by Tara Sivec
“I heard you talked to my Aunt Liz about the whole birth certificate thing,” he finally says.
“Yep. She told me to take my time getting her the real thing and that she’d pay me under the table until then.”
I thought for sure Ava’s mom was going to fire my ass when I told her I couldn’t get her a copy of my birth certificate for the employment forms. She just smiled at me and told me not to worry about it, which is very unlike her. Obviously either Tyler or Ava had already explained the situation to her and she felt sorry for me. Awesome. Yet another person who pities me. I didn’t mind it so much the other night with Ava because it meant she’d sleep with me. I don’t like everyone else looking at me like I’m some sad, pathetic, fatherless dude.
“Did you tell your parents you called the sperm bank to have them pull the records?”
I nod and we turn to walk away from my angel, making our way into the offices. “I had to. The place wouldn’t release any personal information unless my mom went in and signed a few papers saying she was okay with me finding out who my dad is. They’re supposed to call me today with the guy’s name and phone number so I can contact him.”
Unfortunately, they can only give me the name of the guy who donated the sperm. That doesn’t mean he’s my real father since my mom was a slut.
Goddammit!
We walk into the break room and take a seat at the table.
“And how do you feel about that?” Gavin asks.
The thing about Gavin is, he’s a genuinely good guy no matter how much I’ve tried to corrupt him. He’s always been a good friend and I know he’s worried about my mental health right now, but I don’t feel like hashing this out with anyone. I just want to get this thing over with, find out who my dad is and beat the shit out of him. Then, I can go on with my life and never have to think about the guy ever again.
“Can we stop pretending like we have vaginas? I don’t want to talk about my feelings, Dr. Phil. How about we talk about the fact that I got anal the other night at your house,” I tell him proudly, leaning back in my chair and clasping my hands behind my head.
“Correction, you accidentally had anal and you barely got the tip in. You’re forgetting that you’re sleeping with my girlfriend’s sister. They tell each other everything,” Gavin laughs.
“Whatever. My dick still went into a hole that has been previously denied me. I don’t care how much of it went in, it still went in. And she baked me cupcakes as a thank you.”
Gavin shakes his head at me. “You mean the cupcakes that called you a Piss Drinker and a Turtle Fucker? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t her saying thank you. That was her saying that none of her holes will be welcoming you inside anytime soon.”
I wave my hand at him. “Mere technicalities.”
The door to the break room opens and Gavin’s dad, Carter, walks in with Ava’s dad, Jim. Liz and Claire have to conduct a huge production meeting every Friday, so their husbands always stop by to pick them up and take them to dinner afterwards.
“Your mom said you boys might be in here. She and Liz have a few things to finish up before they’re ready to go. How was work?” Carter asks as he pulls out a chair and takes a seat next to Gavin while Jim does the same next to me.
I’ve always liked Carter and Jim, even though Jim scares me sometimes. He’s a quiet man, but I have a feeling if he knew the things I’ve done to his daughter, he’d chop off my balls and make me eat them. Gavin is a really great guy, treats Charlotte like a queen and he still punched Gavin in the face when he found out Gavin was in love with Charlotte. If he finds out his daughter has had intimate knowledge of my penis and I’ve secretly snuck in her bedroom on a few occasions, he will straight up murder my ass.
“Work was good. We were just talking about anal sex, care to add to the discussion?” Gavin tells them with a laugh.
I shoot him the middle finger and give him the stink eye. Jesus Christ, this is not something that should be discussed with Ava’s dad two feet away from me. He’s within punching distance.
“If you asking about anal sex has anything to do with my daughter, I think you should know that I’m perfectly fine with spending my life in prison,” Jim warns him.
I gulp nervously and slide my chair a few inches away from Jim. The closer I am to the door, the easier it will be for me to run the fuck out of here if he finds out about me and Ava.
“Remember the words you’re supposed to say to me whenever we’re in the same room together?” Jim continues.
