"Cam, I can't. That's it. I can't do any more."
"Hey, you're okay. I'm here and you're safe. You are okay." Camden moved to put his arms loosely around her and look into her eyes.
Alessa allowed herself to stare into his eyes and to feel his bare chest under her hands. She focused on his corded muscles and the smooth, golden tan along his skin. She concentrated on the feel of his warm skin against hers, but his skin was wet. It was wet and slick because it was covered in the water of the Ocean, the Sacred Ocean, her sacred grave. Alessa couldn't breathe.
"Cam, please. I can't, please." She allowed the panic in her voice to show through. She wanted him to realize how important it was that she get out of there. She felt her hands begin to tremble and tears sting her eyes.
Just as he began to pull her into him and move to the shore, a wave rolled upon them that took Camden by surprise. Because his arms were around Alessa, she was not able to move above the wave and was rewarded with the salty water covering her face. In the instant she was under the water, true terror immobilized her. After a moment of paralysis, Alessa began to thrash about and fight for the surface and the shore.
Alessa felt Camden tighten his grip on her. In her rational mind, she knew that he was pulling her towards the shore, but in her head he was responsible for this and she needed to get away from him. She wanted to get to shore under her own power and leave him far behind.
Alessa found the ground with her feet, surged up, and pulled herself away from Camden. She ran towards the shore, relief finding her gradually as her body emerged from the water. Once she was clear of the rolling waves of the Ocean, she threw herself onto the sand, curled her knees up under her arms, and rested her face on them. She rocked back and forth slowly on the sand, begging the sun to warm her chilled body.
"Alessa," Camden was right beside her, but thankfully kept his hands to himself, "Alessa look at me."
Alessa didn't move. The gentle rocking was slowly bringing her back to herself, but she continued to tremble and tears were streaming down her face. Camden touched her shoulder lightly.
"Why?!" Alessa shouted, "Why, Cam? Why would you make me come here? Why would you make me do this?"
Camden looked at her, speechless. His mouth hung slightly open as he started to speak. Alessa didn't want to hear him.
"Six months, Cam. I am going to die in six months," she enjoyed watching him flinch and continued, "I don't need this. I don't need you pushing me to do things I don't want to do. I don't need the Minister forcing me into events that I don't want to attend. And, most of all, I certainly don't need to fall for someone when I'm not going to be around in a few months to do anything about it!"
Alessa gasped at her admission. Then, embarrassment overtook her fear. She turned her face away from Camden, no longer able to look into his eyes, and watched the waves roll to the shore. For what felt like an eternity they sat in silence. Without a word, Camden pulled Alessa into his arms. She tried to pull away, but her body was weakened by her faded adrenaline and her will was defeated by his closeness. Although she was mortified, his presence still comforted her. He held her tight, his arms never loosening, as silent tears fell down her face.
After Alessa had finished crying, her face had dried, and her skin had warmed, she shifted and sighed deeply.
"So do you forgive me?" Camden's voice was quiet and he didn't look her way.
"Forgive you for what?" Alessa turned to face him, forcing him to look into her eyes.
"For making you go in the water."
"Yeah, I forgive you for that one," she said with a sarcastic laugh.
"Wait, what else is there to forgive me for?" He moved to face her sitting cross legged in the sand.
"For witnessing my tirade," Alessa shook her head as she turned to face the water again.
"Oh," Camden's voice was soft and he stayed quiet for a long time, "well that part I definitely don't regret. Falling for someone, huh?" She could hear the smile in his voice without looking at him.
"You're impossible," she scoffed, still facing the Ocean.
"But apparently you like it," he said, truly laughing this time. Alessa started to turn her back to him, shame warming her cheeks more than the glaring sun possibly could. Before she could turn completely, Camden grabbed her knees, swung her back around to face him, and took her face in his hands. "I definitely like it."
