by Leil Lowndes
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Huntresses, when you ask your Quarry to give you a hand, watch your words. The subtleties that seep up out of the smoldering communications gap are endless. For example, Huntresses, suppose you're at the beach with your Quarry. You pull your sunglasses out of your beach bag and, whoops, the little screw that holds the earpiece to the rim falls out. You look up at your mechanically minded boyfriend and say sweetly, "Could you fix this for me?"
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TECHNIQUE #71 (FOR HUNTRESSES): ASK
WOULD NOTCOULD
Huntresses, this is subtle stuff indeed, but saywould instead of couldwhen asking your Quarry for favors.
When he hears could, the competitive beast hears a challenge to his experitise, not a request fo r his valuable services.
If he takes the sunglasses out of your hand and gruffly says, "Of course I can," you may think he's being a tad brutish. But he hasn't heard your request the way you meant it. The male brain hears couldliterally as "Are youableto fix this for me?"
That' s a veiled challenge. It's asking him if he is capable of helping you.
Say, "Would you give me a hand with this?" It's a subtle difference of one letter, bwutouldassumes that of course he is capable, and it offers him the opportunity to be gallant.
Hunters, here are two little words to win her heart and convince your Quarry that you are a rare man indeed. Ask her to sit down before you utter them, because a woman is so unaccustomed to hearing these two words from a man that she may topple over.
(And probably willl. . . right into your arms.) If something goes wrong in your relationship, or you have messed up in any way, simply say—here goes—
"I'm sorry."
Women say these words often, in fact too much. Men never say them. (The last recorded instance of a male saying "I'm sorry" was in Atlanta, Georgia, in 1907.
Upon further investigation, however, it was discovered that the speaker was just a man named Rory having a mouthful of food.)
TECHNIQUE #72 (FOR HUNTERS):
I'M SORRY
Hunters, when you mess up, simply have the courage to say "I'm sorry." When you see how your Quarry warms to you, you won't be sorry you said it.
trying to introduce himself in spite of Page 226
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the Gender Gap?
Hunters, huntresses, we have just viewed the tip of the iceberg of gender differences. After decades of denial, scientists are finally aiming their instruments at the ancient marvel. The deeper they probe, the more they find the glacier extends many fathoms below our consciousness.
Like the careless captain who wrecks his ship on the iceberg, don't wreck your new relationship on one of these sharp gender differences. A new relationship is a fragile boat with the glue still sticky between the boards—it can fall apart at the slightest impact. Every time a new lover hits an icecap in your personality, he or she fears the glacial differences that lie beneath.
Guide your new love skillfully to avoid the sharp perils we've discussed. At least wait until the glue dries on your relationship and you're into calmer seas.
PART SIX
ON THE SEXUAL ELECTRICITY
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Years ago, whenever you got your nervous little preteen hands on a sexy novel, did you furtively flip pages to find the dirty parts? If so, you're in good company. You, I, and a hundred million other curious prepubescent kids deciphered the same passages.
Well, tell any little kids lurking around your family bookcase, ' Here it is. Here's the dirty part of How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You .'' This is the section where they'll read about stroking, massaging, and penetrating a man's and woman's hottest erogenous zone. They'll learn about all the creases and folds of the human body's most erotic organ.
They'll find out how grownups reallyturn each other on.
However, you'd better warn the randy little tykes that they're in for a disappointment, because we're going to make relatively little mention of genitals in this section. To make someone fall in love with you, far more crucial than knowing how to stroke his penis or draw circles with your middle finger
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around her clitoris is kneading and massaging your Quarry's most erogenous zone of all—the brain.
When you've mastered manipulation of that organ, you'll have a magic key to make him or her fall in love with you.
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Let me say at the onset that the powerful methods I suggest here do not lead you to a lifetime of your own sexual satisfaction with your mate. The techniques presented here are for givinygour partner ultimate sexual euphoria, thus making him or her fall in love with you. That, after all, is the promise of this book.
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Two Snowflakes Are Alike
We have varying tastes in food, movies, books, hobbies, and vacation spots. In fact, we extol our unique choices in cuisine and cultural preferences.
Yet almost everybody is hesitant to tell their partner precisely what he or she would like in bed.
Every month, magazines print sweeping
generalizations about what "every" man wants or what "every" woman responds to. But not every woman craves having her man weave a rose into her pubic hair. Not every man thrills to finding his woman, naked and wrapped in Saran Wrap, hiding behind the bedroom door. Our sexuality is as individual as our thumbprint.
General advice on how to be a good lover might work for the proverbial everyman or everywoman.
But you are not everyman or everywoman. Your Quarry is not everyman or everywoman. You are in bed with one unique individual, and to make that person fall sexually in love with you, you must throw back the sheets and uncover his or her very special desires.
The Hunter who determines what the bashful child cowering inside his beautiful, sophisticated Quarry really wants will beat out all the competition. The Huntress who, like Mata
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Hari, extracts the deepest sexual secrets from her handsome, urbane Quarry will have found the key to his heart.
