by Sarah Daltry
The cafeteria is crazy when we get there. I think I am one of the only students who waited to move in until the last night. Kristen brings me over to the line and I take a plate of chicken and broccoli pasta. It looks better than most of what I eat at home; I could certainly eat like this every night.
“Don’t get too excited,” Kristen says. “By Thursday, I’m sure we’ll be eating whatever they can make out of these leftovers.”
That’s disappointing, but I figure I should enjoy it while I can and take extra. We go to a table where there are already two girls and three guys sitting. Kristen must know them, although they look at me a little funny. It isn’t rude, but they seem surprised to see me – as if they already know everyone else on campus. It’s probably just paranoia, but I kick myself mentally for not listening to all the emails the school sent suggesting we make use of social networking and the campus message boards to get to know everyone. I feel like I’m the only freshman who hasn’t been actively making friends for three months.
“Guys, this is Lily. My roommate.”
One of the guys, a tall, lanky one, looks me over. “Ah, the elusive roommate. So nice to finally meet you. I’m Don.”
“Nice to meet you, too. Finally,” I echo, although they couldn’t have moved in much earlier than I did. I’m not sure if he’s being a jerk or just kidding around.
“I’m messing with you,” he says. “It’s been like two days. Glad you survived the move in, though.”
“Does anyone not survive it, Don?” Kristen asks. “You’re an idiot.”
Everyone at the table laughs and I don’t know why it feels so weird. I wasn’t popular in high school, but I had friends and was capable of socializing. For some reason, though, I feel like I am completely out of the loop. Don says it’s only been two days, but this group acts as if they’ve been friends since kindergarten. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be like this – this sort of closeness after living with people for only a few days. I have no idea what to expect from college and I’m starting to feel anxious. What if I don’t belong here?
They go through introductions. The two girls are Mary and Caitlin. Mary is glaring at me, but Caitlin seems friendly enough. She already bought all her books, but offers to go with me between classes tomorrow to get mine. Lyle sits beside Don. He is dorky, but seems excited to talk to me. I feel like we could be friends. The last guy is Ethan. He smiles broadly at me, but stops talking after Mary shoots him a look. I figure out that he and Mary are dating as she continues to shoot daggers at me until I stop trying to engage Ethan in conversation.
“So, Lily, what made you decide on this illustrious institution?” Don asks.
“Scholarship, mostly.”
“Did you apply anywhere else?” Caitlin asks.
“A few places, but I went where the money was.” I don’t know if I should be ashamed to admit that, but they all seem to get it.
“That’s why I almost went to State,” Lyle says. “Luckily, financial aid came through at the last minute.”
“My best friend decided to go to State,” Mary adds. “She’s worried about maintaining her grades and losing her scholarship.” The comment is pointed and I think Mary is trying to challenge me. I don’t worry about that, though, because academics come easily enough for me. I’m more worried about having no friends.
“My brother and boyfriend go there,” I tell her. She softens as soon as she hears the word boyfriend. Maybe I can get her on my side after all.
“It’s not the same school, but at least you’re close,” she says.
“We are, and he means everything to me.” She gets the pointed retort and, when Lyle changes the subject, Mary’s glare lessens. She’s not friendly exactly, but she seems a little less bitchy at least.
Dinner is easy and I enjoy the company of these people even with Mary’s jealousy. It turns out most of us are majoring in English or history, which means a whole group of people with similar interests as well as course loads. This helps, because I feel like being part of something will keep me on track. Kristen is the only one of us majoring in education. Being around everyone also lessens my sadness, since I miss Derek so much and I don’t really know anyone else yet. I hate saying no when they invite me back to Caitlin’s room, but I have my Skype date with Derek. Before they head in the other direction, we all agree to meet for breakfast before classes start tomorrow.
