Therefore, as introverts in Jung’s individuation process, we would need to strive to not only thrive in our inner world, but find ways to establish ourselves in the outer, extroverted world as well. If we feel most comfortable relying on facts and concrete information (sensation), we would also need to practice embracing our intuition, the big picture and future possibilities. If we make decisions easily based on our personal values or keeping harmony within the group (both in line with the feeling function), then we would want to work on using intellect, logic and effectiveness (attributes of the thinking function) also.
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT NOT FOR THE MAJORITY?
Jung believed only exceptional individuals reached the peaks of personal development. Individuation means parting company with the crowd. It could lead to loneliness at first. Most people are more comfortable within the majority. They follow the choices and beliefs of their families, religious affiliations or community.
“The fact that the conventions always flourish in one form or another only proves that the vast majority of mankind do not choose their own way, but convention, and consequently develop not themselves but a method and a collective mode of life at the cost of their own wholeness.” —Carl Jung
Jung thought only exceptional individuals could tune into their own nature and advance it by developing their personal functions and values. As we said in chapter one, real character develops by working on our weaknesses and losing our egos in the “valley of humility.” The road to a higher self means monitoring, confronting and enhancing our internal processes and virtues or lack thereof.
SELF-DISCIPLINE
“The impediment to action advances action.
What stands in the way becomes the way.” —Marcus Aurelius
Character and wholeness are built by creating constructive habits, desires and lifestyles that defeat our inner weaknesses. According to David Brooks in The Road to Character, we become more disciplined, considerate, and loving through a thousand small acts of self-control, sharing, service, friendship and refined enjoyment. Brooks talks about making disciplined, caring choices that create entrenched positive neural pathways. A thousand small acts of self-control sounds like a practice to incorporate like yoga, fitness, or meditation. The benefits do not show up overnight. The practices must be applied consistently and require self-discipline.
Self-discipline is a skill. It is the ability to focus and overcome distractions. It is the ability to make ourselves do what we do not want to do and not do what we want to do. In many cases, it is doing what is right or good for us (or our children, our friends, our spouse, etc.) versus doing what is easy. It requires pause, conscious choice, and delayed gratification.
The things that lead us astray from character development and self-discipline are short-term, like fear, lust or gluttony. Good character traits, such as courage, honesty, perseverance and self-reliance, are long term and the results of self-discipline.
EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY AND SELF-DISCIPLINE
For those who grew up with little emotional availability or structure from their parents, the struggle is even more difficult. In Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, psychologist, Dr. Jonice Webb, says clients from emotionally unavailable and permissive homes often come to her with complaints about their procrastination, lack of motivation and disorganization. Their parents, although loving and giving, did not make them do chores around the house. They did not establish set dinner, bed or homework times. The children could eat whatever and whenever they wanted. They could spend money on whatever they wanted. The individual as a child was not truly seen or given limits.
When they grew up, they had no idea how to set limits and accomplish long-range goals themselves. They were used to immediate gratification and indulgence. In other words, they found it difficult to do the things that helped them complete long-term tasks or long-term character development.
In the absence of a parental voice giving the child guidance, structure and discipline, the child developed their own inner voice, which could be hyper-critical —You idiot! You are going to be late again or over-indulgent —That homework doesn’t matter. It’ll be more fun to watch TV.
My parents were involved and I had all of my basic needs met. I was never hungry. I had the proper clothing and memorable vacations. My parents exemplified self-discipline regarding work fairly well. They both worked hard. My dad and stepmother taught us how to dust, vacuum, and do dishes. We had meals and bedtimes at regular hours. The thing that trips up my self-discipline regiment now, that could have its roots in my childhood, is the fact that my parents were very “hands-off” once I entered high school when it came to discipline, monitoring my school work or checking in on my emotional life. I did not have a curfew. My homework was my responsibility. They assumed I was toeing the line like I always did, or that I would speak up if I needed anything. Speaking up in general is not easy for an introvert, but speaking up about feelings is even harder.
Soft inquiry regarding my inner thoughts would have been most helpful. It would have given me a feeling of being seen and supported. I don’t remember any conversations about my future. I was on my own to figure that out. Financially, it was difficult for my parents to contribute to post-high school expenses. I watched my friends’ parents help them land jobs and make decisions about college. I learned from them.
My mother provided scheduling and home life stability but not a lot of emotional stability. She was always there for food, money, a ride, etc. but she had a lot on her plate and I learned not to bother her. She did not make us do work around the house. She said it was easier to do it herself. She struggled with depression and used food to comfort herself. She had no coping skills and relied on others, food and medication to soothe her discomfort. Sadly, she did not have many loving secure relationships around her to help her deal with life’s ups and downs.
My parents’ motto was, “We’ll give you rope until you hang yourself.” They have even told me in recent years they just assumed I was OK. They were happy to not have to worry about me. They could focus on work, other relationships and other endeavors.
