He had nothing but some sugar, a small container of hand churned butter and a half dozen brown eggs.
No flour, no vanilla. No baking ingredients at all.
But that shouldn’t be surprising since he was a bachelor biker. She couldn’t imagine him normally making meals from scratch.
He seemed to be an eggs, toast and bacon type of man. Or cereal and milk. Plus, coffee, of course.
Simple. Uncomplicated.
She mentally made a list of what they’d need, then headed around the counter dividing the kitchenette off from the rest of the open living space. She’d turn on the news, her way of catching up with everything she’d missed in the world for the past few months. The more she watched, the more she confirmed she’d been up there for about a year.
The doctor had said the seed had been growing inside her for about eight months. It only had eight weeks to go before it was done. And it had taken a few months for them to plant that seed. She had counted three periods before her monthly cycles stopped. And Vernon had bred her for a few more weeks after the last one, just to make sure it had taken.
Her periods stopping had been both a blessing and a curse. The blessing being, those breedings had stopped. The curse being, they succeeded in what they intended.
She grabbed the remote and turned to point it at the TV on the wall across the room and when she did, her gaze landed on the couch. Where Sig normally slept.
Her eyebrows pinned together and she wondered what he’d spilled on the worn fake leather. Whatever it was had dried to a brown, marking the tan cushions.
She turned again with the intent to get a wet paper towel and try to clean off whatever it was. But she froze as she spotted something else on the floor.
One of his T-shirts.
Sig dropped his clothes wherever he took them off, but that wasn’t what bothered her about it.
No.
That wasn’t it at all.
With a groan and her hand planted on the couch’s armrest to keep from toppling over, she reached down and picked it up. She shook it out and turned it to see the back more clearly.
She pressed a hand to her mouth and struggled to breathe.
Why...
A noise escaped from between her lips just as she heard him enter the room, his normally loose and easy gait stuttering to a halt.
She lifted her gaze from the tee in her hand to him, a tightness in her chest and her thoughts spinning.
She didn’t move but kept her eyes glued to his tight expression as he approached. She noticed the second his eyes slid across the couch first and landed on his shirt within her fingers.
“Red...”
“You’re hurt.”
“No.”
Of course he was, no one bled that much who wasn’t injured. “Then whose blood is that?”
“Red...” He yanked the bloody T-shirt from her fingers and balled it up in his fist. “Ain’t nothin’.”
“The hell it isn’t.” He was wearing a shirt now. Covering what she missed last night and again this morning. How had she not seen it? With the amount of blood...
He’d purposely kept his back to her, except for in the dark. That’s how.
He’d hidden his injuries from her.
Why?
Was he afraid it would trigger something in her?
Would it trigger her?
She swallowed hard and moved to stand behind him, but he turned with her. “I want to see.” She was not asking, but demanding.
“No.”
“I need to see.”
“No. Not a good fuckin’ idea.”
“For who? You? Or me?”
He shook his head, his brow furrowed. “Both of us.”
“Sig...”
“Red...”
“I need to see it!” burst from her in a scream, surprising both of them. She slapped a hand over her mouth, shocked at her sudden loss of patience. Shocked at once again feeling something other than nothing. Of no longer being dead inside. Feeling a real emotion other than just despair.
He stared at her for the longest time, his face paler than usual, his mouth tight, his eyes troubled.
“Please,” she finally whispered. Still not asking, because she was going to see it one way or another.
“Red, you can’t tell anyone. Like the lock, you need to fuckin’ promise me.”
“Promise.”
“I mean it. Not to Stella, not to Shady. To no one.”
She nodded, dread beginning to fill her chest and make it tight.
“Need to hear it again.”
“I promise.”
He dropped his head for a minute and his chest surged as he sucked in a deep breath. Then he nodded and grabbed a handful of the worn cotton at the top of his back, tugging it up and over his head.
Her heart began to pound in her throat as he slowly turned and revealed his broad, muscular back to her.
She quickly covered her mouth to keep from crying out, but her heart broke for him. And she didn’t think she had one left to break.
She tentatively reached out but only touched where the skin hadn’t been broken. Where it hadn’t been flailed to the point of splitting and bleeding.
The shower this morning had to be painful. His skin was still raw and swollen, and a few spots were shiny with fresh blood.
Somehow she managed to ask, “You... wanted this?” Who would want this? Ask for this? Take this kind of damage willingly?
“Red...”
She pulled her hand back and curled her fingers into her palm. “I need to know. I need to know you wanted this. You asked for this.”
She almost didn’t hear his quiet, “Yeah.”
Autumn closed her eyes and just breathed for a moment, trying to wrap her head around what it all meant. Why he would want, or need, something like this.
Why he would feel the need to be struck over and over with something that would mutilate the skin of his back like that. To cause pain. To feel pain. To feel pain that wouldn’t be just temporary. Discomfort that would last for days.
Like a reminder.
Was it some sort of punishment?
“Is this what you wanted Billie to do to you?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“Wanted to do it to her.”
“Like that Amish girl your brother talked about?”
“Yeah.”
“You like it.”
“They like it.”
