by Leil Lowndes
How to Make Anyone Fall in Love
with You
Leil Lowndes
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lowndes, Leil. How to make anyone fall in love with you / Leil Lowndes.
Page iv
p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-8092-3211-1 1. Love. 2. Man-woman relationships. 3. Intimacy (Psychology) 4. Sexual excitement. I. Title. HQ801.L69 1996 306.7—
dc20 CIP
96-14502
Page iii
To fulfill the promise of the title, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with Youoffers 85 techniques based on scientific studies into the nature of romantic love.
CONTENTS
Page v
Page vii
11 Anyone? Yes, Practically Anyone
Science "Discovers" Sex 2
4 How the Techniques Were Developed 5
How I Tested the Techniques 7
29 What Makes People Fall in Love? The Six Elements
How More Research Was Compiled
What Makes People Fall in Love? The Six Elements I. First Impressions 9 II. Similar Character, Complementary Needs 10
III. Equity
11
IV. Ego 12
V. Early-Date Gender-Menders 13
VI. Rx for Sex 14
3 17
The Physical Side of Falling in Love "Why Do My Insides Go All Funny?" "Does Somebody Have to Be Pea-Brained to Fall in Love with Me?" 17
"Why Do We Fall in Love with One Person and Not Another?" 18 "How Can These Little Things Start Love?" 19
Page viii
4 23 Where Are All the Good Men and
Women?
23 5 25
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places Does Love at First Sight Exist?
Part One: First Impressions You Never Get a Second Chance at Love at First Sight
6 29 How to Make a Dynamite First
Impression
First Impressions Last Forever 29
17
First Impressions Last Forever 29 Be Ready for Love—Always! 30 Stay Psychologically "Fit to Kill"
32
7 35 How to Ignite Love at First Sight
How Much Eye Contact Does It Take to Imitate Love?
37
How to Get Sexy "Bedroom Eyes" 39
How to Awaken Primal, Unsettling, Sexy Feelings in Your Quarry 41
Naughty Eyes Are So Nice 42
8 45
Your First Approach The Gentle Art of Pickup (Not for Men Only) Hunters, Make the First Move . . .
Fast 46 Huntresses, Make the Fast Move . . . First 49
First Moves That Work for Women 50
9 53 Your First Body Language
Let Your Body Do the Talking
53
When You Are Quarry 56
The Word That Can Save Your Relationship 57
"But This Is So Basic!" 60
10 61
Your First Conversation Conversation Is Making Beautiful Music Together Conversatio n Is Like Making Love 62
45
61
Conversatio n Is Like Making Love 62 Conversation Is Like Selling 62 How to Know What Topics Turn Your Quarry On 65
Page ix
68 Get Even Closer by Giving the Gift of Intimacy 70
Make Your Lifestyle "Fit" Your Quarry's Lovemap 71 11 75
Your First Date The Game Begins in Earnest 75
76 "Playing Hard to Get—Should I, or Shouldn't I?"
77 The Scientifically Proved Best First Date 79 Give Your Quarry First-Date Butterflies 80 82 First-Date Restaurant Smarts 82 Hunters, Some Spit and Polish for Your P's and Q's 84 Huntresses, Forgive His Foibles 85 87 "I Haven't Got a Thing to Wear" 87
Part Two: Similar Character, Complementary Needs I Want a Lover Just Like Dear Old Me (Well, Almost)!
How to Fool Your Quarry into Thinking You Two Are Already in Love
"How Soon Should I Make My Move?"
Plant the Seeds of Similarity
First-Date Duds
Want a Lover Just Like Dear Old Me (Well, Almost)!