Without my parents’ consistent guidance and structure, I learned to take care of myself but also developed a longing for someone to help make decisions and notice how great I was at accomplishing things. I stayed fit. Got good grades. Maintained a nice social circle. Worked a job. Paid my way to Spain my senior year of high school. Yet, there was a feeling of unsteadiness. Something missing. I was not truly seen or fully supported. I knew that if I fell, it would be mostly up to me to recover.
My parents’ removed style of parenting left me to figure out my own methods of self-discipline. Fortunately, my friends and their families were good influences. I also had a drive to learn new things (which I inherited from my father). I’d had enough success in school to know I wanted a college degree and thus was willing to work toward that goal.
It does not take too much imagination to picture what could have happened if I had not run with ambitious and disciplined friends, had not had parents who modeled good work ethic, or if I’d lacked curiosity. It would have been easy to slip into a life of settling for mediocre. With no one checking on my grades or future, I could have indulged in more television viewing, less homework and studying. I could have eaten my way to comfort, like my mom, and not learned the good feeling of being healthy or the benefit of using positive methods of self-soothing. I could have settled for a high school degree and a career that did not challenge me. In the absence of a parental voice, I could have installed a hypercritical one of my own. I could have paralyzed my actions with a requirement of perfection. I would have been asleep at the wheel, living a reactionary life.
If you are traveling that path now, I recommend waking up, as described in Practice One. Take a proactive lead in your life. Take time to figure out who you are and how to leverage your skills and resources. I also strongly suggest fo
llowing the steps toward self-discipline spelled out in the following paragraphs.
APPLYING SELF-DISCIPLINE DEFICITS FROM THE PAST
As I said, I was lucky to have the drive and good influences to push me toward my goals. The problem came when I began parenting my own children. I subconsciously administered the same tactics or lack of tactics my parents did. I assumed my kids did not need me involved with their every move. They would figure it out and accomplish independence like I did. The fast-paced world of upper-middle-class suburbia already had me carpooling, volunteering at schools, throwing huge birthday parties and helping with homework a hundred times more than my parents ever did. In their defense, the 70s and 80s were times of freedom, less parental supervision, and less focus on academic perfection.
TECHNOLOGY, PARENTING AND SELF-DISCIPLINE TODAY
In today’s culture of busy-ness and meritocracy, it is easy to pass the buck of parenting onto technology, school teachers, and team coaches. We are busy, so our children have to be busy too. We do not have time to give them our undivided attention. The television, iPad, laptop, and phone keep them quiet while we work on our iPad, laptop and phone. We get them to all of their extra-curricular activities and do our best to ensure their future success with tutoring, ACT prep classes, fitness training, etc., but do we ask them how they are feeling? Do they know they are loved and feel they are loved? Do we know what lights them up? Do we take the time to play with them or let them play?
As a parent, I know I fail daily in the “be present” department. I am aware of the consequences of emotional neglect and I still falter. In order to get my work done, I let the rules and schedule slide at home. I make more eye contact with my laptop than I do with my kids some days. I reward or entertain my kids with food. I let them take the lead in their welfare by asking them questions such as, “Are you ready for bed now?” and “Do you think you can get your homework done later if you workout/watch TV/play now?” My self-discipline needs improvement. I’m not setting a good example.
In occupational therapist Victoria Prooday’s article, “Why Are Our Children So Bored at School, Cannot Wait, Get Easily Frustrated and Have No Real Friends?”, she mentions the changes in children and parenting she has seen in her ten years of work. She says technology has disconnected us emotionally from our children and families. Parents are apt to give the child a device rather than offer emotional availability. Technology does not give children emotional warmth and a sense of being heard and seen. It diminishes attention spans with its high stimulation and immediate gratification. Kids want everything to be exciting like their games/videos and they want it now. Doing tedious or effortful work causes meltdowns. Children do not know how to wait or work steadily. They don’t have self-discipline.
“The concept of ‘need to do‘ is absent.” —Victoria Prooday
I started working as a substitute paraprofessional in the public school system last year. As a special-needs paraprofessional, I see the effects of long-term technology babysitting. Granted, there are other causes for attention issues including ADHD and depression, but technology definitely plays a detrimental role. Kids cannot sit still to listen to instructions from the teacher. They need constant redirection to stay on task. Their lives are led by a series of beeps, bells, and chimes. I admit I am guilty of using my Fitbit fitness watch as a reward if a student completed his schoolwork. I will not do that again. Thank you Ms. Prooday for your reminder. My mother, who spent thirty-one years as a pre-school teacher, said that by the end of her tenure she practically had to be Houdini to keep the kids’ attention. They do not know how to say no to distractions, especially during tasks that require concentration such as handwriting or timed-testing.
My client’s son struggles to get up and ready in the morning. He is a teenager now and better about getting himself around, but since he was in elementary school, he’s struggled with time management. Every morning there would be yelling (from his mom unfortunately), half-eaten breakfasts, an unzipped backpack and mad-dashes out the door to catch the bus. No matter what Sarah, my client, did to get him up and motivated, he still managed to fall back asleep after she woke him, dilly-dally in the shower, not have his homework together and raise her blood pressure.
