"What happened wasn't your fault, Aidan. No one could have stopped what happened! You wouldn't know!" She snapped back. She took a step back, taking a deep breath and said, "I'm your wife and I love you and I know that you feel the same way I do but please, don’t push me away."
"You can't be here," I said, looking down at my hands. It was hard to breathe, the air in the room was running out. My chest was crushed. "You can't do this."
"What do you want me to do?" She sobbed. "What do you want me to feel?"
"I want you to hate me because I deserve it!" I hissed, looking back at her and the tears she had were because of me. "I deserve you to hate me! You have to-"
Suddenly, her hand impacted the side of my face. It shocked us both. I looked at her, but I didn't move, I didn't say anything. I took the second slap she gave me, harder than the first one. She unleashed everything on me. She started pushing me back, punching me in the chest, slapping me in the face, clenching her teeth and sobbing. She slapped me over and over and over again and I let her hit me, I let her hate me until she stopped and collapsed against my chest with a wail.
"There's my hate," she sobbed against me. "Now, please don't do this."
I gave up. I leaned against the wall and fell to the floor. Katherine climbed on top of me and made me look at her. Her hands grabbed the back of my neck, her thumbs massaging the back of my ears. She leaned forward until our foreheads touched. I grabbed her by the waist and closed my eyes.
"I know everything's not okay," she whispered. "I know that we're both broken but together we can pull the pieces back together, Aidan."
I looked at her in the eyes and the only thing I could think about was how much I wanted her. I stood up and carried her with me to our bedroom. I couldn't think of anything else that made me forget other than having her in my arms again. But it was always there, the pain never left.
Chapter Eighteen
Katherine
I walk in the living room where Aidan stands with Elizabeth in his arms, swaying from one side to another as he sings to her the lullaby he wrote for me in college. She looks relaxed and very comfortable in her father's arms. I walk silently around the house, picking up some of the toys that lay on the floor and careful not to disturb him.
Aidan has not gone to work or out of the house for the past two months. He doesn't let go of Elizabeth. It’s like he's in another world all day and at night I try my best to console him in every way I can. I know he needs me and I won't let him down. At least I’m trying to. I try to find moments for myself throughout the day. Moments where I can sit down, curl into a ball and cry. Moments I keep to myself because Aidan already blames himself for what happened and I know what the sight of me crying does to him.
Elizabeth starts to whimper on his shoulder and he starts tapping her back, telling her everything was fine and that he would take care of her. I go on to make her bottle and hand it to him. I let him feed her. I think it does him good spending time with her, it keeps him occupied and centered on something else rather than thinking about what we lost. Elizabeth falls asleep in his arms but he won’t let her go. It's been this way for the past two months. He's been so afraid to let her go.
There isn't much to do in the house anymore. The silence is new. I keep hoping Charlie will jump out of a cabinet, play drums with the pans or run to his father so he can toss him in the air… bring him back. But that didn't happen. That just never happened. It’s true what they say. When you lose someone, you don’t notice the void they have left behind right away. You start to miss them over time when their absence is the most noticeable. When you turn your head, expecting to see them there and they aren’t. I’ve turned my head a few times, waiting to see my little boy smiling up at me, only to find an empty space. And when I’ve turned my head in search of my husband, while he is standing there physically, he’s not really there. That night ripped more than just my child from my arms, it ripped my husband apart.
I walk back to Charlie’s room to look at all his toys and all the memories that were between these four walls. It really isn't the same. I grabbed his favorite blue blanket I used to tuck him in bed with and pull it to my nose and inhaled his smell. It’s fainter than the last time I smelt it. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and I sobbed silently. I sat there in his room crying because this was the only time I could. I can’t let Aidan keep blaming himself for our son.
Later that day Leila comes over to help out with Elizabeth. Aidan doesn't like having her here because he thinks she's trying to make up a reason for us to give Elizabeth to her, but I've known Leila for a very long time and I know that's not what she wants. Aidan is just having a hard time accepting what is going on in our lives.
