As excited as I was to get a phone call from Kelly, after the disaster of the party I was determined not to read too much into it.
‘Razz, it was about debating.’
‘About debating? About debating? Dude, I don’t believe you. You’re not just a glass half-empty sort of a guy, are you? You’re more a glass half-empty and there’s probably a dead cockroach on the bottom sort of a guy. Geez, Ishmael, she rang you up. Do you hear what I’m saying? She rang you. What does she have to do, man – knock you over the head with a club and drag you into a cave? Look, think about it – first she invites you to Sally’s party and now she’s inviting you to help out with debating. Could it be any more obvious? Mate, it’s not about debating. The debating thing’s just for show. It’s just a front, a fraud, a cover-up. It’s all about you and her getting it on.’
‘You don’t know that for sure. She just might really want to win the debate.’
‘OK, OK, let’s just say that’s true. Then explain to me why, of all people, she’s asking us for help? Look, no offence, dude, but neither of us exactly qualifies as the Michael Jordan of debating, do we?’
‘But what about our Secret Topic experience?’
‘What, you mean our losing experience?’
‘But we did all right. We almost won. Besides, it doesn’t matter. We still went through it all. We can still tell them what it’s like, can’t we?’
‘Yeah maybe, but if you really wanted help with debating who would you go to?’
That was simple. ‘Scobie.’
‘Of course you would. Everyone knows Scobie is the best debater in the entire comp by a mile, right? Sally even said at her party that they’d heard all about him from the other teams. So here’s my question. Did Kelly seem super keen for Scobie to come along?’
‘Well … no … not really. She mainly just talked about you and me … but …’
‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.’
‘But maybe she’s just assuming that he’ll come along too.’
‘Yeah, maybe she is. But if it was all about debating, if she really just wanted to win and that’s all, then she’d make sure Scobie was going to be there, wouldn’t she? Scobie would be priority numero uno. But dude, I’m telling you, she hasn’t got her eye on Scobie – she’s after you.’
I wanted to believe Razza. I really did, but it just didn’t seem possible. Kelly Faulkner wanting me? It was about as likely as Snow White wanting Dopey.
‘Trust me, man – have I ever been wrong before?’
That was simple too. ‘Yeah, heaps of times.’
‘But recently?’
‘U-huh – you said Bagsley would never hit anyone at school, then he punched my lights out, right in the middle of my own Homeroom.’
‘Well, if you’re gonna pick up on every minor detail, I’m outta here. But you’ll see, man. Kelly’s got her eyes on you for something, all right, but it ain’t debating.’
The following week, despite Razza’s protests, I told the rest of the team about Kelly’s phone call and asked if any of them wanted to come. Bill didn’t seem that keen and Prindabel was going to be away with his family somewhere. Scobie was free though, and I convinced him to join us so at least we would have one person who really knew what he was talking about.
Razza didn’t seem that concerned about the extra company. ‘Yeah, you know it might be good to have the Scobster there. He’ll be a distraction for the other chicks.’
Then he nudged me in the ribs and wiggled his eyebrows up and down. ‘That’ll give you and the Big K more scope to grope.’
30.
CARPET DINKUM–SQUEEZE THE DAY
We decided to meet at my house before we went to Sally’s. Mum was going to drive us over and pick us up in the afternoon. Razza and Scobie arrived early.
‘So this is your room, eh, Ishmael? This is where all the action happens, is it? The Leseur lair. Man, it’s pretty wild.’ (Because you can’t see my room, it might surprise you to know that Razza was actually being sarcastic here.)
I guess I hadn’t really thought about it much before, but I had to admit, my room was pretty plain. For a starter, the walls were mainly bare except for an embarrassing old poster of Finding Nemo that Dad had put up for me when I was a kid. Razza was examining it closely.
‘Geez, I hope they find that little fella soon. How long has it been now?’
I sat down on the bed beside Scobie as Razza continued his tour. He moved to the corner of the room and a row of plastic boxes stuffed full of old toys that I hadn’t touched for years. He reached in and pulled out a floppy Snoopy doll. ‘Wicked,’ he said before dropping it back and completing one last sweeping inspection.