Gavin nods his head and speaks in a monotone voice like he’s reading from a cue card. “Charlotte and I are waiting until marriage and we have separate bedrooms. We only kiss on Sundays after church and a thorough reading of the Bible.”
Jim smiles in satisfaction and relaxes in his chair.
“Well, I myself don’t care for anal that much, but Claire is pretty gung-ho about the whole thing,” Carter admits, bringing the conversation back around.
“Oh, Jesus Christ, I didn’t think this thing through. Stop it, stop it right now,” Gavin tells him, covering his ears with his hands and cringing.
I can’t help but laugh. He asked for it, thinking he could out me in front of Ava’s dad. Now he has to deal with the image of his mom and dad having butt sex. Serves him right.
“If you have enough lube and porn on the television, anything is possible,” Jim adds.
“I find that olive oil works much better,” Carter explains, placing his elbows on the table and leaning forward.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LA-LA-LA, I’M NOT LISTENING!” Gavin screams with his hands still over his ears.
The men ignore him and since I’ve got a couple of experts at my disposal, I, too, lean forward and suck in all of their knowledge like a sponge.
“Tell me about this olive oil thing you speak of,” I say to Carter.
“Well, olive oil is a natural lubricant, it’s good for your skin and it’s always handy. However, you can’t use it with condoms because it will break down the rubber and make them less effective,” Carter explains.
Noticing a notepad and pen in the middle of the table, I grab both of them and slide them towards me. This is too good not to take notes. I start scribbling furiously as Carter and Jim go back and forth.
“Also, lots of alcohol. Liz is always more adventurous after a bottle of wine. We prefer Anal Eaze. It has a numbing agent that works wonders,” Jim mentions, grabbing the pen out of my hand and adding that to my list of notes.
“No, no, no. You can’t use that shit,” Carter interrupts. “If she’s numb, she has no idea if your tiny penis is hurting her. She has to feel what’s going on so she can tell you to stop.”
“LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN. LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, MY FAIR LADY!” Gavin screams.
Everyone ignores him.
“Tiny penis, ha! Even after twenty some odd years together, Liz still walks funny after we have sex,” Jim admits.
“That’s because you’re doing it wrong and probably fucked her thigh instead of her vagina,” Carter laughs.
“What about you guys? Has either of you ever taken it up the ass?” I ask.
They stop their verbal sparring and stare at me like I’m insane. I don’t see what the big deal is; it’s a good question.
“I mean honestly, how can you know if what you’re doing is any good if you don’t experience it yourself?” I ask.
“Tyler, are you gay?” Carter asks.
“No! I’m not gay, I’m just saying. A little equal opportunity goes a long way when you’re trying to get your woman to give you something she wouldn’t normally. I am man enough to admit that I stuck a little something up my ass, and it wasn’t so bad.”
Jim stares down in horror at the pen in his hand that he took from me and then suddenly chucks it across the room. He jumps up from his seat and races over to the sink, dumping half the bottle of liquid soap into his hands before scrubbing them furiously.
I ro
ll my eyes at him. “I didn’t stick that pen up my ass, don’t worry. You do know that we carry a very nice line of butt plugs here at Seduction and Snacks, right?”
Gavin lowers his hands from his ears. “Dude, seriously? Are we talking Pinky Pleasure or Butt Tower? Because there is a huge difference between those sizes.”
“Bigger than a Q-Tip and smaller than a bread basket,” I tell him with a smile.
“Huh. You might be on to something,” Carter says, with a thoughtful expression on his face. “What aisle are butt plugs on again?”
Gavin screams, throwing his hands up over his ears.
“Wait a minute, are you asking all of these questions out of general curiosity or are you sleeping with someone?” Jim asks, drying his hands on a paper towel.
Don’t look suspicious, don’t look suspicious.
“Oh, you know, just keeping my options open. Hey, is that Liz? Hi, Liz!” I shout, looking through the glass doors next to Jim and waving at no one.
Jim doesn’t turn around; he just narrows his eyes at me.
