by K'wan
“You did great today, Jonas. Thank you,” Alex told him once they were done serving the residents and cleaning up.
“It’s all good, Lex,” he winked. “But seriously, I’m kind of glad that I came. It was fun.”
“No greater joy than service,” Alex replied.
“I could think of a few things.” Jonas smiled at her.
Alex shook her head. “I see you’re still the same horny-ass little boy from when we were little.”
“You must have me confused with Ace.”
“It wasn’t Ace who was always trying to look up my skirt in school when we would be walking up the stairs.”
“Damn. I didn’t know you peeped that.” Jonas flashed embarrassment.
“I peeped everything. That’s why I stopped wearing shorts under my skirts,” Alex revealed.
“I see I ain’t the only one who was a little on the nasty side,” he teased her. “So, what’s up? You think we can go do something after this?”
Alex thought about it. “I guess you have earned a little bit of my time. But I can’t stay out long. My parents are expecting me home for dinner.”
The mention of dinner made Jonas remember the promise he had made his mother. “That’s fine.”
“But before we get, I have someone I want you to meet.”
“Another one of your coworkers?” Jonas asked, hoping not. The entire morning, he had been fielding questions from Alex’s coworkers about his background and his relationship to Alex. He wasn’t looking forward to another round.
“No,” she said and walked off. Jonas waited a moment before following.
They found themselves at the end of the community room where a television was set up. Some of the residents were sitting around it watching a game show. They all took a moment to greet Alex. Jonas could tell she was well liked at the facility by both the staff and residents. A man in a wheelchair sat in the corner, facing the window. His back was to Jonas so he couldn’t see his face. Alex knelt beside him and said a few soft words before waving Jonas over. Now that Jonas was up close, he could get a better look. The man was shriveled, with bony limbs and dark skin. His face was sunken to the point where he looked emaciated. There was a machine latched on to the side of his wheelchair with a tube that ran to his neck. It was to help him breathe. His hair was a matted black Afro, but you could see a long surgical scar beneath that stretched the length of his skull. He was in far worse shape than any of the other residents.
“Jonas, I would like you to meet Stanley. He’s one of our residents here.” Alex introduced him.
“Hi.” Jonas extended his hand, but Stanley didn’t move to shake it. He just stared at Jonas with vacant eyes.
“Stanley has lost the use of 75 percent of his motor functions. He can’t do much for himself these days without the help of a caretaker,” Alex said sadly.
“I’m sorry.” Jonas felt for the man. He couldn’t imagine what he would do if he were in such a state. It couldn’t have been much of a life. “What happened to him?”
“A couple of years ago, Stanley was attacked. His attacker beat him so badly that he suffered permanent brain damage and has been reduced to what you see here.”
“Damn, that’s fucked up. Who would do some shit like that?” Jonas wondered.
“I think we both know the answer to that,” Alex said in an accusatory tone.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jonas was clueless.
“His name is Stanley, but when he was in the streets, they called him Black,” Alex revealed.
Jonas moved in for a closer look. He was slightly older and had lost a lot of weight, but it was indeed Black! “What is this shit? You trying to be funny?”
“No, I assure you that there is nothing funny about stealing away a man’s life,” Alex said seriously. “I wanted you to see firsthand how your actions can affect the lives of others. Black was a young man who could’ve gone on to be anything he wanted if he had only been allowed the chance to change. But you stole that from him, Jonas. You’ve left a mother without a son and children without their father.”
“Black had kids?” this came as a shock to Jonas.
“A boy and a girl,” she informed him. “Their grandmother brings them to see him from time to time. I was hoping they would come today so you guys could have met.”
“For what? I ain’t got shit to say to them, and they ain’t got shit to say to me. Look, if you’re trying to get me to feel sorry for him, I can’t, Alex. Too much has happened . . . too much has been taken. If it hadn’t been for Black, maybe Doug would still be alive.”
“Doug was still alive after you did what you did to Black. It was the aftermath that caused my brother’s death,” Alex reminded him. “It wasn’t easy, but I’ve managed to forgive Black, as well as whoever else, was responsible for my brother’s murder. I’m not asking you to forgive him, Jonas. I know that’s not in your nature, but I know that what you did that night is something that you’ve been carrying around for a long time. It’s time to set that burden down.”
“Alex—”
“I’m not putting any pressure on you, Jonas. I was only making a suggestion. Whether you make peace with the man you put in this chair is your decision. One thing I can tell you, though, is that you don’t want to go through the rest of your life with regrets about things that you could’ve made right but chose not to.”
“Alex, can you help me for a second?” Mrs. Windle called over.
“Be right there,” Alex replied. “I’ll be back in a few. Hopefully, when I walk out of here, it’ll be with Jonas and not Wrath,” she said and excused herself.
Jonas stood there for a long while looking down at Black. Back in the days, he had been a terrorizing character, but now, he was just a withered old soul who was waiting to die. It was almost sad when he thought about it.
“Anybody home?” Jonas waved his hand in front of Black’s face. His eyes followed, but other than that, he was nonresponsive. “You know, you were the last person I expected to run into today. In fact, I never thought I’d see you again. I sometimes wondered what happened to you that night, whether you ever pulled through or bit the dust. To be honest with you, I’m not sure I even cared.”
