HOW TO SOOTHE OUR PARTNER
The first thing to do is notice when our loved one exhibits a high negative state of arousal (there are positive states such as excitement). Become familiar with the behavior or perceived threats that make our partner’s nervous system sound the alarms. Are there experiences from her past that make her uneasy? Does questioning his judgment set your lover off?
If we see our partner begin to struggle—talk in a clipped manner, breathe faster, sweat, fidget, get tongue-tied—move in quickly to help. According to Dr. Tatkin, we perceive threats very quickly and automatic reactions transpire just as fast.
Two ways to soothe our loved one are nonverbal calming and verbal reassurance. Examples of nonverbal calming are reaching out and taking your partner’s hand, rubbing their shoulders or giving them a wink across the table when a discussion gets heated. Different people respond better or worse to different methods. A verbal reassurance could be as simple as starting a discussion with “I love you and I want to work this out,” or verbally expressing gratitude for something we love about our relationship. It makes sense that the partner who feels most secure at the time sets aside his or her issues and cares for the other.
If we learn how to recognize and regulate our partner’s nervous system and do it consistently, we build trust. The future holds fewer and fewer instances of survival mode and knee-jerk reactions.
NURTURING
One way to soothe our partner’s nervous system is through nurturing. According to psychotherapist Dr. Webb, nurturance is a combination of love, care, and help. Children and adults kept away from love, care, and help for too long build walls and have a hard time giving and receiving nurturing affection.
In our current climate of merit-based love and success, it is easy for children and adults to feel they are not truly heard or appreciated for who they are, but for their performances and achievements. Physical nurturing (transportation, academic tutoring, food preparation, directing) outweighs emotional nurturing (love, care, help, listening to understand). As competition and conditional love proliferate, the void where warmth and a safe harbor could exist continues to grow.
ONE THING MEN WANT MORE THAN SEX
In his article “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex”, Jed Diamond, PhD writes that a safe harbor where men can feel nurtured is more appealing than the sexual act itself. Always wanting sex is seen as a manly trait and supposedly sorts the alpha males from the beta males—at least in a competitive, performance-based environment. But that competition is a cold business, and according to Diamond, most men want warmth and a safe harbor. They want to be nurtured. Diamond says they want the care most of them did not get enough of in childhood. They do not want to compete for their female partner. They want to rest and relax in her love and acceptance. They don’t want to have to perform or prove themselves.
It takes courage and vulnerability for a man to ask for such care in a sexual experience. They fear rejection. They fear being seen as unmanly or childlike. The truth is some women do have a hard time accepting a man who is not acting like a traditional male. We women have our conditioning too. A man who acts like a little boy in our arms may turn us off. We may fear the retaliation anger or irritability that may come later when our man feels ashamed of his vulnerability and tries to reclaim his “manhood”. Or maybe, just maybe, we have enough empathy and understanding to honor our man’s vulnerability with nurturing love. Maybe we have the strength and maturity to let the vulnerability transform into deep intimacy.
Unfortunately, Dr. Diamond’s article only spoke in reference to heterosexual relationships, but marriage and family therapist, Dr. Kathleen Ritter writes in her article, “Therapeutic Issues for Same Sex Couples,” that same sex couples share many commonalities with heterosexual couples. They struggle with developmental stage differences as when one partner begins to grow personally and the other sees this as abandonment. As with heterosexual couples, differences in desire for independence and intimacy also arise. It should be noted though that the need for a safe harbor and closeness may be amplified in a same sex relationship if their external support system—family, religion, coworkers—alienate them because of their sexual preferences.
EMPATHY
Roots of Empathy (school-based parenting centers focused on working with teen parents) founder Mary Gordon believes successful people develop empathy from receiving empathy or witnessing empathy. The essence of empathy is to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and feel what it’s like there. Empathy also involves making something better for someone if “standing in their shoes” is a painful experience. In short, we try to see and feel the world from someone else’s perspective. Sympathy is different. To sympathize means to stay in our own perspective but still feel for another, possibly even enough to help them. With empathy, we feel sorry with someone, with sympathy we feel sorry for him or her. Empathy requires experience and is a lifelong learning process based on relational interactions.
THE OXYTOCIN CONNECTION
Oxytocin is released when a mother nurtures a baby or when anyone works to form a kind and trusting connection. It creates feelings of calm and closeness. Oxytocin’s chemistry is essential to empathy. Oxytocin increases empathy but feelings of empathy also increase the release of oxytocin!
As mentioned in Practice Two, oxytocin enhances our feelings about close relationships based on our relationships with our parents. If our relationship with our parents was difficult, we will have a tendency to react negatively to close relationships. This can be improved by rebuilding positive neural circuits through warm social contact and increasing oxytocin production.
