SIGNS OF COUNTER-DEPENDENCE
•Resist or avoid asking for help
•Prefer to do things yourself
•Find intimate relationships difficult
•Need to be right all the time
•Expect perfection in yourself and others
•Find it difficult to relax, like to keep busy
•Avoid anything that makes you appear vulnerable
Counter-dependence robs us of the gift of interdependence. Without interdependence, we never know what it is like to love and feel loved. We miss out on the comfort others bring. When we can’t or don’t ask for help, we often don’t receive it. Others never lessen our burdens. Our fear or plain lack of understanding regarding needing others holds us back from the richness and depth of a mutually interdependent life.
As a parent with counter-dependent tendencies, we feed our children the same message our parents fed us. We subconsciously tell them it is not OK to depend on others. It is most acceptable to take care of ourselves. Needing others is for wimps.
To avoid doing that, we need to show our children we are there for them, consistently. We need to show it is all right to rely on others. No one is belittled or judged for expressing a need for help. It is safe to ask for it.
Examples of ways to be there for our children:
•Maintain rituals or routines in the morning and at bedtime. Wake them up gently and have breakfast with them. Tuck them in at night and take a few minutes to listen to their concerns about the day
•Be around to offer assistance with homework. Let them do the work but be there if they do not understand it and need clarification. Quiz them for tests and help edit papers
•Ask them about their ideas and future plans
•Make something together in the garage or in the kitchen
•Eat dinner together every night. Make the dinner table a safe space to share good news and bad
•Give hugs often
There is a small chance helping our children too much or too often causes a problem, but that only happens if we help them when they do not truly need us.
HELPING VERSUS RESCUING
My daughter is the youngest and only girl among my children. There have been many instances throughout the years, that I have felt the need to protect her from her older brothers. My sons are strong guys with sharp intelligence and occasionally sharp tongues.
My daughter is often the easy target and butt of their jokes. Her tender-hearted spirit and eagerness to join her brothers’ team only widen the chasm between them. My penchant to stick up for the underdog flares when I witness any apparent injustices between my sons and her.
In many ways, I am sure this dynamic reminds me of the harsh relationship I had with my sister as a girl. I have a fierce need to protect my daughter from feeling the way I did when my sister and I fought.
After many occasions when I ran interference, my sons made it clear they felt I favored my daughter. No matter what they did or she did, I would side with her.
In the past, because I found it difficult to hear negative remarks and criticism, I developed a knee-jerk reaction to every bit of feedback my sons dished out. To me it sounded like constant put-downs. To their more logical and less emotional minds, it was the truth and even sometimes meant as helpful feedback. In one case, they honestly believed they were saving my daughter from ridicule by telling her the t-shirt she decorated and wore was ugly.
At some point, I stumbled across an article describing the problem with rescuing people. In essence, if we perpetually rescue someone, we are telling him or her we have no faith in their abilities to take care of themselves. It is a vote of no confidence.
With my daughter, I stood back and observed the next few times my sons interacted with her. I saw her respond on her own and I saw her react and look for me to step in. I decided to stop jumping in and speaking for her every time her brothers teased her. I am mindful of the psychological damage of repeated verbal assaults and would not let that happen, of course. But instead of rescuing her, I helped her gather tools to prevent her from feeling like a victim. I gave her funny, albeit corny phrases like, “Buzz off” or “Go jump in a lake” to use when they were being pests. The boys made fun of the phrases, but at least a shift in focus occurred and changed the direction of the conversations. I told her she could always leave the room. She does not have to stand and take it. She can turn away and walk out. I also suggested using humor to earn their admiration. I know how hard it is to throw out funny one-liners when your feelings are hurt (as an introvert, it’s hard to throw out one-liners off-the-cuff, period), but if she can do it, the mood in the room will definitely change for the better. Giving her tools instead of a bailout gave her power.
KNOWING WHEN TO FOSTER INTERDEPENDENCE
How can we tell if our children really need us or if it is a good opportunity to let them work through something on their own? The best way to help your child is to stay in tune with him or her. Attachment theory (which we will discuss in Practice Five), says healthy parent/child relationships require an emotional connection with our child. We must pay attention to the child and make sure we are sensitive to his needs and meet them as quickly as possible. For example, expecting a six-year-old to take care of and entertain himself after school is unreasonable. An emotionally in tune parent would know their child needs parental supervision and a chance to talk about their day. They would be there at the end of the day with their child or make arrangements for someone else to care for him or her.
Parents are not perfect. We will fail to help our children occasionally, but if we sincerely try to be there, our children will
feel it. As they grow up, they will know it is acceptable to reach
out to others when needed. They will have skills for independence and the ability to ask for assistance when needed.