Alessa allowed him to pull her face to his. She allowed her lips to part as he kissed her deeply and allowed all of her fear, anxiety, and embarrassment to melt away on the fire of his lips. She slowly lifted her hands to trail along his stomach and chest, reveling in the feel of his strong muscles and adoring the way they contracted under her touch. She heard him inhale sharply and allowed her hands to run over his shoulders and down his bare back. Alessa raised herself up on her knees and sat over him, running her fingertips lightly along his back as she took control of their kiss. Camden's hands left her face, trailed down her arms, and rested in a tight embrace around her waist as they pressed their bodies and lips together.
As the fire in Alessa’s stomach heated her throughout, Camden's arms loosened around her and he pulled back. Alessa sat back on her heels and allowed her hands to fall away from him. Camden ran his hand through his hair and breathed deeply.
"Let's get you back up to the Manor. Khi will be looking for you soon." Camden stood quickly and offered her a hand to help her stand. Alessa felt slightly dazed. She didn't know if it was from the swim or the kiss.
Without a word, they pulled on the clothes they had worn over their swimsuits. Camden stopped before ascending the hill to the Manor. He looked at Alessa, seemingly perplexed. Alessa felt uncomfortable under his hard stare. Finally, when she was ready to ask him why he was staring, he stepped close to her, pressed his lips to her forehead, and took her hand in his. With her hand wrapped comfortably in his, Alessa walked back to the Manor.
"Hey, where have you been?" Khi said, greeting them before they entered the Manor from the courtyard. "Why is your hair wet?" His question was suspicious.
"Well, umm, we went swimming," Alessa tried to keep her voice light.
"Oh yeah? How did that go?" Alessa didn't miss the pointed look Khi gave Camden, nor did she miss the slight shake of Camden's head. She wondered what the silent conversation was about.
"It was fine," was her simple answer. Khi eyed her questioningly, but kept whatever he was thinking to himself. Alessa couldn't help but mourn that the closer she got to Camden, the farther she seemed to get from Khi. It was like they couldn't both exist in the same reality.
"So are we still doing dinner?" Khi's query was far more suggestive than Alessa liked and she wondered if he was trying to make Camden jealous.
"Oh, yeah, of course. We always have dinner together on your shifts." Alessa tried to take the innuendo out of Khi's suggestion. At her remark, Camden pulled her into a tight hug. Turning her so that Khi couldn't see, he pressed his lips against her neck. Her pulse quickened and she began to pull away, but Camden kept his hold on her tightly until a few seconds past what was a proper or friendly hug.
"I'll see you later," Camden said softly as he pulled away from her. She turned so that Khi was behind her and pointedly rolled her eyes at Camden. He laughed loudly and walked away. Alessa turned to Khi and was greeted with his angry eyes following Camden away.
"Hey," Alessa placed herself in Khi's line of vision, "thirty minutes and I'll be ready, okay?"
"Yeah sure, see you in the dining hall."
"Why don't we just eat in my room," Alessa missed the days that they had an intimate friendship.
"Yeah sure, sounds good. I'll come by in thirty minutes."
After a wonderfully hot shower that removed all of the gritty sand from her skin, Alessa dressed quickly and sat on her couch waiting for Khi to arrive. A knock on the door signaled his arrival. She skipped across the room and opened the door to him.
"Hey!" Alessa was happy to see him.
"Hey yourself,"
Khi responded, his tone slightly chilled.
"So, do you want to eat on the balcony?"
"Sure, the food will be up any minute."
"Khi, what's the problem?" Khi and her relationship had been slowly distancing, but it was clear in that moment that Khi was angry. Khi sighed deeply.
"Nothing is wrong, everything is fine," Khi said with agitation in his voice. Alessa said nothing, just continued to stand in front of him and looked at him expectantly. "Alright fine. I miss you, Less. I know you like Cam, and that's fine. Like I said he is a good guy, but I miss you."
"Khi," Alessa threw her arms around his neck and was rewarded by being lifted off of the ground in one of her favorite bear hugs, "I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not spending as much time with you, I really am."
