by Flynn Eire
“Didn’t it just happen?”
“Yeah, I came out of the coma not long ago.”
“Bowie, you need to go rest,” he sighed, glancing up at me. “Jesus, you got huge. I mean, my god, you are big now.”
And just like that everything came crashing down on me. I grew too big for him. He didn’t find me attractive now. I bobbed my head and backed away from the door. “Sorry to have bugged you, Sam. I-I won’t come b-back.”
He gave me a funny look. “You didn’t bug me. You need to rest and recover. We’ll talk later.”
“No, I’m good, thanks.” I turned on my heel and hurried off. Right, like I’d want to discuss this. Yeah, that sounded like my version of hell. I would just have to get over him somehow and move past my desires for Sam.
* * * *
I woke from the dream gasping, covered in sweat, and annoyed as usual. Why couldn’t I let him go? It was years ago and still I dreamed of it like it was yesterday. I was a warrior now. Granted, it had gotten worse since this assignment with Sam, but either way, it was time to let it go.
There was more to life than Lasam Gatewood.
Or so I told myself over and over again while I took a long cold shower before meeting everyone else at breakfast. Just as I walked out into the hallway, Zibon grabbed my arm.
“What’s going on?”
“We’re being banished to the back porch,” he snickered. “Evan and Theo are making up.”
“Good for them, but I didn’t grab a sweater and I have wet hair,” I bitched as he shoved me out the door into the snow. “I like my balls on my body instead of froze off thanks.”
“You going to tell me what’s got you so grumpy on our first real assignment?” Mark asked as he yanked off his fleece. “Here, Mr. Fragile.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, taking it from him and slipping it on over my T-shirt. I caught a glance of Sam as he walked out onto the porch, not even noticing I was there. “Nothing. Nerves I guess. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Yeah, we noticed,” Zibon commented, but let it go. We chatted about nothing much while Roarke and Wally were huddled together and Sam talked with Dottie pleasantly. Then we were allowed back inside after whatever fun had been had.
“It smells like sex in here,” Sam bitched, shaking his head. “I need to get laid.” He grabbed a plate and walked into the kitchen.
My head snapped up and my heart fluttered as I raced after him, my feet moving on their own. But when I got there, I didn’t know what to say or do. It wasn’t like I hadn’t offered myself to him before… Or been rejected. Just because he was horny didn’t mean he’d want me now.
Basically I had no idea what I was doing and I was an idiot for even trying. So I did nothing, fixing myself a large mug of coffee as Sam loaded up his plate and plopped down at the counter, frowning.
“I’m tired of sleeping on the floor,” Mark announced as he and Zibon came into the kitchen and handed me an empty plate.
“Um, okay,” I agreed as I set down my mug and took it from him. The three of us had been bunking in one of Theo’s guest rooms. I was just about to offer to take a turn on the floor, but he kept talking.
“So you’re bunking with Sam. Roarke’s orders. There’s more than enough room in the massive king-size bed.”
“Roarke ordered us to sleep in the same bed?” Sam drawled, rolling his eyes.
“No,” Zibon chuckled as he shook his head and scooped eggs onto his plate. My gaze darted between them like a tennis match even as I held my breath. “He said not to dirty up another room of Theo’s when the guy offered because poor Dottie would have to clean up after us and to figure it out. I said I’m not giving up my bed, and since Bowie wasn’t in the room, he lost his bed and got banished to bunking with you.” Then he raised an eyebrow at Sam. “Is there some reason Bowie can’t crash with you?”
“Nope, not on my side,” Sam answered, shooting me a look I couldn’t read. “You’d have to ask him.”
I blinked at him a moment. Why would he say it like that? I shook my head, unable to find my voice.
“So it’s settled,” Mark said brightly.
“So it would seem,” Sam agreed, his tone not sounding happy about it.
Which pissed me off. What the fuck was his problem? It wasn’t my fault I grew so huge and ugly to him. I shook my head, loaded up my plate, and went back into the dining room. My anger and resentment grew throughout the day, for once feeling something besides hurt and rejection when it came to him.
