Spinning Out Of Control

by Vickie McDonough

  “I don’t want you to leave. The fact is, I can’t imagine how we’d survive without you. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re tied here if you desire to go somewhere else. You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?” Micah’s penetrating gaze begged for understanding. “I mean, if you weren’t happy here? If I worked you too hard?”

  She swallowed the thick lump in her throat, thankful that she’d misunderstood his meaning. He didn’t want her to go! “I believe I would.”

  Micah’s expression softened, and his eyes brimmed with relief. “Good. You can always be honest with me.”

  Amy wondered what he’d say if she told him about her attraction to him. She bit back a smile as she imagined the big man hurrying away without so much as a glance back over his broad shoulder.

  “Now don’t take me wrong here, but I want to pay you a little something for all you do. You can save the money or use it to buy fripperies or other things you need at the store.”

  The soothing warmth that had just flooded Amy melted away. He wanted to pay her like some servant? She didn’t know why, but for some reason that cheapened things. Made her feel like paid help instead of family. She shook her head.

  Micah held up his big hand. “I won’t take no for an answer. I pay Jonah and Sookie, so it’s only fair to pay you, too.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, knowing he wouldn’t understand how she felt. So much for being honest with him. “I don’t want your money.”

  “Well, you’re gonna get it.” Micah shoved his hands on his hips. “It’s not a lot, but it’s yours to do with as you please. After I sell the next batch of furs, I’ll give you three dollars for the months you’ve already worked and a dollar the first of every month from now on.”

  Amy blinked. She could do a lot with a whole dollar. Still, it would change everything. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back toward the cabin. Micah’s warm hand on her shoulder pulled her to a stop.

  “Please, let me do this for you. It’s such a small thing when you’ve given up your whole life to stay here and help me. . . uh. . .us.”

  He had no idea that this was her whole life. She had nothing else. No home. No family. When she didn’t respond, he moved around so he could face her.

  His calloused thumb wiped her tears, sending a delicious shiver down her spine. “Is it such a hard thing for you to accept a man’s gratitude?”

  He didn’t understand. How could he? He lived on the land his parents and grandparents had worked. Lived in the cabin his own great-grandfather built. Had a brother and children he loved, who loved him back. Micah Walsh had no idea what it felt like to have nobody. Nothing.

  Still, she wouldn’t inflict her pain on him. She would accept his gift, and maybe someday she’d have enough money to get her own place. One day when Micah no longer needed her. Without looking into his eyes, she nodded.

  His sigh of relief blasted her in the face, and she smelled coffee on his breath. “Great. Good.”

  After a moment he brushed her hair back off her cheek and tilted her chin up. “I want you to be happy here. Are you?”

  Frustrated by her tears, she wiped them on her sleeve.

  “Why are you crying?”

  She couldn’t explain the swarm of emotions buzzing through her at his nearness. She didn’t understand them all herself, so she surely couldn’t explain them. “I’m happy.”

  Micah huffed. “You sure don’t look it.”

  Amy ventured a glance upward. “You’ve been married. Don’t you know by now that women cry when they’re happy?”

  He looked confused for a moment then understanding dawned. “Oh. Yeah.”

  “I’ve never been happier in my life than I am here. I love the girls and. . .” You.

  She had to control her sudden realization that she loved Micah Walsh.

  “And?”

  “Umm, I, uh. . .need to mix up the bread for tomorrow.”

  Dazed, Amy pivoted and hurried toward the cabin. It was so hard to remain coherent in Micah’s overwhelming presence. A tumble of confused thoughts and feelings assailed her. How could she hide her attraction to him? She couldn’t let Micah know how she felt, or he’d surely send her away.

  She remembered the night she’d overheard Micah and Ben talking about marriage while she did the dishes. Ben had said he’d like to marry one day, but Micah said he didn’t ever plan to wed again.

  Suddenly, that dollar a month sounded like a tremendous blessing. If she could only hide her feelings long enough, perhaps she could save enough to start over somewhere else.

  The thought was both exhilarating and distressing. How could she leave the children she loved? Leave Micah?

  ❧

  “They’s here!”

  Beth’s excited shriek signaled that the Chambers family had arrived. The girl ran back outside, not even bothering to shut the door. Amy didn’t mind though. The warm breeze helped circulate the hotter air inside where she’d been baking.

  Using her sleeve, Amy wiped the sweat from her brow, grabbed a nearby towel, and covered up the apple crisp that had just finished cooking. Her mouth watered at the fragrant, apple-cinnamon scent and the thought of eating her favorite dessert. Gratitude for Micah’s beaver pelts coursed through her. They had been able to trade for luxuries like cinnamon, nutmeg, and extra sugar, because it seemed every man in Boston just had to have a beaver fur hat.

