The next day Carrie felt “gross” and out-of-sorts, and it wasn’t because she drank too much at the party. She had put on a heavy extroverted mask the day before and now her spirit was flagging. She had charmed everyone but left her real self out in the cold. She felt so low and misrepresented she began to question whether she could stay in the marketing business.
This constant reconciling of the outer world with our true inner world, takes a toll on introverts.
ANXIETY AND INTROVERTS
Often the result of constant reconciling is anxiety. Anxiety is both an emotion and a clinical condition.1 The emotion anxiety is natural. Anxiety is predicting or preparing for a negative outcome to a future situation. While waiting for results from a medical biopsy, we experience anxiety. While driving to a first date, sweaty palms or butterflies in the stomach are normal. Simply feeling anxious is not a major cause for concern. According to Dr. Rob Lamberts, MD, in his article, “How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?,” two things separate the emotional state of anxiety from the clinical condition: duration and severity. To officially diagnose someone with clinical anxiety, the symptoms must significantly affect the daily life of the individual and must have existed for at least three months. However, Dr. Lamberts admits that most cases are diagnosed prior to three months.
A common definition of emotional anxiety is a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. If we cannot control something that could potentially harm us, we feel anxious. In clinical anxiety, life feels out of control. It is possible to feel anxious about feeling anxious, which compounds clinical anxiety.
Many introverts report feeling overwhelmed or lost in rumination when they experience excessive stimulation and too many pulls on their attention. Since introverts are energy conservers who rejuvenate by spending quiet time with their thoughts, ideas, and feelings, they get drained when forced to focus on many external influences. They experience racing mind, where thoughts run like bullet trains through their brains. This causes physical lethargy, where their bodies feel heavy and their ability to speak declines. They may express extra emotions. If they are not able to recover in low-stimulation settings, their energy diminishes and they feel out of control. Too much stimulation quickly leads to anxiety for an introvert.
It should be noted that anxiety—both the emotion and clinical condition—can wreak havoc on our physical as well as our mental health. For example, if we feel stress every day after lunch when our new, short-tempered boss goes over our work with a fine-toothed comb, we may start to suffer from digestive problems. Our boss’s critical eye and short fuse become perceived threats to that primitive part of our brain which still prepares for saber-toothed tiger attacks, hence setting in motion the fight-or-flight response. When under threat, our brain sends a message to our gut to slow down its digestive process, so that we can focus blood flow to the extremities (arms and legs), in case we have to fight or flee.
Anxiety can appear as an enduring, non-specific worry or dread, which is called generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), or it can appear in episodic flare-ups such as with a panic disorder or phobia. According to Dr. Lamberts, these kinds of anxiety call for professional help, but other methods of attenuating anxiety’s symptoms are:
•Not feeling ashamed. We do not choose to experience anxiety. It’s the result of genetic sensitivity and environmental influences
•Looking for root causes. Usually something in our past has not been resolved. Understanding why we feel the way we do is a step toward healing
•Talking to someone. If the anxiety is manageable, then talking with a trusted friend, family member, or religious leader might help. A professional is recommended if your anxiety affects day-to-day living
•Taking medication. Under the guidance of a professional, short- or long-term medication can be helpful. Short-term medications, like Valium, are addictive. If they are needed more than a few times a week, long-term daily options are suggested
SOCIAL ANXIETY
Sometimes anxiety centers on interactions with others, as is the case with social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety is the fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment, judgment, criticism, or rejection are perceived to be dangers. Performance can mean something as simple as speaking up during a group project. Social anxiety and shyness go hand in hand.
Social anxiety is all too familiar to many introverts. Is there a difference between introversion and social anxiety disorder? Yes. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, says there are four differences:
1.
Like introverts, the socially anxious crowd has a genetic predisposition toward its traits, but there are two other influences. The first is that we learn that we do not measure up to scrutiny. Perhaps we had a fretful parent who always worried about what the neighbors thought, or an older sibling who over-powered us at every turn. Somehow, we learned that we are always being judged and found lacking.
The second key ingredient to social anxiety is avoidance. We intentionally miss out on social interactions. We go to the store late at night to avoid running into anyone we know. We leave parties early or don’t attend at all to stave off the potential of saying something embarrassing.
In contrast, introversion is primarily a part of our inherent personality. We are born with the genetic trait and the brain processes unique to introverts, such as extra blood flow to the parts of the brain responsible for remembering, solving problems, and planning.
2.