I walk back to the dorm alone. It’s gotten dark, but it is still warm; I feel heavy when I walk. I chose to come here for a lot of reasons actually, although I didn’t say that tonight at dinner. A part of me didn’t want to go to the same school as my brother and Derek; I wanted to prove I didn’t need someone else to help me. Now I’m wondering if it was the right move. My grades were better than they needed to be for State, but I still would not mind snuggling up next to Derek tonight rather than chatting with him online before sleeping alone. I tell myself it’s stupid, since my parents didn’t let us sleep in my bed at home either. I know this is the best place for me, and that I’ll get a better education here. I didn’t bust my ass for all of high school just to go where my boyfriend was. I tell myself that I’m establishing a future for myself, even if it means Derek and I are apart. Still, a few couples pass me as I walk and I yearn for him. It’s hard to think about the future when the present stings this much.
Derek’s already online when I get back. I’m surprised at how quickly he signed in and smile when I see that he has already sent me another text. I am waiting for you, beautiful.
I change into one of Derek’s t-shirts that serves as a nightshirt, hoping we will have some privacy when we talk. I’m horny again already and Kristen won’t be back for a bit. I want to talk to Derek, but I am also craving his touch. Although that’s impossible, I’m sure we can come up with something to ease the ache. I log in and my heart swells at seeing him. Jon is putting posters on the walls, but Derek is sitting at his computer. I wish I could reach through the screen and run my fingers through his messy hair; it looks like he just got out of the shower and my mind thinks about other things I would do with him if he were here. I shake the thoughts away and smile.
“No decorating for you,” I ask.
“Not until after I talk to you. I have all day tomorrow anyway.”
“Right. Your classes start later than mine. Lucky,” I pout.
“You’ll be fine. What time is your first class?”
“8:30, which is a ridiculous time for any class. I met some people and we’re having breakfast first.”
“See? You are already socializing.” His smile lights up my computer screen. It hurts because he’s just an image, not flesh and blood beside me.
“I miss you,” I confess. “It actually aches.”
“I know. But it’s only during the week and once classes start...”
“Yeah,” I agree, refusing to ruin our conversation with sadness. “So how’s Jon?”
“Ask him yourself.” He calls Jon over to the computer and my brother appears onscreen. As always, Jon looks happy just to be alive. His smile reminds me of home and I feel homesick now, on top of missing my boyfriend.
“Hey Lily,” Jon says.
“You’re doing a good job making your room not look like Alcatraz. Sorry I am rendering your roommate useless.”
“He’s useless with or without you,” Jon jokes. “Get some sleep tonight, okay? Make sure you start out right.”
“You know I’m almost nineteen, Jon. I’m not in elementary school!”
“No, but you want to keep your scholarship and staying up all night the first night isn’t-”
“Jon, it’s like nine o’clock.”
“Still.”
“Also, the two of you are lucky to even pass classes. Stop acting like a douche. I’m not your kid sister anymore, okay?
“You’ll always be my little sister. And this one best remember it.” He smacks Derek in the back of the head and I smile, watching them mess around. My brother and I have always been clos
e, so I worried about Derek and me, but he’s been supportive. I wonder what will happen if we don’t work out, though. I shake my head; there is no reason even to think about such things.
“Seriously, Lily, get some sleep,” Jon says. “He’ll keep you up all night if he can. I will see you soon.” He leaves the screen. I want to ask him to stay, to ask if he felt homesick, but as close as we are, he’s still a guy. He doesn’t share feelings and he’ll probably just tease me for being emotional.
“He’s gone for a bit,” Derek says. “But he’s right. I don’t want to screw up your first day. I know you have classes tomorrow, but we will talk after dinner?”
“Yeah, call me. I like talking to you on the phone. Besides, then I can-”
He laughs. “Yeah, I know. I remember a certain night last fall. I know exactly what you can do.”
“It’s all for you, Derek.”
“What about tonight? Any plans?” His voice is teasing and I feel the tingling between my legs in response.
“Well, do you have a minute?”
“I certainly do,” he says and, although I can’t see it from this angle, I know he’s reaching for his zipper.