After she arrives, I convince Aidan to go get some rest while we make dinner. Alex is already on his way here from work. They’ve come for several weeks now to have dinner with us, help out as much as they can and as grateful as I am for them, I know Aidan hates it.
"I don't want them here," Aidan said, and he dropped himself on the bed. "Why can't they understand I don't want them here?"
"They're here because they want to help out, that's all." I run my hand through his hair and make him look at me. "He is your brother, you can’t expect him to turn his back on you. They just want to help." I lean in and gently kiss him.
He leans his head on my stomach and wraps his arms tightly around my waist.
"Stay with me," he pleads against me. "Please, stay here with me."
"I can't leave-"
"If Leila is here to help then let her help. You can stay here with me," he insisted, tightening his grip around me. "Please, I don't want to be alone." His voice cracks at the end of the sentence which breaks my heart even more.
I swallow the tight knot in my throat and nod.
"Okay, I'll just tell her and I'll be right back." I lay him down and kiss him. He hesitates on letting me go for a moment but I kiss him again and tell him I'd be back.
I walk back down to the kitchen where Leila is preparing everything for dinner.
When I walked in, she looked at me and asked, "Is everything alright?"
She noticed by Aidan's expression that he was not happy that she was here when she arrived.
"Yes." I lean on the counter, leaving the dishrag and stroking Elizabeth's cheek. She's sitting on her high chair, looking straight at me with her wide brown eyes. "I'm going to lay down with Aidan if you don’t mind prepping dinner on your own. He really doesn't want to be alone."
Something in her expression changed and she stops what she’s doing. She looks at me, but the look on her face told me I wasn't going to like what she was about to say.
"This can't continue like this anymore, Kathy," she said.
"What are you talking about?"
"Aidan," she said as if it was obvious enough and shrugs her shoulders. "His fear of being alone, his possessiveness over you and Elizabeth. I understand with everything that's been going on, but you need to get him help. Maybe a therapist who he can talk about what happened."
"Aidan doesn't need a therapist," I said, harshly.
"Katherine, he needs to talk about what happened," she insisted. "He has to find a way to get over the-he almost killed the driver that hit him when he saw him in court."
My mind drifts back to that moment in the court where Oscar White was sentenced to ten years in jail for drunk driving and murder. For Aidan that wasn't enough. The moment he saw that man being escorted away, he jumped off and attacked him. He beat him senseless, cursed him and blamed him for taking our son. If those policemen hadn’t pulled him away when they did, there is no doubt in my mind things could have gotten worse. Never in all the time we've been together had I seen him beat someone. It scared me. He scared me at that moment.
Aidan was taken away and put in jail. Alex had to bail him out the next day. The worst part was that Alex told me Aidan said if given the chance, he'd kill that man. But that was the pain talking, that's all those feelings trapped insid
e him that he can't let out. He just needs time and I'll be here to help him through it.
"He needs to grieve his child," I said with a cracked voice. "We lost our son. He needs time to assimilate to the idea that he's no longer with us."
Leila looks at me with an expression that said I knew this was more than that. Aidan is in denial, I know that but I don't think sending him to see a therapist right now is a good idea. I know we'll get through this, he just needs time. I know I can help him through it.
I run my hands through my hair and say, "I know what you think. I know I may not look like the best candidate to help him through this, but I’m trying my best." Tears begin to form and my throat gets tighter as I speak. My emotions are getting the best of me. "I may even look worse than my husband does. I feel even worse, I don't know. But I love him. He's my husband and I know that he’s still in there and he loves me. We are going to get through this tragedy together as a family as we have always been."
Leila nods and takes my hands in hers.
"Not alone either, sweetheart. Go ahead, I'll make dinner and I’ll let you know when it's ready."
"Thank you."
I kiss Elizabeth's forehead before going back upstairs.
