yeah, I’m sitting in front of his house right now.
I guess I’ll go back to Maryville and see if I can get a hotel, then.
You don’t have to. He told me that you could stay at his cabin. He said those back roads are too dangerous to travel at night.
I frowned. Why wouldn’t Jax just text me himself? I decided to ask my friend.
Why didn’t he just text me, himself?
He said you two weren’t talking and asked me to tell you. Maybe he’s ashamed.
Anger swelled inside at her words. Yeah, right. Jax ashamed? My hope for reconciliation vanished, and like a switch, my emotions turned to sadness. I was so fucked up.
No, he’s just mad at me.
Why would he think I’d stay at his stupid cabin, then?
Um… because you’re out in the middle of nowhere, Addy. It’s only one night. Aren’t you curious about what it’s like inside?
She had a point. He’d talked about the cabin so much, I was curious, but I thought I’d be here with Jax, enjoying it with him. I flushed, remembering our plans to spend Thanksgiving weekend here. I’d even told my parents I wouldn’t be home. That was before everything blew up in my face. I sighed brokenly typing back a response.
That’s dumb. I can’t get in.
Within seconds my phone was ringing.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“I got tired of texting. He said there was a porch, and a key is hidden behind one of the corner posts.”
“Great,” I said flatly, glancing at the porch. There were posts on the corners and every few feet between, but there was snow piled around each one. “There is a pile of snow around them. And which one is it, anyway?” I asked crabbily.
Michelle chuckled. “Northwest side. Try to make the best of it!”
I grunted, annoyed. “What’s the best of it? I get to stay here surrounded by him so I can wallow in it all night?”
“I don’t know, Addy. Just… at least he offered.”
“Did he ask about me? I mean, where did you see him?”
My roommate hesitated. “Just on the street. It was a fluke.”
It sounded fishy to me. “Which street? Where?”
“Mark’s on my case to get off the phone. We’ve just arrived at his folks. I love you. Talk to you later, Addy.”
“Wait! Michelle!” I said into the phone, but she’d already ended the call. “Shit!
Reluctant to get out of the car, I waited for a beat, but there was nothing I could do except find the key before it got completely dark outside. Out here in the wilderness, there would be no glow of city lights reflecting off of the overcast sky to help me find it.
I turned off the engine and then turned on the flashlight from my phone and before long I was tiptoeing through the eight inches of snow. I started when the frozen stuff slid into the top of my ankle boots. I used the setting sun to determine the right direction and found the northwest corner. It was on the front side of the house, so thankfully, I didn’t have to trudge through more snowbanks.
I stood staring at the post disappearing into the snow below the porch knowing I’d have to fall to my knees to do this. My feet were already getting wet because the heat from my body was melting the snow around my ankles and it started to run down inside.
“Come on, Addy, you can do this,” I mumbled before letting myself fall to my knees and shoving my hand through the snow. I moved it around and scooped handfuls out of the way. My gloveless fingers starting to freeze. Finally, my middle finger hooked around a keyring and I pulled it out. “Thank God.”
I quickly stood up and made my way up the few steps onto the porch, and shivering, shoved the key into the lock and turned it, pushing open the door.
I was immediately assaulted with Jax’s scent. His cologne permeated the air as I walked inside and closed the door behind me. It was darker inside, but the waning light outside let me make out the shapes of the furniture. I found a lamp on an end table by a couch, and reaching under, I turned it on.
The low light flooded the room. It hit me how masculine the furnishings were, and the interior walls were rustic log cabin. I expected Jax to have one of those ultra-modern log homes that cost a gazillion dollars, but this was small and old fashioned. It was warm inside so it must have central heat and air.
I glanced around, taking it all in. A light blue button down was flung carelessly across the back of the big dark brown sofa. The furniture and appliances were expensive, and the hardwood floors looked new, even if the cabin wasn’t. It had a certain charm in its mix of modern and rustic, with the stone fireplace cradled in between matching sofas and a huge chair and ottoman. The kitchen and living areas were connected and there were two doors on one wall that I could only assume were the bedroom and bathroom. I could see why he loved this place.
