by Tara Sivec
Gavin laughs and Jim stops moving, glaring at him across the table.
I really feel like I should do something to stop this. Gavin is my best friend and I don’t want to see him get the shit kicked out him by his future father-in-law. Glancing around the room I see that Ava never came back after getting Liz and her Aunt Claire so it’s now or never.
The word-vomit starts flowing before I even think about what I’m doing. “I’m pretty sure I might be falling in love with Ava, I’m a certified Brony, I let Ava spank me with a My Little Pony tail and my safe word is pancakes.”
Before I can recover my breath from my outburst, Jim’s fist connects with my cheek and stars burst in front of my eyes. The next thing I know, I’m hitting the floor with a groan.
“Dude, my safe word is ‘waffles.’ I knew I liked you for a reason,” Drew states, staring down at me.
He holds out his hand out and helps me up to my feet while I cradle one hand against my cheek that’s screaming in pain.
Everyone stands around with their mouths wide open staring at Jim, waiting to see what he’s going to do next. Hopefully he’s not going to hit me again because Jesus fuck that hurt.
“Well, I feel better. Let’s go plan this proposal,” Jim states, shaking the soreness from his hand as he turns and walks out of the room.
I try to steady myself on the sidewalk as Charlotte turns away from me to greet her best friend Rocco, but the entire street continues to swirl in front of me and I have a feeling I’m going to tip over if I don’t grab onto something.
I’ve been a little out of sorts since I realized I might be in love with Tyler. I told Charlotte she needed to take me out tonight so I could spend some time away from him and get my head on straight. Unfortunately, I decided to get a head start with a few people from work. By the time Charlotte pulled up to the bar in a cab to get me, my head was long gone at the bottom of a few glasses of booze.
“Why is your sister sprawled on top of a stack of chairs?” I hear Rocco ask as the two of them walk towards me.
I lift my head and yep, I found a nice, comfy stack of chairs right outside the restaurant to lean against.
“I can’t stand. Someone fucked up the sidewalk and it’s all uneven,” I complain as Charlotte grabs one of my arms and Rocco grabs the other, pulling me off of the chairs.
Rocco looks down at the ground and then back up at me. “Sweetie, why are you only wearing one shoe?”
I quickly look down and notice he’s right. No wonder I can’t walk. Why the hell do I only have on one shoe?
“I lost a shoe. Son of a fuck, I LOST A SHOE!”
I’m screaming. I know I’m screaming and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Charlotte and Rocco hold onto me as they both examine my feet.
“How the hell did you lose a shoe?” Charlotte asks as I lift into the air a foot that’s missing one nude Lauren Conrad platform heel, wiggling my naked toes.
“THAT FUCKING CAB STOLE MY LC SHOE! FUCK YOU CAB!” I shout, shaking my fist in the air at the cab that pulled away ten minutes ago.
Charlotte pushes me into Rocco and tells him to keep an eye on me for a minute as she runs inside a corner store next to the restaurant.
“You’re really cute, Rocco. We should make out,” I tell him, trying not to slur as I rest my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me.
Rocco is a great guy and even though he’s one of Charlotte’s best friends, he’s quickly become my friend, too. He endeared himself further when he pretended to be Charlotte’s boyfriend a few months ago to make Gavin jealous. I wonder why Charlotte never dated him?
“You’re really drunk, and I’m still gay,” he reminds me.
Oh, that’s right, he’s gay.
“Plus, your sister already informed me that you’re in love with Tyler. Is that why you’re a hot mess tonight?” he continues.
I push away from him and put my hands on my hips. “I am NOT a hot mess, I’m FABULOUS!”
Rocco looks me over from head to toe. “Ghetto fabulous, maybe. You’re wearing one shoe and that black eyeliner is staging a protest as it runs down your face in fear.”
He puts his hands on either side of my face and uses his thumbs to swipe away the mess under my eyes.
“You know, there’s nothing wrong with being in love with Tyler,” he tells me softly. Before I can argue with him, Charlotte comes back outside with a bag in her hand. “Alright, dumbass, I got you a pair of shoes. Give me your foot.”
