“Normally of course we are invisible but when he lights up we can be seen in the glow and terrify people. He can only light up on Halloweeen, and his batteries take about two hours to charge. Mot importantly, if you or I make a noise while he is lit the light goes out and he takes another two hours to build up his strength to shine again. So remember, when he is alight, we can be seen, but we must be silent. And when we can be seen there will be interesting opportunities”
Sally “Oh he’s sweet. Dear Fido! So where are we going?”
Mother “To the Vicarage. I have scores to settle. I’ll never forget the windy Halloween night when the vicar - pompous old humbug - threw open all his windows to get rid of the smoke. A gale blew straight through and your father was whisked away. We also lost a young blonde at the same time - I always said her shroud was too diaphanous. There has been no sign or stitch of either.”
Sally “So when Fido is on we can be seen by people, but if we make a noise we become invisible again for at least two hours?”
Mother “Yes. Now the important thing is that when they do see us and when we deliberately choose to make our noise, it must be a really, really frightening shriek. So I don’t want any small half-hearted noises by mistake. Remember to take your hay fever and house dust mould spray before we go.
Now for your gown - Princess.”
She helps Sally into a shroud. Sally turn round to show “The Ghost of the Town - Sponsored by The Co-operative Funeral Service.” Mother puts on her own shroud.
Sally “Ooh Mummy - you do look chilling – we’re going to have great fun.” - and admires herself in looking glass.
Mother “Remember dear - when we get there not a sound, or Fido will go out for two hours, and there may not be enough time for real revenge before midnight when we have to be back!”
Sally “Just like Cinderella!”
other “That was a true story which the spin doctors have twisted. Poor Cinders was a ghost who tried a Presidential cigar in the White House late one Halloween – and had forgotten to flame-proof her shroud. All that was left were two blackened clogs just like Joan of Arc. They twisted the story into a poor beautiful girl who captures the heart of the Prince - total fabrication.”
Sally “What a pity. And where did the pumpkins come from?”
Mother “That’s another twist. Someone must have seen Fido or another icon which was lit up, and to stop anyone worrying they light silly turnip or pumpkin heads on Halloween night.
Now don’t forget your sneeze-mix. We will take Fido for these walkies to be at the Vicarage when the church clock strikes nine.”
Curtain.
Scene 2 At the Vicarage, in the Vicar’s Sitting Room. There are two easy chairs and the TV is on. A low table has two small chairs and a game of chess laid out. The Vicar is reading and the Vicar’s wife is knitting. The door is ajar. The church clock begins to strike 9.
Vicar (pompously) “So I told the squire that he should maintain the good old traditions - now cock-fighting is illegal we must preserve fox-hunting. Think I’ll put a bit in next Sunday’s sermon. How would David have managed if he hadn’t practised hunting before he met Goliath? What do you think?”
Wife (absently) “Yes, dear. Good idea, dear. Where are Dick and Mary? I thought I heard them come in?”
As she speaks the two ghosts slip round the door and place Fido on the sideboard. Dick and Mary follow them in, shut the door and go over to stand beside their parents.
Dick “Hello Mum, Hello Pater – We had a splendid time down at the Green Man - met old Smackers and Kate - laugh a minute!”
Vicar (severely) “I hope that you were not profane or imbibed strong liquor.”
Mary “Of course not, Daddy. It was just nice to be with a cheerful bunch of friends.”
Vicar grunts and returns to his paper.
Wife (to Dick and Mary) “Did you have any supper?”
David “Yes thanks, anyway I want to finish this chess game with Mary.”
Mary “Oh, only because you think you’re winning!”
David “That’s why I want to go on. I think it is my move”
They take off their coats and sit down
Mother ghost walks across the room and blows the hair on the vicar’s head. He stirs and shifts. She blows again.
Vicar from behind his newspaper “How many times must I tell you two to shut the door properly? I feel a terrible draught.”
David looking up “The door is shut, Dad.”