As a personal coach, I have had to learn how to help clients come to their own solutions through a process called motivational interviewing. In motivational interviewing, active and reflective listening are employed. I listen to my client tell their story and then rephrase their words as I repeat them back to them. I may include an emotion I sensed in their words and ask if that is indeed what they are feeling. I repeat what seem to be the options or points causing them distress. I let them hear the conflicting options and pause to ponder the best choice. I let them sit in their ambivalence and take care not to offer answers. This is harder than it sounds. Offering solutions or suggestions is just another form of rescuing. If they come to their own conclusions, the action steps needed to resolve the issues are more likely to be carried out. The client feels empowered.
Instead of making my daughter or my clients dependent on me or codependent on me, I create an interdependent relationship with them. They have a healthy dependency on me but also the skills to take care of themselves. The parent/child relationship is largely dependent in that the child has to rely on the adult to take care of her, but as the child matures it is natural for them to develop independence and the ability to ask for help. If they have been able to comfortably depend on their parent then they will hopefully feel at ease being interdependent within future relationships.
WE HAVE TO LOVE OURSELVES FIRST?
We’ve all heard variations of the saying that we have to love ourselves before we can love another. We at least need to like ourselves and we can’t like ourselves if we don’t know and respect ourselves. We know ourselves by finding our element, spending time reflecting and paying attention as we said in Practice One. We respect ourselves by exhibiting self-mastery and self-discipline, as mentioned in Practice Three. Stephen Covey says self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
Why is this? Inevitably, tough times descend upon a relationship. If we do not have the inner-security, self-awareness, proactivity, and self-discipline
of a truly independent person, we may regress to comforting addictions, finger pointing, or simply giving up and leaving the relationship. Our personal integrity gives us the grit, the values to prioritize, and the strong character to stick through the rough spots. If we only have relational skills that help us gain power over others or achieve material rewards, i.e. résumé virtues, we will not know how to dig deep and access our eulogy virtues. Eulogy virtues are created and uncovered as we experience independence and important relationships. Knowing and liking ourselves gives us the stability to create effective relationships.
A client of mine learned the value of independent maturity when about six months into a new relationship she received a work assignment that would take her out-of-state 50% of each week for months. She knew her absence could have a dramatic negative effect on the relationship. The time away would be lonely and take a lot of her energy. If she was not careful, she and her boyfriend could drift apart. She could get so worn out that all she wanted to do when she came home was lie on the couch and watch television. Through self-awareness and self-discipline, she prioritized her health and relationship. She made effective choices that created an intentional schedule. While away and at home, she made plans to work out most mornings. She watched her diet while traveling. It was easy to slip into giant heavy meals at restaurants while on the road but she knew all that excessive eating would only further deplete her energy and add to her midsection. She and her boyfriend spoke on the phone often when she was gone. When home, she spent as much time as possible with him, while still maintaining her home, getting good rest and occasionally meeting with friends. This client was not an introvert, so the energy and socializing were possibly easier to manage but she still had to be aware of her priorities, be dependable, and be proactive and intentional for the relationship to thrive during her absences.
WE FIND LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS?
Couple therapist Bruce Muzik and Dr. Stan Tatkin disagree with the notion we have to love ourselves first. Dr. Tatkin brings up the argument about babies not loving themselves first. They receive love from their parents and learn to love others through this experience. Tatkin also states in Wired for Love that chances are if you believe in yourself or “love” yourself it is because someone loved you in the past. The nurturing in past relationships shapes who you are today. A big part of our loving ability is based on how we were loved, and not on how much we love ourselves.
Subsequent chapters will help us decide for ourselves, which comes first: self-love or love.
SYNERGY
The relationship partners have with each other serves as a catalyst to growth and productivity and as a unifying element. Relationships and their synergy create possibilities that were not there. The synergy and interdependence found in mature relationships bring creative cooperation. One plus one can equal eight or eight thousand. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
How to achieve synergy? It requires an appreciation for differences, openness to new possibilities, personal security, and a fair amount of vulnerability and courage.
If we have not experienced a lot of synergy or magic of collaboration in our lives, we tend to remain defensive and closed to it. We fear being too vulnerable and subsequently walked over. A nurturing space to grow, make mistakes, sample different methods and admit weaknesses, fosters synergy. Within such a space, we safely learn independence and eventually interdependence.
I mentioned earlier an intuitive writing class I took at a local literary center. The instructor, Roxanne, made it abundantly clear the classroom was a safe place to write and share. There would be no harsh red-pen critiquing or any critical judging of content. We could choose whether or not to read our writing out loud or keep it private. One of the first writers to read her work out loud was an older woman who bravely read of the incarceration of her oldest son. She wrote of the shame but also of the enduring love she felt for him. Her vulnerable words made it easy to empathize with her and her son. After her reading, the floodgates opened. Everyone read his or her work out loud, despite the option to keep silent. The camaraderie and trust level in the room skyrocketed. Suddenly, the classroom and its inhabitants had so much to say. Ideas and memories abounded. The air seemed to crackle with creativity, hope, and joy. Even if the stories were sad, the connection and unity compensated for the sorrow. Individual authenticity caused a tidal wave of relatedness and understanding. It was moving and inspiring to be a part of something so meaningful.