They like it? But he was the one bearing the marks. He’d had it done to him, instead. Why? “You get off on that.”
He stepped away and turned to face her, his Adam’s apple jumping in his throat and every muscle tense. “Red, can’t fuckin’ discuss this with you.” His voice was tight and almost pleading with her to let it go.
She couldn’t. She needed to understand. “You want to know what happened to me. You want me to open myself up and tell you everything. But you can’t share this with me?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“’Cause I can’t explain it.”
That was an easy copout. “Yes, you can.”
He shook his head. “Can’t explain how it works.”
“Works to do what?”
He went to step away, to head to the kitchen, to escape her questions, but she reached out and grabbed his arm. He could’ve easily pulled away. She didn’t have the strength to hold him, but he stopped anyway and stared at her fingers wrapped around his forearm.
He didn’t look at her when he said, “To curb my temper, to keep me from hurtin’ someone. To keep me from spinnin’ out of control. From seein’ red. To keep me from goin’ back to jail. To keep me from killin’ someone ‘cause they bumped into me or looked at me the wrong way or said somethin’ that rubbed me the wrong fuckin’ way. Any of it. All of it.”
“You can’t live without it.”
“Wish I could. But no, not unless I find somethin’ else.”
“Another outlet for your anger.�
�
“Yeah.”
“Why are you so angry?”
He frowned. “That couldn’t be explained in years of therapy, baby. Not even decades of it.”
“But isn’t it a good thing that you know how to control it?”
“Can’t always control it.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause no matter what, some things are outta our control, Red.”
That she understood. “Like what happened to me.”
He simply stared at her for a moment before saying, “Yeah, like what happened to you.”
He pulled his shirt back over his head, covering what had been done to him. What he had done to him. She had no idea by who, though.
And what else had happened besides those marks being left on his body?
What else did Sig, or that other person, get out of it?
It wasn’t her place to judge him. She didn’t know him as well as he knew himself.
He did what he thought needed to be done.
Even so, she could understand doing something someone else might not comprehend in an attempt to hang on to that last shred of sanity.
To do whatever was needed to survive.
She understood that only too well. So, she had no right to judge and, in truth, no right to question. “We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to handle it.”
“That right there, Red, is an important thing you also need to remember.”
“Yes,” she murmured, heading toward the kitchen. “You’re right. I need to remember that, too.” She stopped in front of the coffeemaker and stared at it, but not seeing it. Her next words came out strangely flat. “I want to make pancakes.”
Right now, that was one thing she could control in her life.
“Whatever you want, Red.”
Whatever you want.
She wanted to heed her own advice, that was what she wanted. But she wasn’t sure if it would ever be possible.
She hoped she was wrong.
Chapter Twelve
She could understand doing something someone else might not comprehend in an attempt to hang on to that last shred of sanity.
To do whatever was needed to survive.
The room was eerily quiet as Autumn kept her face turned away from the monitor, not wanting to see it. Sig stood by her side, next to the table, staring at it instead. She had to close her eyes when his face twisted for a moment before he caught his reaction and quickly hid it.
She wanted him there. When she had put out her hand, he’d grabbed it. He kept holding it tightly as the tech rolled the wand through the gel and over her belly.
“You still don’t want to know the sex or hear the heartbeat, right?” Dr. Bryson asked gently.
“No,” she answered, concentrating on Sig’s belt. Was there a spot of dried blood on the bulky metal buckle?
“Well, it’s doing well, surprisingly. Being undernourished like you were could cause a multitude of birth defects, like organ failure, brain damage, or even blindness. It’s possible the baby could even die during childbirth. So, that’s something you need to be aware of, Autumn. But fortunately, we still have time to turn this pregnancy around. From what I can see, you have maybe eight weeks to go, unless it’s born prematurely. Which is also a risk. But both your weight and the baby’s weight are up significantly. And I assume the baby has been active?”
Autumn didn’t answer, she just tipped her eyes up to Sig. He nodded to the doctor.
“Good. Any spotting?”
“No,” Autumn murmured. Not since those first couple of days after Sig found her.
“That’s good, too.”
The tech finished up and cleaned off Autumn’s stomach before pulling her shirt down her to cover her up.
Dr. Bryson squeezed her knee. “You can sit up now.” She moved over and powered the table until Autumn was sitting upright.
The doctor waited until the tech left and, once the door was shut, she said, “Like I told you last week, my husband and I are looking to adopt and we’ve been on a waiting list... To be honest, it took him a long time to get to this point. You mentioned you might be interested in letting us adopt this baby, but before I go to him, I need to make sure it’s really what you’d want. You need to be sure. If you agree, my visits would be covered, we’d also pay for the birth and any medical expenses you incur.” She paused. “Let me give you a little background before you seriously consider this...”
“He’s a cop,” Sig finished for her.