Sally walks round in front of the Wife and examines TV. She picks up the “gun” and changes the programme, puts the gun down again and steps back.
Wife knits on, and then gets up to change the programme back.
Mary “Check! How about that?”
Sally walks back and changes the programme again.
Wife looks up, rubs her eyes. “Darling, is this the channel you want?”
Vicar “Of course not - it’s rubbish, and anyway I’m reading.”
Wife “David - I’m having trouble with the programme. Please can you sort it?”
David gets up and walks over.
Mary says “I’ll go to the loo” and goes out.
Mother, looking over the chess board, moves one piece.
Sally and Mother wrap their shrouds around themselves and look at Fido which is still not lit.
Mary returns and David after retuning the TV - they sit down again at their game.
David smugly, “I can take that now! Your move!”
Mary “That wasn’t possible.” Studies position. “You cheat - you moved my piece while I was in the loo! You miserable cheat.”
David “I never did! That was the position when I sat down again. You are just a rotten loser.”
Mary “Cheat, cheat” and knocks board over.
Wife vaguely “Children dear, Children!”
David and Mary together “We’re not children now”
Wife “Come and sit down - you’re father is planning next Sunday to include a bit about hunting.”
David “What about the Sermon on the Mount?”
Mary “I don’t think that’s muscular enough.”
They pick up books and sit down.
Sally blows down Mary’s blouse. “Ooh, that’s a sudden draught” and she looks around.
Mother pulls a strand of David’s hair “Ow, that’s not called for! Father, did you pull my hair?”
Vicar “Of course not, why should I?”
David “Something did! And the programme has changed again.”
Wife looks up and Mother pulls away one of her knitting needles.
Wife picks up needle and looks sadly at knitting “I think something must be wrong tonight.”
Vicar - “Nonsense. Stuff and nonsense. Everybody is too superstitious on Halloweeen. There has been nothing odd here since I exorcised the ghost of that old drunken Churchwarden. Should have got rid of him long before that. Stuff and nonsense.”
They settle down.
Mother and Sally go over and look at Fido again, still not lit. Mother rubs him on her sleeve - Sally strokes him. She picks him up and puts him near her cheek. He lights up and Mother stands tall and stretches out arms. No-one notices. Sally begins to develop a sneeze. She gives Fido to Mother and tries to stifle a sneeze, takes out a spray and misses twice. As Mother tries to stop her, a huge sneeze emerges, Fido goes out, and the family turn round. Mother is jumping up and down with rage. Sally is apologising.
Wife “I heard a sneeze, didn’t you?”
Mary “Yes, it seemed to come from over there, by the chess board.”
David “There is nothing there now - It must have been one of us.”
Wife “Perhaps it was a ghost - it is Halloween!”
Vicar “Stuff and nonsense - stuff and nonsense, how often do I have to tell you to control your feeble feminine imagination! Pull yourself together! Perhaps we should all have a drink.”
He gets up and goes out
followed by furious Mother. He returns with a tray, four glasses and a bottle. He pours two small helpings into three and a much larger helping into his own. Mother has re-emerged with a small jug. He sits down.
“Cheers!” As the four lift their glasses Mother deliberately empties the jug over the head of the vicar. He stands up, dripping.
Vicar “Stuff and nonsense, Stuff and nonsense. Imagination. Pull yourselves together” and empties the glass in one gulp.
Curtain.
10 AM AT THE BEEB
An office at the BBC, with Jack sitting behind a desk. There is a knock on the door.
Jack “Come in.”
Door opens and William enters
Jack “Morning, William! I say, you look a bit pale and dishevelled. Is anything troubling you? I was held up getting to Bush House this morning, but I knew you would hold the fort.”
William sits down, brings a bloodstained handkerchief from his pocket, finds another, wipes his nose and replaces the handkerchiefs.
William “Its all right now, Jack. I’ve been trying to calm Rachel down. These convent girls go in for the most extraordinary hysterics. Anyway, I got Mary to come up from Catering and tidy up. I’ve known her for a long time and I can guarantee she’s totally discrete. I’m not sure about Rachel.”
