by B. Muze
He flushed again in hot anger, his expression grim and dark. She thought he would say something, but he clenched his jaw closed, turned, and walked away without looking back.
Chapter 39
Dangerous Game
That night, Jovai dreamed of flying on the wind. She was rushing someplace, only she didn’t know where. She didn’t care. She was galloping across open, endless plains, completely free. And she was one of the Gicok’s magnificent horses, with the power to do anything. She raised her head and laughed. She stretched her neck and looked back over her shoulder and saw she had a rider. He was laughing, his handsome face beaming with joy, as open and innocent as a young boy’s. She suddenly felt angry that he was there on her back.
“Get off,” she cried, but he just laughed. He pulled out a flute and began to play the sweetest music she had ever heard.
She woke with a start. The night was full of the sounds of singers and instruments, but all she heard, somewhere in the distance, was the pure, sweet sound of a flute.
Her family was sleeping all around her. Very carefully, so as not to awaken any of them, she stepped over and around them and slipped out the door. She followed the sound of the flute like a sleepwalker, not fully aware of what she was doing. It drew her on, deeper and deeper into the woods, farther and farther away from the safety of the camp. Once she stopped, coming awake, and looked around wonderingly at the forest and the star-filled sky. She started to turn back and realized that she didn’t know where she was or how to get home. Then the song of the flute began again and called to her. She remembered she had been following it, and now it was the only guide she had.
It led her deep into a part of the forest where she had never been. Then it stopped. She looked around for the player, but only trees stood near her.
“I knew you’d go chasing after men!” scolded a voice from above, and Koban dropped down from a branch, landing beside her. She frowned at him, surprised.
“You!” she exclaimed. She reached for the flute he still held, but he pulled it back, out of her reach.
“I wanted to see if you were yet running after a husband.”
“I’m not,” she answered.
“Then why are you here?” he challenged.
“I’m lost.”
“You are stupid to come so far away from the camp, even after a man.”
“Why did you call me?” she demanded.
“To teach you a lesson.”
“What lesson?”
“That you’re a fool to go so far away from safety in the middle of the night. You are nothing but a foolish woman.”
“Thank you, teacher,” she answered stiffly. “I’ll remember that the next time I hear your flute.”
She turned to go and realized that she didn’t remember from what direction she had come.
“Who did you think I was?” he asked her, as she paused in confusion.
She shook her head, unhappily, and didn’t answer.
“Who is it you like?” he insisted.
“No one. I don’t know…anyone maybe. I didn’t think it was you.”
“Of course not. You wouldn’t have come if you had.”
She turned on him angrily.
“Why should I come so far just to be abused?”
“Why should you come so far anyway, unless you think you are meeting a lover! Were you going to kiss him? Were you going to lie with him?”
“Leave me alone!”
“You were hoping he’d take you in his arms and beg you to marry him, weren’t you?”
“No!”
“Yes you were, woman. Don’t lie to me.”
She turned and angrily swung at him with both fists. He successfully blocked the first, but the second hit him in the stomach and blew the wind out of him. He doubled over in pain.
“I hate you, Koban of the Hawk Clan. You did it to me. I was fine as I was. I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t want to have children, I didn’t even want anyone thinking of me as a woman, and no one was until you made them all look and see. Now everyone tells me I must get married as soon as possible and if I don’t make a choice soon Difsat will make it for me, and it’s all your fault!”
She swung at him again, but he caught her fist and flung her to the ground with her own angry momentum.
“All right then,” he said, pinning her down with the weight of his knees, “Why?”
“Let me up!”
“You say I never ask you anything about you. Now I’m asking. Why did you dress like a boy? Why don’t you want to get married? Why don’t you want to have children? Why don’t you want to be what you are?”
“Because I’m not a woman! You think my other clothes were a lie, but they weren’t the lie. These are!”
“That doesn’t make sense,” he said.
“I knew you wouldn’t understand.” She struggled against him, but he wouldn’t let her up.
“I’m listening.” He continued to hold her pinned.
“If you let me up I’ll tell you.”
“Tell me something that makes sense, and I’ll let you up.”
“All right!” She calmed her anger with a deep breath. “Among my people, I was never meant to be a wife. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m not supposed to even want to. From as early as I can remember I was told I could never have a husband, never have children, never do anything except serve the spirits and my people. I am untouchable. Do you understand? Even though I was born a woman, I was made to not be a woman. My master dressed me as a man because that was the right way for me to dress. Your people just don’t understand. I want to do well and please my family here, but they’re not just asking me to be something I’ve never been before. They’re asking me to be something I was told over and over, for as long as I can remember, and for the sake of everyone I have ever loved, that I could and should never be. Now let me up!”
He sat on her harder, resisting her struggles. “If you’re not a woman and you are obviously not a man then what are you supposed to be?”
“Nothing. I’m supposed to be a shaman but I’m not that either.”
“You’re supposed to be of the Bat Clan?”
