by S. A. Ravel
“Why won’t they send me back?” Audrey held up a finger and pointed at Haj’erel’s chest. “The truth.”
Why did his aijan always want the truth when it hurt him the most to give it?
“By our laws, I am forbidden to claim a mate. None of my people have taken a human as their aijan. They believed me dead. Since I have survived, I face the same punishments for my failure I would have had I returned uninjured. Matters are…complicated, as Dash said.”
“They’re gonna punish you for getting hurt?! What assholes!”
Haj’erel released a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. His aijan was most beautiful and her smell sweetest when she was angry. But that wasn’t when he loved her best.
“For revealing my true form to the human who shot me,” he corrected. “And to you. When the Grand Hidren–our ruling council–returns from the new harvest grounds, they will hear your testimony and pass judgment.”
“What will they do to you?”
“My crimes are punishable by death or banishment. We feed on energy. We call it chir, and it is most potent from those with whom we share deep bonds. Parents and siblings for the young. Lovers and mates for those of age. You experienced the exchange at the base. Chir provides us pleasure, but also nourishment. For us, banishment and death are the same.”
Haj’erel felt no emotion as he gave his answer. Every second of his time with Audrey had been treason and he knew it. He hadn’t stayed to save her, though he believed the universe would have been dimmer for losing her. Not because he needed her chir, though he doubted he would find a flavor he savored as much for the rest of his days.
He stayed because had longed for his mate. Craved her like a being trapped underwater craved oxygen, and for a few precious hours, Haj’erel could not let her go.
“If you think I’ll say something that will get you killed, you’re dreaming.” Audrey shook her head, as if she couldn’t believe Haj’erel would be so foolish. “I’ll lie and say I didn’t know until I woke up.”
“They will know if you lie. I couldn’t have restarted the portal without revealing my true self to you. This can’t be stopped.” Das’hel had tried while Audrey slept. It had been her idea to further the lie that Haj’erel had already claimed Audrey. Unable to lie to his blood-kind now that he was reunited with her, Haj’erel had refused to answer when she asked. Whenever anyone asked after, Das’hel answered for him.
“You saved my life three times! I’m not going to help them with their witch hunt.”
Not because she loves you as a mate would, because you saved her. What have you to offer? One eye. No Hidren. A den barely fit for a pauper.
She could do better among her own people. She will find a better mate among them. He will not love her more, but he will care for her better.
“Then say nothing to the Grand Hidren, and let me do it once more.”
“Any chance that will happen tomorrow?” Audrey asked.
“I do not know,” he said, hating himself when the hopeful look in her eye disappeared. “I’m sorry, Audrey.”
“I knew what the answer was before I asked.” She blinked back tears and cleared her voice to keep the emotion from it. “What happens to me after?”
“You will be returned to Earth through a portal near a suitable community.” Haj’erel hoped Audrey would let it rest at that, but he knew she would not.
She shook her head, tears filling her eyes and spilling over her cheeks. Haj’erel wished those tears were truly for him and not for the minor part she’d played in his fall from grace.
“Not my house?” she asked.
“You will be taken to a portal and given supplies to link with a Hidren, but they will not send you to a place with no resources. You have earned no death sentence. You know that, Audrey.”
“Of course I do!” she said, but the way her lips trembled made Haj’erel wonder.
You deserve to live, Audrey. You must live.
It was all Haj’erel could give his unclaimed mate. He did not have the power to grant her permission to stay on Tarandus. He could not give back the Hidren she had lost. But with his death, he could ensure her survival. He would fail her once more, but it would be the last time.
Audrey’s brown eyes snapped to him, still red and wet. “This whole situation sucks and you’re just taking it. Which is weird, because everything about my life made you want to fight.”
“That is different,” he said. “You are my aijan. As long as I draw breath, you will be. It’s my purpose to give you safety and comfort for all of your days.”
“My house is comfortable!” Audrey insisted.