When I walk in the room, Aidan is sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He changed into his sweatpants and T-shirt already. I change in my nightgown under his watch, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even move. I walked to the bed and sat in front of him close enough for our faces to be just inches apart from each other. We look at each other for a while in silence. He doesn’t look away from me and neither do I. What I see in his eyes is almost haunting to see. I don’t see him. I see pain, I see hatred, I see regret and I hate it because I don’t want him to feel that way. Not anymore. We sit there in silence until he reaches over and slowly he undoes my braid.
He murmurs something under his breath, not high enough for me to hear. It’s more like a breath of air.
"Did you say something?" I asked.
"Nothing important," he whispered back.
I take his hands away from my hair, place them down on his lap and move closer to him. I place my hand on his cheek and kiss his soft lips. He moves away just to get a better angle of kissing me. It isn't like any other kiss we've shared, it feels different. It feels needy and I can almost taste the urgency. We both pull away when the need for air comes and he sighs.
"I'm tired." He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
"Lay down," I tell him.
He does. He sinks himself on his side on the bed and takes deep breaths in and out. I lay down next to him and wrap my arms around him, our hands clenched together over his chest as I hold him together. I watch over him as he slowly drifts to sleep. My heart aches for the two of us. I wipe a tear away with my shoulder and curl next to him, my head against his. He's going to be okay, I'll make sure of that.
* * *
"Kathy, seriously call me if you need anything," Alex said as I walked him to his car. "Anything, sweetheart, please call me."
"Don't worry, Alex. We’re going to be okay," I said. "Thank you again for coming. I think Aidan could use the company."
Alex chuckles, but there is no humor in it. "Even when he doesn’t want it in the first place. I worry for him, Kathy, for you, for Elizabeth… Just know I’m here for you no matter what, okay?”
I nod, trying hard to hold back the tears, but I can’t. Alex pulls me in a tight hug, pressing me against his chest. It feels nice. I feel… secure. Only deep inside I wished it was Aidan holding me instead of Alex. He pulled away and wiped my tears away.
“Sweetheart, I have to get going.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Anything, okay?"
I nodded with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll call you once my sink gets clogged." He chuckles again and gets in his car. Alex has never been a good plumber, just like his brother.
I wave him goodbye and wait until I see his car disappear off in the distance. Even when Aidan hates having them here, I think I could use his company as well. When I walked back inside, I noticed Aidan sitting on the couch with his hands clenched into tight fists. He looks… angry.
"Aidan?"
“What was that all about?” He snapped.
"Wow, calm down." I raised my hands and stepped forward as if approaching a wild animal. "What are you talking about? I was just outside with Alex."
“I’m talking about the whole thing outside with the hugging and shit, does he have nothing better to do than to come here and look at us like we’re some kind of broken toys? Is that his way to make himself feel better by doing some charity work?”
“Is that what you think he’s doing, charity work? He’s your brother, Aidan, he wants to help you look after your family because he cares about you! He cares about us.”
“I don’t need his help, Katherine. I can take care of you just fine on my own!” He snapped back.
“Oh yes, because lately you’ve been doing such a wonderful job.”
It happened so fast.
Aidan grabs the bottom of the glass coffee table and flips it over. Just like that, it easily shattered. The flower vase crashed, making a sound like thunder. I cover my mouth to hold back my screams of shock. Elizabeth is woken up by this. Her loud crying can be heard from her bedroom.
Aidan looks at me and his expression immediately passes from fury to regret and fear. He walked toward me, but I immediately back away from him. My vision is blurred by my own tears welling up. What is this? Who is he? Where's my husband?
Aidan tries to touch me once again, but I can’t. I walk away to Elizabeth's room. I took her in my arms and pulled her to my chest. The noise startled her, but she was okay. She only had some dried up tear stains on the corner of her eyes.
"There, baby, it's okay," I whisper against her head, trying not to cry myself.
