“That’s not the way it works, Rian. The DNR means you don’t get a decision anymore. You don’t have to decide anything for anyone.” She’s trying to be helpful, but she’s just pissing me off.
“No, Gabriella. We don’t have to give this to them. They never have to know. The doctor said I’m the only one able to make her decisions and this is the one I’m making. She lives.”
“Rian, this is what she wanted. Elaine didn’t want to live on life support. If she’s gone, and that’s what the doctors already think, we have to honor her wishes and let her go.” Gone? She’s not fucking gone; she’s lying in a hospital bed depending on me to help her. I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.
“You’re wrong. Gabriella, we don’t have to tell them. It will be fine, it’s our secret.” I rip the DNR up in front of her face, letting the tiny pieces fall to the floor and I give her a “now what” smile. Now there’s no proof of this and it’s her word against mine. I’m the only living relative, they have to believe me.
Gabriella stands from the bed, pulls me in for a hug that I try my hardest to wiggle out of, but she overpowers me. Squeezing and kissing the top of my head. “Her attorney has a copy of this document, Rian. All you’ve done is make this more difficult. I know you don’t understand now, but you will someday. I’m going to make the call and have the lawyers send over a new copy to the hospital. I’ll be with you every step of the way. You can be mad at me, hate me even, but this is the right thing to do. Elaine wouldn’t have signed that document if she wanted all this extra stuff.”
If I wasn’t in such a death grip, I would have slapped her. Who the hell does she think she is? Gabriella isn’t even my family and here she is, being all self-righteous and making decisions she has no business making. I can’t let her take Elaine from me. Who will I have left if she dies?
After a few more minutes, she releases me. It takes everything in me to not strike. The only reason I don’t is because I know Garrett will never forgive me for hitting his mom. Instead, I attack with my words. “You’re heartless, you know that? If you tell anyone about this or call the lawyers, I’ll never forgive you. If you take Elaine from me, I’ll never talk to you again. Even when Garrett and I are married, I won’t want anything to do with you,” I cry, not knowing how else to deal with all of these emotions.
Feeling like the world’s worst person after seeing the pain in her eyes with my last statement, I cover my face. Mostly embarrassed, but partially angry, I let the tears fall onto my shirt.
“If blaming me helps you cope with this, Rian, that’s okay. I’ll take it. This should have never been anything you had to deal with and I promise you that I’m going to be here. I won’t leave you, Rian. When you marry my son, you’re going to be my daughter and I’ll take care of you. But if you need to be angry with me, that’s okay, just let me take care of you.”
I run out of Elaine’s room into mine and throw myself on the bed. The picture on my nightstand of me when I was younger stares at me, almost disapproving. I flip it over, refusing to look at a time when I had not a care in the world.
Things have changed drastically since that moment and they’ll never be the same.
Chapter 12
Gabriella did exactly what she said she was going to do. After I went to my room, she called the attorney and filled him in on Elaine’s current situation. Within a matter of days, the hospital had a copy of the DNR, and they removed the breathing tube that same afternoon.
Once everything was gone, nothing short of a miracle took place. Gabriella was there when it happened and stayed for the first few hours, even after I asked her to leave. Elaine didn’t die. She was breathing on her own. My snarky smirk lasted until she left that evening. She tried to take Elaine from me and I ended up winning in the long run.
The doctors said that sometimes people can be in comas for years, not on life support, but never come out. I refuse to listen to their logic. The fact that she’s not receiving any extraordinary life saving measures but is still kicking, gives me hope. Not enough hope to allow me to leave the hospital, though.
Even though I technically won, the fear that she’ll die if I’m not here is paralyzing. Against my wishes, Gabriella brought a few changes of clothes for me and a couple books. When she shows up to check on me, I refuse acknowledge her or even engage in the conversations she attempts to start. She even tries resorting to talking about Garrett to get me to speak, but even that doesn’t work. The sense of betrayal supersedes everything.
