Tonight has been everything the start of Christmas should be. From getting our trees, to decorating them and the house, to our first Christmas story of the season before Chase took the girls up to bed to tuck them in. It’s been the wonderful night I hoped for.
It was the perfect way to honor my parents on the anniversary of their deaths.
“I miss you both,” I say quietly to their picture on the mantle. “We had a lot of bad days, a lot of them, but every year we had days like today that I’ve remembered and held on to my whole life. The kind of days I hope our kids remember just as fondly, too.”
“They will.”
Chase’s response startles me and I put a hand to my chest, letting his arms wrap around me from behind, calming my racing heart.
“I didn’t know you were back yet,” I say, settling back against his chest.
“Sorry,” he mumbles into the crown of my head. “Your parents would be so proud of you. Of our family.”
I nod my agreement and stare at their picture. They really would.
“You know how they always got that one special gift for each other every year, and how we’ve adopted the tradition for ourselves?” he asks after a while.
“Of course.”
“Have you gotten my present yet?”
I shake my head no. “I haven’t had time. Not with the trip to Vegas for finals and everything else. I’m sorry.”
He chuckles and kisses my shoulder. “It’s fine, really. I haven’t gotten yours either. But it’s sort of perfect, because I know what I want.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” I can’t lie, I’m beyond curious. Chase never asks for specific gifts. And shopping for him is like shopping for the richest man on the planet. What do you get for the man who says he has everything already?
He hesitates to answer, taking more time than I’m used to with him, before he lowers his voice to barely a whisper and responds, “Let’s have another baby.”
I laugh, loudly. “Be real, Cowboy. What do you want that I can actually get you for Christmas?”
“Allie…” He spins me to face him, allowing me to see just how serious he is. There isn’t a trace of humor anywhere on his face. “We’ve talked about it before. We both agreed three was our magic number, let’s start trying.”
My body stiffens beneath his touch and I shake my head, rejecting the idea.
“Now isn’t the right time, Chase. You’re gone more now than you’ve ever been. We have a little more to pay off until we own everything outright. It’s just…it’s not the right time.”
“If we wait for the right time, we will never have another. If it’s not payments and rodeo now, it’ll be the girls' lives getting busier, or business being crazy here later. There will never be an ideal time. You know that."
“Don’t you dare tell me what I know, Chase.” I pull back from his grasp and take a step back.
“You know what,” he drops his arms to his sides, his voice tinged by sadness and defeat, “forget about it. We’ll wait. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve been thinking about it all day, keeping my mouth shut, and it just came out. I’m sorry.”
There isn’t any anger evident in his eyes. There isn’t tension in his body as he slides his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me back to him, kissing my forehead. All that’s visible in his features is defeat.
“It’s been a long day, we should get some sleep, too.”
He lets me go and turns to walk away, carrying the empty boxes with him to put back in the crawl space before he retreats to our room. All I can do is watch in stunned silence.
A baby? That’s the last thing I expected him to ask for. He’s been thinking about this all day? I’m so confused. I’m…stunned.
Chapter 4
Chase
I regretted the words the second they slipped from my lips. I knew better. She deserved better. I had no right to spring my request on her like that four days ago.
Not one.
Not in that way.
Not at that time.
Not while she was clearly having a moment of grief over the anniversary of her parents’ deaths. And certainly not so casually as asking her to make that my Christmas gift.
I’m so damn embarrassed and guilty about it. I want another little Canton in our lives so badly, but not at the expense of her feelings and desires. Not if it will put a strain on her. Because more than anything in this world, I love her. She is my top priority always. That’s not how it sounded, or looked. Especially not when I walked away from her and went to bed.
If one were to look up the definition of an asshole in the dictionary, they'd find a full, blown-up picture of me, accompanied by my name, and the label, "World's Worst Husband."
I’m not sure we have ever not touched or said a word to each other before we’ve gone to sleep, in all of our nights together. But that night? We may as well have had the Great Wall of China between us. And I’ve been trying to make it up to her since.
As I replay it over and over in my head again for the millionth time, she walks into our office, where I’m not really watching video from my final ride like I should be.
She’s looking for something on the desk, but right now I don’t care what, and it’s really not that important—but my guilt is.
“Hey,” I say with a forced smile. “Come here for a second?” I hold my hand out for her to take, closing my fingers around hers and bringing her into my lap.
“Hello to you, too.” She wraps her arm around my neck and kisses my cheek. “How’s video going?”
“It’s really not, I was thinking about other things.”
“Like?”
“How much I love you. You know that, right? You know you are my whole world and you’re enough, the girls are enough.”
“I—” Before she can answer, the shouts from down the hall get closer and closer until our girls are tearing into the room—shouting at each other—arguing over who gets to pull the next link off the bearded Santa to countdown to Christmas.
Allie takes charge of their argument instantly, cutting them—and me—off before another thing can be said about it, swearing to throw the Santa away if they don’t learn to work together and share.