“You know my pussy is wet just thinking about you?” I reach between my legs, sliding my hand up under my nightshirt, and tease my clit while I watch his face react to what I’m saying.
“Are you touching it?”
“I am. What are you doing?”
“Missing you.” I can see his arm moving, but it’s his face that identifies just what Derek is doing. He closes his eyes and lets out a soft groan. I imagine him stroking himself and think of earlier this evening.
“Keep thinking about putting that cock inside of me, Derek.”
“Oh, Lily, you’re so fucking tight. I want to fuck you right now.”
I move my fingers faster, slipping two inside of myself and I watch Derek jerk off. His eyes stay closed while he says my name, but it turns me on to see what he’s doing. I think of riding him and how good his cock feels inside me, and how big it is when he’s hard and ready. I wish I could see it, but the fact that I can’t almost makes me hotter. I come while I picture him fucking me and then I just enjoy watching him finish. After he’s done, he looks a little embarrassed but I smile.
“That was hot.”
“It’s still not the same as being with you,” he says.
“I know, but you know I’m all yours.”
“Good. I will be sure to enjoy you this weekend, but get some sleep tonight. I love you, sweetie.”
“I love you.”
We log off and I turn off my computer. I should go to sleep, but I’m restless. It isn’t late and I don’t know what to do with myself. I could decorate, but my energy is the kind that makes you tired at the same time you want to run a marathon. The school hasn’t set up our cable yet either, so I can’t even watch TV. I consider going for a walk; Kristin comes back in as I am debating.
“Hey, you should have come. It was great,” she says. “Everyone’s really chill.”
“Sorry, I’m just-”
“Yeah, I get it. I saw him,” she laughs.
“I swear I’m not that girl who ditches everything just because she has a boyfriend, but I miss him a lot.”
“It happens. I don’t have a boyfriend, but it’s hard enough starting over without one. I can imagine what you must be feeling.”
“It sucks,” I admit. “But I’m not here for that. I just need to remember it.”
“Right. Classes tomorrow. Yay. When’s your first one?”
“First thing,” I sigh.
“Sucks. Me too, though, so we can get up at the crack of dawn together. Look, I was gonna check Facebook and then take a shower. Will I be bothering you if you’re going to sleep?”
“No, I’m fine,” I say and I wonder why I feel so sad when she leaves the room. I crawl into my bed for my first night as a college student. Nothing has happened, but something feels so wrong. My body is tense and I wish I could shake the bad feelings that are hovering. This is supposed to be a good experience. I just need to stop overthinking everything. It’ll be fine, I tell myself as I fall asleep.
Chapter 2
In some ways, Derek was right; I am so busy that I don’t have much time to worry about anything other than getting to class and getting the work done. Oh, and finding my way around. However, in other ways, I am so homesick it hurts. Kristen and her friends have been great, helping me out, inviting me to meals, and just being overall perky and welcoming. Still, they aren’t Abby or Jon and they certainly aren’t Derek. So, when Friday comes and Derek texts that he is on his way to campus, I am ready to jump out of my skin. It is not even a sexual thing. Yes, I cannot wait to be with him, but my first thoughts are about having someone to talk to, someone to whom I can confess my sadness. Traffic is apparently bad, though, because it takes him three hours to make the trip and, by the time he gets there, I am in a mood.
“What the hell?” I snap.
“What do you mean, ‘what the hell?’”
“It took you three hours!”
“There was a huge accident. Check online,” Derek replies.
“I don’t want to check. I can’t believe you took so long.” I am being whiny and unbearable, but I missed him so much.
“Lily, stop it. I’m here,” he says and holds me. I fall into him and the week and my confusion and my sadness are washed away. I seriously regret choosing a different school than him, but a part of me still insists on being independent. It’s not working, though, because I’m being the clingy and bratty girlfriend I always promised myself I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what is driving me to act like this.
