I continually asked myself, “What would fill me up? What do I need to recover from this downward spiral?”
Here is the short list of answers:
•Positive emotional connection with others
•Time to myself
•Creativity, insight and meaningful work
•Exercise
•Sleep
APPLY SELF-AWARENESS
Before starting on the list, it is important to note that self-soothing requires knowing ourselves well, which is accomplished by using the self-awareness tools we discussed in the previous chapter:
•Notice where tension exists and where it doesn’t
•Pay attention and stay in the present
•Experiment within your most emotionally safe relationships to determine your skills and weaknesses
•Slow down and under-schedule yourself to hear your inner voice
It is vital to know our likes and dislikes and how-to re-center ourselves. By knowing ourselves, we take care of ourselves and have answers when others inquire or test our boundaries.
Once we have self-awareness, it is easier to administer self-care. In fact, as I wrote this chapter I noticed a lot of overlap between the subject matter in “Practice One: Waking Up” and this chapter on calming our nervous system with self-care. I found it difficult at times to decide which chapter to place certain information in. Solitude, for example, is mentioned under both practices. It seems that as we learn about ourselves we nurture ourselves, and vice versa.
POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
Although our culture often undervalues emotions and overvalues intellect, emotions came first in our brain’s evolutionary development. According to neuroscientists, we felt emotions millions of years before we generated thoughts. So rather than being thinking creatures that feel, we are actually feeling creatures that think. Some emotions seem like something we should hide. If others see us as emotional, we feel weak or not as together. If we show our feelings, we appear out of control.
But emotions serve a purpose. They warn us of danger, by putting us on alert and making us pay attention with fight or flight responses. Our emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us. They talk to us and allow us to create deeper connections with ourselves by helping us see what truly matters. Emotions, if shared openly and validated, also help us connect with others and keep us from feeling alone.
If we internalize and suppress our feelings for too long, it can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health. Some common side effects of suppressed emotions are:
•Depression
•Low energy
•Eating, sleeping and learning problems
•Digestive issues, muscle tension, headaches or back pain
•Irritability
•Anxiety
•Feeling alone
•Wondering if we matter
•Shallow relationships
Leaving our emotions undifferentiated and unexpressed causes a downward spiral, like the one I was in when I started composing this chapter.
The first step to combating emotional decline is to name or put words to what we feel. Scientific evidence shows labeling emotions with specific words provides relief. A study done in 2007 by Dr. Matthew Lieberman, Director of Social Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles, Dr. Naomi Eisenberger, Director of Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles, and their colleagues had participants look at pictures of people with emotional facial expressions. Using fMRI technology, the scientists were able to see the amygdala and other limbic sections of the brain light up with activity in reaction to the pictures. When asked to name the emotions seen, the activity in the amygdala diminished and activity in the prefrontal cortex increased. Labeling the emotions moved the reaction from the primitive and more alarm-setting region of the brain (amygdala, limbic system) to the more evolved, more decisive and in-control region (prefrontal cortex), thus leading to a calmer feeling.
When working with clients, I have an exercise I use to check in with them regarding their current emotional state. The tool is also helpful for them to use on their own, when they want to re-center themselves. The acronym I created for the exercise is N.A.A.P.T.T. and it stands for:
N: Name emotions
A: Accept emotions
A: Attribute emotions
P: Positive relational memory
T: Talk to others
T: Take action
I remember the acronym by thinking N, double A, P, double T or if read phonetically it sounds like napped. Naps provide relief.
N for naming emotions. This is a direct use of the Lieberman study results. Naming what we feel shifts how our brains process the emotions. Using specific words to articulate feelings alleviates stress. It causes us to feel more in control and therefore more at ease.
A for accepting emotions. As mentioned, many times we feel bad for having emotions. We think we should be composed and strong all the time. The truth is that emotions provide feedback, which is valuable to our decision-making. We need to listen to the feelings and allow them to guide us. Another good point to remember is that emotions pass. Like clouds in the sky or the daily weather, they move on after a time. Resisting them only gives them power over us, as shown in the list of results from suppressed feelings.
A for attributing emotions. This is the step where I ask clients what has changed recently and why they may be feeling this way. Have they experienced this feeling before and, if so, what was the cause at that time? Many of our feelings stem from past experiences, especially those encountered during childhood. Figuring out and stating the narrative from our past helps soothe old wounds. We’ll talk more about this in Practice Five.
P for positive relational memory or PRM. Psychiatrist and expert in relational psychopharmacology Amy Banks defines PRMs as a time you remember feeling safe and happy in another person’s presence. I advise clients to keep a mental or written list of these moments. I use photos on my phone or a list I created in a notes application to remind me of such times. Focusing on these memories increases dopamine in our brain, which creates a feeling of pleasure.
The final two Ts are the action steps. They go beyond reflection. The action steps are where the hardest but most valuable personal growth occurs.