Various forms of touching: massages, long hugs, orgasms, handshakes, and petting animals all enhance oxytocin production. Trusting, being trusted, and feeling safe emotionally with another person also releases oxytocin. Eye gazing also boosts the calming hormone.
EMPATHIC LISTENING
According to Stephen Covey, next to physical survival, the biggest human need is psychological survival—to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated. Covey said one way to achieve that level of psychological affirmation and appreciation is through empathic listening. He described empathic listening as listening to get inside another person’s frame of reference and really understand how they feel. Empathic listening uses our ears, eyes, hearts, intuition, and senses. We listen for feeling and meaning. We listen to make our partner feel heard and calm their nervous system.
Often when we communicate with others we seek first to be understood. We make judgments right away about the other person’s contribution and when we respond we color our responses with our own autobiography. Empathic listening seeks to avoid all of that.
Empathic listening does not include:
Probing
Making judgments
Advising
Interpreting or diagnosing
Empathic listening does include:
Repeating what our partner says
Rephrasing what our partner says
Relaying our understanding of the feelings our partner conveyed
Below is an example of an empathic conversation:
Husband: I had the worst day at work. I did not get one break and my boss was on a rampage.
Wife: You didn’t get a break today and your boss was on a rampage?
Husband: Yes, it was non-stop all day and I felt pressured by Mr. Rockefeller.
Wife: So, you were working hard all day with Mr. Rockefeller breathing down your neck.
Husband: Yeah, my brain is mush. I can’t wait to sit down and relax.
Wife: You’re exhausted?
Husband: Definitely. I dread going back tomorrow.
Wife: Sounds like you had an awful, draining day at work and you’re not looking forward to tomorrow.
There is a difference between active listening and empathic listening. Active listening has the intent to use the informa
tion gathered to get the speaker to reach a conclusion. We listen and reflect but we plan to use the information to make a judgment or give advice in a roundabout way, by asking questions until the speaker comes to a solution. Active listening is often used in therapeutic settings.
Writer and creator of website comfortableconversation.com, Bennett Garner, says introverts can escape “small talk purgatory” by asking a question about something the other person said that we found intriguing. Then ask a follow-up question to that question to take the conversation deeper. Then deliver a sentence that starts with, “That must have been…” and finish it with a feeling like exciting, disappointing, wonderful, etc. This shows we were listening to the person’s story and are attempting to understand how they felt. The back and forth engagement should make us both feel more at ease.
Listening with the intent to understand makes a conversation transformational versus merely transactional. At the end of the conversation, the other person feels heard and is apt to share more in the future because listening to understand and gain clarity builds trust and empathy (which aids in the release of oxytocin—woohoo!).
LISTENING DEEPLY MAKES US VULNERABLE
Listening so openly leaves us vulnerable to other’s influence. For some people, this feels like giving up control, and it scares them. In studies done regarding empathy, it was discovered that over empathizing could backfire as well. For example, one study found the most empathetic nurses were likely to avoid dying patients early in their nursing training. They eventually learned to deal with the stress of empathizing with terminal patients, but initially it caused avoidance.
Potential negative influence and over empathizing are why we need a solid foundation of self-awareness, self-respect, and self-discipline. With such a foundation, we are less likely to be swayed in a negative direction. We maintain our authenticity within a relationship—interdependence.
RESPONSIVENESS
In Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential—and Endangered, Maia Szalavitz (co-author of The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, a book based on work with maltreated children) and Dr. Bruce Perry (senior fellow of the Child Trauma Academy and co-author with Ms. Szalavitz on The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog) note that from the start of life, we require others to help us cope with stress. Our brains require social experience to develop properly: we influence each other’s ability to manage stress in real measurable ways. The connections are part of the architecture of our nervous systems.
As we saw in the section on attachment theory in Practice Five, the interactions with our primary caregiver as a child affect our relational abilities later in life. Those early interactions affect our ability to empathize and emote. Normal parent/child relationships provide small, manageable doses of stress in a pattern that creates resilience. The parent allows the low-level distress, such as stepping out of sight for a few minutes, but then reliably returns so the child gains confidence in her mother’s return and her own ability to be alone. Consistency and responsiveness are required to regulate stress and train our brains to trust and use healthy relationships to soothe us.
One area I’ve put extra effort into improving is my level of responsiveness. In everything from replying to text messages to helping with household tasks, I’ve tried to not put others off. I realize it is not a good idea to give away all of our personal energy, therefore it has been a learning curve trying to find the proper balance between other and self-nurturing.
I find myself offering to help my kids with homework versus just telling them to do it. I try not to complain too much when they need an overnight bag dropped off at ten o’clock at night for a last-minute sleepover, but I also make it known that the respectful thing would have been to let me know earlier in the evening. I stop working when my kids get home from school and meet them in the kitchen for end-of-day connection. My aim is to deliver emotional presence with actual help.
