Knowing our attachment style gives us an edge when starting or maintaining a relationship. The first step to a mature, secure relationship is knowing who we are, knowing what we bring to the table. For true interdependence, we strive to be authentic within a relationship. We know and honor ourselves while knowing and honoring our partner and the relationship.
Whether each person is securely or insecurely attached is not the most important factor, what matters most is the willingness of both partners to work toward and sustain a secure functioning relationship.
SECURE ATTACHMENT IN ADULTHOOD
The secure foundation provided in childhood, where their physical and emotional needs were sensitively met, allows these children to grow up to be adults who form satisfying relationships. Their lives make sense to them. They understand that hardships they’ve experienced (childhood trauma, failures, relationship disasters, disease, or any kind of emotional pain) are parts of a larger, more comprehensive and positive life story. They tend to be empathic, concerned, and patient with family and other people. They’re good listeners. They make friends more easily and can take on professional challenges better than insecurely attached adults. They’re more likely to appreciate and cherish their children for who they are, rather than who they want them to be. They seem happy most of the time.
In a love relationship, they work together well and see their partner as a safe space, and their partner feels the same about them. They make their partner’s concerns their concerns. They know two is better than one.
Securely attached adults are affectionate, emotionally and physically engaging, and not afraid to be themselves. They strive to be sensitive to their partner. When in disagreement, they work to come up with a win/win solution. They are not afraid of engulfment or abandonment. They are collaborators. They are resilient with a stability that stems from their ability to depend on others. This resilience and stability gives them the courage to move toward self-improvement. They have a willingness to learn and grow.
Here is a personal example to show the difference between a secure partner and an insecure one. I went on dates with two different men to the same restaurant. On date number one with a man I had dated for over a year, we were seated near the bar. It was quite noisy there. I wanted to enjoy an intimate meal with my boyfriend and I worried the bar noise would interfere with my focus. As I’ve mentioned, I have a highly sensitive nervous system. When I voiced my thoughts about the loudness of the bar and possibly moving tables, my boyfriend got agitated. Between gritted teeth he asked, “What do you want to do Brenda?” I could tell he was annoyed, so I decided to not make waves and live with the background noise.
On date number two with someone I had been seeing for eight months, we were seated by the window where two heat vents blasted extremely warm air right on us. I said something about it being very warm at our table. I wondered out loud about switching tables. Date number two agreed it was warm and said, “Should we see if we can move tables or get the wait staff to turn off the vents?” The waiter was more than happy to shut off the vents. We had a lovely intimate dinner.
The second date knew how to make my concerns his concerns. He worked with me to come to a solution we both liked. He did not make me feel small.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT IN ADULTHOOD
The lack of attentiveness and availability from their caregiver as children causes avoidantly attached types to learn self-reliance. They essentially take on the role of parenting themselves. They value their independence and like to do their own problem-solving. They do not want to burden anyone with their needs because in their mind, they most likely won’t be met anyway, so why risk rejection or disappointment?
They often come off as focused on themselves and may overly attend to their creature comforts.
They have strengths such as the ability to focus on tasks, which helps them excel at their jobs. They tend to be logical and detail oriented. They do not pay attention or address emotions, theirs or others’, as much as other attachment styles. Performance and appearance are important to them. They care a lot about what others think. They spend a lot of time on internal processes, so they can be deep thinkers. They do not like personal conflict and so are ready to compromise or negotiate.
Close relationships tend to be more stressful for the avoidantly attached person. People with an avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often defensive and have the ability to shut down emotionally.
When they were young they learned to comfort themselves, and self-regulate. They became good at entertaining themselves. As adults, it can be a relief to get away from others, particularly when they are stressed. Sound familiar introverts? They find it easier to regulate their own nervous system. A clingy partner is especially threatening to an avoidant person. The “needy” partner represents a part of themselves they are ashamed of and they threaten an avoidant individual’s self-regulating alone time.
They may exhibit distancing behavior such as withdrawing, criticizing, working all the time, flirting with others, and telling their partner they are too needy to avoid getting too close to someone.
Despite appearing to desire independence, the avoidant individual still wants connection and affection. They want to get past their fear of rejection or unavailability from their partner (like their caregiver in childhood) and work toward a secure relationship.
AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT IN ADULTHOOD
An ambivalently attached adult’s biggest fear is being abandoned, punished, or rejected. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, their actions push their partner away.
Ambivalent partners focus on meaning, relationships and emotions. They tend to be sensitive and often are involved in the arts or counseling fields. They talk in a non-linear fashion, which can drive the more logical, and rational person crazy. Ambivalent adults like to connect through touch and talk. They relax and are happiest with others. They tend to be more expressive verbally and physically. When under stress they move toward others versus away (as the insecure avoidant person does). They did not learn how to regulate their own emotions so rely on others to help them and give them cues how to do it. For these reasons, they can be seen as clingy.