“It is not safe,” he said through gritted teeth. How could he make her understand? “You almost died, Audrey. Had it taken me even a moment more to get to the portal, you would have.”
“I did just fine for years.” She balanced her hands on her hips. Her eyes flared with defiance.
Goddess. He loved her best when he saw her strength. When all the reason and logic in the universe told her what was and what could not be, and she insisted otherwise.
How he wanted her. Again! There on the dirt floor of their solitary den if she would let him. He knew she would. Her breath quickened and her color rose whenever Haj’erel touched her, but she would hate him for distracting her after.
“You will do so for many more,” Haj’erel said, looking at her through half-closed eyes. “When you are back among your people, you will find a Hidren among your own kind. Perhaps in Jericho Town, or perhaps you will stay there only long enough to gather resources to move on. But you will survive, Audrey. You will have many more Christmases.”
Audrey opened her mouth to argue. She closed it again without speaking, reaching up to touch her Seed-repaired shoulder.
“I don’t think you get to tell me you’re my one true love and I’ll find someone better on the same night, Haj.” She raked her fingers through her hair.
A wave of exhaustion swept over him. Haj’erel let his head fall back against the wall behind him. He needed chir, but he could not ask his aijan to give it when he had caused her so much pain.
He climbed to his feet, snatching his jumpsuit from the ground and pulling it on.
Audrey sat up in bed, pulling the fur blanket up to cover her bare breasts. “You’re leaving?”
He wanted to believe the disappointment in her voice was for him, truly he did. “I will return. While I am away, you should eat.”
“Aren’t you hungry too?” she asked. “Don’t you need to…you know…do that kiss thing?”
“I will be fine,” he lied. “You will be safe here until my return. Be at ease, Audrey.”
Haj’erel left before his aijan could respond. If she asked him to stay, his resolve might crumble. If her eyes turned to him once more darkened by a sense of betrayal, Haj’erel didn’t think his heart could take it.
11
Audrey
For the longest time, Audrey watched the door in disbelief. Was Haj really going to drop that heavy series of bombs on her and then leave her to sort through it alone? What the hell?!
Audrey knew better than to think Haj would come right back. The alien could be as stubborn as she was. Whether pride or reason convinced her to hold back, Audrey didn’t go after Haj. She tried to keep busy. The small house was simple, but they stocked it well. Someone had even been thoughtful enough to leave a cooking pot, though the Tarandians didn’t seem to need food. She grabbed the knife and cutting board from the pantry, a round bulb that resembled a turnip, and a smooth-skinned oblong vegetable that looked like a potato-eggplant hybrid.
Dash probably stocked the cabin. Audrey diced vegetables and stuffed them into the cooking pot. She seemed to like me. Well, she liked Haj and I together.
To be honest, Audrey kind of liked it too. It terrified her to admit it, but she felt safe with Haj beside her. The roads didn’t seem as long. The dangers around didn’t seem as deadly. But that didn’t make any sense! There was so much about H
aj and his species she was only just beginning to understand. Some of it, like how a wounded soldier got punished because he got help while he was wounded, made no sense to her.
She couldn’t have a relationship with someone whose culture she didn’t understand.
Did Audrey love Haj? She didn’t know for sure. All she knew was the world, whichever world they were on, felt brighter when Haj’erel was nearby.
It was just her luck that her soulmate was a hot, sexy, alien reindeer more interested in her theoretical safety than in being with her.
When the cooking pot was full, Audrey added a ladle full of water from the barrel and placed the lid on top. She slid the cooking pot onto the hearth. Audrey sat beside the fire, staring into it as her thoughts tumbled one over the other until her eyes filled with tears.
She knew she should be grateful, but all she felt was a tightness in her chest that begged to be soothed.
There was no magic wand that would fix Earth or bring her sister back from the far reaches of the universe or Aunt Ruth back from the dead. Audrey had made her peace with all of that years ago just to get out of bed in the morning. But she never expected a being who made her heart race and her skin burn. When she’d gone out to inspect the lake that night, she hadn’t expected to meet someone whose mere presence could make her feel safe and cared for.