A combination of high trust, openness to new possibilities, and an interest in understanding versus dominating, provides the perfect environment for a synergistic relationship, one where the sum of the parts is greater than the whole. In this setting, the relationship or how each person relates to the other is its own entity and can lead to incredible creative collaboration.
One important point to make is that agreeing all the time or practicing conformity within relationships does not equal unity or oneness. It actually stifles it. Differences are meant to enhance and enrich relationships. To keep each other restrained in our feelings and creativity only serves to devolve our output and collaboration. If we are maturely independent and have self-respect, self-discipline, and self-awareness, then we can handle the risk of disapproval that comes with vulnerability. In effect, we have to have wholeness within ourselves in order to have wholeness in a relationship. It is necessary to dip into the valley of humility to quiet our ego and listen to what others have to contribute that might complement our strengths or weaknesses. We must be able to rely on ourselves and reach out to our partners as well. Independence and interdependence.
CHALLENGES OF GETTING BEYOND INDEPENDENCE AND INTO INTERDEPENDENCE
Our culture loves the independent spirit and the independent person. We value the ability to take care of ourselves. There is a ubiquitous message that permeates society saying, “Don’t be needy.”
Action steps for sidestepping the independence ideal:
1.Increase your time within nurturing relationships. Nurturing relationships offer love, care and help. They make it safe to depend on others. Mature people understand the ebb and flow of independence and dependency. Search for these people in places that make you feel at ease and alive.
2.Decrease time with people who denigrate you for asking for assistance. If you are secure and mature enough, strive to move them out of their isolation and defensiveness into connection and understanding by showing a willingness to appreciate differences, new possibilities and vulnerability.
3.Take note of all the research pointing to healthier and happier people with robust and loving social lives.
4.Read Wired for Dating or Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tatkin to learn about the benefits of a healthy, dependent couple bubble.
Another challenge is loving ourselves first before we can love another.
Action steps for loving yourself so you can give to another person:
1.Know yourself. Practice paying attention, spending time in solitude and with significant others who mirror your good and bad traits. Figure out your values and let them guide you and keep you focused.
2.Like yourself. Gain self-respect by proactively applying self-discipline. Hold yourself responsible by starting a new fitness program or a new job. Start small, wash dishes every day.
3.Become whole. Intentionally work on skills or preferences that challenge you. If you are intensely logical, for example, try following your gut or your heart next time a decision must be made.
4.It is possible to be in a loving relationship while you learn self-discipline and self-respect, but the difficult times in the relationship will be extra challenging due to your budding independence and lack of self-mastery. Seek a partner who desires a committed, growth-fostering relationship. They will make your concerns their concerns and offer support and relief when they see you are stressed.
One other challenge of moving past independenc
e is counteracting a strong counter-dependent reaction.
Action steps for counteracting counter-dependence:
1.Recall whether your parents instilled a strong need to be self-reliant. Did you fend for yourself as a child? Was either of your primary caregivers absent often? Awareness is a start to healing.
2.In small increments, increase the level of intimacy and dependency you feel for a significant other. Instead of running to the store yourself for an ingredient you need for dinner, take your spouse up on their offer to pick it up on their way home. Send a few more texts and maintain eye contact a little longer than you find comfortable.
3.Take note if others say you are aloof and unemotional. Notice the behavior that preceded the remark. Do it less.
Practice Five: Learning from Conflict Principles of Growth and Healing
“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory,
but progress.”—Joseph Joubert
There was a lot of conflict between my sister and me growing up. We knew each other’s Achilles heels and we used them. We had different temperaments and everyone pointed that out. She was the brash, confident, cute one. I was the quiet, feminine, sweet one. Our differences, instead of being appreciated, became points of competition—a constant subversive question of which temperament was better. Who was the victor? Despite being the older sister, I often felt like the lesser in my parents’ eyes and even in my own eyes.
My sister and I fought over everything from the front seat of the car to time in the bathroom. We did not create a safe loving place for each other. There was no progress or resolution or collaboration. I was happy to be out of the house with my friends or tucked up in my room away from the conflict.
Science has proven we choose mates who are familiar or even familial in nature. They remind us of past relationships. I want to emphasize that familiar does not necessarily mean positive. We’ve all heard stories of people who choose addicted or abusive mates who are just like their parents.
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 12
