“I bet that warehouse has evidence,” Weldon says, already relaxed in his stance. He never intended to fight, and I’m so grateful that Jaxen has a friend like him. One with patience and understanding. One who knows the pain he’s been through. He puts his hand on Jaxen’s shoulder, and that’s all it takes for Jaxen to back down. That’s all it takes for him to find his place back by my side, his fists put away, saved for another fight.
“There’s no way we can get in that warehouse without getting caught. Not even if we took the others with us,” Jaxen says over his shoulder to Weldon. Fatigue has nestled in the deepest notes of his voice.
“I could go at it alone, stay in the shadows and watch from afar,” Weldon offers.
Jaxen rubs his temples. “No. I need… time. Sleep. Let’s discuss this when we’ve slept on it. I don’t want to make any more rash decisions right now.”
“I understand,” Weldon says, rubbing at his shoulder.
“We can at least talk to Seamus. Show him what we have. Maybe he could send Elites to that location,” I say, not wanting to drop the subject until we reach a decision.
“Maybe,” Jaxen says on a sigh. “Let’s plan on doing that first thing after class with the general. I’ll call ahead and let Seamus know to expect us.”
“Okay,” Weldon says, only looking mildly tired. It makes me wonder if he ever even sleeps. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He leaves the room.
Again, we’re left in silence.
Jaxen looks away from me. Curses under his breath. Tugs through his hair as if he’s trying to pull out the frustrations harboring in his brain. “For a minute, I thought we might not make it out of there,” he finally says. The fear in his words splits me right open.
I reach up and caress his face. “Me too.”
“Why does he always have to be right?”
“He’s not,” I say, wishing I could ease his pain. “He’s just lucky with his guesses most of the time.”
He leans down and runs his lips over mine. I part my mouth, inviting his kiss. His touch is like magic, warming my skin and waking up every hibernating nerve ending in my body. His kisses move from my lips to my cheek, and onto my neck where he settles, nuzzling his face against my skin and curling up against me.
“If we didn’t have to be up in a few hours, I’d finish where we left off. I want to… so bad.”
“But we need to sleep,” I finish for him. “If we want to remain inconspicuous, then we have to seem like we have nothing going on, on the side.”
He exhales against my skin and small chills rise. “Yeah,” he says, his voice slightly groggy.
I settle against him and let my eyes close shut again before slipping off into a dreamless sleep.
MORNING ARRIVES, AND I FEEL like I know death on a personal level.
My eyes are on fire, screaming at me to shut them again. My limbs feel like they’ve been sown to the sheets with no strength left to fight. Sleep has grown hands, and it’s pulling on my mind, offering blankets, warmth, and dreams that I don’t want to wake from.
But then the alarm switches on and sleep releases me.
I still feel the remnants of the dark magic I absorbed the night before.
I still feel it in my fingertips. In my heart. In my mind, and I’m scared because some small part of me wants to feel it again, wants to taste that unfathomable amount of power that gives magic limitless possibilities.
No conscience.
No fear.
No pain.
Just pure freedom.
Freedom to use magic without rules. To seek revenge without any guilt. Freedom to do whatever needs to be done to get the things you want, even if it means stepping over everything and everyone.
If only I could be that free.
Jaxen stirs, and my dark thoughts vanish like a plume of smoke. His hand is wrapped tightly around my waist, holding me close to him, and it almost doesn’t feel real. Like I don’t deserve to have this man, so good and so strong, here with me, holding me as if I’m the most precious, rarest gem on this earth.
But I feel his chest rising and falling, and I know it’s real.
I don’t want to disturb him. I don’t want the leave the safety of this mattress—the safety of his arms. His head’s resting against my back, as if he fell asleep listening to the sounds of my heart, and it makes me smile.
Despite everything that continues to go wrong, he’s the one thing in my life that makes it all better. The one person who I never thought in a million years I’d find and be loved by.
I slowly roll, feeling him stir out of the edges of sleep, until I’m lying face to face with him.
His eyes sluggishly crack open, and then begin to blink, fanning out his dark lashes.
“Morning,” he says with a raspy voice and a sleepy smile.
“Morning,” I say back, reaching around him to shut off the alarm clock. I kiss his cheek, wishing these small moments alone with him could last forever. Wishing for once that I didn’t know the definition of responsibility.
I lay back on my pillow and fight to keep my eyes open. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today.”
He sucks in a deep breath, reaching up to scrub his hands through his hair, and then down his sleep-ridden face. After exhaling and dropping his hands, he says, “I know a Witch vendor who makes a really potent concoction of herbs that’ll take the edge off the sleepiness. We’ll swing by on the way to class.”
“Okay,” I mutter out through a yawn. If I could just have another hour… just one more hour of sleep, I’d be good.
He kisses my forehead, and then sits up, stretching. I can’t help but reach out and touch his skin. Run my fingers over the muscles indenting his back.
He turns back around to face me and says, “I’m gonna go get washed up and changed. Meet you in the hall in ten?”
“Yeah,” I say, wishing I could just pull him back down and hide under the covers with him. But that’s not a possibility. Not when we have to meet with the general.
