One thing Jack left out was any sort of description of our parents and what our childhood was actually like. As much as our families are alike socially, Jack and I have very different parents. Jack will never tell you what his parents are like. I think he hates to think that he is not a totally unique person. It fits in better with his myth if you believe that he just came into being with his personality already intact. The fact of the matter is that he is a lot like his parents while trying to be a little bit like my father, which I have never really understood.
My father and Jack have a very odd relationship. They both act like they hate each other, but I think they really secretly admire the other. Jack should have been the son my father never had. If my father hates Jack, it is because of this. He knows how good Jack is. He is the kind of kid my dad wishes he would have had instead of me. And I think Jack wishes his dad had been a little bit more like my father. It's not that he didn't love his dad. He just thinks he would have been more manly if he had had my father instead of his. It is out of this jealousy that they seem to hate each other. Instead of telling the other that they actually admire the other, they play this stupid game of acting like they both know what is better for me. Jack at least has good intentions when he does this, but even then it's still annoying. It’s actually one of the few things Jack does that annoys me. I mean, I know that I come off as a slightly irresponsible girl who acts without thinking, but that doesn’t mean that I want my boyfriend, who always thinks before acting, to try to get me to be any other way. Even if I have to admit that the majority of the time when Jack tells me not to do something because I’ll regret it then I do end up regretting it, that doesn’t mean I want him to be a positive influence in my life. It’s just kind of more fun to misbehave around Jack. Sometimes I get him to go along with my crazy ideas just because he doesn’t want to see something bad happen to me. Other times, I don’t end up doing what I thought I wanted to do because he won’t follow. It makes our relationship exciting. Really I think we need each other.
Anyway, back to my father and Jack’s relationship. The sad part is that I can never tell Jack that I think my father really likes him. My father is just trying to give Jack a hard time because he wants to push him away from me. I don't think my father can look at me without seeing my mother. He doesn't think I could ever be good for any man. I think my father thinks it looks better if he insults Jack than to say outright that I will never mean anything but misery to any man. It just looks better for the public image my father is trying to keep up. I mean, parents can't really say that their daughter is a stupid bitch of a whore. I may be a bitch, but I'm not stupid. I've played my father for a lot of money over the years. Jack's parents gave him the best because they loved him. My father gave me the best because I demanded it as his “little princess.” And if my all-knowing father is going to be such an asshole, his “little princess” is going to take him for everything he’s got.
Don't think I'm awful. In a way, I'm glad that my father is like he is. He taught me a very important lesson. Men are stupid and can be easily manipulated by something that they consider beneath them. For as many women as my father has f#cked, I think he really hates women. I don’t know why they keep coming back to him. He treats them like sh#t. I don’t think they’ve even gotten that much money out of them. It’s actually really sad that some girls will whore themselves out for so little. I don’t want to say that I am smarter than these other women, but I’m at least going to use a man for my own personal gain. I was with Jack one time when he made a comment about me. He said, “You know, you're an amazing woman. Whenever a man holds you in contempt, you grab him by the balls and suck him dry. By the time he finally gets wise to you, he's already lost everything.” I hated him for saying it at the time, but I think it was more because he had that stupid smile on his face.
I can never tell if Jack is joking or not when he has that smile on his face. Part of me thinks that I actually amuse him at these moments. And part of me is really pissed off because I know that he sees through everything I do and isn't afraid to call me on it. He's the only person who has ever done that. I think my father sees through my act, but he's kind of stuck with me for life. Wow. Not only is my father really stupid, but he's also a coward. I've never thought of that before.
I don't know why Jack admires my father. I think it might be because my father gives off the impression that he is everything a man is supposed to be. Jack has always felt inadequate as a man because he doesn't understand sports, tools, and other typical guy things. Plus, he has always been small. Truth be told, he weighs less than I do. He's a very unhealthy weight of about 112 pounds. And it's not that he's anorexic or anything. The boy just can't gain weight or bulk up. I think it really comes from him being a troubled birth. He's healthy and never been a sickly child, but he has never bulked up like most boys do.
I know this bothers him. I probably shouldn't have dated guys who were super muscular. I mean, they were hot and all, but I only really did it because I knew that it hurt Jack. I thought that if I hurt him enough that he would admit to liking me and we could be a couple. I also kind of dated them because I could. I don’t care who you are. If you can date a really hot guy, you will. Even if you really love somebody else, you will still go with the really hot guy just because you are not actually in a relationship with the guy that you really love. Even if you know it might make it harder to get with the guy that you really like, the hot guy seems like a good choice at the time. I’ve never exactly figured out why. So, Jack, I guess I went out with some of the hot guys at school just because we weren’t dating, so that meant that I wasn’t cheating, even though I did always love you.
