Succumbing to too many obligations can cause an imbalance in our well-being. When we say “Yes” too often and neglect our introverted need for quiet and reflection, we put ourselves on the path toward anxiety and fatigue. Our energy flags and we are not well-resourced. We don’t honor our inner world. We simply get by. We put one foot in front of the other and keep everyone else happy.
This may sound like some people’s version of what we are supposed to do. We are supposed to take care of others at the expense of ourselves. And sometimes, we have no choice, but when the outer world wins over the inner world for too long, everyone suffers.
We need a balance between our inner and outer world. We need a balance between our temperament and our personality.
TEMPERAMENT OR PERSONALITY?
“Natural inclinations are assisted and reinforced by education, but they are hardly ever altered or overcome.” —Michel De Montaigne
Psychologists say there is a difference between temperament and personality. Temperament is a series of behavioral and emotional traits we possess at birth. Personality evolves after cultural influence and experiences are added to temperament. It’s the classic description of nature versus nurture.
I turned to the work of developmental psychologist Jerome Kagan to find out more about the nature aspect of introversion and high sensitivity. Kagan did a long-term study on children starting when they were four months old and ending in their adolescents. Kagan and his staff hypothesized they could predict which babies would be introverts and which would be extroverts.
In 1989, when the babies were four months old, Kagan and his fellow scientists exposed them to many different stimuli, ranging from recorded voices to popping balloons to alcohol on Q-tips. The babies’ reactions were then recorded. Some babies (20%) reacted immediately and gregariously. They waved their arms and legs and cried loudly. Others (40%) remained calm and only moved their arms and legs occasionally. The remaining 40% fell in between the high-reactors (flailing limbs and crying) and the low-reactors (steady nature, minimal reaction).
Kagan predicted the highly reactive babies would become the introverted adolescents and the lower reacting babies would be the extroverts.
Flash forward eleven years. Many of the kids dubbed high-reactors were indeed more careful and serious eleven year olds. The low reactive babies were more laid back and confident.
OUR NERVOUS SYSTEMS ARE DIFFERENT
When the babies participated in the initial experiment and subsequent check-ins at age two, four, seven, and eleven, the scientists did more than just observe the children’s reactions to novel stimuli. They also monitored their heart rate, blood pressure, finger temperature and other elements of their nervous systems. They measured those properties because they are indicators of responses from the amygdala in the brain. If you remember our previous discussion about the amygdala and the primitive brain, you might recall it takes in information from our senses and then tells the nervous system and rest of the brain how to react. If necessary, it sets the fight-or-flight response in motion. It is the first alert to danger.
Children with highly reactive amygdala will do what they can to minimize its reaction in the emotional controlling limbic system (part of the brain where the amygdala resides). They vigilantly search for environmental threats so they can head them off before they occur. They carefully decide whether to join new groups or explore new places, and if they do, they enter each new situation slowly. Hence, they exhibit what is traditionally thought of as introverted behavior.
Other studies based on identical twins conclude that temperament is on average about 40-50% heritable, meaning our introverted or extroverted nature is partially due to our genetics. How much genetics are responsible varies because the 40-50% heritability is an average.
Kagan even went so far as to say he saw a correlation between blue eyes, allergies, hay fever and high reactivity (ultimately introverted behavior). This correlation is not 100% accepted by other scientists, but Kagan saw a correlation.
My mother always said I was a colicky baby. I cried a lot. I was fussy. I bet I startled easily (I still do). I never liked summer camp and to this day, I enter a pool or lake very slowly. Cannonballing was never my style. I also have blue eyes and hay fever—just to add to evidence of my predisposition toward sensitivity. So, my genetic makeup is partially responsible for my introverted nature.
THE INFLUENCE OF NURTURE
As we saw in Practice Five: Opening to Conflict, our early relationships affect our way of relating within future relationships. Attachment styles develop when we’re young but adjust and adapt based on the level of security we experience in our adult relationships. To decipher the genesis of our attachment style we can ask ourselves the following questions:
•Are we open to collaboration and mutuality in a romantic relationship because our primary caregiver as a child was attentive and in tune with our needs? If so, we most likely started out with a secure base and attachment style.
•Or are we averse to dependency on another and at home in autonomy because our parent was not available for us in a positive way? If so, we most likely started out with an insecure base or avoidant attachment style.
•Or lastly, are we ambivalent about intimacy—desiring it deeply one day and pushing it away the next—because our early childhood caregiver was inconsistent in their support and attentiveness? If so, we most likely started out with an insecure base or ambivalent attachment style.
It is important to mention that our primary caregivers are not solely responsible for our relationship security or lack thereof. Other adults may serve as mentors when it comes to forming relationship styles. Our parents may have been remiss in their caregiving, but a kind teacher or uncle may have stepped in to show us how a sensitive and considerate relationship looks.