"I know you spend my whole shift with me and I certainly don't have room to complain. It's just that I know he takes a lot of Alec's shifts and, I don't know, I guess I'm a little jealous. I'm used to being the only guy in your life, other than your dad, and I didn't usually have to compete too much for your attention."
"Khi, I don't think how much time we spend together has anything to do with it. I think it's how we spend time together. It seems like we barely talk anymore, and when we do talk we don't talk about anything that matters." Alessa could feel that ache of missing Khi deep in her chest.
"Yeah, I think I agree." Khi's voice was quiet and he didn't meet her eyes. Just as she began to speak again, a soft knock sounded at the door. "That's the food, I got it. Want to open up the balcony?"
Khi went to the door as Alessa walked to the balcony and opened the doors. The sun was just starting to set over the district and Alessa was stricken with how beautiful it was.
There will only be so many more, she reminded herself.
Alessa shook her head and turned to watch the food be placed out on the table. After the staff had left, Alessa settled herself at the table and waited for Khi to join her. After a long silence, Alessa couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'm sorry, Khi," she said weakly.
"Less," Khi began. He shook his head and turned to her, "Less, I'm sorry. I've been kind of a jealous jerk. You didn't do anything wrong, okay? Nothing at all."
They finished their meal in relative silence, breaking it only to talk about trivial things. When they were finished, Khi stood and walked to the door. Alessa followed him. He turned to her, wrapped his arms around her, and held her close to him.
In that moment, in the circle of his arms, Alessa could almost convince herself that everything was okay. She was almost certain that nothing was changing and that Khi was not pulling away from her so quickly she couldn't follow. Almost.
She took a moment to wonder if he really was pulling away because of Camden or if he was trying to protect himself from the inevitable loss. The thought made Alessa sad. She guessed that many people would try to protect themselves in different ways in the months to come.
Khi loosened his grip on her and used two fingers to lift her chin so that she was looking into his eyes.
"I'm on overnight, I'll be right outside if you need me."
"That's nonsense, Khi, why don't you stay in here? At least have the couch." Alessa wanted desperately to keep Khi close. He continued to look at her for a long moment. "Khi, you will always be my best friend in the world. I love you dearly, no matter what."
He smiled at her, not quite his old smile, but close to it. Alessa's heart warmed a little. He turned away from her door and took her hand as they walked over to the couch. Pulling her in to cuddle with him, he settled them on the couch where they talked and teased into the night.
Alessa made a conscious effort over the next weeks to hold on to the connection that she and Khi had finally reestablished. Alessa realized that she was happy. She rarely thought about the Ceremony. Camden and Khi kept her days busy with activities and fun when she wasn't working out with Evan. She had dinner with her parents often and avoided the Minister as much as she could. Camden had tried to take her back to the Ocean several times, but quit when they both realized that it was going to end with much of the same results. They did discover, however, that she could stand to be in the pool again, and they spent many days swimming, racing, and playing in her favorite room.
One day, Alessa and Camden were leaving the pool, laughing and tired, when they ran into Alessa's mother. Alessa's relationship with her mother had improved, although not greatly, over the recent months.
"Hello, mother. How are you?" Alessa smiled as they approached.
"Alessa, I need to speak with you in private. If you will excuse us, Camden," Alessa's mother took her arm and directed Alessa towards her room.
"Of course," Camden said to their receding backs, "I will be right outside of your room, Alessa."
After the door had shut behind them, Alessa's mother waiting while she wrapped her wet hair in a towel and changed clothes. Moments later, they were seated facing each other on the plush couch.
"What in the world was that all about, mother?" Alessa hadn't heard her mother be so formal in months except when speaking to the Minister.
"Alessa, I know I am about to say something you won't like, so I am warning you now. Please, try to remember that I love you and this is for your own good."
"Alright, go ahead," Alessa said warily.
"Alessa, what do you think you are doing with that boy? Do you think that making him fall in love with you is the best decision? After the Ceremony, he will be left very lonely and very sad, Alessa. Look, I want you to have the best time these months, I truly do, but I also don't want you hurting others in the process. Me, your father, Khi, we can't be helped, but Camden, he doesn't have to hurt."