The truth is that I have always thought that Jack was cute. He has qualities that other guys don't have. I know he may not be the most handsome or muscular guy, but he is so much sexier in so many other ways. And if I am being totally honest, since Jack is not going to be reading this (for a while), I don't think I could ever be happy with some super-hot guy. They have all been very shallow. They seem to expect you to just love them for their muscles or pretty faces. These guys are nothing but eye candy. And I have used them as such over the years. I don't think I can explain it properly. It’s just that there are some guys out there that you want to do very bad things to. In fact, I can tell you my favorite body part of every guy that I have ever dated. None of them were ever their dicks. They were usually their ass, abs, pecks, arms, and sometimes smile. And then there’s Jack. I can’t say that any of those body parts are what I especially love on him. He has a nice ass and abs, but it’s different from the other guys that I have dated.
I know my liking Jack is not going to make sense, but maybe I don't want a man that is anything like my father. I can see some of the women that have slept with my father doing it because they thought that he was attractive. My father is just one of those sporty manly types that girls tend to be attracted to. I’ve always just kind of looked at him as a middle aged asshole, but I can look at photos of my parents and see that a girl could possibly find him attractive. It’s just that I’ve never really been attracted to men like my dad because of how my dad is. I've always just been a little bit screwed up by my parents to act the way that I should have acted to be the kind of person that Jack would need ideally as a lover. Although, everything I did that was hurtful to Jack made complete sense at the time that I did it. I can't really pass it off on my dad being an asshole. I think a large part of it had to do with just my personality. It's more fun to blame it on my parents, though. You can believe whichever you want. I would just rather tend to believe that I have acted poorly because of my relationship with my father than because I am a natural born bitch.
Anyway, back to our parents and how me and Jack got to be neighbors. Our fathers met when they were in college. They were roommates and became best friends through that experience. I can't really see them living together or becoming best friends. Jack's father would tell me stories about my dad from that period in t
heir lives. Maybe I shouldn't have heard them, but he knew that I liked them. It made my father human. He made him out to be a much more tragic character than I would have. And as much as I would like to think that my father has some sort of decency to him and could be a tragic character, I still just think that deep down inside he's an asshole. Even Jack's father can't paint a picture good enough for me to see him as anything else.
From the stories I have heard, they were two totally different men, even back then. My father enjoyed sleeping around and doing just enough studying to pass. Jack's father was more interested in studying than girls. I think my father tried to hand off some of his used women onto Jack's father, but he turned them down. I once overheard a story about our fathers from the college days. My dad was drunk at the time. Jack and I were upstairs. Our parents thought we were nowhere near them where we could have heard the story. Anyway, my father is talking about how he used to bring a girl back to the dorm, f#ck her, and then ask Jack’s dad if he wanted to screw her while she was still in the room. Jack’s father always turned down these offers, but I was a little bit surprised that he would tell this story in front of our moms. I mean, I’m not surprised that my father told it in front of my mom, but I was a little surprised he said it in front of Jack’s mom. Jack’s dad just smiled through the story and put his arm around his wife. It was really very sweet.
I think his dad was kind of like how Jack is. He doesn't seem to play the field or want to use somebody just to have the experience. There is something sweet about that. My father will flirt with anything female just because it is there to flirt with. Jack's father and Jack have to feel something for the person. I know that not every pretty thing that passes by makes Jack turn his head. It's not that he doesn't value a pretty girl. He is just more discerning about true beauty. You know, I honestly believe him when he says that I am the most beautiful girl that he has ever seen. I'm not going to tell him that. As soon as a guy knows that you believe him with something like that, they stop trying to convince you otherwise. I like making him pay me compliments when I feel insecure. He is always able to come up with something new to say about me. I'm not going to ruin that.
It’s just that… I think there is a part of Jack that wishes he could be a player like my father. As good and decent as his father was, there is just something cooler to a young man about being more like how my father is. I know that Jack feels inadequate as a lover. A lot of times when we have discussed our relationship, he brings up questions as to whether or not he is pleasuring me in the right way. He wants to make sure that if he’s not that I take the time to tell him and then tell him what he could do better. It’s really very sweet.
You know, it’s very odd what attracts you and why certain people get together. I mean, Jack's father seemed to show very little interest in girls until the day that he met Jack's mom. His mom is like a cross between a hippie and pixie. His father told me the story of how they met. He saw her from across the room at a party one night. He walked up to her not really knowing what he was going to say to her. He stuttered and stammered for a moment before she said, “Well, at least you didn't come over here with some stupid pick up line. What's your name?” They started talking after that.