He kisses my cheek, and then stands, grabbing his jacket off the floor. After he leaves, I get up, take a quick shower, and dress in my uniform. It all happens in a hazy blur. My body is in autopilot mode, driving me through the normal functions. By the time I pull my hair back and slide my boots on, Jaxen’s already knocking on my door. Water drips off his hair when I step out into the hallway.
“Ready?” he asks, his eyes a little bloodshot.
I put my hand over my mouth as I yawn. “Guess so,” I say as we both laugh. Heading down the elevator, we step out into the cool morning air. With only five minutes left to get to class, we rush to the vendor, and then to class, chugging down the drink as fast as we can. I don’t tell him that it tastes like grass when he asks. I don’t have the energy to complain.
I don’t even have the energy to be sad when we pass the Jumbotron and see the fires breaking out around the edges of the Academy in the enchanted forest. The names of the Elites and Watchmen who have been hit by Darkyn Rebel attacks scrolling across.
Twenty-four more names.
Twenty-four more bodies.
Weldon meets us on the elevator looking wide-awake and ready for the day. His golden hair is neatly combed to the side and his uniform looks freshly pressed. “You two look like hell,” he says with a smirk.
Neither of us answer as we continue to finish our drinks. It warms through my entire body, like tiny hands of strength lifting my limbs for me. It’s just enough to give me faith that I can make it through this class without falling asleep. Without slipping up.
When the elevator dings, the general’s waiting outside the classroom with everyone else. “So glad you could join us,” he says curtly, his eyes taking in every detail of our appearance. His lips go thin. His gaze falls flat.
I think he must know. He must have some power I don’t know about that enables him to read secrets because his eyes are so narrow and judgmental. I’m standing here with a flush growing on my cheeks
, and the truth pulsing out behind my eyes. But then he points to the door behind us and says, “Let’s not waste another minute of this beautiful morning. To the roof,” and I feel like I can breathe again as I turn away from him. I feel like my secrets are back in their tiny box, untouched and unharmed.
We turn and head up the stairs without exchanging a word. Maybe Jaxen and Weldon were just as nervous, just as sure that last night’s adventure had been somehow found out, because they’re wearing tension in their shoulders like it’s the new fashion. They’re looking between each other with blinks that speak in a code only they can understand.
I jump when Gavin puts his heavy hand on my shoulder, stuttering like a fool when he asks me how my night went. I exhale in relief when Jaxen pushes the door to the roof open, and I don’t have to answer Gavin because I have to cross the threshold to take my place in line.
“Today, we’re going to address the results of your assessments yesterday, or more frankly… your weak points,” the general says. His voice carries out on the wind. I don’t know why he brought us back up here, but I’m grateful for the fresh air. It helps keep my eyes from drifting shut.
He paces the length in front of us, his presence alone demanding every bit of our attention. It’s hard not to look at him—not to wonder what he knows about us that we don’t. I know that each and every one of us feels the nerves of having their weaknesses spoken out loud. We all wonder who’s going to be his first target.
“You,” he says, stopping in front of Gavin, who was whispering something to Cassie.
Gavin stands back in his place, the smile on his face dimming a little. “Me?” he asks, pointing to his chest.
“You’re the go-to, aren’t you? The man with the plan? The one everyone turns to, correct?”
Gavin smiles confidently, the same smile he always wears. “What can I say? I know how to deliver,” he says surely.
Modesty isn’t his strong point.
The general nods to himself as if he’s taking a mental note. “You don’t really have any fears, do you?”
Gavin shrugs a little. Looks between Jaxen and Cassie, before looking back at the general. “Nothing I can rattle off the top of my head, no,” he says with a grin, shoving his hands in his pocket.
“And you’re confident in yourself and your abilities,” the general continues, still as serious as ever.
Gavin pulls his hand out of his pocket, straightening out his shoulders. “I haven’t failed yet.” He jerks his head around when Jezi and Cassie cough, squinting at them.
Weldon’s chin drops as he tries to hide his smile.
“Where uh-where you going with this?” Gavin asks, this time sounding a little unsure.
The general’s face tightens, and the look he gives shuts everyone up. “You’re so wrapped up in your own ego that you fail to see your own weaknesses,” he answers. “You concern yourself with the rest of these cream puffs, feeding off being the one they look up to, and thinking you’re untouchable. That kind of behavior will get someone killed. Ego is the number one killer of Hunters in this Coven.”
Gavin’s face pales out, and then slowly, shades of red begin to appear.
“Walked right into that one,” Weldon says low enough that only Jaxen and I can hear him. Jaxen elbows him.
The general takes a step closer to Gavin, whose eyebrows are scrunched and chest is puffed out. “There’s a thin line between intelligence and stupidity when it comes to confidence, and that line is labeled doubt. The smart ones are the ones who consistently question what they’re doing, and why they’re doing it. And the dumb ones, well, you can guess where I’m going with this. They, like you, think everything will work out smoothly and never question anything.”
He takes a step back and looks at all the rest of us, his voice picking up to match the wind. “Let this be a prime example to you all. While having confidence is essential to performing well, it’s also essential to never get too cozy in your own skin. Know that in every situation you encounter in life, you can be as prepared as you want to be, but that’s only half the journey. The other half rests in knowing yourself, those around you, and the back-up plan to the back-up plan. You.”
