by Jake Bible
“Do you have any idea how much dentists cost on Mars?” Jack Connor, King of Mars said, ignoring Rage. “Do you? They are not cheap, sir. Not cheap at all. Even for the King of Mars!”
“Fine,” Rage said and straddled the grav scooter. “I’m leaving without you.”
The grav scooter did not start when Rage depressed the power button.
“It’s out of charge,” Rage said. “Of course it is.”
“Hardly,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said and waved at Rage. “Move. I will start it up.”
Rage got off and Jack Connor, King of Mars got on. The grav scooter started right up.
“Biometric ignition system,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Too many thieves roam the garbage level.”
“Good for them,” Rage said. “Move back. I’m driving.”
“I should think not, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded. “This is my Vespa 3000 and I will drive. Plus, I know these levels and you do not.”
“Max Rage don’t ride bitch,” Rage said. “I’ll drive.”
“Out of the question.”
“I’ll break the rest of your teeth if you don’t let me drive.”
“What is one more broken tooth?”
“Is that more philosophy? Because if it is, I’ll rip your dick off and feed it to you.”
Jack Connor, King of Mars blinked several times in rapid succession. Rage frowned.
“Just move,” Rage said.
“I will drive,” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded and gave Rage a look that said he’d rather have his dick ripped off and fed to him than move.
“Okay, Jackie Boy, you drive,” Rage said sat down behind Jack Connor, King of Mars. “So. Drive.”
There was a squeal and a loud thump behind them both. They turned their heads in unison to see a goggle-eyed mole person clawing its way up out of the garbage. Then seven more fell on top of that mole person. Rage looked up. Jack Connor, King of Mars looked up.
“I say, Maximillian Rage, that is quite a lot of mole people falling directly at our position,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “Approximately three or possibly four hundred of them.”
“Then drive, dumbass!” Rage shouted. “Before they crush us!”
“I shall!” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded and the Vespa 3000 shot forward.
Rage gripped the edge of the yellow seat with all his strength, which was a bad idea since he was pretty damn strong. He ended up tearing two large chunks out of the seat. Rage tossed the chunks aside and decided not to mention it to Jack Connor, King of Mars. No point in distracting the moron.
They raced down the corridor of the garbage level.
Rage’s already considerable frown deepened. Maybe race wasn’t the right word…
“Is this as fast as this thing goes? Rage asked.
“Yes!” Jack Connor, King of Mars called back over his shoulder, his hair waving in Rage’s face even though they didn’t seem to be going fast enough for his hair to be waving at all. “Quite peppy, don’t you think?”
“No, I don’t think!” Rage shouted.
He looked over his shoulder and several hundred mole people were not only on their tail, but catching up.
“This thing has to go faster than this!” Rage yelled. “How fast are we going?”
“Thirty-five Martian miles per hour!” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied. “Now, be quiet, Maximillian Rage! At this speed, I need all of my concentration!”
“Thirty-five? Thirty-five!” Rage jumped off the Vespa, grabbed the back of the seat, and yanked the small vehicle to a halt. “I can run faster than that!”
He crouched and studied the small grav engine. Then he began yanking off wires and crimping tubes with his bare hands. He swore loudly as his palms were burned from the engine, but Rage didn’t care. They were about to have a few hundred mole people attack them, so what was some crispy skin?
“There!” Rage yelled and shoved Jack Connor, King of Mars to the back of the seat.
“I told you already, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars protested, “I drive my Vespa 3000. Hey… What happened to the seat?”
Rage climbed in front, grabbed the handlebars, revved the grav engine, and grinned.
“Hang onto your leather underpants, Jackie boy,” Rage said. “This is gonna hurt.”
“Hurt? Why would it—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
The Vespa 3000 shot down the corridor, no longer going thirty-five Martian miles per hour. It was going nearly twenty times that and Jack Connor, King of Mars was screaming at the top of his lungs as the flesh of his face was shoved back, his mouth open, cheeks flapping in the wind.
Rage was laughing his head off.
“Yes!” Rage said. “Now that’s speed!”