This woman—this fierce, beautiful, intelligent, woman—is the most amazing mother. She’s already given me more than any man could ever deserve. It truly is so much more than enough. These three feisty girls filling my office with shrieks, tears, and excitement are my everything.
It’s the most settling thought I’ve had in the last four days. While she continues to play referee, I rest my chin on her shoulder, smiling like an insane man, because I don’t need any more than this in my life to be happy.
“Ava and Aubrey,” Allie says in an exasperated tone, “go into the kitchen and wait for me, we will sort this out in there and start dinner. Got it?”
They both nod and walk out, continuing to bicker all the way into the kitchen.
I place a kiss on her chin and chuckle, loosening my grip around her so she can get up.
“Your hand was too low there, Chase.” She points to the screen where my ride is still playing, and then stands from my lap. “And, I love you too, you crazy man. I know we’re enough.” She leans forward to kiss my lips, lingering long enough to allow the girls to start arguing even louder again, before she pulls away.
“I’ve got to go settle this before I go insane. Dinner will be done in about an hour… Don’t miss it.”
She’s out the door and off to wrangle our girls again in a blink; her retreating back and soft laugh reassure me we are okay. We will continue to be. No matter what happens.
Chapter 5
Allie
The past eight days have gone by in a blink, each has been ticked off with one less link in the paper chain Aubrey made at school to count down the days until Santa arrives.
Today is that day, though. The girls each grab part of the last link of the chain hanging from Santa’s beard and count
down from five before pulling it off together.
"Santa's coming tonight, Mommy!" Ava whisper-shouts, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Can we stay up to meet him this year?"
“Pleeeese!” Aubrey adds.
Chase walks into the room just as they both start to beg, and laughs, telling them, “If you stay up to see him, Santa won’t come. He can’t reveal his magic to little kids or it would ruin Christmas, so you have to go to bed on time tonight. That way he can keep his schedule and make it to everyone’s house.”
The man is the child whisperer. It doesn’t matter what it is, he can get through to our girls in a way they not only understand, but so easily accept, it never ceases to amaze me. He was made to be a father.
Yet, aside from asking me eight days ago, he hasn’t brought up us trying for another again. He apologized, in his way, and let me know that we are enough, as though I thought we weren’t. But it killed me when he said it. I never once thought we weren’t enough. Ever.
Since we were in his office four days ago, things have been normal again—he shows me affection. We've been together, and shared mommy and daddy moments when the girls have been asleep or at school. From the outside, nobody would notice anything wrong. He would let you believe nothing is wrong.
But it is.
I see it with every smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I’ve seen the slight curve of his lips toward the ground when we’ve been out shopping for the girls and passed by the baby aisles. He won’t tell me it hurts him. He’s always had too much respect for me, for my body, my right to make decisions for myself; he won’t bring it up again. It is my decision now. And if I never want another again, he would accept that. I know it like I know my name.
“Babe,” his voice pulls me from my thoughts and I look at him.
“Huh?”
“Ava asked you a question.”
I turn my attention to her and wait patiently until she says, “Can we watch one last Christmas movie with you and Daddy before we go to bed tonight?”
“What movie did you want to watch?” I already know what she’s going to say. It’s the same movie we watch every Christmas Eve. But I don’t answer her request yet.
“We have to watch Santa Clause still. He’s coming tonight. We have to watch his favorite movie.”
“Oh my goodness, you’re right!” Both of their eyes light up with my response. “Go put your jammies on and Daddy and I will get everything set up so we can watch the movie. Hurry up!”
The girls run off and Chase laughs. “Did you think she’d forget, too?”
“I wasn’t sure. It’s been such a busy day that we almost forgot the last link,” I grin. “Think they’ll make it through this year?”
“Not. A. Chance.”
I laugh, pressing a kiss to his chest. “Me neither. You grab the movie and I’ll grab the blankets and pillows, then we’ll meet back here to make cocoa?”
“You got it, Darlin’.” He winks and heads off to find our movie, while I grab all the extra blankets and pillows from the hall closet and set up our little blanket bed on the floor by the fireplace and tree.
After we’ve all gotten ready and made our cups of hot chocolate, we hunker down, all four of us on the blankets, to watch The Santa Clause.
The hot mugs are forgotten fast as both girls snuggle into Chase’s sides. Aubrey falls asleep first, and it’s almost immediately after we turn the movie on. Ava fights it a little longer before she loses the battle, too, and starts snoring quietly against him.
“I’ll get them up to bed,” he whispers over Aubrey.
“Need some help?”
He nods and carefully stands up, lifting Ava up with him. “Can you lift her into my other arm? I can get them both to their rooms from there.”
I bend and pick up our little one, who weighs a lot more now than she did even last year at this time. “Are you sure you’ve got them both?” I ask him.
“Easy peasy, they’re light as feathers. I just didn’t want to risk hurting one of them by picking them both up at the same time while I stood.”