‘I guess your parents are worried sick about you, are they, dude? You know, terrified about you being caught up in heavy metal, satanic worship, hard drugs and stuff?’
I didn’t respond. I was just glad I’d convinced Mum to get rid of my Thomas the Tank Engine eiderdown last year.
Then Razza picked something off the shelves above my work desk. ‘Hey, what’s this, man?’ He was holding up a Dugongs cassette.
‘That’s my dad’s band – from when he was at uni.’
‘All right! Your dad was in a band. Cool! And they recorded an album? Awesome! What’s it like – any good?’
‘Yeah, not bad. I like it.’
I did, too. A couple of months ago Mum, Prue and I had watched as Dad cut open a sealed box he’d dug from a cupboard in the back room. Inside were the leftover cassettes and vinyl albums of the Dugongs’ first and only recording. I’d heard Dad play songs at home before, but it was strange to see a thin version of him on the cover of an album along with the rest of the band and stranger still to imagine him leaping around on stage. The way he’d been since he agreed to do the reunion thing – sort of quiet and scared – made me wonder if he still had it in him. I guess he was wondering the same thing.
‘Man, that is so cool,’ Razza said, flipping over the cassette in his hand. ‘ ‘Cept for the name, of course. What is a dugong, anyway? Some kind of bug or moth, isn’t it?’
‘That would be your bogong,’ Scobie said. ‘Agrotis infusa – a small moth from the Noctuidea family – follows a mass migration in spring.’
Razza and I took part in a communal gawk.
Scobie blinked back at us.
‘My father’s an entomologist. It’s really quite a well-known moth.’
‘I’ll take your word for it. So what’s a dugong, then?’
‘Ah, that would be your sea cow,’ I said, ‘a member of the manatee family, although strangely enough more closely related to the elephant. Lives in the sea, grazes on sea grass, has poor eyesight but excellent hearing. Looks a bit like a bloated seal.’
Razza transferred his gawk to me. ‘Don’t tell me – your father is a marine biologist. Right?’
‘Wrong – insurance salesman. I picked up that stuff Googling the band’s name.’
‘So let’s see … Your father’s band is named after some fat, blind, underwater, elephanty-type thing that pigs out on sea grass.’ Razza shook his head. ‘Rock ‘n’ roll, man.’
‘I think there might have been dugongs or something around where he grew up. Anyway, as far as band names go, it’s the “The” bit that’s important.’
‘The “The” bit?’
‘Yeah, Dad’s always going on about how all the really big groups in the past were called the something. You know, like the Beatles, the Rolling Stones …’
‘The Wiggles,’ Razza suggested. ‘So tell me about the Dugongs,’ he said, holding up the cassette. ‘What happened to them?’
So I told Razza and Scobie all about the band and the big reunion concert at the end of the year. When I’d finished Razza tapped the cassette against his hand. ‘Any chance I can have a lend of this and check them out?’
‘Sure.’
‘Awesome, dude, thanks,’ Razza said as he stuffed the tape in his jacket pocket. Then, having
finished his tour of my room, he turned his attention to Scobie, who was sitting on the bed with his feet dangling a few centimetres above the carpet. ‘Hey, Scobie baby, you’re looking pretty sharp today, dude. Is that a new shirt, by any chance? Haven’t made a special effort for any reason, have we?’
Scobie looked up at Razza blankly.
‘Wouldn’t have anything to do with someone’s hot sister, would it?’
Again Scobie said nothing.
‘Speaking of hot sisters, where is Prue?’
‘Out shopping with Mum – they should be back soon.’
‘Well Scobes, my man, do you want my advice?’
‘Strangely enough, no,’ Scobie said.
This didn’t surprise me, because even though many people regularly received Razza’s advice, I’d never yet met anyone who had actually wanted or asked for it. Of course, this never seemed to bother Razza in the slightest.
‘What you gotta do, man, is grab the moment. You know what I mean? Like in that Deadly Poets flick Miss showed us in English where that teacher dude kept saying Carpet dinkum, squeeze the day. So here’s what you gotta do if you want to win on to Prue. You gotta tell her how hot and smokin’ she is, OK? Chicks love compliments, so lay it on thick. Oh … and it’s really important to be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.’