“My brain is on fire!” Jack Connor, King of Mars screamed. “All of the blood in my body is boiling!”
“Oh, shut up, you wussy!” Rage called back. “I’m not going that fast!”
“Worm butt!” Jack Connor, King of Mars shouted.
“Yeah, well you’re a donkey dick!” Rage shouted back.
“No!” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded. “That’s a worm butt ahead!”
Rage squinted into the gloom of the garbage level corridor. The Vespa 3000’s headlight wasn’t the greatest. Rage wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. At least not until they were almost up on the worm butt.
“SHIT!” Rage yelled as he laid the grav scooter down.
The floor of the corridor tore into Rage’s jeans then into the flesh of his leg as they slid toward the massive worm butt. Somehow, Jack Connor, King of Mars, had managed to climb up onto Rage’s top half and was clinging to him tightly.
“Get off me!” Rage shouted as the grav scooter came to a halt only half a meter from the worm butt. He shoved Jack Connor, King of Mars and the man was sucked through the Sphuncter’s sphincter. “Oh. Crap.”
“Who’s that knocking at my ass?” a voice asked.
Rage knew the voice.
“Missy T?” Rage asked, tossing the Vespa 3000 off of him so he could stagger up onto his feet. One half of him looked normal. The other half was a mangled mess. “Is this your territory, too?”
“Max Rage, baby!” Missy T cried. “What a pleasant surprise! And, yes, baby, this is part of my territory too.”
A thought struck Rage hard.
“Missy T! Do not eat the man that flew into your ass!” he cried. “That’s Jack Connor, King of Mars and I’m helping him out.”
“Oh, glad you said something,” Missy T responded. “I was about to suck him dry. Now, how about you hop up inside Missy T, baby, and tell me what you two strapping men were running from.”
Rage didn’t have to explain much. The massive mob of mole people was already catching up despite the grav scooter’s supped up speed.
“Them,” Rage said and hooked a thumb at the mob.
“Mole peoples? Ah, I hate mole peoples,” Missy T said. “Climb on in, baby. Missy T will take care of those little rodents for you, don’t you fret none.”
“Thanks, Missy T,” Rage said and climbed through the Sphuncter’s sphincter like it was a normal thing to do.
Considering the past couple of days, for Rage, it was a normal thing to do.
“Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars cried when Rage caught up to the man. “You threw me into a Sphuncter! We’re doomed!”
“Chill, Jackie Boy,” Rage said. “Missy T is a friend. We’re good.”
“You’re better than good. Jackie Boy, is it?” Missy T said.
“Well, no, it is Jack Connor—”
“Hush now, Jackie Boy, Missy T is about to take care of your mole peoples problem,” Missy T interrupted. “What I need you two to do is run up ahead about sixty paces then stop. There’s an empty pus pocket there you can climb into while I have a little snack. No matter what you do, do not come out of that empty pus pocket until Missy T tells you to, you understand?”
“Loud and clear,” Rage said and yanked Jack Connor, King of Mars by the arm. “Better hurry our asses, Jackie Boy. We do not want to be anywhere near this shit.”
“No, you do not,” Missy T agreed.
Thirty-Five
Rage and Jack Connor, King of Mars just made it to the empty pus pocket when the air inside Missy T began to rush past them. Rage shoved Jack Connor, King of Mars inside then climbed in after and wrapped a flap of Sphuncter flesh up and over both of them.
“For a former pocket filled with pus, this is quite comfortable,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said and nestled his body into the soft folds of Missy T.
“Not nap time, Jackie Boy,” Rage said. “Stay awake. Once Missy T is done, we’re gonna need to get moving. I do have some people to meet up with and if you want off this orange rock, you’re gonna have to keep up.”
“Oh, I can keep up,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I am quite—OH, MARS!”
“What?” Rage yelled.
“Lawrence! I left Lawrence back on the Vespa 3000! We must go back for him!”
“You didn’t leave him on the Vespa,” Rage replied.
“I didn’t? You have him?”
