by Cassia Leo
No way. Hallie’s been trying to set me up with Rory for ages. She wouldn’t have done that if she were carrying on a secret relationship. But then, what else could it be?
I stare at the letter almost too afraid to pick it up again, but I can’t not read it. Just twenty feet away from here, Rory is lying in my bed too tired and heartbroken to function. Even if Hallie told me to keep the contents of this letter a secret, if her confession will help Rory feel better about my sister’s death, then I’ll have to tell her. I have to read this letter for Rory and my mom and dad. And for myself.
I grab the letter off the sink and turn it over to start reading again.
Dear Houston,
First of all, please don’t show this letter to anyone else. Not Mom. Not Dad. And especially not Rory. And please forgive me for what I’ve done, and what I’m about to do…
It all began about twenty-eight months ago. I was sixteen…
The moment I realize what kind of confession Hallie is making, my eyes begin to skim over the details, searching for the words I know I’ll find. And with every paragraph I read, my world turns blacker and my rage grows stronger.
He didn’t have a shirt on… I’d always thought James was handsome… I think I was feeling more vulnerable that day… He said I could wait inside the house… The truth was that I just wanted to watch him.
He didn’t seem to catch on the first three or four times I showed up… But when I showed up at their house a couple of days before the first day of school, he finally caught on… Rory and her mom had left to go shopping… I was so nervous… trying to figure out how I was going to approach him. I knew I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop thinking about him… I wore a short, flouncy skirt… I watched him from the corner of my eye as I crossed and uncrossed my legs… This got his attention… I was so desperate for more praise, I could hardly speak or breathe. But no matter what position I sat in or how many times I scratched an itch, he never said another word to me that night. Over the next twenty-two months, things went on the same way. Occasionally, I’d find myself alone with him and, occasionally, he would compliment me, but he never touched me… Still… I had convinced myself that everything would change when I turned eighteen. And it did.
My stomach coils tightly inside me. I don’t know if I can continue. Do I want to know what happened between Hallie and Rory’s dad? I know if I keep reading, my life will never be the same. But Hallie wanted me to read this, or she wouldn’t have spent God knows how long putting it all down on paper for me. And only me.
I heave a deep sigh and steel myself for whatever comes next as I continue reading.
Rory and I drove to Salem for my eighteenth birthday. We actually went on May 17th, three days after my birthday, because we had to wait until the weekend. We snuck a bottle of Mom’s whiskey out there and got drunk before we went to the Enchanted Forest theme park. It was the best birthday ever. Once we were sober, we drove back to Rory’s and got ready for bed.
About one in the morning, I got out of bed to go to the restroom when I saw a faint glow coming from the staircase… He was in the downstairs office with his computer on. I tiptoed in, but he looked up from his laptop immediately. His eyes scanned my body… I closed the door and locked it just to be safe… he beckoned me to sit on his lap.
He spoke to me softly, asking how my birthday went and how I felt about going away to UO after the summer. With my head resting on his shoulder, he stroked my leg with the tips of his fingers as he spoke. He told me about the case he was working on and it made me feel smart. But I knew if I didn’t make a move, he would probably send me upstairs unsatisfied.
The scent of his skin was crisp and cool like he had just showered, so I took a chance and kissed his neck. He froze and I began to wonder if I had misread his kindness. Maybe he was just comforting me, indulging my schoolgirl crush on my birthday. But then I felt something going on beneath me and I knew he was getting excited.
He told me multiple times that this would only happen once. That he was only doing this because he knew how much I wanted him. And that it could never happen again. But I didn’t care…
Why do you think I got a summer job thirty-five minutes away from home? James and I would meet at a hotel… the worst part was knowing what would happen if Rory ever found out. I reasoned with myself that I would end the affair before it got too serious and way before Rory or her mom found out. When in reality I knew that I was already in way over my head. I had loved James from afar for two years. Now that I had him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to give him up. And in a sick way, this also made me feel closer to Rory.