Future partners can positively or negatively influence our reactions and behavior within relationships as well. Depending on their attachment style, they may help us evolve into more secure partners or more insecure ones. Our attachment style is fluid based on all of the relationships that shape us.
The rest of my behaviors and traits can most likely be attributed to the nurturing I received (or didn’t receive) and the environments I encountered over my lifetime. Those traits could be called my personality.
As a child, I learned to figure out my own worries. I didn’t always have or take opportunities to have my parents help with them and I certainly did not want to give my sister ammunition for teasing me. Also as a child, I learned from my father how to be curious about the world and meet new people and explore new places. When it came to emotional issues, I discerned it was safer and/or better to control them or work on them myself, but physical engagement with the outer world was encouraged.
I took this ability to emotionally self-soothe learned in childhood with me into my intimate relationships as an adult. It helped me get by when my husband was not emotionally available, but eventually my withdrawal to self-regulate caused stress on our relationship. We both needed the comfort of each other and did not have it.
My penchant for exploring had me out in the world doing new things and meeting new people, making myself happy without my husband. When I returned home, the gloom set in again.
NOURISHING THE SENSITIVE INNER REALM
To keep us on an even keel we need to nourish both our inner realm and our outer realm. We need to make sure we do not neglect one or the other, thus creating an imbalance. Our day-to-day existence may not be evenly balanced between our internal thoughts and feelings and our external relationships and environments, but over the long run, we strive to feed both.
As introverts and/or highly sensitive people, our inner worlds are our safe kingdoms. When we are mentally healthy they provide shelter, peace, and creative space. When we are struggling mentally, they can be scary places of rumination. To keep our minds healthy and minimize anxiety
we need the following:
1.Learning and reading. Insight and understanding revitalize me. Which is why, like many introverted and introspective people, I love reading. Reading is really a search for resonance, knowledge or ideas. Reading feeds our curiosity, as do places and people. In a way, we create relationships with books, places and people. We create lasting ties through memories, deep experiencing and connection. It is OK to let it all affect us because it provides peak understanding and perspective.
Understanding and perspective light us up. They give our lives meaning and perpetually affect us. The openness to truly understand another’s viewpoint leaves us vulnerable at times. We can be influenced. But the same openness often leads to the ability to influence others. Not in a domineering way but in a two-way, win/win way.
2.Emotions. As mentioned in “Practice Two: Calming Our Nervous System”, emotions are vital to our health and decision-making. If suppressed for too long, they cause damage to our cardiovascular, digestive, and immune systems. If we try to deny our emotions because somewhere along the line we perceived they make us weak, we miss out on the valuable feedback of emotions. The numbness we feel without them is a lead-in to depression. If labeled and expressed wisely, they can bring calm to our minds and bodies. Emotions tell us when we are in danger. They tell us when to run, fight and what is worth fighting for. According to David Brooks in The Social Animal: Hidden Sources of Love, Character and Achievement, emotions coat every decision factor, giving weight to each option and helping us make choices. If our inner realm is flooded with dark or unexpressed emotions, we struggle to make progress. If we pay attention, value and express our emotions in healthy ways then we feel competent and less stifled.
3.Solitude. Time alone relieves us of our duties to others. It lets us think and work without interruption. We can concentrate and do creative work. It allows our imagination to make its creative associations. For those who gain energy by going inside thoughts, solitude is a necessity. It is where we breathe big gulps of restorative air. It is where the flow state slips in. Ironically, it is often where we reflect on our loved ones and develop a longing for their company.
4.Low stimulation and slowing down. Our nervous systems crave gentleness. We have to escape from the rushed anxiety that is most of our days. We are often pulled through life by scheduled events, beeping alarms and the needs of others. Removing ourselves to a library, nature, our own office, or a quiet café gives us the opportunity to come back to ourselves. It lets our mind make patterns out of our thoughts. A distraction free environment like this fosters concentration and pushes our cognitive capacities to their limits, thus making us more productive, adding value to our work and making our contributions harder to replicate (i.e. have a low-experienced person or machine do it) according to Cal Newport in his book, Deep Work.
A slower pace also serves as a catalyst for creation. Idleness is the perfect priming of the flow and artistic pumps. Another way to calm our minds and catalyze creativity is to immerse ourselves in vastness. Studies show placing ourselves near things that make us feel small, like the ocean, a starry sky, or an open field, gives us a calming sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves. Our brains can’t quite process the complexity and magnitude of such things and therefore we experience a sense of awe that enlarges our perspective.
5.Sleep. Sleep is the lowest level of stimulation. Even though our brains are quite active during sleep, especially during the REM stage, sleep remains a huge contributor to rejuvenation both physically and mentally. Although, as mentioned earlier, sleep after traumatic events is problematic in that it consolidates and ingrains the stressful memory. As was said in “Practice Two: Calming Our Nervous System”, poor sleep worsens our mood, lowers our pain threshold, and interferes with learning and memory. It deters our focus and makes us more impulsive. Lack of good sleep also affects us physically. It can increase blood pressure, elevate stress levels, and harm the immune system. It can even lead to an increased risk of drug or alcohol addiction. Introverts, with our highly reactive nervous systems, need sleep to soothe our nerves and deeply process all the stimulation we collect throughout the day. Studies have shown that introverted brains put more information into long-term memory, thus taking longer to both place and retrieve. If we do not honor our sleep needs, we have a greater risk of falling into depression, something sensitive folks are already at higher risk of developing if in stressful environments.