“What? No. He never made it onto the Vespa. You left him in the pile of garbage.”
“NOOOO!”
Jack Connor, King of Mars made like he was going to shove past Rage. So Rage punched him again. This time it was between the eyes, not between the lips. Jack Connor, King of Mars was knocked unconscious instantly. Rage wedged him between some flesh folds then got comfy as Missy T did her business.
The moisture level inside the Sphuncter increased exponentially and Rage thought he might drown just by taking a breath, even inside the empty pus pocket. He toughed it out until the air dried out and Missy T’s body gave a happy shake.
“Ahhh, there we go, baby,” Missy T said. “Drank them mole peoples dry. Yum.”
“They taste good?” Rage asked, not sure why. He really didn’t want to know.
“I’ve had better, but you take what you can get,” Missy T said. “Uh oh. What happened to your king friend?”
“I knocked him out,” Rage said. “He wanted to go back for Lawrence.”
“Is Lawrence his boyfriend?”
“No, his trident.”
“Oh. Missy T don’t quite know what to make of that.”
“Best you make nothing of it.”
“Then I won’t.” Missy T sighed contentedly. “Now, Max Rage, you have done me a great favor by bringing me a meal of that size. I may not eat for long while now. What can Missy T do to repay you?”
“I need to get to the docking bay where one of the people I’m working with has her ship,” Rage said. “Hopefully that’s where they’re going.”
“Oh, Max Rage, I am so sorry, but I can’t go as far as the docking bays,” Missy T said with honest regret. “Those are off limits to us Sphuncters. Earth Corp has put something nasty in the ground to keep us away. Makes all of us Sphuncters sick as Martian dogs, and let me tell you, Martian dogs can get mighty sick. Out both ends at the same time.”
“How close can you get us?” Rage asked.
“Do you know which docking bay it is?”
Rage growled. “No. But the ship is a custom built XeneX 3232 Deuce. Does that help?”
“Max Rage, do I look like I know a custom built zexy whatsit from a third asshole?”
“No…?”
“That’s right. Now, this ship, is it expensive?”
“Yeah.”
“Is it made to shoot things?”
“Yeah.”
“Would Earth Corp hire it to shoot things?”
“They might. They hired the pilot.”
“Then there are two options. I can get you close to both. I’ll drop you in the middle. That’s the best I can do.”
“That’ll work. Thanks, Missy T.”
“My pleasure, Max Rage.”
“Max is fine,” Rage said.
“Oh, I know, but Missy T likes saying your full name. It’s kinda sexy. Max Rage. Just rolls off the tongue. Not that I have a tongue, but you know what Missy T means, baby.”
“I do,” Rage said as Jack Connor, King of Mars started to come to. “He’s probably going to freak out a bit. Sorry.”
“No problem, baby,” Missy T responded. “Won’t be the first person to wake up inside me and lose their shit.”
Jack Connor, King of Mars opened his eyes and blinked. Then he began to sob.
“Lawrence!” he cried. Literally. “Oh, my friend! How could I leave you?”
“Damn. This boy really liked that trident,” Missy T said.
“He did. A lot,” Rage agreed.
“Stop speaking about him in the past tense!” Jack Connor, King of Mars sobbed. “Lawrence is a trident, not a puppy! He’s back there!” Jack Connor, King of Mars’ eyes got wide and stared at Rage. “We could go back to get him. The Sphuncter has taken care of the mole people. We could go back.”
“Oh, baby, there’re thousands and thousands more mole people down here, you know that,” Missy T said. “Go back and get your big fork if you want to, but Missy T won’t be waiting to help you out again. Missy T has things to do today, baby.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Rage said. “We aren’t going back.”
“But, Maximilian Rage, we—!” Jack Connor, King of Mars began.
“No fucking way!” Rage shouted, shutting the man up instantly. “You want off Mars? Then you’re coming with me now. We are not going back to get Lawrence.”
“Your cruelty knows no bounds, Maximillian Rage,” Jack Connor, King of Mars stated. “Have you not loved something so much that you would risk all for it?”