She’s loved you since she was eleven years old. And I know that if you two ever got together, it would be a dream come true for her. That was the way it was for me, only I was acting out a disgusting schoolgirl fantasy. I was on the verge of destroying a family. And not just anyone’s family, my best friend’s family.
I hated myself throughout the whole thing, but I couldn’t stop. Then Rory and I went off to UO and I tried to pretend to be happy. I even tried going out on a few dates, but I hated all those guys almost as much as I hated myself. Still, I kept pretending.
Then Rory asked me if I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her family… I began to get excited at the prospect of possibly being alone with James again. But when Rory and I arrived the Saturday before Thanksgiving, he was very cold with me.
I thought he was just doing it so as not to arouse suspicion, but when I managed to catch him alone in the garage later that night, he told me very clearly that it was over between us… When Thanksgiving finally came, I tried to sit next to him, but he decided to change seats so he could “carve the turkey at the head of the table.” That was when it finally started to sink in that I had been used…
I mistook this for love. But I was finally starting to realize that I had spent more than two years of my life loving someone who would never love me back. Even worse, I’d spent two years of my life dreaming of a life that would ruin my best friend if it were to come to fruition.
I’ve spent the past week absolutely sick with myself. I hate knowing that I grew up to be as sick as Dad. Absolutely no respect for the sanctity of marriage. I don’t want to live with what I’ve done. And I don’t want Rory to live with it either. That’s why you can never show her this letter. And you need to promise me that you won’t punish her for what James and I did.
I knew what I was doing, which only makes me even more guilty. Please don’t take it out on Rory. She’s the victim in this whole fucked-up scenario. All she’s ever done is love me and trust me, and I couldn’t bear losing her over something like this.
I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. And I’m sorry that you’re the one who had to find me. Please know that I didn’t want to hurt you. I just didn’t want to hurt Rory any more than I already have. Please help Mom and Rory get through this.
I love you always.
Hallie
My blood is pumping with so much fury, I can’t see the words on the page anymore. I want to burst out of the bathroom and into the bedroom to show Rory what a sick, depraved father she has. I want to shove this letter in her face and tell her that she and I will never be together after what he did to my sister. Rory had to have known.
I wrench open the bathroom door and enter the bedroom without trying to be quiet, but Rory is unperturbed by the sound of the latch clicking or the hinges squeaking. She remains dead asleep, as still as Hallie when I entered her dorm today.
In a sudden flash of clarity, I realize there’s no way Rory could have known. That’s why Hallie didn’t want me to show her the letter. And that’s why Rory has literally been knocked out from the news of Hallie’s death. If I show her this letter right now, God knows what it would do to her.
I back out of the room slowly, but the back of my head bumps into the door. “Shit!” I whisper, reaching up to rub my head.
In the bed, Rory begins to stir. I quickly hide the letter b
ehind my back before she opens her eyes. Carefully, I fold it up and tuck it into my back pocket as she comes to.
“What? Where am I?” she whispers, as she looks around and pushes herself up onto her elbow.
I try to think of a clever reply, a thinly veiled jab at the fact that she’s in my home being taken care of by me instead of her disgusting father. But I can’t bring myself to direct my anger at her. Rory’s not the one I want to hurt right now. Her father is the one I want to run over with my truck a few times.
No. Physically assaulting James wouldn’t be enough. He needs to feel the kind of pain I’m feeling right now. He needs to know what it’s like to see someone you love with all your heart lose themselves to the pain and desperation of love. As this thought crosses my mind, I’m hit by an even more sobering realization.
I know what I have to do to hurt James. I have to break Rory’s heart.
Holy fuck. I don’t think I have it in me to do something like that. Especially when all I see when I look at her is a tired, fragile girl who just lost the most important person in her life. But I can’t let James get away with what he did to Hallie. And what he did with Hallie was technically not illegal. Hurting Rory is the only way to hurt him.
