We laugh and he laughs too.
“Grandpa, why do you seem so surprised at your own voice?” Etienne asks.
“I’m unaccustomed to being involved in family discussions, so I’m the last person you should listen to.”
“Dad, Zo and I raised our sons by ourselves with zero help from their fathers. We were able to do that because you supported us. You were dead or wherever, but we never lacked for anything. That, if nothing else, gives you a voice here. No matter how I feel about you, you have rights … with us.”
He wipes his eyes and Zoi holds his hand.
“Etienne, you want to see him?” Zoi asks.
“I think so,” he responds.
“I have always wanted you to know him or at least feel like you have a father and that’s why we sent you to St. Matthews with Roland and Zander even though Keith wasn’t your father.”
“He felt like my father and Uncle Matt felt like my uncle, so I’m not bitter. I would still like to sit across from him and see if I look like him or how I’ll look when I get old.”
“Etienne, he’s forty. He’s not old,” I say defensively.
They laugh.
“When are you going back to school?” Zoi asks.
“Sunday,” he says with a big grin.
“What’s the happy look for?”
“I have a date with Kaitlin tomorrow.”
“Oh lord,” Zoi exclaims. “Are you still fascinated by her? I thought she said you were too young.”
“Who is Kaitlin?” Dad asks.
“She’s Nella’s secretary. Etienne worked at Nella’s company for three summers and he’s had the hots for her from day one. How old is she, Nell?”
“Too old for Etienne but I’m staying out of it,” I say as I walk to the kitchen.
“Mom, it’s just a date. I finally look like a man and if she wants to try me out I’m game.”
“I’m not here for you if she breaks your heart; no matter what, you go back to school on Sunday.”
“Of course,” he says with a big scamps’ grin and leaves for his room.
“Zo, I’m going to have to cook downstairs, you barely have food.”
“We’re going out to dinner, you should invite Mark.”
“No. He needs a break from me.”
“Do you want a man’s opinion on that?” Zoi asks.
“No, and I don’t want yours either.”
I can hear the two of them whispering. I’m glad that it’s easier for Zoi.
“Aunt Nella, can I help you cook?” Etienne asks. I give him a puzzled look trying to figure out what he wants. He grins. “You know what’s wrong with you and mom? You don’t know when not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’m being genuine.”
“And if I offer you some money for your date tomorrow, would that gift horse stop trying to con me?”
“This gift horse would be grateful.” I reach for my bag and give him two fifty dollar bills. “Yes! You’re the best, Aunt Nella. Thank you,” he says and starts back to his room.
“Ah, excuse me! You offered to help me cook, remember?”
“Oh yeah,” he says and backs up.
“Come sit with us while I talk to Dad.”
Etienne and I sit down.
“Dad, how did you and Mom meet?” I ask.
“I was at Oxford and your mom was in nursing school. My family lived about a hundred miles outside London. I was in a car with my friends on my way home and we stopped at the signal. She was waiting on the bus. We locked eyes and I got out of the car straight away. I stood beside her and my friends glared at me. I brushed them off. When the signal changed they took off and I stayed with her.”
“Just like that?” Zoi asks.
“Yes, but she wouldn’t speak to me. I stood there staring at her dark skin and exotically beautiful face. I was so smitten; I was speechless. The bus arrived and my heart panicked, but she didn’t get on. She finally turned to me and asked how many buses she was going to have to miss before I spoke. I still couldn’t get the words out. The next bus came and she took my hand and dragged me on with her. She took me home and told her mother she was keeping me.”
“How did your family feel about her?” I ask.
“They didn’t like her. I was betrothed at the time to be married in six months. We were childhood sweethearts, but after I saw Sheron my heart was hers. Six months after we met, Sheron was expecting. Her parents were incensed and demanded she got rid of it. Her dad was very ill then and her mother wanted her to finish school. I dropped out and found a low paying job, so Sheron could finish. She miscarried. She was devastated. We got married and moved to a slum flat in East London. I hated it, but Sheron never saw the filth. All she saw was me,” he says grinning.
“Why didn’t Granny Nanny take you in?” Zoi asks.
“She did. In less than a year Sheron was expecting again. She was finished with school and when I went back to ask my parents to help with my fees for school they were already done with me. Your grandmother took us in, so I could finish. She made sure we were doing well and eighteen months after you were born Eunella, your grandmother went back home. She hated the cold and she missed her husband.”
“What was it … what was it like having me?” I ask, not looking at Dad.
“Look at me,” he commands and I look with tears in my eyes. “You were all I ever wanted. I thought Sheron was all I would ever need, but she had this obsession with having my children. I went along with her because I loved her, but when I saw you, held you, smelled you, I fell in love all over again. You had Sheron’s fortitude too and when you told me you loved me the first time my heart literally melted.”
“What happened when you had mommy?” Etienne asks.
“When Sheron said she was expecting again I groaned. She promised me it would be a boy to balance out Eunella. We practiced and practiced, but you betrayed me,” Dad says with a big grin.
“What did I say?”