Jonas paused as if he were waiting for Black to say something. He was still silent, accusatory eyes staring up at Jonas.
“I don’t think you’ll ever understand the affect that night had on my life. Everything changed after what I did to you. Whether it was for better or worse, I still don’t know, but shit is definitely different now,” Jonas said. “Alex was right, you know? We shouldn’t go through life with regrets, and I’ve got more than my fair share. Do you know what I regret the most, though, Black? I regret hitting you in the head with that bat. I should’ve taken Ace’s gun and blew your stinking brains out. I should’ve left you dead in that motel room and then went and tracked the rest of your crew down and put them in the ground too. That was a mistake on my part, but don’t worry. I’ll be making it right real soon when I pay a visit to your friend Flair.”
There was a flicker of movement in Black’s eyes.
“Oh, since you ain’t a player in the game you must not have heard. Your boy Flair called himself avenging you and killed Doug,” he filled him in. “Snuffed that boy’s life like he wasn’t shit, but I intend to return the favor. Killing your boy ain’t good enough, though. I’m going to wipe him and anybody else who was loyal to you off the board. I’m going erase any memory of you or crew ever having existed. Wanna know the best part? Nobody is going to miss y’all. You were nothing when you were on the streets, Black, and you’re less than nothing now. Who knows? Maybe when I’m done with Flair, I’ll come back here and finish what I started with you. Just something to think on while they’re changing your diapers this evening. Until we meet again, my friend.” He patted Black’s cheek way harder than he needed to.
When Jonas rejoined Alex, he was smiling from ear to ear.
“I take it everything wen
t well with Black?” she asked.
“Yes, and I wanted to thank you and tell you that you’re right. I feel a lot better now that I’ve gotten it off my chest.”
* * *
Jonas and Alex didn’t go to a restaurant on their first real date or even a movie. They went for a walk and got reacquainted. Their journey took them to Central Park, where they took the winding paths and enjoyed the scenery.
Alex mostly talked, while Jonas listened. She told him about her life as it had been down south and school. She had completed high school by the time she was 16 because she had skipped a grade. She always was a whiz academically. She was currently in her third year at Spellman. She went on and on about all the amazing things she had going on in her life, but Jonas had very little to offer to the conversation. He didn’t think she would be interested in hearing about how many men he had killed or the fact that he had burned Juan’s store down so that he could take it over.
“Am I talking too much?” Alex asked when she noticed Jonas had gone silent. “I’m sorry. I know sometimes I can get to rambling.”
“No, it’s cool. I like hearing you talk,” he said.
“That isn’t what you used to tell me. It seemed like every time I opened my mouth to say something, either you or my brother were telling me to shut up.”
“That’s because you had a smart-ass mouth. You were vicious with your shit.” Jonas recalled some of Alex’s antics.
“That was only because I was trying to impress you.”
“Me?” Jonas was surprised.
“Yes, you. I used to see how you and Ace would always be chasing around after the trump-mouthed hood rats, and I thought that’s what you were into. I tried to dumb myself down to get you to notice me.”
“You didn’t have to do all that, Alex. I always noticed you.” Jonas took her hand as they were strolling. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“How come you never just came out and told me that you liked me?”
Alex thought about the question. “I dunno. I guess I was just afraid of you shooting me down. It’s like I said, I saw the kinds of girls who got attention from you and Ace, and I didn’t fit the mold.”
“Fit the mold? Alex, you were the mold.”
“Stop gassing me, Jonas.” Alex blushed.
“I’m serious, Alex. I know we were young and didn’t know shit, but from the first time we played together on the school yard, I didn’t want to spend a minute not being around. I used to pray that the weekends would hurry up and pass so that Monday could come and I would see you in school again. Sounds dumb, right?”
“Not at all. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you a lot,” Alex admitted.
“Then why did you leave me?” he asked. It was an unexpected question, one that he wasn’t even sure why he asked.
“I didn’t want to,” Alex answered after a time. “After Doug was killed, things in my family changed. There was a lot of strain, not just in my relationship with my parents, but with me too. I started acting out and doing things that I normally wouldn’t have, like getting into fights and talking back. I was angry at the world and probably on my way to ruin, just like Doug. My parents decided that I needed a fresh start, so they sent me away. I didn’t want to go; in fact, I stopped speaking to them for a while. It wasn’t until I got a little older that I began to realize that they had done it for my own good, and I’m thankful for it. They made sure I at least had a shot at becoming something.”
“And you didn’t disappoint,” he said.
“Yeah, I’m grateful for everything that I’ve accomplished, but there is still so much more that I need to do. I’ve got big dreams. Do you dream, Jonas?”
He wasn’t quite sure how to answer the question. “Like at night?”
“No. I mean, like, do you dream about where you see yourself in life in say five years?” she clarified.
“I used to. These days, I just take life as it comes from one day to the next. If you don’t get your hopes up, then you don’t have far to fall when people let you down,” he said honestly.