Rocco holds me tighter as I let Charlotte remove my one, lonely shoe and replace it with a pair of flats. I’m too drunk to care that I’m letting a cheap pair of shoes from a corner store touch my feet.
“Alright, let’s go get some food in you to sop up some of that alcohol,” Charlotte announces as we make our way into the restaurant.
After we’ve been seated and our orders taken, Charlotte and Rocco sit across from me silently, waiting for me to start talking.
I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think about the fact that I’m so totally in love with Tyler that I want to cry. I just want to drink more and forget all about it.
“WHOSE FUCKING SHOES ARE THESE?” I yell, staring down at the ugly black and white slip-on flats.
Charlotte shakes her head at me. “Dude, I just bought you those at the store, remember?”
Whatever, she’s totally lying. Someone stole my shoes and replaced them with these monstrosities.
“So, let’s talk. Why are you so afraid of falling in love?” Rocco asks, taking a sip of his wine.
I lean forward, smacking my hands down on the table so hard the glasses and plates clink together. “I am NOT afraid of falling in love! I love falling in love. Falling in love is lovely and I love love.”
“She’s never been in love before, that’s her problem,” Charlotte pipes up.
“I have too been in love before!” I argue.
She cocks her head at me. “Name one time.”
I’d close my eyes and try to think but I’m afraid the room will swirl too fast and I’ll fall out of my chair. After a few seconds, I snap my fingers excitedly.
“Two years ago, March 17th. It was a Monday and the time was exactly 8:54 pm. I fell in love so hard that it took my breath away. It was so hard and so good. Mmmmmm, hard and good and big and I felt so full…of love and stuff,” I slur.
“I’m very uncomfortable with this conversation right now,” Rocco mumbles.
“Didn’t you get your first Michael Kors bag two years ago?” Charlotte questions suspiciously.
I shrug, slumping back in my chair as the waiter comes over to the table and begins setting plates of food down in front of us.
“Michael Kors will always be my first love. He gives great purse.”
Rocco nods, picking up his glass of wine and tilting it in my direction. “Amen, sister.”
Charlotte huffs. “Ava, stop being difficult and talk to us. I know it’s a scary thing to be in love for the first time, but it’s also amazing. Tyler is a nice guy. Sure, he’s got a few kinky fetishes, but who cares? He’s in love with you and he treats you better than any guy you’ve ever been with.”
I will not drunk cry, I will not drunk cry.
“Who doesn’t have kinky fetishes?” Rocco asks. “I once dated a guy who could only get it up if I played track ten on the Oklahoma soundtrack. Do you know what track ten is on the Oklahoma soundtrack? It’s ‘The Farmer and the Cowman.’ As soon as he heard the words ‘One man likes to push a plough, the other likes to chase a cow,’ he would come like a wild man. He gave great head, so who was I to argue?”
My Little Pony suddenly doesn’t seem so bad now.
“Who ordered this shit?!” I yell, staring down at my plate of pasta and refusing to talk about Tyler’s fetishes.
“Be a good girl and eat your food,” Charlotte tells me calmly.
I can’t find my silverware and it suddenly occurs to me that I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving. I’m in love with hungry
and I’m Tyler drunk.
Fuck it.
Rocco and Charlotte pause with their forks by their mouths to stare at me. I stare right back as I smack my hand down on the plate and scoop up and handful of rigatoni, splattering noodles and sauce all over the white tablecloth.
“I’m in love with drunk,” I announce as I shovel noodles into my mouth.
“Is she seriously eating with her hands right now?” Rocco whispers in shock.
I ignore him, smacking my hand back down on the plate while I stare the two of them down. “I love hungry drunk!”
I notice a few patrons looking over at our table and I realize I’m probably being a little loud.
“This shit is delicious and I’m love drunk! Go fuck your face!” I shout at one woman in particular who is looking at me in disgust.
“Okay there, drunky, calm down,” Charlotte says quietly, reaching over and placing her hand on my arm. “It’s okay to admit it, you don’t have to be afraid.”
Rocco nods his head in agreement and all of a sudden, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Everything is going to be okay. I can be honest with my sister and my friend; they won’t judge me.