I ran my fingers along the top of the chair before going outside to get my small roller bag out of the back of the car. I’d only brought enough clothes for the long weekend, but the bag wouldn’t roll through the snow, so I had to lug it up the stairs and inside.
The wooden door with the curtained pane glass clashed with the lush interior furnishing, but I found it quite quaint. In many ways the cabin was like its owner; polished in many ways but soft and rough around the edges in others. I put my suitcase in the bedroom. The bed was unmade, and the covers rumpled. I touched the pillow where an indent indicated where Jax laid his head.
I sighed. I had to stop it. I was only torturing myself. I had hope when I’d come down here; hope that he’d listen to reason, accept my apology and maybe we could forgive each other. I missed him. So much more than I could have imagined. It was like a part of me was missing. If only Michelle had told me he’d looked like hell, or shown more than a passing interest, I would have felt better. As it was, I didn’t want to stay here without him and was only doing so because it was getting dark.
“Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that Addy,” I admonished myself. The truth was, I wanted to be surrounded by him, even if it was only his things. My heart was bruised, and I would allow myself this one indulgence before I’d be forced to pick myself up and move on. Tonight, alone, here, I’d let myself drown in the memories, I thought sadly.
The cabin had two televisions and I found the remote for the one in Jax’s bedroom and flipped it on. Soon, I’d picked up one of his T-shirts carelessly discarded next to the bed and pulled some clean panties from my suitcase. I hoped a steaming hot shower would relax the tension that round me up tight. I let myself linger inside the tiled walk-in for longer than I normally would; my mind completely full of him.
It all came rushing back. The first time he spoke my name in that big auditorium and then when he’s groaned it out when he made love to me. How, when his eyes roamed over me, I broke out in goosebumps like I’d just been hooked up to an electrical circuit. All the times he’d touched my body, our many walks in the streets of Manhattan, and those damned intellectual talks I knew I’d never experience with anyone else. The intimate dinners and evenings working on my book. How, those Fridays turned into weekends and then… more.
I leaned against the wall letting my emotions overtake me. A few tears mingled with the steam and water drops running down my face as I washed my hair. My heart was seizing, yet I went through the motions. I was helpless to change what was happening, or how I felt. Maybe, it was a mistake staying here. I’d left New York with hope that we’d be okay if I could surprise him down here, yet here I
was alone.
After I’d dressed in Jax’s shirt, and wandered back into the main room, it occurred to me that I hadn’t eaten all day. It was the small stainless-steel refrigerator that reminded me rather than my stomach. I opened the door and leaned in taking stock of the contents. That icky expensive beer Jax preferred, some grossly expensive water, and a variety of cheese and vegetables. Milk and juice. Some deli roast beef. Gourmet Mustard. Apparently, he didn’t plan on eating much while he was down here. I grabbed one of the glass bottles of water and twisted off the cap and took a long drink.
The sun was casting purple and orange shadows across the sky to the west. Soon it would be completely dark. The open laptop on the desk near the window beckoned. Should I try to get in?
My mind screamed; no. I shouldn’t invade his privacy, but my heart was dying to find out anything I could. I wanted to read his book, more than anything. I loved how his mind worked and somehow, reading his words made him feel closer.
I walked around the back of the desk and settled into the expensive dark leather office chair that swallowed me up. My heart started to race as I set the water down and my hand slid over the mouse pad on his laptop.
He’d only put it to sleep, still, the log on screen appeared. Clearly, my fingerprint wouldn’t unlock it, so I had to try to figure out his password. As complicated as Jax was, it wouldn’t be easy. I stared at the dark screen with the white password field pulsing with the cursor. I tried a few that came to mind. His birthday, the class title, our names.
Bestseller101
Jaxon0507
SexyArt101
ArtOfSex
Jax&Addy09
I huffed. No, he’d never use Addy. I wasn’t Addy to him. “Come on, Jaxon, what would you use? Probably something to do with writing,” I mused.