His father told me that it was because of her that they even got together. He thought she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He didn't know why he approached her that night. There was just something about her that attracted him like a moth to a flame. Instead of killing his spirit that night, she ended up saving him forever.
Jack will never tell you this story. It goes against everything that he believes about himself. I think he honestly wants to believe that he is the first person to have ever been in love and to have loved as great as he loves me. But I know that he learned to love the way he does from his father and the stories he grew up hearing. I think I know these stories better than Jack does. He spent the majority of his childhood trying to write his own story with me as the female lead.
When Jack was writing about his birth, he wasn't kidding about being a virgin birth. I don't think he can deal with the idea that his parents were ever sexual and felt the same things that he feels. It brings up too many issues that Jack's wonderfully brilliant mind would have to think about. And if you look at how he finally ended up describing his birth, you realize that he decided that he was delivered by a stork. Jack has to think about his parents as if they are Barbie dolls. They look like regular people, but they aren't anatomically correct. I am pretty sure that Jack is severely grossed out by the idea of coming out of a part of his mother's body that he enjoys so much on me. That is why he is also hoping that he was never breast fed. To accept anything like this puts his parents as real humans and not as the plastic Barbie versions that he would like to imagine them being.
Jack has a very odd relationship with his parents. He always has. His father always acted more like a teacher than a parent in the sense of how you would expect one to be. Jack would get in trouble as a child and then get to choose his own punishment. They would discuss what he had done wrong, why it was wrong, and why Jack had done it. Sometimes there wasn't even a punishment. It would all depend on the severity of the offense and whether Jack appeared to have learned the lesson.
I'm not really surprised by this in a lot of ways. It was just so totally different than how I grew up. Of course, Jack's father loved him. I don't want to say that he loved him more than he loved his wife, but he loved them both in equally epic amounts. He would have done anything for both of them.
And Jack's relationship with his mother is just as odd, but in a different way. Jack acts more like the grown up in their relationship than his mother does. And it's different than how I act like that with my mother. I mean, my mom was a drunk for a large part of my growing up. I had to take care of her, but my mom still acts like the mother in the relationship. Jack's mother still acts like an overgrown hippie. She would have no problem with me spending the night with Jack in his bedroom. When I asked Jack why he always comes over to my place to spend the night instead of me coming over to his bedroom, he told me it was because he didn't want his mother to make us breakfast in the morning. It's one thing to be doing things you shouldn't be doing, but you don't need to have your mother encouraging and supporting the bad behavior.
I don't know if Jack really feels guilty about spending the night with me. I mean, we have never really done anything. Well... I mean, we haven't had sex. That is the only thing that really counts as bad behavior for people our age. The rest of the stuff nobody thinks about. All they ever talk about is teen sex and get excited about it. I think teens could be giving each other hand jobs and blow jobs, and nobody would seem to care. All they think we think about doing is having sex. But actually there is a lot of stuff that you can do that leads up to having sex without it ever really being counted as sex. Anyway, Jack goes back and forth on whether he feels guilty about the stuff that we have done. I think he has a hard time grappling with what he feels and what he thinks. He is a very intellectual guy. He thinks about a lot of stuff that I just don't think about or even care about.
I have always kind of wondered if it is because of his parents. I mean, I know that his father would talk to him about morality while his mother was more of a free spirit, but this seems like just such a deeper conflict than that. I think he may have listened to his grandmother's version of how his parents got together. According to her, his father had a chance of becoming a great lawyer. He gave it all up to be with his wife. I don't think Jack wants to regret giving up a chance to be famous to be with me. He doesn't want to have the same regrets that his father had.
I'm not supposed to tell him this, but his father didn't regret getting married and having Jack. They were what made his life complete. As much as he enjoyed being a lawyer, it never satisfied his soul in the way that his wife and Jack did. You know, that's why his father never told Jack what his purpose in life was. It has kept Jack with this expectation of greatness, but his father said
that this was one lesson that every man had to learn for himself. He swore me to secrecy and said that Jack would make the right decision.
His father was a very smart man. I miss him because he was the only good and completely decent person I ever met. Jack talked about him being able to see into the future. I don't know about that. I know that he was perceptive. He knew things before you told him. He knew what you were feeling and never judged you for feeling it. He only helped you talk through everything so that you could make sense of it all and make a decision that you didn't feel bad about. Jack’s a lot like that, too.
As for Jack's purpose in life, while his father never told him, he did reveal such things to me. I have had to hold these things inside and never tell Jack. It was something that I promised his father. I can reveal it here because nobody is going to read this, especially Jack, until it will be too late for it to really matter. I guess Mrs. Dunn is going to read this, but she is going to be so shocked by everything else that has already been written in the previous pages that anything I will say here will be overlooked and forgotten.
Life Begins Page 9