Jack “What on earth are you talking about? Tidy up what place? The Today Programme must have been completed an hour ago.”
William “You remember last night arranging for the Defence Ministry to put up a spokesman? After you left they offered to bring the Minister, Arthur himself, no less, to the studio. So we had the heaviest artillery.”
Jack “And the shortest fuse. Go on.”
William “Also you know the best chilling out room is still closed following the flood when someone switched off the refrigeration with Come Skating in the studio upstairs,
Jack “Mm. “
William “That was part of the trouble. John was in excellent form, produced a wonderful quote from a speech that the Minister hoped was off the record, and on the monitor I could see Arthur digging his nails into his palms. If looks could have killed we’d have had a staff vacancy straight away. Anyway they finished the interview, and Arthur stamped off into the remaining chill room. Unfortunately the duty hostess Rachel was not there – she had an upset stomach, she told me. So Arthur seems to have kicked the drinks cabinet, there’s a deep split in the veneer, and smashed a few glasses. The complimentary Valium tablets were scattered all over the room. A moment or two later John went into the same room, forgetting it was being used for interviewees, to see Arthur tearing the head off that big fluffy Panda.”
Jack “I always thought Panda was a poor idea.”
William “Well, it gave females something to sob into. Anyway Arthur attacked him, grabbed him round the neck and began to hit him. Arthur didn’t shout, I suppose did not want to bring attention, but he kept growling he was going to break John’s neck.
Anyway, John keeps fairly fit and used to practice Judo, so even though Arthur is twice his size he kept his neck unbroken, and pretty soon threw Arthur on the floor. John tells me he kept his cool and simply restrained Arthur until Rachel came back from the loo and pressed the panic button. When I went in Arthur was sobbing quietly, so we stopped his nose-bleed, which is why my handkerchief is so bloody, and the MOD driver took him away. At which stage John needed a stiff drink or two, but is basically undamaged. He said it’s the first time he’s drawn actual blood from a Minister.”
Jack “So you’re telling me that I can expect the Boss and the Governors demanding John’s head and mine on plates. This must have happened over an hour ago – I’m surprised the tanks are not outside already. I expect they’ll say John made an unprovoked physical attack on a Minister of the Crown and will threaten to bring in the Police. It will be Arthur’s word against John. Nobody else will have heard anything – that room is almost soundproof. This is deep trouble, William.”
William “But it was John who was attacked, and he’s so much smaller than Arthur. Anyway, one of the things I came to tell you is that, for once, Fortune has smiled.”
Jack “Oh yes? It doesn’t sound like Fortune – more like collect my P45 day and yours as well.”
William “The programme was over and all mikes were off, but John was still wearing his small one. Arthur’s grab and headlock switched it on. So the battle and the wrestling with full sound effects plus Arthur’s threats and John’s gurgles until he broke the headlock, are on a tape which I found running in the studio.”
Jack “William, do I detect a slightly smug sound to your voice?”
William “I’ve just listened to the tape again. There are bloodcurdling curses and threats at the beginning, but after John pinned him down Arthur suddenly changed and started pathetic whimpers for mercy. I think John must have looked quite annoyed.”
Jack “And who knows about all this?”
William “It was at the very end of the programme, the technical chaps had left for a meeting, and nobody else went into the Chill Room. So scarcely anyone knows about the fracas. Rachel saw John pinning Arthur down, and helped to stop the bleeding before hysterics rendered her incapable. Mary saw the mess a little later and the eviscerated Panda, but only you and I know this tape exists. I’ve told Mary to keep her mouth shut and mention a small accident, but only if necessary. Rachel thinks we’ll all be shot and spends her time saying Hail Marys and diving into the loo, and I’ve forbidden her to say anything at all.”