That was how I ended up in such a bold and evil mood when it came time for bed.
I walked into the room, Sam sitting up reading, shirtless, and not looking at me. “You do a perimeter sweep?”
“Yup, Mark and I just finished,” I muttered as I yanked off my sweater, my boots, and jacket by the door. I set it over the chair and took off my socks next.
“You find anything?”
I ground my teeth together. Yeah, that really didn’t help my mood. “Yes, Atlantis. I thought it best to keep it to myself though, but since you asked, I’ll tell you.”
“Oh, this is going to be fun,” he muttered, turning a page sharply enough I heard it tear slightly.
I wanted to ask what the fuck his problem was. Instead I pulled a shit move and undressed… All the way.
“What are you doing?”
“I sleep naked,” I answered and then looked at him over my shoulder, raising an eyebrow. “Is that a problem?” He had a funny look—one I’d seen before though. “It’s a big bed and I know you only like little guys so it shouldn’t matter.” I turned around then and let him see all of me. Even my eleven-inch cock, and it was only eleven inches because it wasn’t fully hard yet. “And there’s nothing on me that’s little anymore.”
“No, there’s not,” Sam whispered, his eyes wide as his chest rose and fell fast. I felt my dick swell the rest of the way. “Why are you doing this to me, Bowie?”
“Doing what to you?” I asked as I walked over to the bed. I threw back the covers on the empty side, having trouble acting so confident when he was staring at me like that.
Plus I’d never just stripped or strutted around naked in front of someone before, and this was Sam.
“Taunting me.”
“Taunting you?” I muttered as I got into bed. He gave out a strangled breath and slammed his book closed.
“Are you just going to repeat what I say? Yeah, that’s not taunting me.” I watched him fling the book onto the floor and lean back against the headboard, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes.
“I don’t know what you mean. I didn’t set it up so I was here tonight.”
“I know that. That’s not what I’m talking about,” he growled. “Stop playing stupid.”
I leaned across him, my body practically draped over his as I reached for the lamp on the nightstand next to him. I pressed my lips to his ear as I flipped the switch. “Fine. Yes, I’m taunting you. I think I more than deserve it after the way you dismissed me because I grew so big after my transition. It wasn’t like it was my fault, and you knew how I felt about you—I still felt about you—if I showed up at your door the second I got out of my coma.”
He flinched against me. “Is that what you think happened?”
“I was there, Sam. I know it did.”
“Then you were high still from the drugs or something,” he muttered.
I moved my hand next to his ribs, no longer wanting to taunt or be angry, but completely aware of every inch of my body pressed up against his. I leaned back and stared into the eyes I dreamed of more often than I wanted to admit. “What happened then?”
“You rejected me,” he seethed, narrowing his eyes at me. “I had been on an assignment, hadn’t slept for days, and this new, exhausted Bowie shows up at my door looking ready to collapse. I tell you that I’ll come find you after you get rest, and you say don’t bother, that you came just because you promised you would.”
“That’s not what happen
ed at all, Sam. I came because the first thing I thought of when I woke up was you. All I wanted was you. You opened the door frowning and complaining how big I’d gotten. It was obvious you didn’t want me anymore.”
His eyes filled with sadness. “That’s not true, Bowie,” he whispered as he moved closer, his lips almost to mine. “I never wanted you more. You were gorgeous. You went from cute to stunning. I was frowning because I couldn’t believe they even let you out of the infirmary. You looked ready to fall over, like your legs could barely support you. Your pupils were blown, you were sweating—you were a mess. I was worried about you.”
“Oh,” I breathed, shaking. I stared into his eyes. “You weren’t rejecting me? You still wanted me?”
“Yes, I wanted you.”
“And now?”
He grabbed the back of my head and yanked me down to him. I melted against him as he fisted my hair, pulling on it. That did something to me, deep inside. I whimpered as I shook against him.