“Yes, but...” Dr. Bryson pushed her glasses up to the top of her head. “He’s dealt with some bad PTSD due to his time in the Marines. He saw... things. And when we met, he never wanted kids... for reasons I’d prefer not to get into. While being a mother has been all I’ve ever wanted, fate made it so I couldn’t have my own. However, with years of therapy and medication and with the help of his nieces and nephews, Matt’s finally ready. But now that he’s ready, we have to wait. If you’re willing, we could take this baby. Love and protect him or her. And we’d be okay if you wanted an open adoption, Autumn. If you decided you’d want a relationship with him or her.” Since Autumn didn’t say anything, the doctor turned to Sig. “Since I’m still concerned with her and the baby’s health, my recommendation remains that she come stay with us until the baby is born. We’ll make sure she has everything she needs.”
“No.”
“Sig...”
“Will bring her here as often as you think she needs, but we’ll keep her safe. No one else will keep her safer than us.”
“Since Matt is a cop, he’s quite capable of keeping her safe. His family is full of cops.”
“No shit and he leaves for work. So do you. I got people who can watch her. Make sure she eats. Round the clock. Make sure she’s safe. Round the clock. People who ain’t afraid of doin’ whatever’s necessary to protect her. Bet you can’t say that about your husband’s family.”
“If I tell him about what happened to her and how the baby was conceived, he’ll want her with us.”
“No,” Sig said more firmly, the muscles in his jaw working. Autumn wasn’t sure if he realized how tightly he was gripping her hand. She winced, squeezed his fingers and he dropped her hand.
“How am I going to explain where the baby comes from? He’ll want to meet her. Being a police officer, he’ll want to know the details. They’re so damn detail oriented.” She grimaced. “Believe me.”
“Don’t tell ‘im. Keep it a secret. After the baby’s born, just bring it home. Tell ‘im the mother gave it to you at the hospital ‘cause she couldn’t take care of it. That’s it.”
“Autumn will need to sign legal paperwork. And he’ll need to be on the birth certificate. Having both of our names on it will help protect the baby from... them.”
“Draw up whatever paperwork you need. She signs, she signs. She don’t?” Sig shrugged.
Autumn finally spoke, tired of this conversation. Tired of them negotiating over her and the seed like she was a used car. “I’ll sign whatever you want, Dr. Bryson, as long as you don’t tell anyone where it came from. If it gets back to them...”
Carly nodded. “No one will know but us. But, please, call me Carly.”
“Not even your husband, Carly,” Autumn said. Sig was right, the man was a cop. He’d be obligated to go up that mountain if he knew the truth and that could cause a huge problem. The Shirleys couldn’t give a crap about her, they only wanted the seed. They only needed her to finish growing it since she hadn’t submitted the way they had hoped when they first brought her there. They’d hoped for a submissive woman who was easily manipulated, and they didn’t find that with her.
They had been lied to when she was traded to them. They assumed she’d be docile and obedient.
She wasn’t. And Vernon had been angry when he discovered he got the wrong side of the deal.
Very angry.
“I’m not sure that’s a secret I can keep,” Carly admitted. “There was a crim
e...”
“Just tell him I’m a single mom who wants a loving family for the seed she can’t raise. No one needs to know who planted it. No one.”
Carly drew her hands over her face, then shook her head, her green eyes troubled. “I don’t know.”
“For its safety,” Autumn pleaded. “Please. I’ll meet your husband. You don’t have to lie. I can do it for you.”
Carly said nothing for the longest time. “Okay. I’ll agree with this for now. But as much as I want a baby of my own, I also don’t want to destroy my marriage. It’s been a hell of a journey for us to get this far. I don’t want to ruin everything we’ve worked for.”
A muscle in Sig’s jaw jumped. “You tell ‘im how this baby came about and he’ll have to do somethin’ about it. By goin’ up there and arrestin’ ‘em, they’ll find out your baby’s theirs and fight you for it. You know how those fucknuts like to sue, how they like to stick it to the legal system and the pigs, too. You could lose that fuckin’ kid and it might end up being raised up on that mountain. You wanna risk that?”
Carly’s face paled. “No.”
“Then like Red said, she’s just a single mom lookin’ to give her kid to a lovin’ family. That’s you and your pig husband,” Sig sneered the last part.
“She needs to be protected now, though,” Carly insisted.
“You leave that to us.”
The doctor moved closer to the table, concern etching her face.
Autumn was done with all this. It was exhausting and turning her stomach into knots. But before she made any final decision, she needed to know one important thing. “Carly, you mentioned possible defects. Will you love it if it has something wrong with it? Will you and your husband be able to deal with those problems? Or if it ends up with issues, will you no longer want it?”
If they didn’t, then Autumn would have no choice but to go into hiding somewhere far away to keep that seed safe and out of the Shirleys’ hands.
She couldn’t stay with Sig forever. And why would he want to be burdened with her and a seed another man had planted?
He wouldn’t.
He shouldn’t.
They were not his responsibility. He’d done more than enough for her already.
“That’s not a problem, Autumn. But let’s get you strong. Prepared. Give this kid a fighting chance. Give you one, too. It’s why I want you to come stay with us.” She looked from her to Sig, studying him for a moment before asking, “Is there something between you? You said you found her in the woods and you didn’t know her at all. Has something developed since then? Why do you feel obligated for her to stay with you instead?”
Blood & Bones: Sig (Blood Fury MC Book 2) Page 16