I grab a few more noodles with my fingers and push them past my lips before taking a huge breath and letting it all out.
“I like to masturbate on the interstate!” I announce loudly.
Rocco’s fork crashes to his plate and Charlotte starts choking on her glass of wine.
At this point, I can feel all eyes in the restaurant on me and I don’t care. Fuck all of them!
“When I’m driving down the interstate, I just can’t help it. All that open road and freedom makes me horny and I just have to do it. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes, I drive on the rumble strips at the edge of the road for miles because it makes me feel tingly.”
I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be talking about something else right now, but I don’t remember what it is.
Fuck, this pasta is DELICIOUS.
“Oh, dear God,” Charlotte whispers.
I smile at both of them and start licking sauce off of my fingers, lifting my feet up and resting them on Rocco’s thigh.
“WHERE THE FUCK DID THESE SHOES COME FROM?” I yell, staring at my feet.
“I think it’s time to get Interstate home to bed,” Rocco announces, sliding my feet off of his lap as he stands.
Charlotte gets up from her chair, walks over to my side of the table and starts wiping my face with my napkin. “I know you’re really drunk right now, but tomorrow when you’re sober, you’re going to be so happy that you finally realized you’re in love with Tyler.”
She helps me up from my seat and holds my arm as we walk out of the restaurant while Rocco pays the bill. I rest my head on her shoulder, letting her lead me out the front door. I can feel my throat getting tight and I squeeze my eyes closed to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.
“Charlotte?”
“Yes, Interstate?” she replies with a laugh.
“I don’t want these ugly fucking shoes on my feet!” I wail.
“You can’t propose to Charlotte by just handing her a puppy, it’s boring. Big mistake. Big. HUGE!” I yell, taking a sip of my beer.
“I’m really concerned that you just quoted Pretty Woman,” Gavin states with a shake of his head.
“Dude, that’s every guy’s dream. Get a hooker for the night and then keep her forever without having to pay by the hour.”
Gavin sets his bottle down and stares at me. “That is NO man’s dream.”
“You’re out of touch with reality, my friend. It’s every man’s dream, they just don’t like to talk about it,” I explain. “I’m breaking the silence! HOOKERS ARE PEOPLE TOO!”
While Ava and Charlotte went out with Rocco tonight for some girl time, Gavin and I decided to stay in so he could drum up some proposal ideas. So far, all of them suck ass, so I called in reinforcement to help him out. I mean really, this is going to be one of the biggest days of his life. He needs help.
“Alright, I’ve got jumper cables, ten quarts of BBQ sauce and a really nice rhinestone tiara that we could take apart and shape into a ring,” Drew announces as he walks through Gavin’s front door, his arms full of bags.
He kicks the door closed behind him and dumps everything in the middle of the living room.
“I already bought Charlotte a ring, we don’t need to make one,” Gavin says, getting up from the couch to look through the bags.
“Fine, be a snobby little bitch. I’ll have you know I make beautiful decoupage rings out of Polymer Clay, rubber cement and Mod Podge,” he announces proudly.
Gavin ignores him, reaching into a bag and pulling out the largest flesh-colored rubber fist I’ve ever seen. He holds it up in the air staring at it while the thing flops back and forth.
“What the ever living fuck is this?” Gavin asks. “Please tell me this is not an actual FISTING fist.”
Drew smiles and walks over to Gavin, grabbing the fist out of his hand. “This is Duke. He’s a member of the family and he wants to help with the proposal.”
Drew shakes the fist in front of Gavin’s face. “Say hi to Duke.”
Gavin scrunches up his face and moves away from the rubber fist. “I swear to God if that thing is one of yours and Aunt Jenny’s sex toys I am going to puke all over this floor.”
Drew pulls Duke close to his chest and looks at Gavin in shock. “I would NEVER defile Duke like that.”
He holds the fist up to his face and speaks in a baby voice. “Don’t you listen to big, bad Gavin, Duke. Daddy loves you.”
“Where in the hell did you even get that thing?” I ask, staring in awe at Duke. If it wasn’t so creepy looking, it really would be a thing of beauty. When I say it’s a fist, I mean it’s a fucking fist from elbow to fingers. That thing has got to be at least twelve inches long and six inches in diameter.