NOURISHING THE SOCIAL EXTERNAL REALM
We need an external expression of what goes on in our internal world to feel whole. Relationships provide that arena. Within relationships there are key elements which fuel security. They are:
1.Responsiveness and good intentions. Dr. John Gottman’s two requirements for a master relationship from “Practice Six: Calming Each Other’s Nervous Systems”, are responsiveness and assumption of good intentions.
Responsive partners scan the environment and their partner for things to be grateful for and appreciated. They turn toward and respond to their lover’s bids for attention. For example, if a woman tells her husband she’s had a stressful day at work, he attempts to soothe her by acknowledging her tired state and offering to make dinner and have a quiet night at home. Responsive partners are not perfect but they are reassuring and consistent at least 80% of the time.
In a secure relationship, the partners assume they have each other’s backs. They know not to take their partner’s anger, mistakes or unkind words personally. Whatever happened was a temporary slip up and not an attempt to hurt or frustrate them. For example, if a wife is short with the kids and her husband at the dinner table one night, the husband knows she is not purposely trying to aggravate or hurt them. He thinks about it and remembers she did not sleep well last night and had a clash with her boss that day. He strokes her arm and kisses her on the forehead and asks if he can help her somehow—thus demonstrating responsiveness. She sighs, relaxes and apologizes for her bad mood.
2.Understanding attachment styles. As mentioned above in reference to nurturing, attachment styles give us our baseline method of relating. Knowing and understanding our own attachment style and those of our important people, goes a long way toward creating harmony. For example, one divorced client with an avoidant attachment style, spent nine days without seeing his children because his ex-wife took them on vacation out of the country. Initially, upon hearing of his ex-wife’s plan to take the kids on vacation, he was not bothered and figured he would get extra work done in their absences. But a few days prior to their departure his kids kept telling him how much they were going to miss him while they were gone. Knowing his avoidant attachment style, and its reliance on independence and autonomy as protection from rejection, he let his kids’ words sink in and allowed himself to miss them too. His children’s words pointed out his true feelings, feelings he often stuffed down to avoid being hurt. He noticed the emptiness he felt when the kids were gone. Luckily, he had a responsive partner who kept him busy while his children were out of the country. All of the awareness led to more secure functioning within his parenting and intimate relationships.
3.Understanding the special needs of an introvert or sensitive person. Dr. Jay Belsky, a professor and expert on child care, says that high-reactive kids (the ones in Kagan’s experiments who reacted the strongest to novel stimulation) who enjoy good parenting, child care, and a stable home life tend to have fewer emotional problems and more social skills than their lower-reactive counterparts. According to Belsky, the ideal parent for a highly reactive child is: someone who can read their cues and respect their individuality; is warm and firm in placing demands on them without being harsh; promotes their curiosity, academic achievement, delayed gratification, and self-control; and is not harsh, neglectful or inconsistent. Some of those same parenting characteristics could apply to the interactions between romantic partners. Someone who both challenges and supports their loved one in a
kind, sensitive way encourages the partner and the relationship to flourish.
4.Participating in all kinds of relationships. Children challenge us to understand different personalities and exercise patience. They teach us about secure love and its importance. Compassionate people in a spiritual community or circle of friends feed our soul. They offer support. They remind us of our true selves. Relationships with colleagues, teachers and mentors show us how to collaborate and how to learn from others on similar missions. Intimate relationships are a mix of support, challenge, and joy. They’re an opportunity for emotional safety and physical intimacy, which enhances happiness. Because of their constancy and closeness, they resurrect dynamics from familial relationships. These reminders, if used wisely, can serve as opportunities to heal old wounds through reassurance and behavior counter to our past experiences.
CROSSOVER: WHERE INNER AND OUTER COLLIDE AND SYNERGIZE
“When an introvert cares about someone, she also wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person’s life, but to keep up with what’s inside: the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings.”—Dr. Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength
There are a few situations where our inner and outer worlds meld. Where they meet up and transform us. I’ve listed several below.
•Healing through relationships. As has been mentioned several times, relationships can be the crucible for healing. Because of their closeness and constancy, they trigger many of our old fears created by previous relationships, including those with our parents. The outer-world existence of our relationship triggers the inner manifestation of our fears, but the beautiful thing is the same dynamics can help us work through the old fears and wounds. Our partners or friends can provide the understanding and reassurance we did not receive previously. They can elevate our level of security by not doing what hurt us in the first place
The Quiet Rise of Introverts Page 21