Twelve long, grueling days and Elaine is still here. There have been no changes in her condition, but every miracle happens when it’s supposed to—she doesn’t need it yet. When she does, it will happen.
Stretching out as much as I can in one of the chairs the fathers of newborns use in the maternity ward, I close my eyes in preparation for another shitty night’s sleep. A little after midnight, a loud, shrill noise pulls me out of my slumber. Rubbing my eyes and searching around the room for the culprit, it’s not until a slew of nurses and doctors flood into the room that I fully wake. Someone flips on the overhead lights and I’m temporarily blinded.
Then it dawns on me.
It’s the long, constant buzzing of the heart machine hooked up to Elaine, measuring her vitals. No, no, no, no … this isn’t happening. I won.
Standing straight up, tossing my blanket to the ground, I run over to the doctor standing over Elaine. He’s not doing anything. What in the actual fuck?
“Do something!” I scream in his face, drawing his attention away from her.
“Ms. Fields, there’s nothing we can do. Your aunt has a DNR.”
“No! No, save her. Bring her back. She was fine a minute ago, she can be fine again. Do something.” Everyone, doctors and nurses, are standing around just staring at me. Are they fucking deaf? Searching around the room, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know what any of this stuff does, or doesn’t do, but I have to do something.
Climbing on top of Elaine, I start to harshly push on her chest. I took a lifeguard class a few years ago and learned CPR. This is what they should be doing—what they’re paid to do. “Is anyone going to help me? Please, do something.” I continue to administer chest compressions, pausing to bend forward and blow breaths of mine into Elaine’s mouth.
Strong arms wrap around my waist and try to pull me down. Pushing them away, swatting whoever gets close to me, I try my hardest to bring her back. “You’re all useless. First do no harm my ass. Dammit. Someone help me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see the elderly nurse that was so nice to me when Elaine was brought in.
“Nina, please. Help me. Save her,” I call out to her. Nina puts her head down, a few tears stream down her cheeks as she shakes her head. “No, please, Nina. You’re better than them. You save people. Save her.”
An extremely tall doctor finally wrestles me off the bed and back into the chair. As soon as he lets me down, I try to get back up but a nurse walks over to me with a syringe in her hand. “Oh, hell no! Get the fuck away from me!” I frantically scream, kicking at anyone who tries to get close.
Nina walks behind me and turns off the machine that’s still screaming, alerting me to the fact that Elaine’s heart isn’t beating anymore. Kneeling next to me, she takes my hand, and for some reason I allow it. She’s the only one that has permission to touch me.
“Sweet girl, you’re gonna have to calm yourself. This nurse over here,” she nods in the direction of the one holding the syringe, “she’s gonna give you some medication to relax if you can’t do it yourself. I know you’re upset, but you gotta work with us here. Tell me what you need, lamb.”
Scanning the faces of everyone in the room, I suddenly realize that they all feel for me. Nobody is looking at me in disgust or anger, but in sadness and pain. Starting to cry, I squeeze Nina’s hand and whisper what I need. “Can I have the shot, please? I don’t wanna deal with this yet.”
Nina nods again in the direction of her syringe carrying
partner in crime, who hands it off to Nina, for which I’m thankful. I don’t know the other nurse and Nina wouldn’t ever hurt me. A small prick on my upper thigh and it’s only moments before the room starts to fade and then everything goes black.
****
Waking up in the dark, a warm hand rests on mine. Taking in my surroundings, it’s apparent I’m in an exam room, hooked up to monitors and it’s Gabriella who sits to my side. I’ve never been groggier in my life. Pulling away from her, I sit up, stretch my muscles and take the little monitor off my finger while getting out of bed. My movements wake up Gabriella who’s now staring at me with eyes full of emotion.
“I’m so sorry, Rian. The hospital called me after they sedated you. I came right over.”
“You didn’t have to.” When you can feel anger, why would you choose grief? She pushed for this—pulling Elaine off life support. It’s her fault she’s dead.