I push Hallie’s letter farther down into my back pocket and flash Rory a warm smile as she sits up in bed. “You’re home. Go back to sleep.”
She stares at me for a moment, then she lies back down and turns away from me. I hear a few sniffles as she curls up into a ball, but I don’t stick around to see if she’s okay. I head out of the apartment and back outside into the freezing cold to call my mom. Her friend Lorna answers the phone and tells me my mom is in no condition to speak, but they should be arriving at the hospital in about an hour. They’ll meet me there.
I hang up, trying not to dwell on the fact that my mom is too heartbroken to speak right now. Just like Rory is too heartbroken to do anything. I don’t know if I should wake Rory to go with me to the hospital. I wonder if Rory’s mom has heard the news. If so, is she already on her way? Maybe I should check Rory’s phone for messages, but it’s tucked in the pocket of the coat she’s still wearing.
My biggest fear is that my mom will get to the hospital and they’ll ask her to identify Hallie. My second biggest fear is that Rory’s mom will go to the hospital with him.
I’ll let Rory rest. There’s nothing for her to see at the hospital anyway.
* * *
I enter the apartment six hours later to the sound of silence, and it fills me with dread. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the same way about silence after today. Dropping my keys on the table, I head straight for the bedroom. Rory didn’t try to call me while I was at the hospital, but I don’t know if she has my phone number. Up until today, she was just my little sister’s best friend. The quiet girl with a deep, infectious laugh and a body that could make a grown man weep.
As I push open the bedroom door, I shake my head to clear away the image of Rory’s body pressed beneath mine. I find Rory in bed, lying on her side and facing the door. The blanket I laid over her earlier is bunched up in her arms as she hugs it tightly to her chest. Her eyes find me, but her face quickly contorts with grief and she buries her face in the blanket.
My chest aches watching her from this distance. I want to take her in my arms and tell her that everything’s going to be okay. That I’m going to take care of her. But part of me knows that the closer I allow myself to get to Rory, the more difficult it will be to let her go if I decide I can’t be with her, knowing what her father did. And it will definitely make it more difficult to go through with my plan to hurt her, if I can even bring myself to do that.
I should tell her to look for someplace else to live, but I can’t bring myself to do it. There’s no one else who knows what she’s feeling right now more than I do. And I can’t deny how much I want to take care of her. How much I want to hold her and kiss her and…
I approach the other side of the bed and take a seat on the edge of the mattress. The movement of the bed gets her attention and she looks up at me, eyelids swollen, her nose red and sniffly, cheeks flushed pink, and still as gorgeous as she looked when I first noticed her beauty last Christmas.
“I meant what I said before. This is your home for as long as you need it. You don’t have to rush to find another dorm or off-campus housing.”
Wiping at her face, she sits up and stares at the blanket in her lap as she bunches it up in her fist. “Thank you, but… Why are you doing this?”
Her hand is balled up tightly around the fabric of the blanket, as if she’s holding on for dear life, waiting for me to answer the question. I could tell her I have ulterior motives, but I don’t know if I do. Or I can tell her the truth.
I reach forward and gently lay my hand over hers. “Because you were my sister’s best friend. And she loved you like a sister. And…” She seems to stop breathing when I pause, so I place my other hand under her chin to tilt her face up. “Because I’ve wanted you for almost a year. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned today, it’s that you can’t put off telling someone the things you feel deep down inside. Because the day may come when you don’t have another day.”
Her eyes are wide with shock. “You… want me?”
I scoot closer to her and cup her face in my hands, brushing my thumbs over her moist cheeks, marveling at her delicate bone structure. “I’ve wanted you for a very long time, Rory.”
December 4, 2008
Hearing these words coming from Houston’s mouth is surreal. I feel weightless. As if I’m floating on a dream, looking down on myself. Maybe I am still asleep. This can’t be happening. Because if this is really happening, then that means Houston wants to be with me, and Hallie is really dead.