"Katherine?" I turn around. Aidan stands at the doorstep of her room. His eyes show so much regret I never thought anyone could have that much in one simple look. "Kathy, I'm so sorry-"
"You need to control that temper," I said with a knot in my throat. I carry Elizabeth with one arm and clean my tears with the other. "It's the first time you act like this, Aidan. But that cannot happen again."
The thought crossed my mind. It wasn't the first time it did. The thought that perhaps I can't control everything. Perhaps Leila was right, Aidan needs help. This entire time even little things set him off, but that was something I never saw coming.
"Yes, yes, I know. I'm sorry, Katherine. I didn't mean to react like that, I don't know what happened." He attempts to get closer but I step back. "Please… I’m begging you."
I take a deep breath. "You need help, Aidan."
"No, I don't. I need you."
"Aidan, maybe if you talk with someone about what happened-"
"I don't-I don't need help, Katherine," he said, trying his best not to yell. "I need my wife and my daughter, that's all I need." He steps forward again, but I continue to back away from him which made him step forward again. "Please, I can learn how to control it myself. You just need to help me."
I look at Elizabeth, the only thing we both have left. I can't let him deal with it himself. He won’t be able to go through it by himself, I know that. I know at the end of the day, it would all come down to me consoling him, but I have to try. I have to try for my family. For him.
"You know I will," I said.
He smiles and takes the final step toward me. He carefully places his hands on my arms. He’s gentle as if he’s trying not to break me. I shiver under his touch even when I know there's nothing I should be afraid of. I tense up when he leans forward and kisses me. I kissed him back, only to quickly pull away.
He turns his attention to Elizabeth.
"Hey, beautiful." He tries to take her from me but I hesitate on letting her go. Elizabeth lets out a small whimper when he takes her from me. "Aw, Daddy woke you. I know, baby girl, I'm sorry. Daddy is sorry." He begins to sway her from one side to an
other, softly singing to her the lullaby.
I stand aside and look at him. Something is not right, it doesn’t feel right. It’s like watching a complete stranger in the place of my husband holding our daughter. Aidan needs help even when he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He does and I'm going to do all I can to bring him back.
Aidan continues to sing to our daughter until she finally lays her head on his chest. He looks at me and kisses me one more time.
"It's getting late. I'll put her back to sleep and I'll meet you in our room." He kisses me one more time on the forehead.
Aidan is not in the room when I come out of the shower. I check Elizabeth’s room. She’s in her crib sleeping with a nightlight on and the door halfway closed. My heart stops. The worst possible thoughts run through my mind as I race down the stairs, only to find Aidan kneeling down beside our broken coffee table, picking up the shattered remains with a newspaper. He throws the remains in a white trash bag and stops, looking at the mess he made. My heart breaks when his shoulders begin to tremble and he lets his head fall as he begins to cry.
I walked up to him and knelt beside him, pulling his face to mine. He shakes his head, refusing to look at me and instead buries his face in his hands. I pull them away, taking his face between my hands and force him to look at me. He looks so broken, so vulnerable…
“I’m so sorry, Katherine,” he sobs. “I… I regret it so much. I never meant to scare you… I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Aidan…”
“No, it isn’t. Don’t say it is because it isn’t,” he sniffled. His body trembles under my touch. He looks at me helplessly. “I don’t know what’s happening anymore…”
“Me either,” I admit. “I just know… I just know that I love you.”
He chuckles humorlessly. “I love you.”
I kiss him. I kiss him with everything I have, with all my hope and despair, with all my love and my pain. I give myself to him in more ways than one and he does the same. Our kiss becomes heated, our kiss becomes passionate. Our kiss is raw… it leads us back to our bedroom, where we give into each other in hopes for some relief… It isn’t like any other time we’ve made love. It was needy, it was raw and it was consuming. Two people losing themselves in each other, trying to tear away every piece of pain they had in each other until nothing was left. But it was only momentarily because the moment it ended, we were back at square one.
Same Old Song Page 13