“We don’t have clans like that. And our shaman is different from yours. And I’m not a shaman anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”
“You’re not a shaman and you’re not a man but you are a woman.” He was struggling to understand. He frowned in concentration as he tried to make sense of her words.
“But I don’t feel like one,” she tried to clarify. “I don’t feel as if I can do what everyone now expects me to do. I’m trying. I really am, but they want everything now. Every day Milapo asks me why I didn’t like any of the music the men play at night. Difsat has threatened to take away my bedroll and make me wander outside all night until I stop discouraging the men. Then, the first time I try to do what they want, I get you yelling at me and treating me as if I were doing something wrong. You’re supposed to be teaching me to be what they want, but instead, you make me feel ashamed for even trying.”
Koban unpinned her. He rose, staring at her thoughtfully, and helped her to her feet.
“So, no man has ever even kissed you?” he asked. She blushed.
“Only once. Twice. I was punished for a very long time because of it, and the boy ended up making an enemy of my master and leaving our people. It was a very bad business.”
“Did you like it when he kissed you?”
She bowed her head in shame as her blush deepened.
“So, you like to be kissed?”
“I don’t know. The kiss itself? I liked that part, but the shame and the punishment and the way it hurt my master and the way Litazu suffered — there was nothing good about that.”
“But you like men?”
She balled her fists in frustration and pounded them against the air.
“I just don’t want to be a wife! Can’t you understand?”
He grabbed her wrists and held them still.
“S
o, since I am your teacher, what I need to teach you is to want to be a wife.”
She broke his grip and pulled away.
“No wait!” he said, catching her before she could turn away. “I listened to you. Now you let me explain something.”
“I don’t like you holding me,” she said, trying to break free.
“I know,” he said. “But I have something to tell you that will make it all right. I’ll let you go if you promise to stay and listen.”
She agreed. He released her and gestured for her to sit at the base of a nearby tree. Then he sat beside her.
“You know I’m of the Hawk Clan,” he said, “but I don’t think you know what that means. When I became a man in the clan, I made a choice. I took an oath. All adults in the Hawk Clan take this oath. We agree not to take wives or even to lie with women without the permission of our clan leader. What this means is that I’m like you were. I will have no wife, no children until my clan leader decides that I am old and weakened enough to be of better service as a husband and father than as a warrior. By that time, you will have daughters of age and maybe even granddaughters who are women. When I am finally allowed to take a wife, I will probably choose from among them and women their age.”
“You think that’s the same way I was raised?”
“What I mean is that if you’re afraid of men…all right. But you don’t have to be afraid of me. I couldn’t marry you even if I wanted to, so I’m safe for you. From now on you can…you can relax with me. You can practice, to a very safe limit, being a wife with me — being a woman. You can do what you need to get comfortable with the idea. I’ll be the teacher you need, now. I’ll be patient, and I won’t make you feel bad.”
“I don’t understand,” she said.
He slipped his arm gently around her waist. She stiffened and cringed away, startled, but not so far that he couldn’t reach.
“You have to get used to being touched,” he said in a voice of authority. “Now, if any other man were to touch you, it would frighten you, wouldn’t it? You would know he was thinking of you possibly as his wife, and since you don’t feel ready for that, all you would be able to think about was getting away. Am I right?”
She nodded, watching him warily.
“But you know I’m not thinking of you as a wife. I’m not going to marry you or even lie with you. So, if I touch you, it’s only as a friend and a teacher.”
He raised his hand slowly, letting her see it, and lightly stroked her hair. Still, she startled backward at his touch, but his hand only followed, gently but firmly, until she closed her eyes and accepted it.
“That’s good,” he praised her. “And it feels good, doesn’t it?”
“I guess so,” she answered after a pause.
He let his finger trace her ear and draw a line down her neck to the base of her throat. Her breathing grew quicker.
“Yes. Very good,” he encouraged.
She shivered as he brought his fingers up the back of her neck under and then through her long, thick hair.
“Are you cold?” he asked, drawing closer to warm her with the heat of his body.
“A little.”
He drew her against his chest, opening his fur vest to cover her shoulders with half of it.
“Is that better?” he asked.
“It’s warmer,” she answered cautiously.
“If I were another man you would be uncomfortable being so close, wouldn’t you?” His hands stroked her arms and back, gently sliding down along her legs.
“Yes,” she answered, starting to enjoy this game.
“But I’m safe, and nothing bad will happen to you while you’re with me.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. Yaku Shaman’s anger at her and Litazu flashed again in her mind. She could almost feel his presence, rushing toward her now…but, perhaps Koban was right. Perhaps even Yaku Shaman would not object to her being with a man so completely safe. It was only a harmless game, after all. Perhaps this really was something she should do…as long as it didn’t go too far.
Koban saw her eyes, those large, luminous eyes, turn to him full of fear and vulnerability. She was so young, so innocent. For a moment Koban’s confidence melted and then was instantly rebuilt.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he vowed, pouring all himself into the words. “I could not live if I ever did.”