“Sweetheart, I’ve talked with the hospital and started making arrangements for Elaine’s funeral. I’ll take care of everything. We can have you packed up and moved into our house by the weekend. I don’t want you to worry about anything.”
“Are you serious? I’m not moving in with you and I don’t want your help with anything for Elaine. I have my own money and since it’s just me, her only family, there’s no need for a funeral. I’ll have a ceremony for her and that’s it. You’re not welcome. I’d like you to leave.” Remembering the guilt from the things I said to my mom, I almost apologize, but I need this anger. If not, I’ll have to admit how broken I am.
Gabriella turned on me. She was supposed to be on my side, have my back for whatever I needed. I need Elaine alive. I need someone to be with me and she took that. All she had to do was not say shit about the DNR and we wouldn’t be here. There’s no forgiving her for this. Gabriella stole my only family away from me.
“Rian,” she starts, but I cut her off.
“No. Please just leave. I’m going home.” I press the call button on the side of my bed. It takes me a second, but apparently I’m also hooked to an IV and I don’t know how to take it out.
When Nina walks in, her eyes plead with me, but I can’t take much more. “Nina, can you please take my IV out so I can go home?”
“Let me ask the doc. You were given a pretty heavy dose of sedation and I’m not sure if you can drive yet.”
“I’ll drive her, if need be.”
“No, I’d rather wait until I can drive on my own. It was nice seeing you again, Gabriella.” Faking niceties in front of Nina isn’t on my agenda, but I can’t deal with all these disapproving eyes on me. It’s just too much. All I can see are my mom’s eyes. Those memories are flooding back and pushing me nearly to the breaking point. If I wasn’t scared of being like Tom, I’d have a shot … or seven.
Gathering her purse, Gabriella heads out the door, pausing to look back at me. “If you need anything, sweetheart, I’m only a phone call away.” I nod to appease her, knowing damn well that I could be on fire and I wouldn’t call her to put me out. Pride’s a funny thing like that.
It’s two more hours before the doctor allows me to leave and drive on my own. He gave me a few samples of some anti-anxiety medication to get me through this, if I need it. I’m sure I will, but for now I’ll leave it tucked away in my purse.
Walking in the front door of the apartment, loneliness hits me harder than I thought. Not even eighteen and I live alone. I’m not sure what I should do about the apartment … live here and finish school? Move somewhere else and go to school? Forget about school all together? It’s something I’ll have to think about. I’ll have to decide what I’m going to do going forward.
I have enough money left from my mom’s estate to get me by for a little while. If I’m cheap and learn to live on a budget, I’m sure it can last me a couple years paying bills and rent.
Once in my bedroom, I dump my purse to find the pills the hospital gave me. The letter I wrote to Garrett three weeks ago falls out last, on top of everything else. I never mailed it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the last time I heard Elaine’s voice. Even though she was scared and in the middle of a heart attack, it was unique to her and I’ll never hear it again.
I rip open the envelope, deciding to not send it now. It doesn’t make sense to send him something that’s a lie. I’m not going to be swimming on a team and there’s no happiness left in my life. The only thing holding me together is knowing in a few short weeks, Garrett will be back and I can hold him.
Garrett. I wonder if he wrote me. I haven’t checked the mail at all; I’m sure it’s overflowing by now. Taking the small key, I open the box in the common area of the building, pulling out stacks of letters and such. Back inside the apartment, I separate them into piles—junk, bills and other stuff. All the way at the bottom is a letter postmarked a week ago from the training base in Oklahoma.
He wrote me and it’s been sitting here for a week. Holding the letter to my chest, it’s comforting to know that he’s touched this. His fingerprints are all over the envelope and his saliva’s on the little strip of glue holding it closed. It’s the closest I’ve felt to him since the moment he left.