“Fuck, I didn’t blow it up in my mind how responsive you were,” he hissed as he kissed along my chin, his other hand moving up my arm. “You’re still every bit as much as I remember.”
“Uh-huh,” I moaned as he kept kissing, working on this spot on my neck, just below my ear, that turned my brain to mush. His hand traveled from my shoulder, down my chest, lower across my abs, and then I really started to shake.
And gasped because I knew what was coming and it was way too soon.
“Wait, no,” I whispered in horror as he grabbed my cock and stroked me. Then I bit my lip and buried my face against his chest as I came. I couldn’t even enjoy it because it was so mortifying that all he did was give me a few kisses, pull my hair, and touch my cock for a second, and I blew.
What does someone even say after that?
Ignore that just happened…
I want a Mulligan…
You were dreaming and I’m waking you up now…
Personally I went with, “I’m so, so, so sorry.”
“It’s fine,” he whispered, kissing my temple, but that just made me flinch and pull away. “Bowie?”
“I-I—umm, should—yeah,” I stuttered as I rolled out of bed. “Sorry.” I wasn’t sure why I said it again, but I did as I raced out of the room, grabbing whatever clothes of mine I could from the chair on the way out the door.
“Bowie, wait!” Sam called after me.
But I couldn’t. The single most humiliating moment of my life had just happened after years of wanting Sam, dreaming about it every night… All I wanted to do was go bury myself out in the snow and never show my face to anyone, ever again.
I was twenty-seven, not thirteen. Who came like that? Who finally got a guy to touch them for real and blew?
“Just shoot me,” I whispered to myself as I reached the staircase.
“You have a huge dick,” Roarke chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me when my head snapped up. I checked what I had in my hands and quickly yanked on my jeans since apparently I’d brought those but no boxer briefs. “It’s cool. I’ve got one too. We can start a club or something.” I realized he was making me squirm until I talked and filled him in on what was going on.
I shot him a nasty look. “Bully for you. Hopefully yours works better.” I picked up my sweater from the floor and stormed past him on the stairs, letting my shoulder slam into his. He just snickered and kept going up—probably to Wally.
That was stupid of me to say. Everyone liked to talk and stick their noses in other people’s business so by tomorrow everyone would know something had happened, and not well, between Sam and me.
Great, now I really did want to go freeze in the snow. I did end up sitting on the back porch for a while, as if that would help me one way or another.
Right, because chilling outside in the late hours of a South Dakota winter evening would somehow teach me how to control my load. Suuuuuuure it would.
Idiot.
3 Bowie
He let me get away with keeping my distance the first day or so, not trying to sit by me, letting me lick the proverbial wounds. Sam was patient and understanding like that. But then he was trying, probably knowing I’d never be able to approach him again.
Even if hell froze over, I doubted I would have.
By then I had already laid out a plan to avoid him the rest of the assignment though. I was walking the perimeter and checking on the security at night—even if that meant freezing my balls off. So then I got to sleep during the day. And I barely saw anyone.
Okay, so it wasn’t a break-out-of-Alcatraz awesome kind of plan, but I was plotting with what I had. It had been working until the morning of Councilman Ashton’s “funeral” and I couldn’t just go to sleep during the day. I headed to the room to shower, thinking Sam was long downstairs to eat and get the plans for the day.
Except he wasn’t. The moment I walked into the room, I was pinned against the wall.
“How much longer are you going to avoid me?” he growled as he kicked the door closed. “Is a stupid embarrassing moment so much more important than how you feel about me?”
I turned my face away as if he’d slapped me. He wasn’t wrong, but it hurt to hear him say something that upset me was stupid. “I can’t help the way I feel, Sam. It’s not more important than you, but I can’t help that I want to run or duck under the table when you’re in the room. And I don’t think it’s stupid to feel that. How many guys wouldn’t if that’s how their first time ever went? I think that goes under some type of trauma or another that they get a pass.”
“Oh, Bowie,” he chuckled as he unzipped my fleece and kissed under my chin. “We’ve been dancing around each other for years, all kinds of emotions swirling and beating inside us. There’s lots of guys who pop too soon the first time they’re with…” He trailed off and his hands froze on my belt.