JackLet’s keep it that way. Hide that tape in the most secure place you know and give me a copy which I’ll also secure. And emphasise to John when you see him that today’s events are not material for light-hearted after-dinner stories. Injuring and terrorising a Minister of the Crown, even in self-defence, is not a joking matter.”
WilliamWhat will you do when they complain?”
Jack“Oh, I’ll apologise as usual – that’s the Governors’ policy - and say that a slight and regrettable accident occurred in the Guest’s room, and I’ll offer to have Arthur’s suit cleaned. Then I’ll hint very gently that just possibly we might find some details recorded, at which stage they will move away towards another target. Let’s go to the canteen for coffee. I’ll reassure Rachel and make sure she remains silent. When you began your story you had me worried for a moment or two.”
Both leave. Curtain.
SPOOKS IN LOVE
(Oliver and Stella almost Reveal Their Passions and Identities. The agents feel a great deal for each other but names can be difficult in the Security Services)
O and S are sitting on a beach between rocks.
O) “I love you. I’ve gradually become more and more enchanted.”
S) “Why are you blinking so much? Have you sand in your eye? Let me have a look.”
O) “I think it is just emotion. But do please look.”
S) “Yes, there is a speck there. Let me see if I can get it out. What can I use?”
O) “Your bikini top?”
S) “Now then, T, this may be an official de-briefing session, but it’s not a de-braing one. This hanky should do.”
O) “I do wish, F, that we could stop using these misleading initials. When I lie awake, I always think of you as S and how nicely and smoothly your S would entwine with my O on a monogrammed ring or a spoon. Fs and Ts are all spiky and awkward and spidery.”
S) “No, T, this is important cover, the trainers insist on security at all times. Now blink. Does that feel as if your eyes are better?”
O) “I think so. Have I ever told you how you fetchingly you spread your toes when you ask me something important?”
S) “Do I? I’ll have to remember to wear shoes when talking.”
O) “Anyway, I must have told you everything possible that I know about my previous life. I can’t imagine how you’ve tolerated the boredom. Though I must say going from one safe house to another with you has been a pleasure.”
S) “George - No Y - used to say that th
e song wasn’t finished until the fat lady croaks. I always thought that was rather vulgar.”
O) “I adore your discretion and taste, especially your taste - dear, dear F. Perhaps I should start inventing things to attract you.”
S) “Like telling me you love me? I think you’ve invented that already. I know when you blink you are not serious.”
O) “Well, how then can I win your affections? Should I say I detest you and blink at the same time? I was full of hope when you suggested this session by the sea. It is amazingly quiet - from our nest among the rocks we can see the whole deserted beach.”
S) “Well - The last safe house was so hot and stuffy - Circus staff sometimes come here - it is usually deserted. Now I think we should make a start. You’ll find some Smyrnoff in that bag - a tumbler each to bring us up to speed, and then to work - down Memory Lane.”
An hour later.
S) “Well T, it is certainly more pleasant to lie here with my head on your shoulder, remembering the bad old life - I was never invited to those nice dachas on the Black Sea, usually to a cold long weekend in Murmansk. Even the swimming pool at the Kremlin was a very grim functional place - I always checked carefully to make sure there were no bodies at the bottom before diving in. Have we finished for the afternoon?”
O) “Ah, the swimming pool. And tell me how did you gain entrance? Who authorised it? Did you have a key or was there a guard?”
S) “We had to be positively vetted by the Pool Panel. There were buttons on the door and a code. And inside where you hung your clothes was a big sign saying “Don’t leave any valuables”. Probably the only joke in the whole building. As if anyone would trust people who used that place.”
O) “And how big was it? How deep? Did the water taste normal? We had one report that it was full of heavy water. Could the fire hoses use it?”
S) “It was wide and long, but shallow - many of the Politburo are very short men, terrified of drowning or of being drowned, and always liked to be well within their depth. There was often a smell of formaldehyde - I think Lenin’s preservative was kept with the chlorine. And yes, there were fire hoses.”
Barnabas Tales Page 25