RESPONSIVENESS A FORM OF SELF-DISCIPLINE?
I strive to be helpful to my friends and partner when they are in need. I don’t ask them if they need help. They will most likely say no. I offer specific help and then follow through. I learned to do this from my former mother-in-law and an old boyfriend. They were excellent at jumping in and helping others. Their superb self-discipline did not allow them to hesitate. I still hesitate sometimes, but not as often.
It seems strange to think of being responsive to relationships as a form of self-discipline but it is a narrowing of focus (renouncing other opportunities based on what I value most) and a commitment. I consider consistent responding a meaningful practice I want to maintain.
I take note when my partner seems stressed and I offer a hug, loving touch, or warm smile. I work to create emotional connection, pay attention and respond competently, which are Dr. John Bowlby’s most important emotional skills for parents based on years of attachment studies. A lot of the adult maturation process seems to be about re-parenting our partners and ourselves.
Being there consistently for a partner builds trust, strong positive chemical and physiological reactions in our bodies, and feelings of comfort and satisfaction.
STRONG PEOPLE TAKE CARE OF THINGS
Yet, it is hard and at times disappointing to expect the same level of responsiveness in return. Over the years, starting when I was a child, I learned not to burden others with my needs or feelings. Other people are busy with their own to-do lists. Strong people don’t need comforting. Strong people take care of things on their own.
PERMISSION TO LET SOMEONE HELP US
In Love and War in Intimate Relationships, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Marion Solomon stress the importance of interactive regulation. Interactive regulation is the process where at least two individuals co-manage and balance nervous system arousal in real-time.
Often as adults we put out fires for our coworkers, resolve problems for our children, care for our aging parents, make sure our house is in order, etc. We put our partner and/or ourselves at the bottom of the care list.
WHEN WE CAN’T ASK FOR HELP
Responses learned in childhood (due to a caregiver’s lack of attentiveness) and efforts to spare our partner added grief, often cause us to self-soothe or auto-regulate. If there is no spouse or partner, auto-regulation is even more likely.
When I don’t have a partner to comfort me and make me feel secure, auto-regulation becomes my norm. I calm my nervous system by giving myself space and time away from the demands of others. When I don’t have this time away, I get overwhelmed and dysregulated.
WHEN WE RECEIVE HELP
There have been periods in my life when a partner and I interactively regulated each other (although we had no idea we were doing that). We quieted each other’s anxieties. We were a team. Those were times of wonderful inner and outer peace. For example, when hosting dinners at my house, I often get a little keyed up about making sure everything goes as planned. I’ve had partners who have calmed me by offering lots of reassurance and assistance. This put the guests at ease too.
Interactive regulation and attunement (a feeling of being on the same page, in alignment) produce a sense of safety and security as well as attraction.
REGULATING THE REGULATOR
My ex-husband and I had a difficult time regulating each other while disciplining our children. I would often struggle to get our kids to pick up their toys. If I happened to be having an especially hard time and resorted to yelling while my husband was home, he would come charging into the room, yell and discipline the kids with punishments (usually taking something beloved away). I assume my loud voice felt like a distress signal or he could not stand hearing the chaos and had a compulsion to settle things. Either way, it was disempowering to me and did not change the behavior of the children. The next day a similar situation would occur.
A more positive interactive regulation would have been my husband calmly entering the room, kissing me on the head and asking if there is any
thing he could do to help. Those gestures would have soothed our children and me as well. Kids feel secure when their parents act calmly as a team. Dr. Tatkin calls this kind of interaction “regulating the regulator.” It puts our partner and our relationship first. It makes our partner feel secure and cared for.
HEALING OLD WOUNDS
Interactive regulation involves learning each other’s old wounds and working to heal them. It requires closeness and keen observation of facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. It requires deep listening with intent to understand the type of comforting our partner needs. It requires appreciation, respect, and admission of vulnerability.
One of my old wounds is not feeling I can count on the support of a loved one. Any sign someone is not consistently reliable with his or her words and actions, puts my nervous system on alert.
The holidays are a time when I feel that wound. I feel alone in my preparations for them and sometimes even in the celebrations. My extended family lives far away. The interdependence of a partnership has been rare in the past. It’s not my children’s place to provide emotional support.
My friends fill in as family and support, which I greatly appreciate. They respond to my calls. Help me put up Christmas lights. Check on me via texts and phone calls. The inclusion of a church community has also eased my dis-ease. Knowing there is somewhere I am consistently embraced and included gives me energy to support others.
I am extremely grateful for the good people in my life who interactively regulate with me. I look forward to getting better at caring for others while being cared for.
MASTERING LOVE
In a quote from The Atlantic article “Masters of Love”, expert in marital enhancement Dr. John Gottman mentioned two requirements for a master (versus disaster) relationship:
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