“You were supposed to say ‘we want no more babies,’ instead you told her ‘we want baby Zoi.’ Eunella and I waited for you almost all day in the hospital, Zoi. Sheron was sure it was a boy and when Eunella saw you she pointed and said Zoi and we had no choice. You stole my heart too. Your eyes were blue when you were born. Sheron was afraid people would think you didn’t belong to her. I think you belonged more to Eunella than to us though.”
“She was always crying and at night I had to get out of my bed and stick my finger in her mouth to keep her quiet or talk to her until Mommy got her bottle.”
Dad stares at me. He nods. “Yes. I remember one night Zoi was cranky and Sheron was tired. I didn’t want to get up, but I knew if I didn’t you would, so I dragged myself out of bed and before I got the milk Zoi had stopped crying. You were leaned up against the crib fast asleep with your finger in Zoi’s mouth. I picked you up and held you in one arm and Zoi in the other. We slept that way the rest of the night. You were an amazing child.”
“I think Aunt Nella still thinks Mommy is her baby. She would defend Mom till the end. She loves her more than she loves us,” Etienne says, looking at his mother who promptly puts her tongue out at him.
“That’s because Daddy ordered me to not let anything happen to her.”
“How do you remember that far back?” Etienne asks me.
“I don’t know. I used to remember Mom’s face up until I had Roland. I think I lost brain cells then.” I stare at Dad. “Are you sick or on medication or anything?” I ask him.
“I have enough medication for six months; I’m not sick, just getting old.”
“Were you in the secret service?” Zoi asks.
“Yes and most of it I can’t talk about.”
“You at least have to tell Nella what happened to you thirty years ago. They thought she had jumbie on her and almost killed her too.”
I get up and walk to the window. I fight back tears.
“Why am I so connected to you?”
He stands and walks over to me.
/> “Although I did you wrong, you are my child, of my soul. Your color is your mother’s, but your face and spirit are mine. I survived because of what I feel for you and I have to make it right with you. Zoi belongs to the three of us, me, you and your mother; but Eunella, you are mine,” he says as he embraces me from behind.
“Dad I hurt; I hurt so badly sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself,” I say as I cry in his arms.
“I’m here and we’ll make it right.”
Darnell walks in the door and stands staring at us. Then he looks over at Etienne. “Oh boy, what happened?”
“This is my home; I can be here anytime I want,” he says and walks past Darnell to his room.
“Is he in trouble, Zo?”
She shakes her head and he passes Dad and me on his way to his bedroom.
“When do I get to see the rest of my grandsons?” Dad asks me.
“I guess we could bring them home for a weekend or we can drive up and see them.” I say.
“I’m too close to my due date, Nella. Let them take the train or the bus,” Zoi says.
“We should go to dinner, I’m starving,” I say.
On Saturday morning my friend, Paul, who’s starting a magazine, calls and invites me on a date for Saturday night. He was the second guy I had slept with, but it was really bad sex, no chemistry; so we both gave up on it and decided to stay friends. He has been trying to get me to agree to write a column for the magazine, but he’s having trouble with the funding. His date to the black tie gala cancelled on him at the last minute, so I agree to go. My only hesitation would be the possibility of seeing Leigh.
I wonder what Mark would think, but we aren’t dating and he’s in Canada. I know he expected me to say something about his ex-wife, but why should I? It’s his relationship or sex life or whatever it is, and he should end it, not me. If I told him I would date him and he ends it and I change my mind then what? Well, I will not take responsibility for what goes on between him and Chloe. Yet another cute name I have to compete with, or not.
At the function, I’m a hundred percent comfortable being with Paul. He doesn’t know me that way either, but I’m not forced to be nice or to curb my language. If I’m abrasive or if my hands are ashy, I don’t have to explain myself. We have a culture, a language and appearance in common.
After we’re seated, I look around to see who I know and spot Joline. After a while, I see Leigh. I don’t know the woman next to him, so I keep looking around.
“You know what I never understood? You and Leigh. The guy’s a pompous arse. How did you ever hookup with him?” Paul asks.
“I thought you liked him,” I say, inspecting his face.
“I like him well enough, but I’m not the one who was sleeping with him, you were.”
“How’d you know I was sleeping with him?”
“He told me.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to be attached, so it wasn’t that type of relationship; it was just meaningless sex.”
“I didn’t know woman did that too, and if it was just sex why didn’t we just keep at it.”
“I actually like you.”
He laughs out loud and I like the sound of it.
“So what about now? Are you beyond just sex or can we try again?”
“Not if you want me to write the column.”
“I want you to write the column,” he says, as he squeezes my hand.
After dinner, Paul and I dance together. At one point, I’m seated with Joline while an older couple waltzes on the dance floor. He’s obviously mixed and she’s not as dark skinned as me but dark. They appear to still be in love. The way he looks at her makes me smile. They can dance too. When the song is over, he holds her against him and they slowly move as one when the music resumes. I well up, I want that. I excuse myself, stand and tunnel my way outside.
The parking lot is well lit, so I walk to the closest lamppost and find my cell. I call Mark and get his voicemail.
“Hi, it’s Nella,” I say with a sigh. “I don’t know why I’m calling you. I’m on a date … and I’m calling you. How pathetic is that? I’m sorry; I hope your visit is exactly what you want and needed. Bye.”