Scobie’s mouth curled from one side to the other then stretched downwards, but he remained silent.
‘Please yourself. Just trying to help.’ With that, Razza began digging through the toy boxes while singing just loud enough for Scobie to hear, You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes offa Prue. She feels like heaven to touch. Scobes wants to hold her soooooo much until something more important distracted him. ‘Hey, cool! Pirate Lego!’
Ten minutes later Razza was happily building a pretty impressive pirate island and Scobie was flicking through Dad’s old copy of Moby Dick when Prue burst into the room.
‘Hey Ishy, check out the earrings Mum bought me! Aren’t they …’ She stopped in her tracks when she spotted Razza and Scobie. ‘Oops … sorry.’
‘Hi, Prudles,’ Razza said with a cheesy grin. ‘Remember me, Razza? From the debating?’
‘Of course.’ Prue smiled back sweetly. ‘Which side were you on again? It was so hard to tell.’
Razza threw up his hands. ‘Man, you make one little mistake and they make you pay for it for the rest of your life.’
Prue laughed then tucked her hair behind her ears. I noticed something else about Prue then as she stood in front of Scobie in a little tank top and a pair of checked shorts – she wasn’t quite as straight up and down as she used to be.
‘Hi, James,’ she said in a syrupy kind of voice (another recent development).
Scobie shot back a Halloween pumpkin grin and mumbled like he had a gob full of super-glue.
Prue fiddled with her earlobe. ‘Well … I suppose I’d better get out of your way. I’ve got things to do … you know … books to read and guinea pigs to feed.’
But Razza jumped in before she could move.
‘So Prue, you got new earrings, eh? Sweet! Give us a look. Man, they’re so cool on you. What d’ya reckon, Scobes? Don’t you think Prue’s new earrings are cool? Don’t you think they make her look beautiful?’
All eyes fell on Scobie, who was concentrating hard on Razza. Then he turned stiffly to face my little sister. She smiled at him then looked away quickly. Scobie said nothing. Razza gave a nervous laugh.
‘Well, Scobes, come on, don’t keep us waiting. Don’t you reckon Prue’s new earrings make her look beautiful?’
Scobie blinked. ‘Not really … no,’ he said.
Razza’s eyes exploded like mushroom clouds and Prue’s smile melted away like the polar ice caps.
‘Wh … what? Hey he’s … he’s just kiddin’,’ Razza said, spinning around to Prue. ‘The old Scobster’s always joking. Man, he really slays me sometimes! Come on, dude,’ he said turning back to face Scobie, ‘quit jerking us around and be serious for once, will ya? Tell us the truth now.’ Then Razza spoke slowly and deliberately as if he were interrogating a hostile witness. ‘Don’t you think … that the earrings … make Prue … look beautiful?’
Scobie regarded Razza calmly. ‘No. No, I don’t think … that the earrings … make Prue … look beautiful.’
Razza had his back to Prue, but from the bed I could see his mouth fall open and his eyes glaze over in disbelief. I looked at my sister. Her expression was a bit like Razza’s, only with a little less disbelief and more hurt. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing either.
But Scobie wasn’t finished. I guess we all should have known that he would always have the final word.
‘No,’ he said, ‘I think … that Prue … makes them look beautiful.’
What followed was a few seconds of absolute silence before Prue gave a sort of half-cough, half-giggle and pointed back over her shoulder.
‘Well, I um … I should um … I have to … you know … do that um … stuff I have to do … you know … book the guinea pigs and read the feeds.’
She stared blankly ahead for a moment then backed her way awkwardly out the door. Almost immediately she reappeared. ‘I got that a little confused just then,’ she said with great composure. ‘Of course what I meant to say was that I had to feed the books and read the guinea pigs.’
Then she smiled, frowned, blushed, giggled and blushed again in rapid succession before spinning round and bounding down the stairs.
We all remained motionless like three slightly overdressed crash-test dummies.
Then Razza drifted across the room like a sleepwalker and sat down beside me on the bed. For a moment or two he looked up at Scobie in silent awe. Finally he spoke. ‘Bow your head, Ishmael,’ he whispered. ‘We are in the presence of greatness.’