She hadn’t expected the connection she felt to Haj’erel. It slipped through all of her defenses, taking her by surprise. So she felt the pain of his rejection full force.
There was only one person in the universe who could soothe the pain away. But he didn’t want to be with her.
A knock on the door roused Audrey from her spiraling thoughts. She struggled to her feet and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before opening the door, plastering a friendly smile to her lips so whoever was at the door wouldn’t ask questions.
The smile faltered when Audrey saw Fancy Robes on the other side of the door. He stared down at her with eyes full of contempt, but his lips turned up at the corners in an expression easily mistaken for warmth.
“Aijan of Haj’erel was it?” he asked. “I am Ujiwan. May I come in?”
Audrey flinched at the title. Technically, that’s what she was, according to Haj, but for how much longer? Did the Tarandians have laws about where their rulers could and could not go? Audrey had no idea. She stepped back and gestured for Fancy Robes to enter. “It’s Audrey, if you don’t mind. Haj isn’t here.”
“Where is your mate?” Ujiwan’s gaze swept over the room.
“He went for a walk before dinner.” Audrey moved back to the hearth and sat down, hugging her legs to her chest. Hopefully pre-meal strolls were a thing on Tarandus.
“When my aijan and I first bonded, I could not be parted from her once the sun set.” Ujiwan lowered his chin. “Our den was my sanctuary. Haj’erel of Hidren Thule has more self-control than I remember. Perhaps his time on Earth has been formative.”
Suddenly, the hairs on Audrey’s neck prickled. Ujiwan’s cold blue eyes watched her every move.
“Humans aren’t quite so possessive,” Audrey said when she could find her voice. “Besides, we were together a lot on Earth.”
“Indeed?” Ujiwan clasped his hands behind his back. He strolled over to the fire and loomed over Audrey. The length of his snout cast a shadow across his eyes. “Enough time for you to take an unknown creature as your mate?”
“When you know, you know, right?”
“Among our people, but among yours?” Ujiwan’s lips tightened into a smile. He was just as tall as Haj, with an extra few pounds of insulation around his midsection. More than enough raw physical power to make Audrey do whatever he wanted.
Damn it, I should have waited for Haj to come back!
“How did your paths cross?” Ujiwan asked.
Too afraid to withhold her answers now, Audrey responded in the vaguest terms she could manage. “I had a run of back luck on Earth and he helped me. Actually, he saved me.”
“Has Haj’erel of Thule told you what will happen to him after you are returned to Earth?”
Audrey swallowed and nodded, her throat clenching painfully.
“It will not be an easy death, Aijan of Haj’erel, no matter what he has told you. He will die slowly and painfully, begging for sustenance that will never come. He may even die whispering your name. He saved your life, by your own admission. Will you really let him die to save your own hide one more time?”
The tears came again, sliding over Audrey’s cheeks. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. “You already know, don’t you?”
“That Haj’erel’s weakness will be his undoing? Yes, I’ve known for years.” Ujiwan’s faux affable smile faded into an expression of pure disgust. “Tell me the truth, and this will be painless.”
Alarms blared in her mind. If Ujiwan already knew they had lied, Haj’s scheme to get her to Jericho Town was over before it had begun.
He would tell me to fight. To lie. To stall or do whatever it takes to get out of this room.
I just want to go home.
Audrey shut her eyes as if that would somehow shield her from the weight of what she was about to do.
“He was just trying to save me,” she whispered. “You have to know from the second we met, everything just kind of…went nuts around us.”
“Humans are magnets for chaos,” Ujiwan said. “It’s why our wajirae stopped harvesting from your dying rock. Haj’s loss was acceptable, but we could not risk our best warriors to your people’s violence.”
I hope all of your people aren’t as sick as you, Fancy Robes. Audrey choked back the comment, gazing up at Ujiwan. “I don’t care what you think about it, I just want to go home.”