I turn around and Leigh is walking toward me. I hold my ground.
“You look stunning tonight,” he says.
“You’re very handsome too,” I say in earnest. His black suit fits well.
“Are you and Paul dating now? Does he know that you’re married?”
“Paul and I are not dating. We are on a date just for tonight. He doesn’t need to know my business.”
“I miss you.”
“I don’t see how. We had sex once, maybe twice a week. I’m sure you’re still getting that, so what’s to miss?”
“Nella, I miss you. I miss your voice, your presence, you. Are you so out of touch that you don’t get that? It was more than just sex for me. I love you.”
“Leigh, have you ever performed oral sex on a woman?”
His face shows shock. Has he never heard the words oral sex or is it that I have the nerve to mention it?
“Why are you being vulgar? That particular act should only be between a man and his wife.”
“Well, the next man I go out with has to be able to at least say oral sex comfortably and then perform it skillfully before I lie under him. Good night, Leigh.”
I imagine that he will be telling his friends how utterly disgusting I am and why he could never be with me again. I walk back inside to my seat. All I want to do is go home and get away from all things involving relationships. I find Joline, then walk to the bar and order a gin and tonic. I down it in one go and then order a soda.
“Are you having a bad night?”
I turn and he’s not so tall, but dark and very handsome.
“Actually, I was just wondering why I came; but I suddenly remembered and thus the soda,” I say, raising the glass to my lips.
“Are you here alone or do you have a significant other?”
I stare in his face. He’s not pulling any punches, is he?
“I believe the proper way to become acquainted is to say your name and ask me mine.”
He grins and I like his smile. He has perfectly capped teeth.
“I’m Dr. Hollister,” he says and holds out his hand.
“And she is Dr. Blakely,” Paul says, just in time. We shake hands and Dr. Hollister politely smiles at me. He hangs on to my hand. “Nella, this is Ronald, one of my biggest investors. Ronald, this is Nella, our columnist if you can keep your eyes and hands off her.”
He turns my hand over and kisses the middle of my palm.
“Nella, I’m a silent partner and if you don’t tell, I won’t either.”
“What do you have in mind, Dr. Hollister?”
“How about a dance first and anything after that will be your idea,” he says.
“Sounds pretty painless,” I say, and turn to Paul. “Darling, be useful and hold my purse,” I say as I shove it on him.
Paul laughs and takes the purse. We’re friends, so he knows what that means. Dr. Hollister wants to play; but Paul has my purse, so he better not leave without me.
Ronald and I dance a few numbers. I like him. He grew up with Paul in Curacao and has just taken up residence in New York after living in California for the past twenty years. He’s a medical doctor, divorced with a grown son. We part when he has to use the restroom. I find Paul with a big grin on my face.
“Nella, don’t. Ronald’s a playboy and you’re not ready for that. He’s my friend and so are you. If you play with him, it’ll be disastrous. Trust me on this one.”
“I’m not looking for marriage, just someone dark and handsome who understands me.”
“As opposed to what?”
I fall silent. Mark pops into my head. Paul holds my arm. “Tell me.”
“As opposed to white and can complicate my life.”
He laughs. “Have you ever looked in the mirror? Your skin is dark, but you hav
e a very European face, especially that nose of yours.” I touch my nose, my Dad’s nose. “And your hair is short and all laid down, but it’s as far from black hair as you can get and still be acceptable to us.”
“And your point is?”
“Don’t judge a man by his looks. Ronald had three wives. They didn’t leave him because he’s dark and handsome. If you play with him you won’t do the column.”
“Okay, you’re my friend first and I probably like you better; so I’ll just dance with him and if he asks for my number I’ll give him yours.”
We laugh together out loud.
The next day I sleep until eleven. I got in at five, so it wasn’t so bad. As soon as I open my eyes, Mark is in my head. The best way to shake it off is to run.
What Paul said comes back to me. Would I be considered a prejudice person? I’m judging Mark before I know him, so yes; but I don’t judge everyone before I know them. Darnell is white and he’s fine for Zoi but not for me. I prefer to have someone of my own color. It’s a preference, a choice made out of experience, right? I choose not to go out with a white guy and a white guy chooses not to go out with me.
I run.
But what if he sees my face and chooses not to go out with me because I’m black. I like him and he overlooks me because I look the way I do. Daddy left because he couldn’t raise two little black girls by himself. He married a black woman and they planned to raise their mixed race children together. Mom dies and he doesn’t know how or he chooses not to or he simply cannot. He made a choice and he hurt me. But why did he make that choice and why am I still hurting myself?
I stop running and bend over to catch my breath.
My hurt is not just skin deep. It’s in my soul. It’s as if I swallowed it; it’s festering, poisoning me. He made a mistake. If I hear him say Eunella, I made a mistake, I was wrong, would that make it okay? Would I be able to vomit what I swallowed and let a white man love me? Will I be able to relax and enjoy my life? Why is it such a big deal now? Why not five years ago or next year?
I have too much time on my hands now. I need some things to do. I need to occupy my time, get busy and stay busy.
I run again but slower this time.
TAKE ME as I am Page 10