He leans in until his mouth hovers over mine, so close I can smell the faint musk of melted snow in his hair. I can feel the cloud of warmth each time he exhales and my whole body aches to touch him, to wrap myself around him and become part of him. But Hallie’s name keeps sounding in my mind, a broken-record reminder of why we’re even here.
I would never say yes to Houston unless Hallie was gone.
Hallie is gone.
He whispers softly, his breath stroking my lips. “Do you want me?”
“Yes,” I respond, my voice as thin and wispy as the air between us. “Yes, I want you.”
He presses his lips gently to the corner of my mouth. “How long have you wanted me?”
My eyelids flutter as he drags his supple lips across mine to the other side of my mouth and lays another kiss there.
“For a very… long time.”
He reaches up, firmly clasping either side of my face. The skin of his hands is rough, pressed against my cheeks like leather on satin. My mouth falls open, readying myself for his lips, but he tilts my head to the side and lays a soft trail of kisses from the corner of my mouth to my jaw, then up to my earlobe. The resonance of his breathing reverberates in my skull, each lustful breath a deep rumbling wave crashing inside me as he teases the shell of my ear with the tip of his tongue.
“What do you want me to do to you?” he whispers, sending a crackle of electricity racing down my spine.
The throbbing between my thighs intensifies. I swallow hard as he kisses his way down my neck and his hands move down to unzip the coat I never removed.
“I… I want you… to kiss me.”
A loud gong goes off in my mind as I realize how stupid that probably sounded to someone as experienced as Houston. He probably expected me to say I want him to fuck me. I might as well just carve the word VIRGIN into my forehead.
Houston tilts his head back, his eyebrows screwed up in an adorable expression of confusion. A slight smile tugs at the corner of his pillowy lips. His gaze travels over my face, as if he’s just seeing me for the first time.
“Rory, are you a virgin?”
“Shit,” I mutter, and he responds with a soft chuckle. “Go ahead, laugh. I know it’s stupid.”
“I’m not laughing at that. I’m laughing at your reaction.” He holds on tighter when I try to push his hands off my face. “There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. That’s a good thing. It means you value yourself and…”
“And what?”
He smiles softly and my stomach explodes in a chorus of butterfly wings. “And you also value the person you’ve been waiting for.”
I close my eyes so he can’t see the black fear gripping me. I’m not just afraid of having sex for the first time. I’m afraid of having sex with Houston. I’m terrified it won’t be good… for him. Then he’ll never speak to me again and every time he sees me on campus he’ll remember that awkward moment when he had the worst sex of his life with his sister’s best friend.
He presses his soft lips to my forehead and I open my eyes. “You’ve been waiting for me?”
He’s so close I can see the layer of gritty stubble on his jaw. I want to rub my lips over it until I’m raw and scrubbed clean of every fantasy I’ve ever had involving Houston.
I draw in a deep breath and let it out in a soft whoosh as my gaze falls to his chest. “Yes.”
He tilts my face up again so he can look me in the eye. “Don’t look away from me.” His blue eyes shine with silver ferocity. “Don’t you see what’s happening here?”
“What’s happening?”
His gaze falls to my lips and, I can’t help myself, I wet them so I can see his reaction. The glint in his eye flashes white hot. He wants me. Holy crap. Houston wants to fuck me.
“This is our chance, Rory.” He brushes his lips over my cheekbone then lays a soft kiss on my temple. “You and I… we were both waiting for this.”
The words lodge in my throat, then sputter out like puffs of smoke. “But Hallie.”
His lips skate across my cheek and back to my ear, where he whispers, “Hallie wanted us together.” He nips my earlobe, dragging his teeth over the tender flesh. “You know it and so do I.” He pulls away and his eyes take me in again, his gaze wandering over my hair, my face, my neck, my chest. “You’re so goddamned beautiful.”