Alessa was shocked. At a loss for words, she simply looked at her mother. She couldn't feel angry, hadn't her mother just articulated all of the thoughts she had been having? Of course, she remembered that she had confessed on the beach that she was falling for Camden. He had responded by kissing her and they had spent a lot of time together since then, but he had never actually articulated his feelings for her. He was older than her, and she did not know his past prior to becoming her guard, perhaps it was all just fun for him.
"Mother, I don't think he feels that way. I think this is all just fun. We both know it will end."
"If you think that boy doesn't care for you, you are blind," Alessa's mother said plainly and Alessa couldn't stop from smiling. "Besides, sweetheart, I can see that you are also developing feelings for him. I worry about that more. Alessa, what you are expected to do is hard, monumentally so, and having a tie as strong as young love is going to make that task impossible." She was quiet for a long time. When Alessa looked at her, there were tears in her mother's eyes.
Alessa grabbed her hand as her mother continued to speak, "I hate this for you. I hate that you have to do this. I wish I could take your place, but it is what it is. We cannot change the ceremony, but there is one thing you do have control over, Alessa." She looked deeply into Alessa's eyes as she spoke, "You can hold tight to your dignity. Don't let them take your grace away from you, Alessa. Be strong and hold your head high."
They sat in silence for minutes that felt like hours, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Alessa's mother squeezed her hand and stood to leave.
"Mom, wait," Alessa stopped her. She threw her arms suddenly around her mother and wrapped her in a tight hug. Alessa's mother returned the hug and they held each other close. "I love you, mom."
"Oh, sweetheart, I love you, too. So very, very much." She pulled back, patted Alessa's cheek, and dried her eyes. Once she was presentable, Alessa's mother left the room.
Alessa threw herself back onto the couch pondering the conversation she and her mother had just had. She heard a soft knock at the door. Knowing it was Camden, she ignored it. Perhaps her mother was right. If she truly fell in love with him, as she knew she was in the process of, it would make it even harder to be the Sacrifice. She couldn't think of anything worse than being dragged fig
hting and crying to her Ceremony. Even if she wasn't sure where Camden stood, she was sure that she was getting close to being in too deep.
The knock sounded again. Not wanting to face him, she buried her face deeper into the pillows of the couch. She heard the door open and raised her face to look at him.
"Hey, are you okay?" Camden stood in the doorway, unsure. Alessa found it funny that he wasn't sure what to do.
"I'm fine, Cam, I just need some alone time, if you don't mind." Camden stayed at the door, looking intently at her.
"I- uhh, yeah, okay. I'll be right outside if you need me. I'm on overnight tonight," he looked around as he spoke. Alessa realized that any time he was on overnight, she had invited him to stay on the couch. At that moment, the thought of him being in the same room as her made her immeasurably uncomfortable.
"Thanks, Cam."
As the door shut behind him, she felt tears of shame and frustration fill her eyes. She couldn't stand to face him. She had to figure out a way to disengage herself from Camden's grasp. Then, an idea struck her. It was almost the Season of Celebration. In a few short weeks, the feasts and celebrations would begin. First the Fall Feast, followed by the Winter Solstice, and finally the New Year’s Ball. All of that could be very time consuming if Alessa allowed it to be. She decided she would throw herself into the celebrations and allow that to be her excuse for spending time away from Camden. After the New Year’s Ball she would have to reevaluate her strategy, but she was sure by then that he would either lose interest or give in to her and assume her pulling away was due to the Ceremony. After all, everyone was expected to act strangely as the date loomed closer.
The next day, encouraged by her strategy, Alessa opened the door to Camden sitting by her room. Her heart ached at the way he sat uncomfortably on the hard floor. Camden stood quickly at the sight of her.
"Alessa, are you alright? I was worried when I didn't hear from you for the rest of the night, but I wanted to give you your time like you asked for. What happened with your mother?"
The Fourth Ceremony: The Sacrifice Trilogy Page 13