Does this sound like we're taking a trip down the back alleys of sex? Not at all. We're talking Main Street, USA, here. We're talking about, if not what goes on behind our neighbors' locked bedroom doors, then what they wishwere going on. That leaves as many possibilities as there are men and women in the world.
Some like it tough, some like it tender. Some like it raucous, some like it refined. Some like it crude, some like it considerate. The variety of desires that fall within the range of absolute utter consummate normal is astounding. Visions of movie stars, our lover's best friends, twosomes, threesomes-foursomes-moresomes, dominatrixes, handsome rapists, and even an occasional German shepherd normally enter normal people's normal fantasies.
I came upon this awareness quite by accident back in the 1970s when I founded The Project. The Project was a New York State not-for-profit corporation created for the purpose of collecting data on people's sexual desires. Over a period of ten years, my colleagues and I examined data from men and women from every walk of life. Because of the unique method of gathering and disseminating information (not through questionnaires, but by having people send us detailed letters and then presenting the findings through psychodrama), many people who wouldn't ordinarily take part in surveys participated in The Project.
We made presentations to organizations such as the American Society of Sex Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists, and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex. Major media likTeime magazine,Psychology Today , the London Times , and the major television networks praised our work. Because this unsought publicity emphasized the high principles and confidentiality of The Project, more and more people felt comfortable revealing their deepest desires to us.
Thousands of letters flowed into The Project, each detailing the sexual attitudes and assets the authors would like to have in an ideal partner.
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How Do
Men's and Women's Sexual Desires Differ?
How did men's and women's sexual desires differ?
Vastly, when it came to their sexual fantasies, and even more vastly in what role they wanted their partners to play in their fantasies.
Essentially, men's fantasies were more extreme and diverse than women's were. Their desires were tied more to specific acts and attitudes. Their fantasies were less connected to the personalities and emotions of their partner. Often men's fantasies involve d control, one partner over the other. One of our more intriguing findings was that men can suspend reality during the sex act and get off more on playacting than women can. (Huntresses, this peculiarity will come into play when we share specific technique s to get a man to fall in love with you.)
Women's sexual fantasies, in contrast to men's, were more complicated. Often they were tied to a partner (not necessarily the one they were in bed with) and emphasized the relationship between the people in the fantasy. A woman's erotic dreams involved her partner's feelings and her own physical and emotional responses to what was going on. Unlike in men's fantasies, the mood and the ambience of the encounter played a bigger role for women. Unlike men, women had less desire to share their fantasies with the ir partner. (Hunters, pay attention: Steamy emotions and love entered a woman's fantasies far more often than a man's.)
Why Are Men's and Women's Fantasies So
Different?
Why do women connect love and sex more closely than men do? Anthropologists explain it in genetic terms. The female must fight to keep the family together so offspring can grow up well-fed and well-protected.
Sexologists explain it experientially. Like our personalities, our sexual persona and desires are formed in childhood, especially in the formative years between five and eight. During these years, little girls experience more affection than little Page 236
boys. Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, and even Mommy's and Daddy's friends all cuddle and kiss little girls. Little girls sit on Daddy's lap and hug him more than little boys do. It is natural that a girl might have her first erotic feelings while being cuddled.
Little boys are not cuddled and kissed as much. They experience affection in a different way—maybe a pat on the back or a playful "Hiya, buddy" punch on the shoulder. That expresses love to little boys. Little boys even learn to shun affection and kisses in public.
Recently I was walking past a city grade school about eight o'clock in the morning. A mother came up to the school with two children about seven or eight years old. She was holding her daughter's hand, and her son was bounding ahead of them. At the front door of the school, she bent down and gave her daughter a kiss and a big hug. The little girl threw her arms around her mother's neck and said, "Bye-bye, Mommy. See you later," and went bouncing into the school.
The mother then bent over her son to do the same.
The little boy stiffened and put his hands up to shield his face: "Mother,pul-eezedon't kiss me while everybody is watching." The mother laughed and said,
"OK, buddy. Put up your dukes." They had a playful boxing match for a few seconds before the boy trounced happily along after his sister into the school.
Little girls, when playing together, touch each other a lot. They braid each other's hair or put their arms around each other when they are afraid. Male friends are more apt to wrestle or "shoot" each other in a game of cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Is it any wonder, then, that girls grow up connecting love with kisses and cuddles, and boys grow up connecting love with a little rough play or power games?
Yet More Differences
The most striking difference between men and women, however, as illustrated by the letters The Project received, is not in
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their actual fantasies but in what men and women want todowith their sexual fantasies.
It is curious to note that men's and women's fantasy desires were in direct contrast to their real-life stereotypes. In day-to-day matters, a woman usually likes to share sensitive information and a man prefers to keep his thoughts to himself. However, in sex, many men want to share their sexual fantasies with a woman. Some even have a compelling desire to playact them out with her.