Alex gave him a pitiful look. The light that she used to see whenever she looked into his eyes had begun to dim. It was still there, but faint. “I’m sorry, Jonas. Sorry for whatever you’ve gone through in life that has made you this way.”
“What way?”
“Hopeless.” It may not have been the right word to use, but it conveyed what she felt when she looked at him. He was a hopeless soul.
“So, what’s next for you?” Jonas changed the subject. “I guess at the end of the summer you’ll be going back to school?”
“Yes, one more year of this, and then I’m over it. On to bigger and better things.
“You dropping out?”
“No, not dropping out. I’m graduating. Then I’m off to study abroad as a part of an exchange program.”
“Abroad?” Jonas didn’t understand the word.
“It means overseas. I’ll be studying in London.”
This made Jonas laugh.
“What’s so funny?” she asked defensively.
“I’m not laughing at you; I’m laughing at the irony of the universe,” Jonas said. He was thinking about the deal Prince was putting together. If he hadn’t been sure about going through with it before, he was now. All he needed was the money to invest, and, hopefully, it would come soon.
“Speaking of irony . . .” Alex motioned behind Jonas. When he turned, he realized that they were at the lake he had nearly drowned in years before.
“Damn, I haven’t been here since that day.” Jonas walked to the edge of the water and stared into it. His reflection stared back at him. Then he was joined by Alex.
“What did you see? You know, when you drowned,” she asked. It was the first time anyone had ever posed the question to him.
“I don’t know,” he said honestly.
“I’m glad you didn’t drown.”
“Me too. I’d hate to have died before doing the things that I should’ve.”
“Like what?”
“This.” Jonas took Alex in his arms and kissed her. It wasn’t like when he kissed Jewels. This was deep, passionate, and full of love.
“What brought that on?” Alex asked surprised.
“It’s like you said, can’t live life with regrets, right?”
“Right,” she agreed. “So, what now?”
“We do what we should’ve done back then and be together.”
“Jonas,” she began, “I care about you; I really do, but our lives are going in two different directions. I can’t afford to allow anything into my space that isn’t positive. I’ve got too much to lose.”
“Alex, I can read between the lines. You don’t want to fuck with me because I’m a dope boy, right?”
“It isn’t just that, Jonas. You live a very dangerous lifestyle. I can’t allow myself to fall for you, knowing that every time you walk out the door, there’s a good chance that you won’t be coming back. I can’t carry that around with me, and I won’t.”
“And you won’t have to. Listen, I’ve got some things in the works that I can’t talk about, but if all goes according to plan, I’ll be able to take a backseat and let Ace and Mula run the operation.”
“Jonas, we both know there’s no such thing as one foot in and one foot out. I owe it to myself to expect more out of the man I choose to be with, and you should expect more out of life than what you’re settling for. What? You gonna sell crack with Ace until you stack enough bread to get out of the life? That’s not a realistic expectation. Me even pretending I’d entertain it is not being real with you, and you’re someone I always have and always will keep it one hundred with, because I care. This has been nice, but things could never really work between us because we’re not on the same page as far as what we want out of life.”
“But, Alex—”
“Don’t ruin it with words or promises you can’t keep. God willing, tomorrow and whatever it holds w
ill be there, but for now,” she slipped her hands around his, “let’s just live in the moment.”
Chapter Thirty-one
Jonas and Alex shared a taxi back uptown. He dropped her off at her building, with a promise to see her again the following day; then he continued back to his block. It was still early, so he had time before he had to be home for dinner. He had quite a bit to think about until then.
It was just as Anette had warned, Alex had gotten into Jonas’s head and now had him all over the place. This time, though, it wasn’t a case of him being love struck. It was more like determined. What she had said about him having one foot in and one foot out had been true. Jonas knew that the only way to break free of the game was to get out of the game, but how? And did he even really want to? He had been Wrath for so long that sometimes Jonas got lost in the mix, but Alex had brought it out of him. Even though they had only spent a few hours together, in that time, he was able to be Jonas and not Wrath. He had almost forgotten how good it felt to do the simple things, like enjoy a walk in the park.
He and Jewels did things, like catch the occasional movie or go out to eat, but the majority of the time they spent together either involved fucking, getting high, or scheming. Sometimes, all three. It was nice, but it wasn’t the same.
Then there was his crew. He, Ace, and Mula had come up together. They had shed both blood and tears. What would they do if he pulled away? Ace was perfectly capable of running the crew, but it was Jonas’s connection to the detective that gave them their real power. He had no illusions about whether Ceaver would deal with Ace directly. He didn’t half like him, so there was no way he was going to trust him. If Jonas stepped off, then, their veil of protection would be lifted, and where would that leave his boys? There had to be an angle he could play that would allow him to have his cake and eat it too.
Jonas hopped out of the taxi in front of his building. No sooner than his foot hit the curb did he find himself overcome with an eerie feeling. A quick sweep of the block revealed the source of his uneasiness. A man was sitting on a car out in front of his building. He wore his hair cut low, but his beard long and shaggy. He was dressed in a fatigue army suit and black combat boots. When he saw Jonas approaching, he stood at attention.
