by Leil Lowndes
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People don't only observe other people. They observe themselves. A great part of our self-perception and what we believe we feel comes from watching our own action4s6. Thus, if we do something for another person that is in itself unrewarding, our self-talk tells us it means we really love them.
If you get up early to drive your Quarry around or find yourself giving her gifts, you must be doing it because you are in love. Why else would you put yourself out or spend your hard-earned money? This translates into the following technique to boost your Quarry's perception that he or she is in love with you.
TECHNIQUE #56:
LET HIM OR HER DO FAVORS FOR YOU
Let your Quarry do little favors for you and give you gifts. Thank him or her, but don't appeartoograteful.
Act as though it is perfectly logical for your Quarry to be putting himself or herself out for you.
To restore cognitive consistency , your Quarry will be convinced that he or she must really love you.
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A word of warning: Don't go overboard with this one.
If you do, it could tip the delicate balance. If your Quarry feels he or she is doingtoomuch, the relationship could capsize and sink.
Hey! What About "O Lyric Love, Half Angel and Half Bird"?
"Where," you might well ask, "does the purity, the beauty, and the selfless kind of love come in? What about couples who pledge eternal love, till death do us part—and mean it?"
We can, of course, achieve that beautiful love—in time. Actually, the lyric love Robert Burns wrote about and the fundamentally practical, egocentric discoveries scientists have made about love are not totally incompatible. Many couples stay together, stay happy, and stay in love for a lifetime, but if you look above their heads, you'll see the great scorecard in the sky. There is probably a balance in what each partner brings to the relationship.
Often there are subjective values that outsiders can't see. At any isolated point in time, the relationship can appear inequitable to strangers. When partners commit to a lifetime
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relationship, it's no longer tit for tat on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. The scorecarcdan become unequal for a while. For instance, a wife may support her husband while he goes through medical school. She's in the superior position for a few ye ars, and he's getting the better deal. Then, when he has his degree, he is expected to either finance her education or support the family in style to even the score.
What about relationships that seem very one-sided for a long time, such as a loving husband or wife who selflessly cares for an ailing partner in their later years? Well, years spent together actually become one of the assets brought to the relationship. You might not think of it in those terms, but the care-giving partner is paying back the beloved spouse for the years of happiness received in the relationship.
Once two people who love each other have made a commitment, the boat can stay afloat even if it tilts in one direction. But it must rock back the other way before they reach the ultimate balance and can hope for a smooth journey. A person can accept favors for a while from a partner, but the truly wise ones pay back to keep the balance of assets in the relationship on a par.
Why have I placed such emphasis on exploring this philosophy? Upon this rock-solid foundation, equity, we build many of the techniques to make someone fall in love with you. In fact, all of the techniques in this book are designed to boost your value in lo ve relationships to make your Potential Love Partner fall harder, faster.
PART FIVE
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EARLY-DATE GENDER-MENDERS IS
THERE LOVE AFTER EDEN?
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the Others'
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Did you see the 1977 movieAnnie Hall? When Diane Keaton is out with Woody Allen for the first time, a little bubble comes out of her head, saying, "I hope he's not a jerk like all the others." During the first moments of meeting you, your Quarry is hoping the same about you.
Early love is a delicate little flower. Its tiny petals are often crushed when one of the partners unknowingly commits a small blooper on the first date and turns the other off. A stupid joke, the slurping of a Coke, an unintended insult, all can abort the takeoff and leave a new relationship burning on the side of the runway. Later in the love affair the same blooper might amount to no more than a slightly uncomfortable air pocket.
The fumbles we will explore here are gender-specific, and many are new unacceptables. With the emerging equality of men and women, actions that used to be taken for granted now drive the opposite sex bonkers.
In another era, another society, another economy, a man could get away with spending every Friday night with the boys or whipping out a cigar at the table. His lady was expected to smile pleasantly as the smoke asphyxiated her. There was a time when a woman was expected to have
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no aspirations outside the home and to be interested only in "woman-talk." Men felt self-righteous leaving the women to "pratter" as they retired into the den to deliberate on really important issues, like which cigar had the best flavor.
Times have changed. What used to be a resigned,
"Well, boys will be boys!" or "Isn't that just like a woman?" is now grounds for your Quarry to depart for greener pastures. Today, Huntresses demand a sensitive man who will share their feelings.
And Hunters envision a superwoman who gives them great company, great kids, great compassion, and great orgasms.
Does this new breed of sensitive man and superwoman exist? The question is academic, because it's not reality but your Quarry'sperceptions we're dealing with. This section gives you techniques to
convince your Quarry that you are indeed that extraordinary individual. You are a sensitive man.
You are a superwoman.
