When he jumps off the chair, the hate in his eyes tells me that he’s taking me seriously.
“Apparently the last time we met you didn’t get your say. This is your opportunity. Say it, or use the time to recruit Zander, so he doesn’t feel left out.”
“Mom!” Zander cries.
He turns to Zander who is biting his lip. Zander stands and walks behind the chair I’m sitting in.
“Dad, this is my second year and although I’ve declared a major I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. St. Matthews is okay, but I don’t think I can live there. Anyway, like I said it’s my second year.”
“Zander, please think about it. You have two years and things are changing in St. Matthews. We’re not as far behind as you may think.”
“I’ll think about it, Dad.”
“Thank you.”
He turns back to me and I sense he’s not done.
“Roland and Zander, two doors down on the right is your uncle’s suite. Can you please wait there for me? I sense your father has more to say to me and he’s holding his anger in check for your sake.”
“Are you sure, Mom?” Zander asks.
I walk over to Roland and kiss his cheek.
“I’ll be fine.” I hold Zander’s hand and kiss it. “I’m sure. Now go.”
After they leave, I turn to Keith.
“Go ahead, let it all out. This is your last chance.”
“You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I know what I did was wrong, Nella; but you just ran off. I loved you and you just left.” He says left like it was offensive.
“What you did to me didn’t warrant running off? I left work excited and drove to your office to tell you the papers came from Barbados. Rhonda said you were in the field, but somehow I knew to go home. I was so shocked I couldn’t move. Then you raped me. You raped me in a way that no woman … no woman … should be violated … and then turned it into a gruesome threesome. Then you asked Kingsley to rape me too. You really expected me to do nothing?”
“I expected you to run to my parents and I expected them to kill me or bury me alive or something. I was actually relieved when you left. I couldn’t believe you didn’t tell anyone. Then my relief turned to anger when you refused to send my children home to me. When you asked me to pay their way back I refused because I thought if you were having a hard time you would have to come back. Nella, I really loved you.”
“Fuck you, Keith, again and again,” I say pointing at his face. “You’re a stinking bastard and to say you loved me after what you did says what a son of a bitch you still are.”
“Even a son of bitch can fall in love, Nella,” he yells. He covers his face and turns away from me. “Because of who or what I am I have to question every relationship. I’m forced to lie to myself and others constantly. I sleep around knowing that I cannot be close to anyone except Kingsley. You both know the absolute truth about me. Everything else is speculation. Before you knew, you loved me. You were the first woman I made love to. When you didn’t leave me after I didn’t know what I was doing the first night, I told myself I was straight.”
I hold up my hand to stop him.
“Hol’ up. I was the first girl you made love to?”
“Yes. The rumors were just that.”
“But you were having sex with Kingsley before that.”
“Yes,” he says reluctantly.
“Why straddle the fence? Why not stick to one side.”
“That side in St. Matthews? With my parents being who they are?” He pauses, then stops, stares at me and then grins. “Matt used to come home and talk about you all the time. He would quote you on politics and my mother fell in love with you. He would have wet dreams about you, but he was afraid to touch you. I watched you with him and you had no idea how he felt. When my mother suspected what I was up to, she proposed a match between us and Matt sat there fuming and never said a word. I told her okay.”
“Matt knew you were gay?”
He nods his head. “He caught us. After the shock passed he told me I was his brother and he would never tell. When you called him in Antigua and told him about me and Kingsley, that night he came back with the papers. After he made me sign them, he promptly beat the shit outta me. I know you didn’t tell him that I forced you or the rest because he would’ve killed me.”
Tears of relief run down my face. Matt didn’t forge the emigration papers. All these years I was afraid Keith would try to use that against me, but … Matt didn’t … I stop, wipe my face and turn to Keith.
“Why are you telling me the truth?”
“Because I was satisfied with seeing my sons during the summer, but since they stopped coming I realize what I’ve lost. They’re your children. They will never know what it is to rule a country. My sons should be preparing to be in my position and I have no say over anything they do. I’ve lost and it finally dawned on me today that there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I was afraid you would show up one day and ruin my life, so I stayed angry with you. I refused to support my sons out of spite even when Matt threatened me. Now I’m the big loser.”
“Keith, I would never have …” I stop. I swallow hard. “You forced me to keep a secret and I’m still too ashamed to tell anyone. I got away from you and that was enough except you refused to help support your children.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you sick? Why you are coming clean to me? And aren’t you afraid that the room is bugged?”
He laughs. “I love Kingsley and he deserves my full attention. And yes … I’m HIV positive and I already had the room dusted.”
“Oh, my God! Keith, I’m so sorry.” I stare at his face and just like that I forgive him. “Can I say something? It’s mean, but I would like to say it anyway and then we’ll bury the hatchet.”
“You’re going to say something about karma. I didn’t spend the money on my children, but I will have to spend it on medicines and treatment now, right?”
I nod in sadness. “Who else knows?”
“Just Kingsley. He’s fine, so I’m glad for that.”