He’s looking at Cassie now. Her eyes widen, and then resort back to a look of confidence.
“You’re the one who puts yourself above everyone else. The one element that you can never plan for because you never see it coming.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cassie says, looking over to Jezi with a snarky look.
“Don’t look at her. Look at me,” the general says, getting closer to Cassie. He’s invading her personal space, pushing against her resistance. “Every choice you made in that simulation all had one common factor—how would it affect your well-being? Am I right?”
She shrinks away from him, shielding her face from all of us.
The general steps away from her, directing his speech back onto all of us. “Here’s another lesson for you—confidence is the strongest wall insecurity has to hide behind, but this wall is built on misguided falsehoods. It’s not impenetrable. Find its weak spot, and you have your opponent.”
He looks over when Weldon lets a snicker slip out.
“You can add yourself into this one, Mr. Jacobsen. Your confidence is a well-used shield you hide behind.”
Weldon purses his lips and rolls his eyes.
The general walks away from Cassie and stops in front of Jezi. She almost shrinks away from him. “You just need to focus more on everything and less on your affinity partner’s love life.”
She breathes out in relief when he walks away from her.
Jaxen doesn’t move when the general stops in front of him. They stare at each other for what feels like forever, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. All I know is that someone could jump off this building and I wouldn’t see them because I’m that focused on the general and Jaxen. I’m that curious, but more so scared, to hear what he has to say.
“Jaxen Gramm,” the general says, taking his time with the syllables. If dragging things out were an art form, he would be the master of it. “You’re the wounded bird. The martyr. The one with everything to lose and nothing to gain.” He tugs on his mustache, eyes scanning over Jaxen. “You think you can swallow everyone’s pain. Walk every hard path for those you care about to try to spare them hurt.” He lets go of his mustache and stands straight. “I’ve got news for you. It’s not your job to carry their burdens, but to carry your own. And I know you have plenty.”
Jaxen freezes as the general looks over at me.
I feel pinned on the spot, like a fly caught in a trap. I don’t like it. My instinct is to squirm under his gaze, but I refuse to. I refuse to let him think he has power over me—to let him tell me how weak I am.
I’m sick of being predicable.
“She could be strong,” the general says, keeping his eyes locked on mine even though he’s still talking to Jaxen. “Stronger than anything this Coven has ever seen before, but you’re the one thing holding her back.”
I struggle to accept the compliment wrapped up in a neatly tied insult.
Jaxen’s eyes press into a flat line, and I fear for the general. “Hold her back? I do everything I can to protect and help her.”
The general finally looks away from me, and I feel like I can breathe again. “And your version of protection and help reverts back to the reason Hunters, especially male Hunters, have such a bad reputation. You strip her of her strengths by making her feel as if she needs you in order to function. By thinking she can only be strong if you deem her so. You need to have faith in those around you. Let them carry some of the weight. Give them the respect they deserve by lending out your trust.”
Jaxen’s pain is my pain, and it’s like someone pinning me against the wall by my throat. It’s like being forced to watch every awful moment of your life repeatedly in a room you can never leave.
“It’s not his fault,” I say. I can’t take another mi
nute of his words… of his observations.
“No?” the general says with mild intrigue.
“No.” I stick my chin in the air when he steps to me. “I’m the one who chooses how I truly see myself. Jaxen doesn’t strip me of my internal strength… I do. Confidence has to come from within, and I’m working on it.”
The general toys with his mustache again, digesting my words. “You’re right.”
His mouth opens and closes. He’s treading careful through the forest of my frail emotions, and it makes me feel ashamed. I don’t want to be viewed as wounded soul. I don’t want to live on eggshells anymore.
“You are responsible for your own confidence, but as much as he coddles you, there’s no way for you to have a chance to build it on your own. Not when you’re putting his life before your own, and before the greater good of this Coven. Love is blurring your decision-making skills, and it’s not a healthy mix. Not in our line of business. Not when the fate of this Coven rests in your hands.”
“Back off and cut her some slack,” Gavin says tightly.
The general snaps on him. “I don’t say this to hurt or offend any of you. I say this because you need to know the truth before you can be the best warrior you can be. Now, I want each of you to head back to the simulation room. I’ve formulated programs around each of your weaknesses. These, you will go at alone.”
We all turn for the door.
“Dude lost his mind a long time ago,” Gavin says as he passes through the door.
“I think he’s egotistical,” Cassie says to Jezi, following behind Gavin.
“I don’t think you want to hear what I think,” Weldon says to Jaxen and me as we approach the door.
“You three,” the general says from behind us.
Weldon, Jaxen, and I freeze.
“Do you have something you want to tell me?”
Weldon is the first to turn around. I already know by the smirk on his face that his next words carry a shovel just waiting to dig his hole deeper. “I do actually,” he says with a deliberate smile. “I love your method of teaching. That whole ‘break you down, poke your flaws’ thing… it’s so, I don’t know, refreshing.”
Evernight (The Night Watchmen Series Book 2) Page 23