A fear of revealing a flaw or vulnerability. In social anxiety, we think there is something wrong with us. If we socialize too much, someone may discover the chink in our armor. In order to avoid judgment, we play it small and keep our presence unobtrusive. If we don’t stand out, we won’t get picked on. The truth is these flaws are only legitimate to us. Most people would not consider them an issue. Dr. Hendriksen gives appearance as an example of a perceived flaw. Perhaps we think we will turn beet red when all eyes are on us (and people will care), or we were always the “ugly” sister and fear being picked on for our looks. Fears of looking stupid or incompetent are also perceived defects that hold back those with social anxiety.Introversion alone may make us prefer to listen more than talk, but this is not out of a fear of revealing something about us that could permanently damage our self-worth.
Social anxiety may fluctuate depending on the audience. Close and trusted companions may free the socially anxious to be themselves and to contribute. Strangers may cause the anxious to withdraw in fear of making a mistake or not knowing what to say. Acquaintances and coworkers may require the socially anxious to develop a false persona.
The creation of a social persona/self helps many people identify and participate within a group. Some call it their “game face” or their “work smile.” It helps them feel a sense of belonging; however, the social self, if too removed from the true self, feels extra heavy and draining.
Perfectionism rears its ugly head in social anxiety. The only way to prevent harsh criticism is to be perfectly witty, charismatic, beautiful, and smart. The pressure to not make mistakes paralyzes us. For example, we may decline a friend’s invitation to try out a new yoga class because we are afraid we won’t be able to do the poses and others will make fun of us.
The non-socially-anxious do not feel every interaction is a do-or-die performance. They don’t beat themselves up if they forget someone’s name or deliver a dull response to a question. They give themselves permission to make mistakes, and they believe others will forgive them too.
3.
Social anxiety gets in the way of living our life. When fear drives our behavior, we miss out on what others have to offer. We skip events, we avoid social interaction. And even when we are physica
lly present, we are mentally absent because we are focused on what could go wrong. Remember the Oxford University study we talked about earlier? This kind of social avoidance is associated with lower happiness levels
Introversion is distinct from clinical social anxiety. Introverts may leave parties early or stay home in the first place, but they choose to do so. They could spend time talking and joking with friends at the party, but they prefer to have a nice, quiet dinner at home with their significant other. It is a preference not a fear that drives their decisions.
SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER AND CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY
A study called the “Oregon Depression Project” followed the lives of 1709 adolescents until their thirtieth birthdays (although many participants dropped out before they hit thirty). The study showed a correlation between social anxiety and alcohol and marijuana dependency, but no correlation between social anxiety and alcohol and marijuana abuse.
Drug abuse is an intense desire to use increasing amounts of a particular substance to the exclusion of other activities. Drug dependence is the body’s physical need for a specific agent; dependency and addiction are the same thing.
After controlling for theoretically relevant variables such as the presence of other anxiety disorder diagnoses and previous substance use dependencies, the correlation between a lifetime history of social anxiety disorder (SAD) and a lifetime history of alcohol and marijuana dependency remained.
According to an article on Susan Cain’s website Quiet Revolution by Dr. Hendriksen titled, “Hope in a Bottle: The Link Between Alcohol and Social Anxiety”, the socially anxious turn to liquid courage to quell their social inhibitions. Alcohol serves a few purposes for the socially afraid. It loosens them up before the party and gives them the courage to even attend the shindig. Once at the event, alcohol serves as the magic elixir that makes them fun, entertaining and relaxed. Alcohol also helps the socially anxious drown their sorrows and mellow their memories after a perceived failed night of mixing and mingling. “I should not have said that!” “What was I thinking wearing the bright pink sweater? I stood out like a pink elephant.”
Especially troubling is that although people with SAD drink less overall than other, non-SAD people, their incidence of hazardous drinking with negative consequences was much higher. Their infrequent attendance of social functions keeps their alcohol consumption low overall, but when they do imbibe, they go all out. The heavy exposure, low tolerance, and inexperience put them in danger of risky behavior such as indiscriminate sex or failure to show up for work.
Many of the plaguing hallmarks of SAD—fear of not living up to scrutiny, fear of revealing a flaw, perfectionism—come out at parties. Alcohol and/or drugs ameliorate a person’s perceived social shortcomings. It isn’t long before a person with SAD believes he or she needs the mood-altering drug to fit in at all, hence the resulting dependency.
Interestingly, the definition of SAD found in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) does not include the avoidance of social activities. Without this criterion, sufferers of SAD appear to experience greater incidents of alcohol use dependency. The avoidance criterion in the DSM-III definition kept the SAD individuals who did not attend as many social events (they avoided them) in the calculations, thus reducing the numbers associated with increased risk of lifetime alcohol dependence.