“Had it ever occurred to you to move and go to a more friendly country?”
“It has occurred to me, but I will stick it out until I can’t.”
“Why tell me?”
“You’re the mother of my sons and the only other person I have ever loved or felt emotionally close to. I trust you completely.”
“What about Matt?”
“I will tell him in time. He’s worried about Samantha and the pregnancy. He needs to focus on that. My parents deserve grandchildren they can play with everyday.”
“I will keep your secret. Gather your men and come for dinner. My father is cooking and he probably needs my help.”
“Nella, are you happy?”
I stare up at his face. I didn’t expect that question or the tenderness in his voice.
“Yes and he’s going to ask me to marry him at the party tomorrow.”
I feel differently about myself and my life. I’m no longer a virgin and I’m not crazy.
Keith is going to die. He may outlive me; but he has a death sentence and he waited until he got that news to settle down. What am I waiting on to happen to me? Maybe for lightning to strike or for Mark to walk out of my life leaving me hurt and feeling abandoned again.
I’m going to be easier.
I’m going to be better.
I’m going to be happy.
On Friday afternoon Matt, Roland, Zander and I take the train to Brooklyn from Manhattan. We feel like a family, and I’m glad I decided to send them to Matt years ago. I close my eyes and ask God to give Matt healthy babies and to preserve his relationship with Samantha. She loves him. I can still hear the love in her voice whenever she talked about him. We weren’t meant to be, Matt and me. What I feel for Mark and what I want to do with him I have never even daydreamed about doing with Matt.
“Matt, thank you for everything. I’m sorry I forced a wall between yo
u and Keith where you had to keep protecting me.”
“It was nothing, Nella. We’re friends and it was necessary.”
“Well, we have finally resolved it all. I’m sorry I was so short sighted and put you on the spot to betray your brother.”
He looks at me.
“It wasn’t a betrayal. It was protecting Keith from himself.”
“Thank you.”
I ask Zoi to bring Tempest to my apartment and the get-together starts early. Zoi and Matt talk about old friends we shared and where they are now, and I participate in the conversation while I help Dad prepare the food. When we start to talk politics, Dad joins in the conversation too. He knows as much or even more about the system than we do. Matt’s delighted to meet Dad and he asks him all sorts of questions.
At around four-thirty Keith shows up with his colleagues. Zoi greets him warmly, but Dad is noticeably reserved. Keith searches my face for a clue and I shrug my shoulders. The boys invite him to their rooms and he disappears down the hall with them. Soon after, both Trudy and Etienne arrive minutes apart; I see the same look on Etienne’s face that I saw on Mark’s face when he was introduced to Trudy. Later, Darnell joins us.
While we’re cleaning up, I mention to Dad that he may have a fight on his hands for his girlfriend. He knows exactly what I mean. He promises me jokingly that he will shoot all three of his grandsons if any of them cross the line and get fresh with Trudy. Dad also wants to know why I didn’t invite Mark.
I stop to think about it. I haven’t spoken to Mark all day.
Neither of us called. That is strange.
Is he upset with me?
Oh God, I say to myself as I stack the dishwasher. I got caught up with my family and didn’t get a chance to call him.
I check to see how much food is left and in what condition. I grab my phone and call him. I hear weariness in his voice and tell myself it could be about work. I ask about his dinner plans and offer to bring him some, but he declines. He says he’ll see me at home. We both hang up.
He’s upset. Maybe not upset, but he’s definitely something negative. This dampens the party spirit for me, but I shrug it off and keep my eyes on the time.
Later, I explain to the boys that their grandfather and Trudy have use of the apartment for the week and they should all sleep upstairs. They’re not happy, so I ask them to work it out with their grandfather. At eight o’clock, I call a cab and say bye. I will see them at the party tomorrow.
I let myself into Mark’s apartment. He’s seated on the sofa watching TV. I walk up behind him, bend over and kiss his neck. I wrap my arms around his shoulders while I keep my face in his neck area until I feel him slowly relax.
“The phone works two ways. You could’ve called me as well,” I say, before I release him. He reaches up for my hand and holds it as I walk around and join him on the sofa. “Was it just me who tired you out or was work also a hassle?”
“It was you,” he says, putting his arm around my shoulders.
“You want to talk about it or can it wait until I shower?”
“I haven’t bathe yet, so we can talk now and shower together later.”
“I got caught up and it slipped my mind to call you. I thought about you, it just never reached my fingers to pick up the phone. What’s your excuse?”
“Jealousy. Matt and … I don’t know … Matt.”
I look at his face and he manages a self-conscious smile.
“You really should be ashamed.” I turn to the muted TV and continue. “Anyway you were right, so maybe you had cause.”
He grins big. He likes that he’s right.
“Keith and I talked and the unfinished business between us is now finished. So you were right and according to Keith, Matt was in love with me back then. You were right about me being as innocent as Zoi sometimes because I had no idea.”
“What was the trouble you were anticipating?”