T for talk to others. Now for introverts and those with social anxiety, this may seem more daunting than helpful. I am not suggesting you find a social gathering and spill your guts. I suggest thinking about the relationships that offer the most emotional safety and reach out to them. This may be one person or it may even be a pet. The important thing is to express your feelings. Allow your emotions to connect you with another being.
T for take action. For some situations, taking action could mean talking to someone; either your closest companions or the person you feel is the origin of the emotion. This may mean saying no to a request of your time or standing up to a power-hungry coworker. Other examples of action taking are working on a fitness plan or moving to a new city.
DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION
A favorite personal mantra is “Action dissolves fear.” I know stewing in my own pity and frustration does no good. I have to stop the ruminating. I have to do something.
Before we take action, we make decisions. Decisions stop the loop of worry, which indecision exacerbates.
I’ve learned from experience that I may not make the perfect choice right off the bat. Often there are too many choices, and the fallout is unpredictable. I use self-awareness and a keen knowledge of my preferences to make the best (although not perfect) decision.
Neuroscience backs up the benefits of making a good-enough decision. In The Upward Spiral, author and neuroscientist Dr. Alex Korb states that recognizing that good enough is good enough activate
s the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex part of the brain, which helps us feel more in control. Dr. Korb also says creating intentions and setting goals engages the prefrontal cortex of the brain in a positive way, reducing worry and anxiety. Making decisions also helps us overcome activity in the brain’s striatum. The striatum often pulls us toward negative impulses and routines. Lastly, decisions help us find solutions to our problems, which calms our limbic system (emotional feeling part of the brain) and allows us to act instead of stew.
THE POWER OF INTERACTING
I craved emotional connection. I wanted to have meaningful conversations. I wanted to feel heard, understood, and loved. Life had been busy lately; there was no time for such quality interactions.
The need to interact poses a conundrum for the introvert. As seen in my list of how to recover from my downward spiral, I wanted time to myself as well as intimate connection. Introverts want connection, but recharge in solitude or with a select few people. Interacting may be more effortful for us, but the results are worth it.
Scientific studies demonstrate humans do not thrive when alone. Our species’ evolution and mental wiring dictate we be social. Studies show being socially rejected activates the same parts of your brain as physical pain does. Often if our mood starts to decline, it means we need to be with others. A sense of belonging and a need to be needed are two powerful drivers for humans. Just being in a populated environment without actually interacting helps elevate our mood. Pets count as options for interaction, which should put some introverts’ minds to rest.
BRING ON THE OXYTOCIN
Carrying on nonjudgmental conversations with others builds trust and attachment, which kick-starts an upward spiral of emotions with a release of the hormone oxytocin.2 Oxytocin is produced:
•During sex
•With soft touching
•When we feel someone trusts us
•When we feel we can trust others
Oxytocin decreases the feelings of stress, fear and pain. It is sometimes called the cuddle drug or love hormone.
During one study, oxytocin showed an antidepressant effect in mice that had minor injuries but were paired with another mouse postinjury. Having a partner during recovery increased the amount of oxytocin in the mice’s systems. Mice with injuries and no partners developed symptoms of depression and gave up easily on difficult tasks. The paired mice showed less depression and more resilience.
Stress and anxiety are caused by reactions in the limbic system—the part of your brain responsible for emotions and the forming of memories. The amygdala, hypothalamus, and hippocampus are all part of the limbic system. Oxytocin quiets an overreactive amygdala and increases communication between the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, which helps regulate our emotions. It also stimulates the area of the brain where the pleasure chemical dopamine is produced.
HOW TO INCREASE YOUR BODY’S OXYTOCIN PRODUCTION
Various forms of touching: massages, long hugs, orgasms, handshakes, and petting animals all enhance oxytocin production. Trusting, being trusted, and feeling safe emotionally with another person also release oxytocin.
Some of us did not have the best relationships with our parents growing up. Unfortunately, oxytocin enhances our feelings about close relationships based on our relationships with our parents. If our relationship with our parents was difficult, we will have a tendency to react negatively to close relationships. This can be improved though rebuilding positive neural circuits and increasing oxytocin production. So, there is hope! Positive and secure relationships build new circuits.
Another positive way relationships affect our lives is by sharing eye contact. Couple therapist Dr. Stan Tatkin says eye gazing relaxes us and makes us feel connected because it turns off the hypervigilant search for threats of the limbic system (you’ve already let the person in close enough to look into their eyes) and turns on the trusting, fully engaged, more evolved prefrontal cortex.
TIME ALONE
The opposite of seeking interaction is seeking time alone. Despite all of the benefits of connecting with others, this introvert still needs time alone.
Perhaps it is, as Marti Olsen Laney says in The Introvert Advantage, that my innate introverted nature is more sensitive to stimulation and uses longer neural pathways and more parts of my brain to process incoming information. This would definitely explain a deep desire to get away from too much stimulation. My brain needs a break.