Sarah and her husband are fairly structured and organized people but she has a tendency to grant leniency. With so many things on her to do list, it is difficult to monitor her son’s every step. She has more of a “I don’t care how you do it, just get it done attitude.” Could this be form of, “We’ll give you rope until you hang yourself”? Because of Dr. Webb’s book, I have asked Sarah to take a deep look at the possibility of emotional neglect as the culprit for her son’s lack of self-discipline. Were they overly permissive, leaving him to his own devices too often? Sarah admits having a hard time asking people to do things. Did they focus on his performance more than his feelings, thus giving him a hyper-critical inner voice he can’t ignore? These are hard pills to swallow as parents.
Now that their son is considering colleges, it is absolutely necessary to focus on long-term goals. It is difficult to get him to do the (tedious) but necessary steps to work toward completing applications.
In working with him to develop his self-discipline, Sarah and her husband have to apply self-sacrifice mixed with self-control. They need to be a conglomeration of the old eulogy virtues of the early to mid-1900s (patience, generosity, selflessness) and the résumé virtues (drive, tenacity, assertiveness) of the 2000s. They have to offer emotional availability and distinct actions steps to foster his development. In doing so, they stretch their character and his. Whew, it’s hard!
Here are recommended action steps for improving children’s self-discipline:
•Teach your child to do tedious work like folding laundry or dusting
•Make them wait! They do not have to have the latest toy/phone/clothing the same day they ask for it. They can wait thirty minutes for dinner without having a snack
•Avoid technology use in cars and restaurants
•Limit constant snacking. They are not hungry all the time, but they eat like they are
•Set limits. Bedtimes, amount of junk food allowed, technology time, meal times. These should all be spelled out
•Social expectations. Encourage eye contact and manners. Make them share things. Have them take turns. Embody the golden rule
•Say no to them and stick to it. It is so easy to appease, but being a parent means doing what’s good for our children, not what requires the least effort. Consistency is key. Kids have an incredible knack for wearing us down. I’ve learned to say “No” with no further explanation. I had to curtail my tendency to justify my negative response. That registered as “the door is not completely closed” to my children. Mom’s still talking. She must feel guilty, weak, or open to discuss the request. Say “No” and walk away
We all falter sometimes when it comes to self-discipline. We are human, but if it has been a chronic issue our whole lives, it’s time to dig into the causes, take action to remedy the negative outcomes, and improve our overall character.
Dr. Webb says signs of poor self-discipline are:
•We feel that we are lazy
•We procrastinate
•We have difficulty with deadlines
•We tend to overeat, drink too much, oversleep or overspend
•We are bored with the tedium of life
•We tend to avoid mundane tasks
•We are angry at ourselves for how little we get done
•We underachieve
•We are disorganized even though we have the capacity to do better
ANOTHER WAY TO CHANNEL AND DEVELOP SELF-DISCIPLINE
As adults, besides the action steps for children, which also apply to us, there is something else we can do to increase our self-discipline. We can figure out our higher and lower loves. We can ref
lect on what we value most. If we have a vested interest or belief in what we do, we tend to incorporate habits to support the desired behavior and outcomes. Once we know what we value, the short-term distractions are easier to ignore or replace with healthy choices.
As writer Mark Manson humorously and not so subtly put it in his post, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, we have to figure out where we want to give a fuck. We only have so many fucks to give and not giving a fuck (indifference) is not an option. Not giving a fuck—meaning we do not mind being different—is good. If we are willing to go against the crowd and put time and energy into what matters to us instead of what matters to the crowd, we will go somewhere.
How do we figure out what we value most? A minister I know once asked, “What breaks your heart enough to make you stand up and fight?” It could go the other way too. “What fills your heart enough to make you stand up and fight?” Ranking our desires and loves based on morals can help us stay disciplined. For example, love for our children is a higher love than our love of web surfing or a favorite television show. Therefore, organizing our self-discipline based on our love for our children is a priority. Internet surfing and television viewing, are things we can limit to enhance our relationships with our kids. Activities and behaviors that improve or support our highest loves keep us on the right track by helping us say “No” to those that do not.
What are some of your highest priorities? Your community? A charity or cause you serve? Your pets? How can they help you say “Yes” to the things you do not want to do and “No” to the things you do (that are not beneficial)?
I will give credit to fitness and a workout routine for improving my self-discipline. It helped to have my husband, trainer, and friends hold me accountable for making it to the gym, but once I started to see and feel results, it was easy to take over and continue the mental and physical benefits. Making fitness a part of my self-care forces me to schedule and say “No” to activities that are not a higher love. Fitness also, by its very nature, requires us to do things we do not want to do. Getting up early in the morning, doing five more leg presses, or running one more mile? All challenges we could easily say “No” to but we don’t. We push through and finish the workout, giving us a hit of dopamine and norepinephrine along the way. Self-respect and self-esteem blossom during regular physical activity too.
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 9