“Yes,” Rage said. “Me. That’s why we’re leaving. Now.”
“You two got that all worked out?” Missy T asked. “Because we should get going. I can put away some mole people when I need to, but the eighty-five thousand, three hundred, and four that are scurrying their little behinds toward us are a bit much even for me, baby. Now, if I was a couple thousand years younger I might be able to suck that kind of feast down, but I ain’t, baby.”
“Take us where you think is best,” Rage said. “Just glad I’m not on a party barge right now.”
“Oh, the party barges are so disappointing,” Jack Connor, King of Mars responded. “Have you seen what they charge for drinks?”
‘That’s Earth Corp for ya,” Rage said. “Bleed ya dry while you think you’re having fun. Just like when I used to commit genocide for them back in the day. It was all fun and games wiping out entire planets until the nitpicky performance evaluations came back. Bunch of bureaucratic fuckheads.”
“I am both shocked and confused by many of the words you used,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said.
“Missy T?” Rage asked.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Move on out.”
“Gladly, baby. Gladly.”
The ride was smooth and quick. Mostly because Missy T was so gigantic that Rage and Jack Connor, King of Mars walked a good deal of her insides before she came to a stop.
“Alright, now I’ll open wide so you two can climb on out of Missy T,” Missy T said. “I’ve already checked the vibrations and there ain’t no mole people around. There’s something going on up top, so be careful. Can’t tell if it’s friend or foe, but it’s busy.”
“Probably Scorchers still going wacko and killing each other,” Rage said.
“No, don’t think it’s that,” Missy T said. “I ain’t hearing killing. Death has a vibration and there’s no death going down. Just a lot of busy work.”
“Great,” Rage said. “Maybe Earth Corp has finally pulled its head out of its ass to take care of the Scorcher mess that Sandy caused.”
“Sandy? Who is Sandy?” Jack Connor, King of Mars asked.
“Lord Sahndle,” Rage said. “A Ghej prick that hired Nargle Boof to… Never mind. Too long of a story. We need to get above and find the others before they take
off without us.”
“Ghej,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I despise the Ghej.”
That got Rage’s attention. “You do? You don’t seem like the despising type, Jackie Boy.”
“The Ghej have refused to recognize my royal authority on Mars,” Jack Connor, King of Mars snapped. “My name is Jack Connor, King of Mars, after all, yet they insist I am not of royal blood so I cannot be considered a proper king.”
“Did you tell them about the egg?” Rage asked with a smirk.
“Of course I told them about the egg!” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied earnestly. “The egg is very important!”
“Man, if they don’t take you seriously when you get suckered into an egg by some weirdo, then how can you ever be taken seriously?”
“My thoughts exactly, Maximillian Rage!” Jack Connor, King of Mars replied and shook his head. “My thoughts exactly…”
“Anyway, time to go, Jackie Boy,” Rage said. “Missy T, a pleasure.”
“All mine, baby. All mine,” Missy T responded.
The two men walked a little further until the end of Missy T spiraled open. They walked out into the tunnel.
“Which way?” Rage asked Jack Connor, King of Mars.
“Oh, I have no idea,” Jack Connor, King of Mars said. “I am not familiar with this area. I rarely navigate the subterranean levels of Mars without assistance from either the mole people or Ned.”
“Okay, then we should…” Rage paused. He thought for a second then decided that if he didn’t ask now it would only come up later. “Who’s Ned?”
“Who’s Ned?” Jack Connor, King of Mars laughed hard. “Why, only the best map in the solar system! Ned can get you anywhere.”
“You named your map of Mars Ned?” Rage asked.
“I did not name him, he was already named Ned when I arrived.”
“I am sure he was,” Rage said and pointed. “That looks like a good direction.”
“It is, Max Rage,” Missy T said as she began to squirm in reverse away from the two men. “Keep walking until you hit the bend in the tunnel. Should be a ladder not far after that. But, like I said, be careful, baby. Missy T don’t know what’s going on up there, but it sure is loud.”
“Thanks, Missy T,” Rage said. “We’ll be careful.”