31.
THE BREAK–AND-ENTER CHICK
When we arrived at the Nofkes’ house, Sally said that three of the other girls were running late. I didn’t mind. Kelly was there and she had her hair pulled back in a little ponytail. She looked so cute it was like torture.
After we introduced Scobie, we were taken through to the lounge room, where Sally’s little sister Sophie was sitting on the floor clutching a story book. Beside her was a slightly older boy playing with a Game Boy. Sophie looked up at me and her face darkened. I don’t think she had quite forgiven me for implicating her in the Pool Piddle fiasco.
‘James, this is my little sister Sophie and my little brother Jeremy. You guys already met Ishmael and Razza at my party. Now I’m afraid you’ll both have to move out now – we have to work on our debate.’
Sophie’s mouth dropped open like an M&M dispenser. ‘But you gotta wead me a story. You said.’
‘I know, Soph, but I can’t now. We’ve got work to do and Kelly and I have to finish making sandwiches. Anyway, Mum and Dad will be back soon, so maybe you could ask one of them.’
‘But I want you to wead it. You said. You pwomised!’
‘How about if I read you heaps of stories tonight, OK?’
‘But you pwomised to wead me a story now!’
Sally looked flustered. ‘Soph, sweetie … look …’
‘I’ll wead you a story.’
Everyone looked at Razza.
‘No, look, you don’t have to do that,’ Sally said.
‘I don’t mind, really. I’ll read the story while you guys make the sandwiches.’
‘I don’t think you know what you’re letting yourself in for. Sophie’s pretty … picky. She knows her favourite stories off by heart. She’ll catch you out if you try to skip anything.’
‘That’s cool. No problem. I got a million little cousins. I was born to read!’
Sally knelt down beside her little sister. ‘What do you say, Soph? Would it be OK if Razza read your story instead?’
Sophie looked up doubtfully at Razza. ‘I know my ABC,’ she said.
‘Just ABC? That’s nothing,’ Razza countered, ‘once I got all t
he way through to K without even looking!’
Sally smothered a smile with her hand. Kelly rolled her beautiful eyes. Sophie just stared at Razza for a while then stood up and climbed on to the couch.
‘Cool!’ Razza said. ‘What’re we reading?’
Sophie held up the book. It was Goldilocks and the Three Bears. ‘Awesome – the break-and-enter chick! One of the classics!’
‘Well, if you guys are right by yourselves for the moment, Kel and I will finish getting the food organised.’
We were, so the girls headed for the kitchen and Scobie and I sat down on the two lounge chairs facing Razza and Sophie.
‘You wanna join in?’ Razza asked Jeremy, who curled up his lip and looked insulted at the suggestion that he might consider listening to a reading of Goldilocks.
‘Please yourself, little dude. OK then, let’s get this show on the road. And don’t worry, Soph. Reading is my life. I have everything under control.’
Razza took the book from Sophie, winked at her and opened it confidently. Then he squinted at the page in front of him as a puzzled expression invaded his face. Finally he drew in a sharp breath and slapped himself on the forehead with an open palm. ‘Of course,’ he said with a tsk-ing sound before rotating the book 180 degrees so that it was right way up.
Sophie looked on in horror. Jeremy peeked over the top of his Game Boy.
Razza continued. ‘Right, here we go. You ready? Let’s see,’ he said, clearing his throat loudly, The Adventures of Pinkilocks and the Three …’
‘No-o-o-o-o!’
Sophie looked shocked.
‘What’s up?’
‘You said Pinkilocks. It’s not Pinkilocks. It’s Goldilocks.’
‘You sure?’ Razza said, holding the book close to his eyes. ‘Oh yeah … Yeah, you’re right … There it is … Goldilocks. Must have been the light-plus being slightly colour blind doesn’t help. Sorry about that, chief. No more mistakes from here on.’
Scobie and I exchanged a look. Jeremy lowered his Game Boy to his lap. Sophie watched Razza like he was a dangerous criminal.
Ishmael and the Return of the Dungongs Page 13