12 93 "It's You and Me, Baby, Alone Against This Mad, Mad World"
Similarity . . . and a Touch of Difference (Just a Touch) 94 13 97
How to Establish Subconscious
Similarity How to Instantly Make Your Quarry Feel,
"Why, We're Just Alike!" 97 Words to Give Your Quarry "That Family Feeling" 98
101 14 105
How to Establish Conscious Similarity The Three Crucial Conscious Similarities 105 Let's Talk About Our Relationship—Not! 113
15 117 How to Establish Complementary
Needs
"I Got Just What You Need, Baby" 117
Part Three: Ego How Do You Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways
16 123 The World Revolves Around You, My Quarry
Ego Massage Is a Highly Skilled Craft 124
17 127 Step One: Silent Praise
"We Even Speak the Same (Body) Language"
Page x
Step One: Silent Praise Let Your Body Do the Praising 127
18 129 Step Two: Empathy
"I Can Identify with That!" 129
Lovers Share Intimate Details
131
Lovers Have Private Jokes 133
19 137
Step Three: Admiration
"Oh Honey, You Did an Absolutely Superb Job Slicing These 137 Mushrooms"
20 141 Step Four: The Implied Compliment
"You're Much Too Young to Remember This, But . . ." 141
The Bull's-Eye Booster: "I Just Love What You Like About Yourself" 142 21 145
Step Five: The Big Guns "You Are the Most Fascinating Person I've Ever Met" "What Does Giving a Killer Compliment Do for Me?" 146
22 149 Fine-Tuning the Ego Machine
"Wait a Minute. Does Everybody Like Compliments?" 149 Knee-Jerk Praise: "What You Just Did Was Fabulous" 150
151 Lovers Give Each Other Pet Names 152 When Your Quarry Praises You 153
Have the First Laugh
145
23 155 Keeping the Love Coals Warm
"I Love the Way You Wrinkle Your Nose When You Laugh" 155 Part Four: Equity The WIIFM
Principle of Love (What's
in It for Me?)
24 161 Everybody's Got a Market Value,
Baby
Why Is Finding Love Like Horse Trading? 162
Wha t Currency "Buys" a Good Partner? 163 25
167
How Can I Use the Equity Principle to Find Love?
You Really Don't Want to Marry the Handsome Prince or the Beautiful Princess
"Why Don't I Want to Marry Up?
167
168
"What Happens if Inequity Strikes After We're Married?" 170
26 173
How Important Are Looks? What Type of Looks Do Women Like? 174 What Type of Looks Do Men Like? 175
"How Can I Make My Quarry Think I'm Better Looking?"
176
How to Beef Up Your Odds on Making the Kill 179
27 181
Pursuing Rich and Famous Prey
Page xi
Pursuing Rich and Famous Prey The Look of Money 181 The Sound of Class 182
184 Use Status Words with Status Prey 185
28 Upping Your Ante in Other Assets
Knowledge, Social Graces, and Inner Beauty Are Tangible Assets 187
Page xii
191
What Does the U Crowd Talk About?
29 189 Help Them Convince Themselves That They Love You
Let Your Quarry Do Favors for You 189
Hey! What About "O Lyric Love
, Half Angel and Half Bird"?
Part Five: Early-Date Gender-Menders Is There Love After Eden?
30 195 "I Hope He or She's Not a Jerk Like All the Others"
"I Want a Man I Can Talk to, a Woman Who Thinks Like a Man" 196
31 199 What Is "Man Talk" and What Is
"Woman Talk"? (Does It Exist?) 32 203 "How Do You Feel About That?"
33 207 "Excuse Me, Could You Tell Me Where . . ."
"Excuse Me, Could You Tell Me Where . . ."
34 209 "Please, Spare Me the Details"
35 213 "Tell Me (Don't Tell Me) About It"
36 217 "What's the Best Way to Get from Point A to Point B?"
"A Straight Line!" He Declares; "A Gentle Curve?"
She Asks 217 37 221
"Could You Give Me a Hand with This?"
38 225 Little Words to Win Your Quarry's Heart
39 227 Are There Dangerous Waters Ahead in the Gender Gap?
Page xiii
Part Six: Rx For Sex How to Turn On the Sexual Electricity
40 231 Your Quarry's Hottest Erogenous Zone 41 233 No Two Sexualities Are Alike, as No Two Snowflakes Are Alike
235 Why Are Men's and Women's Fantasies So Different? 235 Yet More Differences 236 How to Use Differences to Make Your Quarry Fall in Love with You 237
How Do Men's and Women's Sexual Desires Differ?