“Jenny and I rescued him from a sex toy mill,” Drew tells us.
“I’m sorry, a what?” Gavin asks.
“A sex toy mill. It’s like a puppy mill but worse. All of these sex toys crammed into boxes with no light or air, just waiting to die. It was so hard to just save one when there were so many who could use our help, but we saw Duke and we knew he had to come home with us,” Drew explains, hugging Duke a little tighter to himself.
“Oh, sweet Jesus, that thing was a USED sex toy?” Gavin yells, scrambling up from the floor and moving as far away from Drew as possible.
Drew quickly sets Duke on the coffee table so he’s standing straight up in the air and covers his hands over Duke’s closed fist. “SHHHHHH! Not so loud, asshole! We don’t like to talk about Duke’s horrific past.”
Drew goes over to the couch and flops down on the cushions. “So, I was thinking Duke could help you out with the proposal. He just had a manicure and he has an appointment for a facial tomorrow.”
I laugh. “Let me guess, a cream pie facial?”
Gavin dry heaves and Drew shakes his head at me.
“He lived that long, lonely life for far too long, Tyler. Duke is on to bigger and better things.”
Drew turns to Gavin who is currently pressed up against the far wall of the living room, as away from Duke as possible. “So, I was thinking. We could tie a ribbon around Duke’s neck with the stupid ring you BOUGHT from a store and you could hold him out to Charlotte. We’ve been practicing his ‘serene’ face and I totally think he’s got it down.”
While Drew and Gavin start arguing about Duke being a part of the proposal, I pull my phone out of my pocket and try not to be disappointed that I don’t have any drunk texts from Ava. Drunk texts are the best, especially when she totally forgets her aversion to anal and begs for it.
“Fisting is NOT romantic!” Gavin shouts from across the room, interrupting me from my thoughts.
“Duke is a very romantic person and it’s going to hurt his feelings if he can’t be part of this special day!” Drew yells back.
I pul
l up a video on my phone and walk over to Gavin. “See? Duke is a star. From the look on that chick’s face, I’d say she’s very happy to have Duke in her...life. And her vagina. Oh, look at that, and her ass!”
Gavin pushes my hand away. “That thing is not coming anywhere near Charlotte.”
I stare at the video on my phone. “You’re right, but I’m pretty sure Charlotte would be coming everywhere near that thing.”
Drew laughs and rushes over to me for a high-five. “It’s like we share a brain or something, dude.”
Gavin groans. “You two are insane. I am getting a puppy and tying the ring on a ribbon around its neck, end of story.”
Drew grabs Duke from the table and points it at Gavin. “You are a pussy. Duke is the most romantic person in the world. I can’t believe you’re saying no to him.”
Gavin looks towards me for some help and I just shrug. “He’s got a point. You are kind of a pussy and Duke is growing on me. I kind of want to take him out for drinks and sit him up in the middle of the table so he can wave at people that walk by.”
“It might have to wait a few days,” Drew informs me. “We were just at a club last night and Duke’s still a little hung-over. He also wasn’t happy that they had to stamp his hand on the way in. That ink was a bitch to scrub off this morning, wasn’t it Duke?”
Gavin finally pushes away from the wall to cross his arms in front of him and glare at me. “If we’re going to talk about pussies, how about we discuss the fact that you are in love with Ava but you’re too chicken shit to tell her.”
Drew stares at me with wide eyes, holding Duke up right in front of my face. “Oooooooh, burn!”
“I am NOT in love with Ava,” I scoff.
Right? I’m not in love with Ava. Why would I be in love with someone who doesn’t even like me?
“You’ve checked your phone fifteen times in the last half hour looking for a missed call or a text from her,” Gavin accuses.
“Dude! I just don’t want to miss out on drunk anal!” I argue. Drew pulls Duke away from me and scratches the top of his head with Duke’s fist. “Good call. Drunk anal is awesome.”
“She told Charlotte you guys talked about your dad and that she opened up to you about how much she hates her job. Ava doesn’t talk to people about shit like that unless she really trusts them and cares about them, and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t talk about your dad issues with just anyone,” Gavin says.