“I swear to all that is holy, if I find out this has anything to do with Ava, I will shove my fist up your ass,” he threatens.
“Whoa, slow down there, Jim. I’m only on butt plugs. I’m not quite ready for fisting yet.”
Carter leans closer to Jim. “I’ve got a better idea. How about we just unleash Cougar Claire on him as punishment?”
Jim gives me a sinister look and I feel a bead of sweat run down my back. Having a crush on Claire since college and always shooting perverted innuendos her way did not end well for me a few months ago. It’s one thing to have a Mrs. Robinson fantasy about your best friend’s mom in your spank bank, but it’s something straight out of a fucking horror movie when she decides to act on it.
The sweet nothings she whispered in my ear quickly turned to threats about making me part of the next Human Centipede movie if I didn’t cut that shit out. Now, whenever she walks in the room, I have PTSD flashbacks of that day in her house when she made me clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and then had me hand wash her period panties with the garden hose out back to teach me a lesson about flirting with older women.
Lesson learned.
Before Jim can threaten me any more, my phone rings. Reaching into the pocket of my jeans, I pull it out and check the display, swallowing nervously when I see it’s the sperm bank calling me back.
Gavin notices the look on my face and slowly lowers his hands from his ears as I answer the call.
“Uh-huh. Yep. Sure. Okey dokey, thanks.”
Ending the call, I set my phone on the table in front of me and stare at it.
“They found out who my dad is and he wants to meet me tomorrow at noon,” I whisper.
Suddenly, getting fisted by Ava’s dad sounds a whole lot more appealing.
“I want this blog to look really professional and, since you handle all of the media and design stuff for the Seduction and Snacks website, I thought you might be able to help me out.”
Sliding my laptop across the table towards Aunt Jenny, I wait nervously as she scrolls through a couple of my posts.
Out of everyone, I figure Aunt Jenny would be the most supportive of my idea. She thinks everything is a good idea, even if she doesn’t understand it most of the time.
“I don’t get it. Is this going to be a porn site? You’ve got a bunch of pictures of your clothes all over your bed. Is that a Hermès scarf? Oh, please don’t tell me you want to have sex on a Hermès,” Aunt Jenny groans.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to explain this to her again. “No, Aunt Jenny, this is not a porn site. I’m giving people fashion tips and stuff like that.”
Uncle Drew walks into the dining room a few minutes later while Aunt Jenny is still staring in confusion at my webpage.
“Hey, baby, do these jeans make my butt look big?” he asks, turning around and sticking his ass out.
Aunt Jenny looks up and smiles. “No, but they make your penis look stupidest.”
I groan and shake my head at her. “I think you mean stupendous and that’s just gross.”
Uncle Drew walks over to Aunt Jenny and leans down to kiss her cheek before checking out what’s on the computer. “Thanks, babe. Hey, are you looking at porn without me? Where’s the chick who took all those clothes off?”
I huff and cross my arms in front of me in irritation. “It is NOT a fucking porn site!”
Uncle Drew ignores me and reaches over Aunt Jenny’s shoulder to click through some of the pictures. “I don’t get it. Why aren’t there any chicks in these photos? Oh, hey, there’s Ava! Wait, are you doing porn? Your parents are NOT going to be happy about this.”
Why did I think coming here was a good idea?
“I can definitely add some graphics to your blog and make it look nicer,” Aunt Jenny tells me. “To be honest though, I think porn might be a better idea. You could totally make a lot of money doing that. I don’t think anyone is going to pay just to look at your clothes and stuff. Ooooh, you should make some videos of you taking your clothes OFF instead of just having pictures of your clothes lying around AFTER you took them off. People would totally pay to see that.”
“I would pay to see that,” Uncle Drew adds.
“Eeeeew, seriously?” I ask in disgust.
“Dude, not you. That’s just gross,” he reassures me. “But Jenny? Totally. You should put Jenny on your site taking her clothes off. I’ve already got a few good shots of her ass on my cell phone I can send you.”