“Keith wants Roland to quit school and go back home to learn the job of chief minister.”
“I can see a father wanting that, but after not supporting his sons it would be difficult to even ask. So you went off on him.”
I laugh. “I didn’t. For one tiny moment I felt like your mother must feel about you every day. I felt like I raised them right. I hoped I did my best and when Roland told him he did not invest in his education, I believed and I relaxed.”
“I wasn’t always this son who you now know. Mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager. One summer I ran away to Jamaica to live with my grandmother. Granny was so upset she wanted to physically beat me. She actually tore a switch from a tree and when she saw I had no idea what she was about to do she just laughed. I chopped so much wood and weeded so many vegetables that summer I didn’t have a choice but to start listening. It took time.”
“I’m glad you weren’t perfect. I wish I had invited you over after work. Both Matt and Keith and two of Keith’s cabinet members and the guy I found in bed with Keith, Kingsley, were all there. Matt, Zoi and Keith talked about our lives back then and I was a handful. My grandmother always implied that I was but … you know … I thought she was exaggerating.”
“I can see you weren’t a child to be pushed around. So why did you invite them over?”
“Keith and I talked. I called him a son-of-a-bitch and he told me even a son-of-a-bitch could fall in love. He said he loved me and because I didn’t leave him the first time he made love to me he thought he was straight. It was actually his first time making love to a girl.”
Mark’s eyes opened wide. “What else?”
I replay the conversation for him except I don’t tell him Keith has HIV.
“What excuse did you give the boys to be here?”
“The boys feel about Trudy the way you did when you first met her.”
“What?” He stares at me and I glare back with a grin.
“Okay, I admit I was surprised at your father’s … ah … ancient Chinese secret, but once you talk to her you forget that she’s gorgeous and she’s … you know … just a girl,” he says reaching over and kissing my cheek.
“Well Etienne, Roland, and Zander are still at the gorgeous stage and I suggested they sleep upstairs, but I left them to work it out with Dad. Tonight, I don’t think they give a hoot where I am. And speaking of Dad, if I told you I was homeless what would you say?”
“Are you homeless?”
“It’s a hypothetical situation.”
“I would ask you to move in with me. What did Ben do? He didn’t strike me as a gambler.”
I laugh. “Do you understand hypothetical?” I ask, stalling.
“I do, but I know you,” he says, inspecting my face.
“I don’t want to tell you, but … okay.” I stop and look down at my hands. “Dad wants my apartment. He’s going to stay and Trudy is now working in New York, so it seems as if they’re going to give the relationship a chance.”
“Just like that?”
“I think she probably used my pole and you know how that is,” I say laughing.
He laughs too. “Yes, I do know how that is. So are you?” he asks with a somber look.
“Yesterday I would definitely have said no, but today I’m saying yes, but we need to talk first.”
“The closet is big enough for both of us.”
“It isn’t just about the closet. This is your home. I’m old enough to have thought about all the negative things that can happen. I have friends who have gotten kicked out of their boyfriend’s place and some who have done the kicking out. The thing I know for sure is, in my apartment I pay the mortgage and no one can kick me out.” I stop and laugh. “Except my father.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“That the one thing we didn’t talk about will happen.”
“When we get married we will have to live together. You do realize that.”
“I do and we should talk about how it will all work. If I move in here what bills will I be responsible for?” I ask with m
y eyes glued to the muted TV.
“Are you nervous about not being able to afford to live here?”
“Yes and no. I’m afraid if you ask me to pay half the mortgage I won’t be able to afford it and I’m scared you will say I don’t have to pay anything.”
“And if I say to trust me that will certainly freak you out.”
“Yes, it will.”
“Okay. You said you are now earning less than half of what you used to earn, right?”
I nod.
“If I know you, and I do, you have no credit card bills.”
“Only what the boys use at school and I usually pay that off each month.”
“Do you pay rent?”
“Yes. The two top apartments take care of the mortgage; but both Zoi and I pay rent and it stays in the account to cover future expenses, the taxes and the water bill.”
“What happens if you move out?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t know what my father’s financial situation is. I don’t have the nerve to ask him.”
“I think Ben’s doing just fine. The shoes he wears cost over four hundred pounds.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I have a pair I bought in London.”
“Mark, you wear four hundred pound shoes?”
“I do.”
“See what I mean? I have a limit on how much I spend on everything. Nothing means that much to me.”
“Except an Ivy League education for your children.”
I turn and glare at him and just as quickly look away. A good education is important.
“Okay. I walked into that, but what I’m trying to ask is how do we meet in the middle?”
“Let’s say you move in here and you’re not obligated to pay the rent on your old apartment, what if you pay half of what you paid for rent?”
“Why? I know your mortgage is considerably more than twice my rent.”
“Nella,” he says rubbing my arm, “being here should be beneficial to you. You should be saving money.”
“Mark, I’m not a charity case. Whatever my income, I can pay my way.”
“How did things work when you were married?”
TAKE ME as I am Page 25