They are affectionate and can be generous, caring and giving, sometimes at the sacrifice of their own needs. Trouble arises when they do not feel the same in return. Resentment surfaces and old wounds from childhood reopen. They may exhibit anger and even withdraw like the avoidantly attached, although the ambivalent person often subconsciously does it in the hope that a partner will seek them out or chase them. The insecure ambivalent person ultimately desperately wants love and companionship.
To picture an ambivalently attached person in action, imagine a young couple on a date at a restaurant. Susie asks her date, Vanessa, what she was like as a teenager. Vanessa compliments Susie on her great question and then rattles on for five minutes about everything from her hairstyle as a teen to her relationship with her mom. Then at the end of her reply she apologizes for oversharing. She really likes Susie and wants the relationship to work but now worries she might have been too talkative. She reaches out to take Susie’s hand. Susie, who is a secure partner, takes Vanessa’s hand in hers, looks her in the eyes and reassures her she loved hearing more about her childhood. Vanessa, who has an ambivalent attachment style, relaxes and hopes Susie asks her out again.
AVOIDANTS, AMBIVALENTS, INTROVERTS, AND EXTROVERTS
Do insecurely avoidant and insecurely ambivalent types sound a bit like introverts and extroverts respectively? The insecurely avoidant type definitely exhibits behavior similar to sensitive introverts, with their need to self-regulate and distance themselves from others.
I began to question whether we are products of our families of
origin or of our innate temperament. Perhaps like the interactionist theory proposed regarding attachment styles, we are a combination of both.
ATTACHMENT STYLES SURFACE DURING THE REALITY PHASE
Once we perceive a relationship to have permanence, we project old attachment injuries/memories onto our partner. The nature of intimate relationships—consistent time together, loving and depending on someone—reminds us of our earliest relationships and creates more opportunity for discord. The need for authenticity struggles to balance with the need for companionship. Each attachment style has a different way of dealing with conflict within a relationship.
CONFLICT AND RELIEF FOR THE SECURELY ATTACHED
Just because someone has a secure attachment style does not mean his or her relationships are conflict-free. All relationships have disagreements. As I said earlier, every couple goes through the Reality stage. This is when authenticity arises and contrasts with our partner’s understandably different perspective. Using the maturity definition, we found from Stephen Covey, we must have courage and consideration to resolve conflict. Securely attached individuals have an easier time with this. They are mature enough to courageously express themselves honestly and considerate enough to care how their message impacts their partner.
Given their secure childhood foundation, they trust that their partner has good intentions and do not let dissonance ruffle them. They look for mutually positive ways to work through conflict with their partner. They know themselves and have enough self-respect and resilience to weather obstacles in the relationship. That said, if a partner does not have enough of the same commitment and willingness to work toward win/win solutions and growth, a secure person may move on to someone who does. They expect to be treated well. They intend to treat their significant other well. If they make a mistake they repair it quickly. They do not regularly distance or cling. They bring stability to relationships.
CONFLICT AND RELIEF FOR THE INSECURELY AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT TYPE
Because avoidant types learned to self-regulate, self-soothe, and self-stimulate in childhood, close relationships tend to be more difficult for them. They quite often find themselves with ambivalent partners, possibly because the initial rush of warmth and affection from the ambivalent person is so pleasing and reassuring. Also, it could be the familiarity of an insecure attachment that attracts them. As mentioned earlier, familiar and familial traits attract us. Either way, the avoidant’s self-care can upset and cause conflict with a partner who expects and desires engagement (which both securely attached and ambivalently attached people desire). Especially when under stress, an avoidant type tends to withdraw from their people in order to find relief. This is distancing behavior and may look like the following: less eye contact, focusing on technology, spending a lot of time alone, or talking about themselves without listening. There are many ways distancing behavior exhibits itself. These are just a few examples. Threats to autonomy are scary for someone with an insecure avoidant attachment style. Depending on someone else leaves him or her vulnerable.
The avoidant type fears rejection, unavailability, and pain. Their primary caregiver was not there for them or was not there in a positive way. Distancing protects them. They subconsciously reject before being rejected.
How to resolve conflict with an avoidantly attached partner?
To move toward a secure relationship a partner needs to understand the shame the avoidant type feels about dependency. He or she was not allowed such dependency as a child. They learned self-reliance and independence were more valuable and expected than care and dependency.
The insecurely avoidant partner appreciates praise, reassurance and constructive feedback. A loving partner must not take distancing behavior personally and remain patient and steadfastly by his or her side. A secure partner can raise an insecure partner’s security status. This is not to say a secure person should accept poor treatment or neglect from a partner. If there is no willingness from the avoidantly attached partner to move toward their partner, then the relationship will not last. If a secure partner consistently demonstrates acceptance, understanding, and openness and grants an avoidant partner space, and the avoidant type does not gradually move toward closeness with them, it may be wise to seek a more available partner.