He pulls his cell phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and starts scrolling through his pictures. “Oh, man, I forgot about this one. Remember when we rented the dolphin costume and recorded that public service announcement?”
Aunt Jenny forgets about my site and her face lights up. “Yes! The pasa! That was so much fun!”
“What’s a pasa?” I ask in confusion, looking back and forth between them.
“She means PSA,” Uncle Drew tells me.
“Right. PSA. It’s pronounced pasa,” Aunt Jenny adds.
“It’s not pronounced anything, babe. It’s just called a PSA. It’s an acronym,” Uncle Drew explains.
“Do I even want to ask what this dolphin PSA is about?”
Uncle Drew sits down at the table next to Aunt Jenny and looks at me seriously. “It’s an epidemic that is spreading far and wide. People just have no idea what is happening right under their noses. It’s scary and dangerous and they need to be aware. Jenny and I took it upon our selves to educate the world. I can’t believe you haven’t seen the video. It’s been all over YouTube.”
Aunt Jenny nods and grabs Uncle Drew’s hands. “We read an article about it online and we just knew we had to do something. So, we made a video talking about the dangers of dolphin rape and we posted it online. We’ve received a ton of messages from people thanking us for our information.”
“I’m sorry, did you say dolphin rape? Like, what? Dolphins raping other dolphins?” I ask in confusion.
I know I’m going to regret asking this.
“What? No! That would just be silly. Ava, this is about dolphins raping people. Surely you’ve heard the news,” Uncle Drew adds.
“Every ninety-six seconds someone else is raped by a dolphin. Innocent men and women just enjoying a day at the beach and then BAM! A dolphin latches on and doesn’t let go. They may seem like sweet and innocent creatures but let me tell you, they are not,” Aunt Jenny says with a shiver.
Uncle Drew reaches over and wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close. “Your aunt had a close call with a dolphin last year on vacation. She doesn’t like to talk about it very much.”
“It was the worst day of my life,” Aunt Jenny wails, burying her face in Uncle Drew’s shoulder.
Every day I wonder how in the hell my parents became friends with Aunt Jenny and Uncle Drew. Today, I am completely baffled.
“Um, wow. That’s… I don’t even know what to say ab
out that,” I tell them, completely at a loss for words.
“It’s okay, not many people know how to handle a situation like this. It’s why we started D.R.A.W. It’s a place where people like your Aunt Jenny can meet once a week and talk about their horrific experiences,” Uncle Drew explains.
“And D.R.A.W. would stand for….” I prompt, even though I know I’m going to regret it.
“Dolphin Rape Awareness Workshop,” Aunt Jenny finishes for me. “Although the meetings don’t take place in a workshop. We just couldn’t think of another word that started with W.”
I’m not sure my brain can take much more information. I really need to bring this conversation back around to my reason for coming here.
“So, anyway. You said you could make some graphics for my site and make it look a little more professional?”
Aunt Jenny pushes away from Uncle Drew and sits up a little straighter. She turns back towards my laptop screen and studies it for a few seconds.
“Sure, no problem. It should only take me a few days. Just write down your password for me,” she tells me.
“Well, if you two ladies will excuse me, I have a meeting to get to,” Uncle Drew tells us, getting up from his chair and making his way to the front door.
“Meeting? What meeting? You didn’t mention that you had a meeting today,” Aunt Jenny says as she pushes a piece of paper and a pen towards me so I can write down my log-in information.
“Oh, it’s nothing. I just have to see this guy… about a thing. Just… this… thing and a guy with a thing… that I need to see,” Uncle Drew stammers as he grabs his keys from the side table by their front door.
“Okay, well have a good time!” Aunt Jenny tells him brightly as he rushes out the front door.
I stare at her as she clicks away at my computer. After a few seconds she looks up at me questioningly. “What?”
“He has to see a ‘guy’ about a ‘thing’?” I repeat, using air quotes.
“That’s what he said.”