"Show off." I smirk, and move Aubrey into his other arm, watching both girls cling to him before I kiss their heads so he can take them to bed. He moves with such ease, stepping over pillows, blankets, and presents while he carries them away. The same thought from before hits me again—he was meant to be a dad.
I clean up the cocoas, turn off the movie, and wait for him to return.
“Ava woke up long enough to ask if Santa was still coming,” he says when he comes back.
“She loves Christmas so much. It makes my heart so happy.”
"She takes after you," he responds and wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly.
I burrow in, taking in the smell of his cologne, and hug him back, loving the rumble of his chest against my ear when he adds, “We should probably unhide the Santa gifts and get them under the tree.”
I reluctantly let go of him in agreement, and we work together to place the girls’ gifts beneath the tree, making sure there is a good mixture of gifts from ‘Mom and Dad’ and ‘Santa’ scattered all around it.
“Hey, Cowboy?” I tug my bottom lip between my teeth, waiting for him to turn around.
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been thinking,” I say hesitantly, my voice shaking just a little. It’s now or never, Allie. And as long as we are in it together…
“That’s always dangerous,” he teases, and turns to face me. “What’s going on inside that beautiful brain of yours?”
“I want to give you one of your presents tonight.”
“Okay…”
I hold my hand out to him, waiting for his fingers to slide over my palm, and then I smile at him. “Let’s start trying.”
“For?”
I can’t help the giggle that slips past my lips at his response. He really wouldn’t have pushed again, no matter how much he wanted it.
“Let’s start trying to add one more to our family.”
I watch his face anxiously, seeing the confusion morph into understanding, and the understanding into elation as a wide smile fills his face.
“You’re serious?”
“I’m serious. And I’m sorry for how I reacted last week, I—” He cuts me off when he pulls me into him and seals his lips over mine, kissing me with such intensity I have to break away for air.
“Don’t apologize. Never apologize for that. You’re really sure?”
“Yes, baby, I’m absolutely positive.”
He lifts me into his arms and spins me around a few times, laughing and kissing me over and over.
His excitement and joy are contagious, and as he slowly lowers me down his body, back to my feet, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
“I love you so much, Chase,” I mutter against his lips between kisses.
“I love you, too.”
“Make love to me?”
He rests his forehead against mine, still smiling, and asks, “Out here?”
“Mhmm. Out here. In front of the fire and tree.”
His answer is silent, but obvious, as he slowly peels me out of each layer of my clothes, kissing my shoulders and chest as my shirt falls to the floor just before his does, too. His pants go next before he kneels at my feet, sliding my pants and panties down my legs. He leans forward and presses the softest of kisses over my belly, where our next child will grow inside me.
“Lie down, Darlin’.”
He lowers me to our blanket bed then moves over me, taking so much care with his every touch, it steals me of my breath.
His hands are so warm and soft as they move over my body, caressing me, enveloping me in warmth and love. His fingers move nimbly over me, spreading my arousal, making sure I’m as ready for him physically as I am mentally.
I reach for him, sliding my fingers through his hair and bringing his head down to mine so our mouths can connect; it starts slowly with little flutters of our lips against each other's before they part, allowing
a slow dance between our tongues.
I spread my legs a little wider for him, leaving space for his body to fit between them, and reach for his length, finding it hard and ready. I guide him to me, letting him part me and push inside.
He’s not in a hurry tonight. Neither am I. This is about so much more than sex and pleasure. It’s about trust. And love. It’s our agreement and commitment to expanding our family. Even if we do have to wait until I see my doctor again.
We move together, a leisurely give and take with our bodies, him sliding in and out with a slow and steady ease, me taking and squeezing, accepting him like the perfect fit he is for me. He kisses my lips, my forehead, my temple—whispering how much he loves me—how I was made for him and only him. He's taking me higher and higher; my body’s natural response around him, to his touch and words, makes him climb that peak with me until we’ve reached the top together. Then we fall as one over it, with each other’s names a breathy whisper on our lips.
Epilogue
Chase
It’s bright and early on Christmas morning, and Allie and I are up already, making our coffee and waiting on the girls to roll out of bed, just as Allie’s parents did when she was a little girl. And we have the cookies I didn’t eat last night out at the table so they can dig into them after they open presents. It’s a tradition Allie didn’t want to lose when we got together and decided to have kids of our own, and I couldn’t have agreed more.
I would give that woman the world if I could. It's the least she deserves for everything she has already given me, and for what she agreed to give me last night, too.
Her gift to me made last night a Christmas Eve to remember. When I asked her to have another one of my babies last week, I didn’t know something could hurt so bad as her saying not yet. I felt it deep into my bones. But I respected it. I would never force my wife into that. And if she never wanted another again, I would be the happiest and luckiest man on earth to have her and our two girls already.
They would be more than enough.
But to have her say she wants another child with me, no matter how crazy our lifestyle is, and we can handle anything—even another little life—together, is the single, greatest, most powerful feeling in the world.
More than Winning (Cowboys and Angels Book 0) Page 3