Pulling the letter from inside, Garrett’s handwriting stares back at me. Feeling like I need privacy, even though it’s just me—only ever going to be me again—I take it back to my room. I decide to take a shower and change before I read it. I know it sounds silly, but it’s like a book you’ve fallen in love with … you postpone reading the last few pages because you don’t want it to end. That’s how I feel. Once the letter’s finished, it won’t be new and it’ll be over. I want to make this last forever.
Rushing through the only real shower I’ve taken since the whole DNR discovery, I wash my hair and scrub my body. No matter how little time you actually spend in the hospital, you always leave smelling like death. When my hair’s clean and my body’s a nice shade of pink, I wrap myself in a towel and go back to my room.
Staring at the letter sitting on the comforter, I throw on a pair of Garrett’s basketball shorts and tee shirt he sprayed with his cologne before he left. Since I’m going to be close to him, I want the full effect. As soon as the scent of Garrett invades my senses, I’m taken back to the weekend we spent together before he left. A smile crosses my lips as I flop onto my bed and start reading the letter.
Ri,
Hi baby. I got a letter from my mom today telling me about Elaine. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I was there to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. Mom also told me about the fight you guys had. I hope you can make up soon. I love you both and don’t wanna choose sides. I get it, though. Both sides. Just try to understand, for me, that she was doing what she thought was best.
I do have some kinda bad news, but it’s good news, too. The bad part is I won’t be coming home right after basic. I’m going right to job training. It’s a longer course and they want me to start right away. I know it seems bad right now, but it’s gonna set us up for a good life when I’m done. The training is like 26 weeks or something like that. I’ll know more once I’m there. I might get a few days leave, but I’m not exactly sure of when or how long, if that’s even true.
School starts soon anyway and you’ll be busy. Even if I took a job that didn’t have long training, I’d only get a couple days between basic and AIT. Please know I’m doing this for us. I love you and please write me. I need to hear from you.
I love you baby,
Garrett
Twenty-six more weeks? Well, twenty eight if you count the two he has left of BT. That’s like six more months that I have to go without seeing him. He knows everything that I’m going through and he still decides to do this? I don’t even know what to say. I thought, out of everyone I’ve lost, I’d still have him. That’s a lie. Garrett knows that I need him and he chose the Army over me. Is this how it will always be?
I quickly strip out of his clothes, the smell of him making my stomach ache, and put on something of mine t
hat doesn’t reek of Garrett. Curling up in a ball under the blankets, I allow myself to feel everything that’s going on around me. I’m giving myself one day. Just one to be the seventeen-year-old child I am, because tomorrow is a new day and I’m not going to be sad or lonely.
I’m going to make a life for myself. Take care of myself without anyone’s help. Fuck anyone who stands in my way.
It’s me against the world.
Chapter 13
Four Years Later
“Happy Birthday, girl!” Kelsie screams, pouring me a shot.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m twenty-one, not that big a deal. I’ve been drinking for years now,” I respond, taking the glass, clinking it on the bar top, shooting the whiskey and flipping the now empty glass over on the wood.
“Oh come on, everyone’s excited about their twenty-first. I know you’ve been drinking illegally forever, but now you don’t have to use that fake ID anymore.”
Kelsie is a nice enough girl. I met her when I moved after Elaine died. Not wanting to return to my senior year, I dropped out, packed everything I owned and moved back to Lexington. The first thing I did was get a fake ID so I could get a job at the bars. It wasn’t my dream job, but it was something to keep me occupied.
Kelsie owns Crush, the bar just outside town. For being nearly forty years old, she doesn’t look a day over twenty-five. Short blonde hair frames her heart-shaped face, but it’s her youthful looking blue eyes that make her look younger than she actually is. You can tell, just by looking into them, that she’s never experienced half the stuff I have.
She knew immediately that I wasn’t twenty-three when I showed up here looking for a job. Whether it was pity or desperate need of a bar back, she took me in with open arms. I quickly found a one bedroom apartment and started over … again.
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