Or perhaps the insecure attachment style I developed as a child causes me to seek autonomy and avoid rejection. The lack of consistent availability of my parents encouraged self-reliance and self-soothing. Because of the unavailability of emotional support, I adopted an avoidant attachment style which causes me to withdraw to self-regulate when the going gets tough. We will talk about attachment styles and their effects more in Practice Five.
SPIRITUALITY ON MY OWN
Either way, I need quiet time to myself. Solitude provides space to develop self-awareness as was mentioned in Practice One. Simply listening to music, reading, or meditating renews me. In solitude, I rest. I daydream about and long for my important relationships. I hear my inner voice and listen for hints to what I truly value. In this way, solitude provides a spiritual experience. It puts me in touch with my truths and the truths of humanity. It directs me and renews my commitment to do and be better than I was yesterday. Be a better mother, daughter, partner, friend, writer, personal coach, and human. I get the calming effect of touching my spiritual core without attending a formal religious ceremony. Formal religions and rituals may have their place for us too, but it is important to note that we do not have to participate with others in order to experience spiritual grace.
Alone I do not have to reconcile what I know in my thoughts with what is going on in the external world. I don’t have to be perfect. Any social anxiety I have dims in solitude. I can concentrate and perform the delicate process of recognizing patterns and making associations, which often leads to creativity.
CREATIVITY, INSIGHT AND MEANINGFUL WORK
“The creative person is constantly seeking to discover himself, to remodel his own identity, and to find meaning in the universe by means of what he creates. He finds this to be a valuable integrating process which, like meditation or prayer, has little to do with other people, but which has its own separate validity. His most significant moments are those in which he attains some new insight, or makes some new discovery; and these moments are chiefly, if not invariably, those in which he is alone.” —Anthony Storr, Solitude: A Return to the Self
Composing this chapter, and this entire book for that matter, served as an exercise in discovering new facets of myself, finding meaning in my work, and gaining insight about introversion, anxiety and relationships.
LONG-TERM GOALS CREATE MEANING
According to Dr. Korb in The Upward Spiral, people are at their best when moving toward a long-term meaningful goal. Dopamine (pleasure and motivation neurotransmitter and chemical messenger) is produced in the body when the goal is achieved and with each step we make toward the goal. Having a long-term plan also allows our prefrontal cortex (highly developed part of our brain that gives us a sense of control) to effectively organize our actions. Ill-defined goals do not lead to the same level of satisfaction or the same level of activity in the brain because the brain is unable to determine when a goal is achieved. Creating specific, meaningful and achievable long-term goals can even reverse the effects of depression.
Tapping into creativity is also an excellent way to boost our mood. Creativity with a long-term end goal is even better.
FINDING CREATIVITY IN IDLENESS
Creativity fascinates me because it is both a process of persistence and craftsmanship and a process of sitting back and allowing random ideas to mingle and copulate. It is often in moments of idleness that our purest and most revelatory insights and creations develop. As we drive do
wn empty highways, take long hot showers, go for long but lazy walks and sit daydreaming in a room bathed in sunshine, we expand. We come up with new solutions to our problems, new material for our book, new ways to communicate with loved ones, new chords to a song, etc.
“But if it is the dreamy idleness that children have, an idleness when you walk alone for a long, long time, or take a long, dreamy time at dressing, or lie in bed at night and thoughts come and go, or dig in a garden, or drive a car for many hours alone, or play the piano, or sew, or paint ALONE; or an idleness… With all my heart, I tell you and reassure you: at such times, you are being slowly filled and recharged with warm imagination, with wonderful, living thoughts.” —Brenda Ueland, If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit
FINDING CREATIVITY IN ACTION
Sir Ken Robinson, noted British public speaker and expert on education, creativity, and innovation, describes creativity as applied imagination. He believes our capacity for creativity allows us to rethink our lives and find our way to what drives us. He says we cannot just sit around thinking about creativity. It requires acting on it, doing something.
If I would have only sat and thought about writing this chapter, it would not have had the same mood-boosting effect as actually stringing sentences together, typing them on the computer, and sharing them with you. The structure and some of the components of this chapter were contrived while showering, so idleness played a part in my creative process, just as the quote above from Brenda Ueland says, and so does taking action as Sir Ken Robinson says, because after coming up with ideas in the shower, I typed them on my laptop.
As mentioned in the action steps for “Practice One: Waking Up”, it is a good idea to ask ourselves where we feel most energized and where we feel most at home. The answers to these questions serve as signposts to our creativity and meaningful work.
ARE YOU IN YOUR ELEMENT?
In his book, The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything, Sir Ken Robinson describes a state of being he calls the element as the meeting point between natural aptitude and personal passion. This is the ultimate state for growth and learning. In their element, people connect with something fundamental to their sense of identity, purpose and well-being. People often describe finding their element as an epiphany. It’s a sense of defining whom they really are and what they are meant to do with their lives. The element has two main features and two conditions for being in it. The two features are aptitude and passion. The conditions are attitude and opportunity.
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