How to Use Differences to Make Your Quarry Fall in Love with You
Huntresses, men connect sex and ego very tightly, much more so than women do. Men's real-world thoughts ("What's going on in this relationship?
Where will it go? How do I feel about my partner?
How does she feel about me?") all interfere with desire—readpotency . Therefore, many men have learned to suspend reality during the sex act. If what is actually going on in bed is not hot enough to keep them hard, they let their imaginations do the job. Men can perform better when they forget about the complexities of their relationship with you and give their imagination and their bodies 100 percent to raw sex . Since a man is more potent with a woman who shares his sexual attitude and his fantasies, he is more apt to fall in love with her.
Huntresses, here's the plan. First we need to explore raw sex. Then, afterward, I give you a technique to excavate your Quarry's core fantasies. Finally we explore ways to manipulate those fantasies to make him fall in love with you.
Now, Hunters, concerning technique, women love you harder when you give them fireworks with their sex, but they are hesitant to tell you how to do it better for fear of hurting your ego. Concerning their fantasies, women are more content enjoying them in the privacy of their own minds. Also, when it comes to choosing a lifetime partner, a woman is more sus-Page 238
ceptible to falling in love with—and getting hot over—a man who fulfills her relationship fantasies as well. The two, technique and relationship, put together add up tosteamy sensuality .
Hunters, here's the plan. In this section, you will find hot guidance in the "how-to" department and techniques to excavate your Quarry's relationship fantasies. Mix the two so you can give your woman the steamy sensuality she craves.
Even though everyone's sexuality is as personalized as a thumbprint, there are basigcender differences in how men and women look at sex. Before we aim the telescope at your Quarry's one-of-a-kind sexual needs, let us gaze at the universe of similarities.
The following chapter includes some generalizations, to be sure, but we need a solid foundation of basic sexual gender differences before we can get a good footing to explore the unique terrain of our particular Quarry's desires.
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Sheets
The Golden Rule tells us, "Do unto others that which you would have done unto you." Good advice with your coworkers nine-to-five daytime and with your friends five-to-nine in the evening. But after you bring in the dog, put out the cat, switch off the lights, and hop into bed with your loverf—orget it!
The Golden Rule causes big problems in sex. All too often a man has sex with a woman the way a man likes it (sometimes too crude, too quick, too unromantic) and a woman makes love to a man the way a woman wants it (sometimes too slow, too romantic, too emo tional). Once you're under the covers with the opposite sex, discard the Golden Rule like a dirty Kleenex. To sexually enrapture and capture your Quarry, a woman should have sex with a man the way amanwants it.
A man should make love to a woman the way awoman wants it.
We've all read that men like it hot and sexy and women like it more passionate and loving. Why, then, the minute the lights go out, do we instinctively fall back on the Golden Rule? Why do we insist on doing unto the other what we most want done unto us—
instead of giving our Quarry what he or she wants?
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Obviously, reading sex manuals and popular books that highlight, emphasize, and underscore our differences hasn't done the trick. Men continue turning women off with their unromantic triple-X
approaches. And women continue exasperating or boring men with their soft G needs.
Here's help.
Men in Lust, Women in Love
Hunters, the last ti
me you crooned the favorite male refrain, "Was it good for you too, honey," she probably murmured, "Ummm, it was great." But did she mean it? She might have been thinking, ''Sure, all five minutes of it," or worse, "What a snore." Maybe she secretly wished you'd been noisier or quieter, pushed harder or softer, been rougher or more gentle, talked more or talked less. Maybe she hoped you'd touch her in the spot where itreallyfeels good, not the spot where you think it makes her feel real good.
She probably didn't tell you. Don't blame her. She knows you've got a lot of ego invested in sex, and she didn't want to hurt you. Furthermore, if she's like most women, she had a fantasy running through her mind to enhance her own pleasure while you were happily thrusting away. Perhaps you were the star of her concealed fantasy film. Then again, perhaps not.
But even if she did have you cast in the lead role, in her imagination she probably had you thinking, saying, or doing something other than what you were thinking, saying, or doing.
For generations women were cool to the idea of sexual fantasies. Then, suddenly, in the seventies and eighties, the subject warmed up and became very hot when author Nancy Friday published several sizzling books of women's fantasies. By the early 1990s, it was well accepted that women fantasized.
Sexologists and mainstream sex education videos even endorsed fantasy and spelled out the different bedtime desires of men and women. They told us clearly that both sexes like it hot and loving, but men generally like it more hot than loving, while women like it ahnodt loving.
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Books were written detailing how to make love to a woman and explaining how different Ms. Venus was from Mr. Mars when they made terrestrial visits under the sheets. Did men read them? Yes. Did men heed them? No—at least not if you hear the same testimony I do. The women I've counseled and spent hours interviewing ask the same question: ' Why can't a man make love in a way that really satisfies me?"