BREAKING THE BARRIER OF SOCIAL ANXIETY
We all experience awkward social moments and those moments when our hearts pound out of our chests. I have a particularly strong reaction—immediate perspiration, flushing of the face—when I feel I am being oserved. If a conversation suddenly swings so that all eyes are on me, it is not uncommon for me to forget where I was going with my dialogue. Times from my childhood when my sister pounced on an error in my speech or made fun of my contribution to the conversation still haunt me. But I am happy to say (yes, I’m a happy introvert) that such moments do not hold me back from taking part in the world. I enthusiastically put myself out into the mix of socializing, loving and learning.
Here are a few of the action steps I’ve employed myself and recommend to push past the barrier of social anxiety:
1.Leave your comfort zone. Home is so nice and safe because it either holds people you know well or offers solitude with no people at all. If you leave the comfort zone of your home, however, you can find and forge new places where you can have social interactions without feeling emotionally unsafe. The key to finding an encouraging and kind atmosphere is to think about what you love to do. Do you get a rush from exercising? Join a group class that includes music you enjoy. Most classes meet regularly. You will see the same people every week. They will become familiar and, as a bonus, they also love fitness and the same type of music. Maybe you want a more serene setting than the gym. How about a writing class or a guitar lesson, which combine solitary practice, one-on-one coaching, and group workshops or performances? I have personally used these two settings to launch myself into new social circles and increase my repertoire of skills, although the guitar lessons proved more of a boon for making like-minded friends than for becoming a musical talent. Take small but committed steps. If you sign up for a class and pay for it, chances are you will follow through. I chose a writing class for beginners in a part of the city where I didn’t know anyone. I often find it easier to try new skill-building activities among strangers. If I do make a mistake, I won’t run into my new classmates at the grocery store or my kids’ schools. Much like the rural farm people who moved into the city for industrial jobs in the early 1900s, I am emboldened by anonymity. Once in a new place with new people, I take the time to notice how I feel. Am I energized? Do I feel safe to make mistakes? If the answer is yes, I dig in deep and buoy my social strength by slowly increasing my participation. For example, I may ask the teacher or a fellow participant a question after class.
2.Ask questions. Most people are experts on themselves, so ask open-ended questions about their lives and interests. A simple, “What do you love to do in your free time?” can easily garner a few minutes of conversation. Note that this question is unintimidating and that there are no right or wrong answers, so even other socially anxious introverts will find it easy to respond. Other examples of safe and conversation-generating questions are, “So you are from Chicago. What do you miss about that city?” or “How did you meet your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife?” In her book, If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, Brenda Ueland says that most people will find you extremely charming and witty if you ask questions about them. Bonus: there is no fear of revealing too much if you’re the one asking questions.
3.Volunteer or help someone. I’ve been a part of several volunteer organizations. Who can fault, make fun of, or complain about someone who is volunteering his or her time? Again, pick an area that interests you—child welfare, education, cancer research, animal rescue, etc.—and dip your toe in. Commit to attending at least three sessions. Giving to others feels good and puts you in environments with other generous, thoughtful people. Volunteers tend to be unintimidating, open-minded, and open-hearted people. I have seen introverts take on jobs at friends’ parties, such as stocking the food table or cleaning up afterwards. The sense of purpose and focus gives them the ability to take part in the event and even stay longer than planned.
4.Make socializing manageable. Invite one or two people out for lunch. Approach people one at a time. Introverts are usually more comfortable in one-on-one settings. Even at a neighborhood BBQ, it is possible to get a neighbor alone on the edge of the gathering and discuss subjects near and dear to you. If you are especially brave, attend an event by yourself. You look more approachable to others if you are alone. I started attending church by myself, and found I was quite popular at the coffee hour afterward. I enjoyed the service part of church, which allowed me to be in my head and relatively anonymous, but then was able to circulate in small doses with
one or two people afterward. Gaining the friendship of people at a manageable pace—one or two at a time—works perfectly for introverts and making one new friend often leads to introductions to more new friends.
The eight practices outlined in the following chapters will expand on and provide additional methods of alleviating the anxiety that introverts experience while living and loving in an extroverted world.
SECTION II:
INDEPENDENCE
Stephen Covey said that independence is the paradigm of I. “I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.” After passing through the dependent stage of the maturity continuum, we hone skills to get what we want ourselves, rather than depending on others to do it for us. We physically do the work ourselves. We mentally think and make decisions for ourselves. We emotionally validate ourselves from within. We self-direct and act on our own accord instead of reacting to the stimuli of others.
We may think we’ve left dependency in the dust, but, we often have emotional dependencies. The immature or insensitive behavior of others still controls our reactions. We still take on a victim mentality and complain about the state of our lives, blaming others for our misfortune.
A way to test whether we are stuck in dependency is to change our circumstances and see if unhappiness persists. A dependent individual remains unhappy or returns to an unhappy state relatively quickly, if they are not truly inner-directed.
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 3