CONFLICT RELIEF FOR THE INSECURELY AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT TYPE
The relationship-focused and giving nature of the ambivalent type means they truly want to be with another person. Unfortunately, sometimes their deep desire for engagement and emotional connection makes them seem high maintenance and clingy to their partner, particularly an avoidant type. This causes friction.
An ambivalent type’s lack of ability to manage themselves, makes it difficult to form interdependent relationships. There is too much dependency on the other person’s emotions, needs, interactions and approval. When the ambivalent person believes, their significant other is not coming through for them, they react unproductively. They may withdraw or create distance as the avoidant person does, but it is often just a tactic to get the other person to feel bad and check on them. They may also drive their partner crazy with constant pleas for attention such as countless texts throughout the day, all with a subtext of “Do you love me?” Ambivalents like to take the temperature of the relationship all the time, constantly looking for perceived threats. They want proof they are wanted and cared for, like the proof they work to provide for their partner. Proof helps their fear of abandonment subside, for a while. Ironically, if they feel slighted or that the relationship is threatened, they may express anger, push their lover away, hurt their lover’s feelings, get emotional, and leave their partner confused and feeling abandoned.
To avoid such an outcome the ambivalently attached person needs to learn how to manage their emotions and communicate earnestly and directly. They need to learn how to get their message across without putting their partner on the defensive. Ambivalents are known for giving hints and beating around the bush when it comes to getting what they really want. Taking charge of their words, emotions and actions goes a long way toward creating an interdependent relationship.
Their partner can help them become more self-reliant by reassuring them often that they are loved and cared for. This can be done verbally or preferably by responding consistently with affirming actions. For example, if you make a plan to meet on Saturday at 6:00 p.m., then show up on time and hold his or her hand throughout the night. This will relieve the ambivalently attached person’s nervous system. Ambivalent types love calming and affectionate gestures. They allow them to relax and stop taking the temperature of the relationship.
WE HAVE TRAITS OF DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES
We all have tendencies from each of the attachment styles. We may be avoidant in some situations and more ambivalent in others, and at still other times we may exhibit secure behavior. Just like introversion and extroversion, we are somewhere on the spectrum of each attachment style. Usually, one is slightly more dominant. We are not purely one type.
Spending time in secure relationships with therapists, friends, family, and lovers can also help us move from a dominantly insecure attachment style to a secure one.
I have tendencies from all three attachment styles. The close relationships I have had, gave me experience in all three types. As a child, there was an avoidant (me) and ambivalent (sister) dynamic between my sister and me. I withdrew from her in order to self-soothe and get away from her constant criticism. She would pursue me, always hoping for a companion, but then “punishing” me with harsh words when I did play with her. My father had avoidant tendencies and my mother was ambivalent. I had a grandmother, who visited every couple of months, who provided security.
As an adult, the relationship with my dad became more secure. In my marriage, I ended up showing avoidant traits to my husband’s secure/avoidant style. Over the years and after more relationship experience, I have moved toward more secure traits mixed with amb
ivalence and avoidance. For example, I suffer feelings of abandonment (ambivalent) when my partner is not available regularly or changes plans at the last minute to be with friends rather than me, but also find myself asking for time to work or just be by myself often enough to seem avoidant. I expect fair and just treatment from my partner and strive to provide attentive responsiveness to him while respecting my authenticity, which demonstrates my more secure side.
Knowledge and understanding of each type helps me guide my coaching clients to clarity and growth in their relationships.
An important point I want to emphasize is that our close relationships (including ones with therapists or coaches) can heal us from the old wounds created in childhood or in previous adult relationships. Our close people will not only be the ones triggering our attachment styles, they will be the ones helping us work through them. Again, it takes a willingness to grow and work toward a secure relationship to invoke healing and maturity. A partner, who challenges us but also reassures and supports us, transforms our relationship and us.
OWNING OUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE CONFLICT
To move forward in our career, relationships and personal development, we have to learn how to resolve conflict and own our contribution to it.
“It is only through a vast amount of experience and a lengthy and successful maturation process that we gain the capacity to see the world and our place in it realistically, and thus are enabled to realistically assess our responsibility for ourselves and the world.” —Dr. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
AUTHENTICITY INVITES CONFRONTATION
To be truly authentic, I’ve found I have to learn how to express my feelings and ideas. I have to outwardly share my inner world. This sometimes causes discord with others. They don’t have the same priorities or values. They feel hurt, annoyed or frustrated by my words and ways.
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 14