How to Use Differences to Make Your Quarry Fall in Love with You 237 42 239
Forget the Golden Rule Between the
Sheets Men in Lust, Women in Love 240
43 243 Hunters, Make Love to a Woman as a Woman Wants It
The One-Hour Lesson That Will Change Your Life 243
247 44 253
Huntresses, Have Sex with a Man as a Man Wants It Let's Go to the Videotape 254 Additional
''Coarse'' Materials for Your Raw Sex Curriculum 257
45 259 A Quiz: Who Loves More, Men or
Women?
46 263 Your Quarry's Sexual Desires Are as Individual as a Thumbprint
Sex Is Like a Steak 266 The Number One Sexual Wish 267
Another Crash Course in Steamy Sensuality for Men
"Why Did He or She Lose Interest?"
268
Page xiv
"Is This Woman Enough for Me Sexually for the Rest of My Life?" 269 47 273
Huntresses, Become a Sexual Sleuth Let Your Quarry Know You're a Sexual Adventurer 275
Let Your Quarry Know You're a Sexual Adventurer 275 Uncover His Core Fantasies 276 Make Your Quarry Feel Safe Sharing His Deepest Desires 276
The Hot Purr Follow-Up
279
Do All Men Have a Sexual Secret? 280
Ask Knock-His-Socks-Off Details Questions 281
Huntresses, Discover His Trigger Words 283
Give Your Quarry Good Bed Rap
286
48 289
Hunters, Do These Techniques Work with
Women?
Peel Back Her Layers and Lay Bare Her Deeper Fantasies 290
Love Her as She Needs to Be Loved 293
Magic Words to Make Her Love You 294
295 49 297
Finally, Snaring the Confirmed Bachelor Why Do Jerrys Want Such Far-Out Sex? 299 A Walk on the Weird Side 301
50 303 On Looking at Other Women
51 307 The Final Stone Unturned
Page xv
Huntresses, Relationship Trigger Words Work for You, Too
Afterword 311
Afterword
1
311 313 318
Page 1
"I don't get it.. I'm attractive, smart, sensitive, accomplished. Why doesn't he or she flip for me?
Why can't I find love?" How many times have you beat your fists on the pillow asking yourself this question?
You open this book skeptically, yet harboring hope, for the solution. You read the titleH:ow to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You .
"That's a mighty big promise," you say. Indeed, it is.
But the promise of this book is yours if you are willing to follow a scientifically sound plan to capture the heart of a Potential Love Partner.
Why, when history is strewn with broken hearts, do we now claim the means to make someone fall in love with us? Because, after centuries of resistance, science is finally unraveling what romantic love actually is, what triggers it, what kills it, and what makes it last.
Just as ancient tribesmen saw an eclipse and thought it was black magic, we looked at love and thought it was enchantment. Sometimes, especially during those first blissful moments when we want to stop strangers on the street and cry out, "I'm in love!" it may feel like enchantment, but, as we enter the 21st Page 2
century, we are discovering that love is a definable and calculable blend of chemistry, biology, and psychology. (And, well, maybe alittleblack magic thrown in.)
As science sets sail in previously unknown seas, we are at last beginning to understand the rudiments of that "most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions," as George Bernard Shaw described love.
And what makes people want to stay in that "e xcited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part"? The question, and the quandary, of ' Precisely what is love?" is not new. It is one that has been given serious consideration throughout the ages by cerebral heavyweights like Plato, Sigmund Freud, and Charlie Brown.
In the darkened Broadway theater in 1950, the audiences of South Pacific were in total harmony with Ezio Pinza when he pondered, "Who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons. Wise men never try." Well, recently, many wise men and womehnave tried, and succeeded.
Don't blame Rodgers and Hammerstein. When they were composing romantic musicals, the scientific community was as perplexed about love as Nellie and Emile de Becque singing their bewilderment about some enchanted evening.