Out of instinct, I glanced down. “What?”
“You said your first time ever.” I slowly nodded. “I know you were a virgin before, when you were a pre-trans, but you’re saying you’ve still never been with anyone? No one at all? Not with a bunch of hot gay warriors all around in the years you’ve been a post-trans and now a warrior?”
“Jesus, Sam!” I hissed, shoving him away. “Call me a loser virgin and get it over with, okay? Yes. Your hand on my cock was the first time anyone has ever touched it besides me. Feel better now? I’m a complete dork who was so into you that no one else even did it for me. I didn’t want anyone else.” I snapped my mouth shut, needing to just stop that ramble. I shook my head and grabbed for the doorknob so hard it came off in my hand.
But at least it opened.
“Bowie, wait!” he called after me as I raced from the room. I didn’t though. I couldn’t. God, what a loser I was. Sam came racing after me, and I ducked into the kitchen, finding who I was looking for. Wally was tossing baby carrots into Roarke’s mouth while we waited for everything to get going.
“Can I talk to you in the garage?” I asked my friend quietly. He glanced at me and did a double take, probably seeing my destroyed face.
“Of course.”
“Bowie, we’re not done talking,” Sam growled as he rushed up behind me and grabbed my arm.
I immediately yanked away, not able to look at those violet eyes. “Yeah, we are. I don’t need to hear that conversation again or in another way.”
“That’s not what I was saying,” he sighed, trying to get in front of me. “I was just shocked. Please? Please don’t let another misunderstanding keep us apart for years.”
I flinched but didn’t look at him. “Can we talk later? I want to ask Wally some stuff first. He’s been—umm, here—kinda, before.”
“Hon, we’ve all been there before,” he assured me. “You could talk to me, you know. You have before.”
“No, now I just feel stupid coming to you,” I bit out and brushed past him. It was probably a childish comment, but what he’d said hurt. I knew I wasn’t handling all of this right, but how did I know how to h
andle something I never had before?
Hey, if there was an instruction manual for this kind of stuff, I’d gladly take my paycheck and use it on that.
Sam let me go, and Wally held the door to the garage open for me, following me out as I flipped on the lights. I paced for a bit but then remembered people would be coming soon, so I spilled my guts to him in one long ramble. Wally’s eyes went wide as I caught him up on everything. When I was done, he just blinked at me for a few moments.
“Dude!” he whispered.
“I know.”
“I mean, just wow.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “What do I do?”
Wally gave me a sad look. “There’s something you should know before I give you my advice.” I nodded for him to go ahead. “Before Roarke and I got together, he was telling me about Sam when he was going to challenge him. He was excited because he said he’d heard Sam was gay and up for anything.” I stumbled away as if he’d hit me. “I’m not saying this to hurt you, Bowie. I just thought you should know, because while you weren’t hooking up with anyone because you were still all about him, I think he was.”
“We weren’t together. I can’t hold that against him.” I shrugged, even as my heart ached. Could he have cared about me if he was sharing his bed with others?
“I know the question you’re asking yourself and the answer’s yes,” Wally muttered. “Sam could still like you and have been with someone else. If he thought you didn’t want him, he might have been trying to move on.”
“That’s fair,” I agreed. “What do I do now though?”
“Try again. If you like Sam, then try again.” He cleared his throat and busied himself with the tool chest he was standing by. “Look, if you ever tell anyone this, I will beat you bloody, but I can tell you from experience you’re not the only one who’s blown through the finish of fun like a loser no matter their age and I didn’t like Roarke for years.”
“Yeah?” I hedged, rubbing the back of my neck.
He glanced at me and nodded. “Yeah. The only thing that kept me from not finishing the second he touched me is I never seemed to know where I stood with him in the beginning. That confusion and running to catch up gave me a few minutes more time. But when I did, I came. It’s just like any other muscle, Bowie. You’ve gotta build it up.”