Ujiwan waved a dismissive hand. “All in due time, human. If you are no one’s mate, then you are an intruder. Haj’erel will be punished dearly for exposing our planet to your kind.”
Audrey climbed to her feet, belly rolling in knots. “You said it would be painless.”
She had to get away from here. She had to find Haj or Dash or the one in the simple robes nobody remembered to introduce to her. Audrey needed to tell them she had made a mistake. A terrible mistake.
“For you, it will be.” Ujiwan tugged open the door to the small cabin, letting in a rush of icy air.
Audrey sprang forward, running for the door. She crouched low. If she aimed just right, she could duck through Ujiwan’s legs and start screaming.
The Tarandian grabbed a fistful of Audrey’s hair as she slid past and wrenched it back. Burning fire ripped across her scalp. Desperate to end it, she slumped to the floor, moaning.
“Perhaps you will be more useful as an example.” Ujiwan stepped into the snowy night, dragging Audrey by her hair.
Four black jumpsuit-clad Tarandians brandishing spears stood on either side of the door. They fell in line behind Ujiwan as he pulled Audrey.
“Let go of me!” She kicked and twisted, but that only made the pain in her scalp sharper. “Help me! Somebody help me, please!”
No! They’ll find Haj and Fancy Robes will kill him. The least you can do is give him time to run. You owe him that much.
Audrey sank her teeth into her lip. Ujiwan dragged her from the small cabin back to the village. As they went, Tarandians came out of their houses and spoke to one another in their honking language. The members of Hidren Thule, Haj’s family, peeked from their homes to see what and who had disturbed their dinner.
Some ducked back into their homes and closed the door behind them. Others followed.
Ujiwan dropped Audrey in the village center. The guards gathered in between Audrey and Haj’s family, brandishing their spears. Hidren Thule grunted loudly in response. Ujiwan honked louder until finally the group fell silent.
“Don’t call Haj’erel!” Audrey scrambled to her hand and knees. She crawled toward the line of guards. Ujiwan gestured. They moved apart to let her through.
Ujiwan pointed at her, shouting wildly in the Tarandian languag
e. Audrey didn’t understand a word of it, but from the ratio of wide eyes to narrow glares, she could guess. Fancy Robes was telling them the truth and demanding they produce Haj to answer for the crime of saving her.
“Don’t bring him. Please, don’t bring him!” Audrey rose on her knees and waved her arms frantically.
“Most of them do not speak your language, human.” Ujiwan grabbed her by the collar and hauled her to her feet. “Those that do won’t intervene to help an intruder. Humans have cost them two warriors, one to the Joyful Mother’s arms, the other to disgrace.”
Audrey looked at the gathered Tarandians. Nobody moved to help her, but one figure in a hooded robe sprinted away from the village center faster than Audrey had ever seen anyone run. They paused and turned back. It was Dash.
She speaks English. Dash knows the truth.
“Don’t!” Audrey scratched and clawed at Ujiwan’s wrist. She pinched a tuft of hair between her fingers and pulled. The Tarandian dropped her, snarling. Audrey ran after Dash, but the line of gathered Tarandians blocked her path.
“Fire!”
Something cold and wet collided with Audrey’s back. It seeped through her jumpsuit, leeching into her skin. Her body lurched forward. Audrey wasn’t on Tarandus anymore.
She was in Colton Hills in Aunt Ruth’s living room the night she and two of her rich neighbors wrecked a golf cart in the creek.
She was in Oklahoma City, coming home from another retail shift to find an eviction notice on her door.
She was on the tarmac and the Oklahoma Region Launch Depot, waving goodbye to Phoebe and her husband.
She was in the cabin on Tarandus, watching Haj walk away from her minutes after telling her she was the one.
All of Audrey’s worst times, smallest moments, and biggest failures streamed before her eyes on a rapid loop. She couldn’t scream. She couldn’t run after Dash. It took all of her willpower to breathe under the weight of emotional pain.