Hunters, when you use some of the words and ideas I'm going to suggest, your Quarry will say to herself,
"At last, a sensitive man—one who understands me and I can talk to." Huntresses, when your Quarry hears some of the following words and sentiments coming from your feminine lips, he
will say, "At last, a sensible woman—one who understands me and I can relate to. This woman is really special. I think I'm in love."
This section is especially valuable for capturing the heart of a gun-shy Quarry who, because he or she is fearful of relationships, often runs at the first sign of stereotypical gender behavior. We will talk about the most common gender-specific fatal fumbles which usually appear on first dates and eat away at early love. I will show you how to avoid these pitfalls or at least not get thrown out of the game on a stupid penalty.
"I Want a Man I Can Talk to, a Woman Who Thinks Like a Man"
We spot the gender gap very early, in nursery schools and kindergartens all across America. In the middle of the room,
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little boys are bashing other little boys. Meanwhile, around the nursery, little girls are sharing toys and holding deep communion with other little girls.
Unfortunately, the same gap splits many middle-class parties of marrieds right down the middle. The men stand center stage arguing sports or politics, and the women, seated around the room, are supportively chatting with each other. Why the division? It's simply because men enjoy talking about certain subjects and women fancy others. Additionally, men have different styles of talking than women do.
How can we translate this cleft into a technique to capture your Quarry? Learn how to captivate the opposite sex with your conversation. Discover what subjects interest him or her.
Hunters, to help a woman fall in love with you, look like a man, work like a man, walk like a man, talk deep-voiced like a man—but be sensitive like a woman. Intelligently discuss subjects which interest her. Huntresses, to help a man fall in love with you, look like a woman, smile like a woman, smell like a woman, speak softly like a woman—buthink like a man. Intelligently discuss subjects that interest him.
Men, don't be frig
htened that you will sound effeminate discussing the subtleties women excel at, such as insights into people and their feelings. Being a fascinating conversationalist to a woman definitely does not detract from your masculinity. It merely makes you multidimensional and engrossing to talk to. Women, don't be concerned that discussing subjects the boys like makes you sound like one of the boys. Hearing subjects and sentiments close to a man's heart coming from your softly rounded feminine lips makes you a fascinating woman. He'll think you're different from the rest of the females he's dated—a high compliment coming from a man.
How men and women differ in communication styles could, and has, filled volumes. I highly recommend you read a book dedicated to gender differences to give you a more indepth understanding of men, women, and why they communicate so differently.
Some excellent ones have been written by John Gray and Deborah Tannen, among others.
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God revealed a cold and hard fact to us back in the Garden of Eden. Quite simply, He made men and women different. (One wonders if, in all His wisdom, He realized quite how different His creatures would turn out to be!)
John F. Kennedy said, "If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." Let us alter one word of that sage advice.
Hunters, Huntresses, if we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for love. The following techniques are a good start.
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Decades of denial aside, men and women do enjoy discussing different subjects. All gender comments are generalizations, to be sure, but, usually, women are more people-centered and men are more thing—
centered. Men enjoy talking about cars, gadgets, tools-about how something is made, how it works, how they can fix it, what its effect is, and how they control it. More intellectual men expand thingsto include ideas and concepts. But they still discuss how these concepts work, how they can fix them, how they affect the world, and how much power they have over them! Men exchange facts and opinions like trading cards. They like to play "Who can trump whom?" with the cards. This competitive aspect of men's conversation is not advisable for a woman to emulate, but Huntresses, brushing up on sports, politics, cars, and computers increases your chances of communicating well with men. If you learn how to hold your own with some men by bantering about saber saws and power drills, you will be a fascinating lady indeed.
When I was in high school, the literature on gender differences was limited to obscure studies, but my mother somehow intuitively knew about the cavernous conversational gap. The boys talked about cars, and the girls talked about boys.
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That left us girls at a conversational disadvantage on our dates. After a disastrously silent evening with a boy (we called themboysin those days, not guys), I cried in my mother's lap. I told her I couldn't think of anything to talk about and had been frozen with shyness. My mother stroked my hair, dried my tears, and told me she'd have a surprise for me the next day that would help. I believed in Mama and expected a miracle. Even if she had to fly a chunk of the Blarney Stone in from Ireland so I could kiss it and get the gift of gab, she'd pull through for me.
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Talk"? (Does it Exist?)
TECHNIQUE #57 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
BRUSH UP ON MAN-TALK
Take a conversational cruise across the gender gap.
Huntresses, become conversant in concepts, politics, objects, big toys, sports, and other male subjects.
Show him you're smart, but remember—nottoo smart.
Pull through she did. Better than the Blarney Stone, she bought me a book on cars—all the current models.
I became something of an expert on the differences between Chevys, Fords, and Buicks. I could even discuss what went on under the hood. It got so I could keep up my end of the conversation when the subject turned (as it inevitably did) to carburetors, alternators, camshafts, and exhaust manifolds.