“I’m hungry,” I complain, trying to change the subject but my mood is not entirely back to where it should be.
“Yeah?” He is smirking, but I shake my head.
“Not for that. Well, yeah, for that. But actual food first, okay?”
“Oh okay. Where to?”
“How about the cafeteria?” I promised to bring him by to meet everyone and, although I would prefer to keep him all to myself, I’m making an effort to belong. I also don’t want to go too far, because I want time in my room tonight with him.
“Perfect.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “Lead on, my lady.”
“Cute.”
The cafeteria is surprisingly empty tonight, but I’d heard a lot of people on my floor talking about going home for the weekend. Some of the older students seem smarter than us freshmen and only moved a few things in for the first week, opting to make another trip this weekend. I hadn’t been aware that it was an option, although I am thankful that I did not plan to go home; this way I get alone time with Derek.
Everyone but Caitlin is already at the table after we get our dinner, which appears to be a chicken-like substance. Probably what originated as that chicken and broccoli I was so excited about days ago. Kristen is arguing with Lyle about some movie, Don is eating, and Mary and Ethan are engaged in low conversation.
“Hey guys,” I say. “This is Derek. My boyfriend.”
I see Mary give him an appreciative once over and I know she feels satisfied she no longer has to worry about Ethan. Clearly, I am not going to give up Derek easily. Of the entire group, she has been the hardest to win over and I hope this means she’ll be nicer. Since the first night, there has been a nonstop vibe between us and I don’t like it.
“We’ve met,” Kristen says.
“Nice to see you again,” he smiles.
The introductions are made and conversation turns to the weekend. Kristen agreed to stay with Caitlin this weekend, since Mary is staying with Ethan; his roommate is going home.
“We’re all going to the movies tomorrow night,” Lyle says. “You guys should come with us. It’ll be fun.” I debate. I want to be social and make new friends, being a part of this college life, but I also do not want to give up time with Derek. I look to Derek, but he doesn’t address the invitation, leaving it up to me. I haven’
t actually socialized with my friends yet, our interactions consisting of school and meals only, but I really don’t want to give up even a few hours of Derek’s company.
“I think we are going to stay in; it’s been a long week,” I say. I have all week to spend time with everyone but only a couple of days with Derek. “I wouldn’t be much company.”
“Next weekend - you will hang out, right?” Don asks.
“Maybe. It depends-”
“She will,” Derek says. “I won’t be coming down next weekend so she will have plenty of free time.” This is the first that I’ve heard of him having other plans, but I don’t want to fight in front of my new friends. As soon as dinner ends and we are on our own, though, I bring it up.
“I thought you promised every weekend,” I complain. It was one of the reasons I chose a different school. I imagined we would focus on academics during the week and then we’d spend time together every weekend.
“Mostly, but I want to spend some time at school, too. A few guys asked me to play rugby and I said I would think about it. Next weekend are the tryouts.”
“Does that mean you will be at games or whatever every weekend?”
“Matches, but I don’t know yet. I didn’t really have time to investigate. It came up last night and then I left today as soon as classes ended. I just thought it’d be nice to get involved in something.”
I pout, but Derek just puts his arm around me and we walk in silence. When we are halfway back to the dorm, he turns me to face him and his lips touch mine. The soft kiss becomes hungry and he slips his hands under my shirt, moving them slowly up my back. The feeling of his fingertips on my spine is distracting, and I let the rugby discussion go. He didn’t come up here to fight.
“I missed you,” he says.
“Me too. So much,” I say, between kisses.
I forget the argument and we rush back to my dorm, our hands already out of control on each other’s bodies. I lock my door and Derek pulls my clothes off as I walk toward the bed. I stand in the middle of my room, naked, waiting for him to undress, and I feel complete. His body is still an amazing thing to me, because Derek is everything I ever wanted. Being able to see him like this only makes him more perfect. He pulls me close and he is already hard. I want to be with him, to feel him inside of me, but I wait to savor his touch and the moment.