He couldn’t stand the uncertainty with which she watched him.
“I promise you.” He begged her with his eyes and raised his fingers up to her temple, willing the touch to say everything his words couldn’t. “I promise you. I promise.”
With all his heart he made a promise. He couldn’t say what it was that he promised, or even think it, but he made it to her with his most sacred intent. His spirit leapt with joy as he saw trust slowly creep into her beautiful face.
Before he realized quite what he was doing, he was kissing her, pressing his tongue gently through her parted lips. A feverish hunger overwhelmed him as her resistance slipped away. He could feel her heart beating wildly against his, and he trembled with her as she pressed herself deeper into his arms.
He buried his face in the crook of her neck, kissing her shoulder, her throat, her ear, while his hands glided over her soft, sweet body, under her skirts, down her legs and up again toward places he had never touched on a woman’s body before.
They heard a noise not far away and instantly jumped apart, both panting and red-faced. Jovai straightened her tunic and smoothed her skirts and stared out in the darkness toward the sound, waiting in terror for some kind of doom to approach.
A shadow emerged from behind a tree, large and looming and rushing toward them. Jovai froze in silent terror as she recognized Yaku Shaman, huge with anger, coming to tear her away.
“Who’s there?” demanded the figure, pausing only a few feet away. It took Jovai almost a minute to find her breath again as she realized it was not her master’s voice.
“Koban of the Hawk Clan,” Koban answered, trying to hide his nervousness with the sound of anger. “Who are you?”
“Sofani of the Dog Clan,” answered the man. “What are you doing here Koban and who is that with you?”
“This is Latohva, daughter of the Rifan family.”
Sofani stepped forward cautiously, a long blade drawn, until he could confirm both their features with the moonlight. He looked between Jovai and Koban curiously, then smiled at Jovai. She recognized him as the musician who had won third prize at her dance. She shyly, awkwardly, smiled back.
“Latohva was out walking and lost her way,” Koban said.
“So far from camp?” asked Sofani.
“I was thinking of other things and lost track of my feet,” she explained.
“And you, Hawk Man?”
“I come here often,” Koban answered lightly.
Sofani looked as though he didn’t know whether to believe Koban or not. He looked around and spied something lying on the ground. He bent to pick it up and discovered it was a flute.
“Yours?” he asked with a curious smile, handing it to Koban. Koban glared at the wooden betrayer and refused to take it.
“Mine,” Jovai said, stepping forward to claim it.
His eyes widened with surprise, and he examined the flute with more curiosity.
“Yes, I see,” he said, “You have carved your name on it.”
Koban’s jaws clenched shut, and he squeezed his eyes closed.
“So if I lost it, I could recognize it again. Or if someone else found it, they could return it to me,” Jovai explained. “Don’t the Kolvas do that too?”
Sofani handed it to her with a disbelieving smile. “It’s a good idea,” he agreed. “Are you still lost? I’d be glad to guide you home.”
“I’ll take her,” said Koban. “There’s no need for you to leave your duty.”
Sofani nodded, amusement in his face, and walked away.
Chapter 40
Watched by Hawks
Koban conti
nued with Jovai’s new lessons every chance they could find or make. He insisted that these lessons were completely in line with what Difsat intended, but neither of them felt the need to verify that with the reverend family head. During the day, when too many people were about for any chance of privacy, they talked, walking or sitting together, or swam in the river or occasionally managed to sneak off to the woods, but all quite innocently. Had anyone been watching them they would have noticed nothing unusual, except, perhaps, for the occasional lapses in their conversations when it seemed as if they were suddenly, for no apparent reason, both thinking of something else, or the increasing frequency with which they would meet each other’s eyes and blush or smile, conspirators in a shared secret.
Every night that Koban was not given a duty by his clan, he called to Jovai with the sweet voice of his flute. She begged him not to call so often, for their lack of sleep affected both of them badly during the day, yet, whenever he would call, she would come.
“Are you sure we are both…safe?” she asked him one night when he had caressed her to such a passion she could barely endure.
“Of course,” he promised her. “I’m of the Hawk Clan. Remember?”
“But is your oath enough?”
He sighed into her kiss with a smile.
“We have excellent discipline,” he assured her, with his next breath.
“So, you’re not even tempted to betray your oath?”
“I don’t feel anything, unless I let myself, and I won’t let myself feel anything that will make me want to break my oath.”
For some reason, his answer did not please her. The next day, she asked Milapo about it as she helped her fix the morning meal.
“Can a man kiss a woman and not feel anything?”
“What do you mean?” asked Milapo.
“Is it possible for a man to kiss a woman and not…not enjoy it?”
“That depends on the man and the woman,” answered Milapo. “Whom do you have in mind?”
She had been burning with curiosity to know whom Jovai was meeting almost every night. Most of the musicians had gone away frustrated, now. Only the flute player was heard regularly and, with all her carefully restrained questions to everyone she hoped might know, she had still not been able to discover who he was.