Mama's book got my self-confidence with boys humming. Huntresses, you may not find discussing cars, facts, sports, business, and politics as interesting as psychology, philosophy, relationships, reactions, and trends, but your Quarry will find you a more intriguing woman if you can hold your own while pitching phenomenons and numbers around with him.
A man in one of my seminars told me that the reason he asked his current girlfriend out was because, when they met,
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they had an engrossing discussion of whether slip-joint or round-nosed pliers would be better to have in a basic tool kit. He added, of course, thathewon the argument. Huntresses, you want to be smart in male subjects. But not smarter than your Quarry. Does this sound like outdated fifties retro-pap advice? Of course it does, but it still holds. I learned this the hard way a long time ago.
On the evening of my high school prom, my date arrived on my doorstep. He pinned a corsage on my padded bust. I took his arm and we walked to his car.
It wouldn't start. Thanks to Mama's book, I suspected the problem. I looked under his hood and made a silent analysis.
I then ran out into the street and flagged down a taxi.
Not to take us to the dance, but to borrow the driver's jumper cables. Tottering in my first pair of high heels, I attached jumper cables to my date's dead battery and got his car engine purring. I knew he would be impressed.
He never called again.
I recently told this story to a male friend and, in a truly candid moment, he empathized with my poor humiliated date. Eventual equality aside, some things will never change.
TECHNIQUE #58 (FOR HUNTERS):
BRUSH UP ON "WOMAN-TALK"
Hunters, make your conversation more
psychologically oriented. Converse with your Quarry in terms of people, feelings, philosophy, rationale, and intuition.
Be more supportive and less competitive in yo ur insights.
Hunters, here's a similar suggestion for you.
Generally, women have excellent insights into people, their problems, and their responses to various situations. They often talk about
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health, the arts, personal growth, and sometimes spiritual subjects. When discussing their work, women are more apt to explore how individuals work together and what constitutes a smooth and supportive work environment, not who's on top and who's on bottom. Learn to thoughtfully probe feelings.
Gentlemen, pick up a copy ofPsychology Today , a magazine with a readership of intelligent women. It's an excellent way to brush up on what subjects are hot for women.
These are generalizations, to be sure. There is always the man who enjoys discussing the deeper aspects of human relationships and the woman who enjoys a tough political argument. You'll spot these rare birds, but they'll be hard to catch. The insightful man will be in the company of beautiful women, and the clever woman will already be dating some heavy hitters.
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Ever since they were little girls, women have shown spooky intuition when picking up on subtle tones of voice and facial expressions. The gentle sex is eerily expert at knowing how someone feels. A man, conversely, can't pick up on a sad face until his tie is drenched in his partner's tears.
Perhaps that's why women discuss feelings and men (because they're no darn good at it) seldom bring up the subject. Women, when talking with their friends, often ask each other how they feel about a certain situation. (The last time some men used the wordfeelwas when they told their high school buddies they got to feel up a girl in the backseat.) Hunter, you will distinguish yourself as a rare man indeed, if, while a woman is talking, you interject the elementary question, "How dofeelabout that?" You can ask the question about practically anything. Say she is talking about her home or something her sister did, her father said, or her friend asked. Maybe she's telling you about her job, what her boss said, or what her coworker did. No matter what she is discussing, she has feelings on the subject and, unlike you, she is probably more in touch wi
th those feelings. She can articulate them better.
Here is a foolproof technique to make a woman perceive you as a truly sensitive man.
TECHNIQUE #59 (FOR HUNTERS): "HOW DO
YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?"
Hunters, whatever she is discussing, simply ask,
"How do you feel about that?" Go ahead, force yourself.
After she pulls her jaw back up to get it operable, she will respond enthusiastically.
Huntresses, can you ask a man how he feels about a particular situation? Sure, but early in a relationship, he will probably consider it an irrelevant female question. He might give you a one- or two-word answer which you, of course would interpret as abrupt. Things could spiral down from there. Men simply don't usually think first about their feelings, just as you are not as comfortable thinking in competitive terms.
Suppose, in conversation with a man, you tell him how, instead of one of your female coworkers, you got a promotion. The man suddenly asks, "Good going. How did you tromp her?" The question would take you aback. Your internal dialogue would probably say, "Well, I didnt'tromp her. I simply was given the promotion because I deserved it." You would, of course, answer him politely, but the competitive male nature of his question would not endear him to you.
Women tend to be less competitive. They enjoy winning, but no special sense of victory comes from the defeat of the loser. His asking "How did you tromp her?" is not a question women readily relate to. Likewise, "How do youfeelabout" a certain situation is not a question a man can readily relate to.
Unless you are talking with one of the rare men who enjoys exploring his feelings, play it safe. Save your feelings questions for later in the relationship—much later.
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TECHNIQUE #60 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
DON'T EXPLORE ' FEELINGS' TOO EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP
