by Sarah Daltry
“This group. Are there girls in it?”
Derek pulls into the parking lot at Denny’s, puts the car in park, and turns to look at me. “Three. Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie. Jon had a thing with Alyssa for a while, but nothing serious came of it. And stop it. I see the jealousy brewing. They are all homely and hideous and you are the only girl I am interested in.” He kisses my forehead and I know it’s supposed to make me feel better, but it only makes me feel like a kid. I had moments over the past year when I worried that Derek would think I was too young, but now I have these three women to picture and I don’t want to picture them.
Although I was a virgin when I slept with Derek the first time, he wasn’t. I don’t know what he did at school before we got together, but he had plenty of girlfriends in high school and I can’t imagine he was celibate for those first few months. We have never talked about it; although I know how many people he has been with, I don’t know for sure who they are or when he was with them. I can’t bear to know. I hate thinking of him with another girl close to when we started dating. I’ve managed not to be the jealous type for almost a year, despite him being away, although I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me if I think too much about it. I know it’s hypocritical, since my new group of friends includes guys, but I can’t help it. I feel like Derek’s going to realize sooner or later that I’m not enough for him.
We go into the restaurant because I don’t want to think about Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie; it is easier to fake it with company. Everyone is in high spirits and I try to let the worry slip away. There is not a lot I can do anyway. I’m pretty sure that Derek has been faithful. Right now, all I can do is trust him. As hard as that is, I have no reason to think that he would cheat. Still, I can’t stop picturing him in bed with someone else.
Chapter 4
We don’t get back to my room until after midnight. By then, I am determined to do everything I can to ensure that Derek does not even consider the other three girls. As much as I have kept quiet about them all evening, the idea of them – all three of them – being with him has been stirring endlessly in my head. I let him crawl into bed and then I pull my shirt and undies off. Straddling him, I bite my lip.
“What do you want me to do? I will do anything. And I mean anything.”
“Whatever you want, Lily.”
“What do college girls like?” I want to prove to him that I’m not too young, that I can keep up with anyone he may know at school.
“I don’t know and I don’t care. What do you like?”
I pout. “Derek, there must be something.”
He looks at me, his eyes full of questions. “What are you doing?”
“I just want to make sure that if it takes a few weeks before we see each other that you don’t forget me. I don’t want Alyssa, or Maya, or Jodie to give you something I can’t.”
Derek sighs. “Jesus, Lily. I hung out with them all of last year and you and I barely saw one another. I never cheated on you. I never even thought about it.”
“I want to make you happy,” I say and start to stroke him, getting him hard before I move my head down and take him in my mouth. He moans, but I can tell he wants to keep talking. His body and his mind seem to be in conflict, though, and I do my best to make sure his body wins. I move my head up and down faster while gripping him tight. He thrusts into my mouth and I lick the tip as he tries to push his cock all the way down my throat.
When he comes, the warm liquid spills down my throat and I swallow before I lay my head on his stomach. I cup his balls and absently play with them until I feel him get hard again. I don’t even say anything to him. I just sit up and slip my pussy lips over him, letting him penetrate the wet flesh.
“I love when you fuck me,” I whisper.
“Oh God,” he says and he grips my ass hard, his knuckles bruising the soft mounds of my cheeks. I let the pain drive me and ride him faster, while my own orgasm takes over. I watch him watching me get off as I bounce up and down, his eyes focused on my tits especially. Luckily, they are perky enough not to move around too bad, but it doesn’t stop him from reaching for them, playing with the nipples as I tighten my cunt and come hard. He comes almost immediately after me. I lie on top of him and kiss him, his tongue working slow circles inside my mouth.
“Tell those bitches they ain’t got nothing on me,” I say.
“Lily, they’re not bitches, but you’re right. They are nothing compared to you. Now stop. Please.”
“Why? Why are you defending them?”
“It’s not about defending anyone. They didn’t do anything and you’re being ridiculous. You’ve never been like this. Why now?”
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“Well, stop. I love you. You’re the only girl for me.”
“Are they pretty? If we weren’t-”
He cuts me off with a kiss. “Lily, you are everything. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Why can’t you answer me?”
“Because this is a stupid conversation. I don’t even know if they’re pretty. You are all I think about. I know you weren’t my first, but I have never felt like this with anyone else.”
I fall asleep with my head on his chest, but I have a restless night, thinking of nothing but these three girls and my boyfriend, lonely and horny at college when I can’t be with him. I wish I had never asked. It’s going to make me crazy.
In the morning, it doesn’t get any better when we wake up at ten and Derek says he probably should be on the road by one. I don’t feel like having sex, because I am still upset and now, thinking about him leaving, I am sad as well. We order pizza rather than go anywhere but the next couple of hours are just awkward. We don’t have anything to say, which is a first in ten months - and actually in the many years we have known each other. When one o’clock comes around, Derek looks at me sadly and shrugs. I feel like this is my fault, but I can’t figure out how to fix it.
“I guess I should get going?” He’s apologetic, but neither of us knows what else to say.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I will check the rugby schedule as soon as I get back and let’s Skype tonight, okay?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
He gathers his things and sits next to me on the bed. I am being a brat, but I’m angry and frustrated and I have no control over any of it. He pulls me toward his chest and runs his hands through my hair.
“I love you Lily. The first semester is tough. I missed you so much last year, you know, but then I came home for your birthday and the distraction got me through the rest of the semester. Let me be your distraction, okay? Call me if you need anything. If I am in class or whatever, I will call back as soon as I can.”
“Okay.”
“I love you. You know that?”
“Yeah. I love you too,” I say, because it is true and, this miserable moment aside, I can’t deny that I do.
“Skype tonight, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You wanna come with me to the car or-”
“It’ll be easier just to say bye now,” I say. And so we do. He is gone and I wait, foolishly thinking that maybe he will turn around, come back, and decide that he wants to stay longer. When he texts me an hour later, saying he made it back okay, I collapse onto my bed, crying. I have never felt so alone. In my mind, he’s in the middle of some drunken orgy with three girls right now, even though he is texting me and that makes no sense.
Kristen comes in right before dinner and I must have fallen asleep because the lights are off and she wakes me.
“You okay?”
I nod, but I’m not. I start to cry again and Kristen rushes back to my side, putting her arm around me and hugging me close.
“Oh sweetie, what happened?”
“Nothing. I just miss him.”
“It’s okay. You just need to keep yourself busy, right? Come out to dinner, join a club, get to know some people. Before you know it, the time will fly between your visits. And if it doesn’
t, just get through the semester and you can probably transfer. Although I would hate to see you go. I was pretty excited to have you for a roommate.”
I look to her pink side of the room and think of how nice and peppy she is. “Why? I am miserable and my side of the room is awful.”
She laughs. “You’re fine. Let’s go to dinner and tonight, when we get back, room makeover!”
I should find her annoying, but I have to be grateful for her effort and I smile. “All right. Chicken surprise, here we come!”
“That’s more like it,” she says and leads me to dinner. As always, my group of new friends takes my mind off things. When we are finished eating, Kristen keeps her promise and helps me decorate my side of the room. I don’t have much, but we hang a few more pictures and she digs extra posters out of her closet. She’s the first person I’ve ever met who has extra posters, but they help. By nine o’clock, the room looks like it actually belongs to me and I have to admit it makes me feel a lot better. I don’t even notice the time until she is done. I check my phone; there are no more texts from Derek. I log in to Skype, but he is not online. I try not to let it get to me, leaving my ringer on extra loud, and fall asleep, figuring I will nap until he calls. He’s supposed to send me his schedule and we have a Skype date; I’m sure he won’t forget. When dawn comes, though, there are no missed calls and I worry that everything has already started to fall apart.
Chapter 5
After classes the next day, I feel distraught. I decided not to bring my cell to class, figuring I would keep checking it to see if Derek called rather than pay attention. That would have been bad not only because it would bother me more if he didn’t, but also because I don’t want to start the year off by falling behind. I just promised myself this weekend that school would come first – or at least share first position with my relationship. So I opted not to bring my phone, but when I get back to the dorm, of course, I’m anxious. I just want to check to see if he explained what happened. There has to be a reasonable explanation; after everything we talked about this weekend, I can’t imagine he would just blow me off. Because I am anxious and thinking about Derek, I’m also not paying attention and I walk right into Jack in the lobby. He’s carrying a motorcycle helmet and appears to be in a rush.
“Whoa, watch where you’re going,” he says.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
“You know, princess, you never told me your name,” he teases.
“Not gonna, either.”
“Oh right. Too good for me. Little innocent princess like you.” The way he says it is no longer teasing but bitter and cruel. I don’t know why he feels such animosity towards me; I don’t even know him. He glares at me as if I am somehow to blame for something I don’t even know I did.
“Seriously, what’s your problem?” I’m not in the mood for this.
“I just see the way you look at people like me. Daddy paying for everything so you have no idea what it is really like. You think you have every right to judge.”
“As a matter of fact,” I argue, “I am on scholarship.”
“Oh great, a smart snob.” His eyes run over my body and I feel naked as they come to rest on my chest. I can feel his stare burning through me and I want to cover up.
“Whatever,” I say and push past him. I need to talk to Derek, not defend myself to this asshole. He obviously has problems.
“Hey, princess,” he yells after me.
I tell myself not to turn around as my feet ignore my brain and do so anyway. His eyes are sparkling, teasing me, and he takes out a pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips. He smiles again and winks. It is mockery in its purest form, but it still doesn’t stop my heart from beating a little faster.
“Don’t forget. 401. You look wound up. I would be happy to help.”
He leaves the lobby and I stand there, irritated and also a little turned on. My boyfriend of ten months has not talked to me in almost twenty-four hours, but this guy who is clearly so wrong for me seems happy to pay attention. I shake it off; I’m hormonal, but I love Derek. It might be flattering to have this guy hit on me, but nothing good can come from dwelling on it. Sense kicks in and I run upstairs, hoping there are messages.