Science "Discovers" Sex
Long before Sigmund Freud tackled the subject, analytical scientific minds agreed that love was basic to the human experience. But their rational brains also deemed that evaluating, classifying, and defining romantic love was impossible and therefore a waste of time and money. Freud went to his deathbed declaring, "We really know very little about love."
His dying words remained the scientific doctrine. At least until the early 1970s when a pioneer-spirited band of social psychologists took up the scientists'
constant cries owf hy? and how? They began asking themselves—and everybody they could lure into their laboratories—questions about romantic love.
Page 3
Two women psychologists made a breakthrough by inadvertently focusing the attention of the modern press on the ancient question of "What is love?" Ellen Berscheid, PhD, with a colleague, Elaine Hatfield, managed to wangle an $84,000 federal grant to study romantic love. Berscheid convinced the National Science Foundation to open its coffers by declaring,
"We already understand the mating habits of the stickleback fish. It is time to turn to a new species."
Berscheid's study, like others before, might have gone unnoticed and unpublished, except for a dozen or so pages in an obscure professional journal.
Fortunately for love seekers everywhere, one morning on Capitol Hill, former United States Senator William Proxmire of Wisconsin was going through his papers. Buried deep in the pile was the NSF's "frivolous" grant to two women to study relationships.
Proxmire hit the dome! Eighty-four thousand dollars to studwy hat ? He dashed off an explosive press release announcing that romantic love was not a science and, furthermore, he roared, "National Science Foundation, get out of the love racket. Leave that to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Irving Berlin." Proxmire then added a personal note: "I'm also against it because I donw'tant
the answer." He assumed everyone felt the same.
How wrong he was!
Proxmire's reaction set off an international firestorm that raged around Berscheid for the next two years.
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it.Natio
nal Science Foundation Tackles Love !" Newspapers had a field day. Cameras and microphones zeroed in on Bersche id with gusto. The quiet researcher's office was swamped with mail.
Proxmire's potshot at love had backfired. Instead of putting an end to the "frivolous pursuit," his brouhaha generated tempestuous interest in the study of love.
James Reston of thNe ew York Times declared that if Berscheid et al. could find "the answer to our pattern of romantic love, marriage, disillusion, divorce—and the children left behind—it would be the best investment of federal money since Jefferson made the Louisiana Purchase."
Page 4
It was as though Ellen Berscheid had pulled her finger out of the dike. Ever since, there has been a torrent of studies scrutinizing every aspect of love.
Respected social scientists with names like Foa, Murstein, Dion, Aron, Rubin, and many others relatively unknown outside the scientific world have given us an as-yet-unopened gift—a gift we will unwrap now: The results of their labors, their studies, teach us (although that was not their purpose) how to make somebody fall in love.
Granted, some of the studies don't guide us directly to that goal. To find the relevant studies, I had to comb through hundreds of scientific probings with cumbersome titles such as "The Implications of Exchange Orientation on the Dyadic Functioning of Heterosexual Cohabitors." (Huh?) Some studies had mice listening to classical music, then jazz and blues, to see which made them horn1ieOr.ther studies which were worthless to our goal explored sexual attraction to corpses2,and then there
were studies on tantric motionless intercourse3,which, I assumed, works only when a couple's honeymoon cruise ship hits rocky seas.
Happily, many studies bore tastier and more practical fruit. Especially helpful were studies by an intrepid researcher named Timothy Perper, a PhD who spent many hours observing subjects in his favorite laboratory, called a "singles' bar." We also benefit from brilliant examinations by Robert Sternberg and his colleagues who explored theories of love. We learn from insightful early explorations into the elements of infatuation by Dorothy Tennov and others. There were courageous, if relatively unknown, researchers like Carol Ronai. She actually took a job as a table dancer in a topless bar to record what facial expressions turn men on4.
How More Research Was Compiled
My own firsthand research, although less daring, was no less vigorous. For more than ten years, before becoming a communications consultant and trainer, I was director of a research group I founded called The Project.