There are twenty. Success. Apologetic as hell, Derek’s messages explain that he had to go to a meeting for rugby and got back late and I wasn’t online. He’d left his phone in his car and the shuttle wasn’t running anymore so he went to get it first thing this morning. Of course, it was dead and since it charged, he has been calling and texting. It is forgivable, although I am annoyed that he didn’t even send me an email. Still, he seems contrite in his messages and I don’t feel like fighting. The last day has been awful thinking something was wrong.
He picks up on the second ring when I call him back.
“Lily, I am an idiot,” he says.
“Yeah, you are.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I texted you when I got back and then I was rushing to the meeting and I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Of course I’m okay. I am so sorry, though.”
“It’s fine, Derek. Shit happens.” It isn’t totally fine, but what good will fighting about it do? I am already sacrificing some of our weekends and I don’t want the weeks to consist of us arguing.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, no problem. Next time, text me after getting out of the car, though.”
“Huh?”
“So you don’t leave your phone in the car.”
“Oh, right.” The way he says it is dismissive, but I try to ignore it. Just as there was with his not calling, there must be a reasonable explanation. Maybe I’m just imagining it.
“Anyway, you’re lucky it didn’t get stolen or something.”
“I am also lucky I have the best girlfriend ever.”
“All right. Stop kissing my ass,” I laugh. “So do you have the schedule?”
I sit on my bed and lean back against the wall. Just hearing Derek’s voice relaxes me and I let the day disappear as we talk. Of course, rugby is every other weekend, but I tell myself to be supportive. We both need to be more active on campus. It is actually working, too, until he brings up the worst news of all.
“The thing is, I can come home for Columbus Day, but...”
“Don’t say it.”
“It’s the last match,” he says. “If there is any way I can get out of it, I will. I swear. But you should know now. I really will do whatever I can to avoid it.”
“Derek, that’s not fair.”
The problem is that the last match is three weeks after Columbus Day. The same weekend as my birthday, meaning he won’t be able to spend it with me. It is also our one-year anniversary. That leaves me alone for both my birthday and our anniversary. There is nothing I can say to make this all right; it’s unacceptable.
“I’m so sorry, Lily. Do you want me to quit? I’ll quit.” Of course, I don’t really want him to quit; I can’t ask him to do that. However, a small part of me has to admit that I wish he would quit, so this wouldn’t be happening. If I suggest it, though, he’ll resent me. If I say anything, he will resent me. Then, even if he is around for my birthday and our anniversary, the whole weekend will suck because he’ll be thinking about what he gave up to spend time with me.
“No, I don’t want that. What about our anniversary, though?”
“I promise I will make it up to you the following weekend. It will be so amazing you will forget all about the week before. And I will come up for dinner the night before your birthday - even if it is only for an hour.”
“Okay,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say. If I force him to quit, he will hate me; if I say it is fine, I spend my birthday alone. Either way, it sucks.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
He appears to believe me and we discuss classes and our days, but my mind is elsewhere. I don’t know what I thought w
ould be different, but maybe I assumed that when I went away to college, it somehow would not be more of the same. When I was still in high school, it made sense that Derek and I did not spend much time together, that our worlds were vastly different. I didn’t want to irritate him with talk of Student Council and assemblies and he never talked to me about professors or dorm problems. Now, though, we are back on the same wavelength, yet I feel like we are only getting further apart. I wish I knew how to fix it.
“Listen, Lily, I have to get going, okay? There’s a study session I should go to tonight. Gotta keep those grades up, right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, still thinking about the distance growing between us.
“So we’re good?” It amazes me that he seems so oblivious, but now isn’t the time to bring it up, since we just talked for almost an hour.
“We’re good,” I lie and then he promises to call me the next day. After we hang up, I don’t know what to do with myself so I take a shower, if only to clean myself of the day and of my doubts. While I’m standing under the hot water and thinking about Derek, I suddenly feel angry and want to lash out. It isn’t like me; I have always been a fairly stable person. The rage is undeniable, though, but I don’t know what triggers it exactly. Derek is my first real boyfriend. I love him and he means the world to me, but I guess that lately it seems pretty one-sided. Maybe it’s the feeling that everything is spiraling out of my control, but I need to do something. I need to find a way to regain some semblance of control over my life. I refuse to be that girl who goes away to school and thinks about nothing but how much she misses her boyfriend. Drying off, I decide I am going to see what is happening on campus tonight. Everyone has been telling me to get myself out there; maybe they’re right. A distraction can’t hurt. It has to be loneliness and homesickness that are making things seem so bad.
Conveniently, there is a lot happening around school. Since we are only in the second week, all the clubs and events are recruiting in a mad rush to find people. Nothing really appeals to me, unfortunately; in high school, I only did Student Council and ran cross-country. I consider rushing a sorority for all of ten seconds before picturing an entire house decorated like Kristen’s side of the room and changing my mind. I could write for the paper maybe, but I’m nervous about doing something that involved this early; I’m just starting to get my bearings. I feel so empty. I wonder if everyone goes through this at school. It seems like Kristen and everyone I know has settled and adapted easily. What’s wrong with me? Meandering through the quad, I am lost in my thoughts and walk right into someone. It’s Jack again.