  She stepped onto the porch, and the cooler air felt wonderful to her moist skin. Tierney grabbed her husband’s shoulders as he lifted her from the wagon. She looked up with a smile and waved. The hammering on the side of the house where Micah and Ben were building a stairway up to their room ceased, and they stepped around the side of the cabin and into view. Sean, an expert carpenter, had offered his services and brought Tierney and Sophie along to socialize while he worked.

  The moment Sean set Sophie on the ground, she and Beth were off like racehorses, squealing and chasing each other in a wide arc around the wagon. The horses hitched to the wagon snorted and shook their heads, unused to two miniature people whooping and hollering. Micah snatched up Beth as she ran past, and Sean hurried to the front of the wagon to calm his team.

  “Down, Papa. Gotta play with Sophie.” Beth squirmed and kicked her feet, while Tierney took hold of her daughter.

  “Beth, hold still and look at me.” Micah’s stern voice didn’t allow for nonsense.

  Not used to her soft-spoken father’s rare scolding, Beth stopped moving and looked up with her bottom lip stuck out and trembling.

  “You know, Punkin, that you don’t run around hollering near horses. They’re big and can get spooked and hurt you.”

  Beth nodded, her big brown eyes brimming with tears. Micah gave her a hug and said, “Good girl.”

  He set her down, and she ran to Amy, burying her face in Amy’s skirts. She patted the girl’s head. “Your father is right, Beth. You know better.”

  Not getting the sympathy she wanted, Beth moved over to Sophie. “We’re going spwashing in the cweek.”

  Amy glanced at Micah, and he grinned.

  The men slapped each other on the shoulder and asked how their crops were doing and how the hunting had been. Ben laid down his hammer and joined in the conversation.

  “Girls will be girls,” Tierney offered.

  Amy turned and hugged her friend. “I can’t believe it’s only been a month since you were last here. Seems more like half a year.”

  “ ’Tis a busy season.”

  Amy agreed and looked at her friend’s beaming face. “Shall we go down by the creek? It’s shady, and the girls can play in the water.”

  “Aye, sounds delightful.”

  Amy glanced at the porch where Sookie sat with Missy on her shoulder. The baby had finished nursing and now looked ready to play rather than nap. “Would you care to join us, Sookie? We’d love to have you come along.”

  The young black woman glanced away. “Oh no, ma’am. I’s jus’ gonna play with little Missy then s
ew on my new dress for a spell.”

  Amy knew it wouldn’t do any good to try to persuade her. Sookie was a loner. “At least let me take Missy. That way you’ll get more sewing done.”

  “That would be nice, ma’am. I’ll jus’ change her nappy and get her blanket.” She stood and disappeared inside the cabin.

  Tierney rocked back and forth, her gray calico skirts swishing around her legs. “I have a secret.” Her eyes, the color of pine needles, danced with glee.

  Amy took her hand. “Oh, do tell.”

  Her friend shook her head. “No, you’ll have to wait till we’re at the creek.”

  “Meanie.”

  Tierney tucked her hands behind her back and laughed.

  Sookie returned and handed Missy to Amy. The cherub bounced in Amy’s arms then laid an open-mouth, wet, sloppy kiss on Amy’s cheek.

  “Looks as if she loves you.”

  “And I love her.” Amy smiled back at Tierney.

  “I’ll keep an eye on the stew while you’re gone,” Sookie said as she turned toward the porch steps.

  Amy watched her go back inside the hot cabin, wishing Sookie would let her guard down so they could become friends. Though Amy now knew that Sookie was free, she still acted as Amy imagined a slave would act. Only she was no longer a slave. If only she could help the girl somehow.

  Down at the creek, Amy spread out Missy’s blanket on the ankle-high grass and laid the baby down. The child pumped her feet and arms as if she wanted to go for a swim, her downy head bouncing. Amy wondered what their lives would be like when Missy started crawling.

  Tierney plopped down beside her and started removing Sophie’s shoes. Beth followed suit, trying to remove her own boots. After removing Beth’s smock, Amy watched as the children, dressed in their undergarments, waded into the shallow water. There had been little rain lately, which was bad for the crops and garden but made the water the perfect depth for two little girls. They squatted down and squealed when the cool water wetted their bottoms. Tierney’s soft laugh drew Amy’s attention to her friend.

  “So tell me your secret.”

  Tierney’s eyes twinkled. “Sean and I are expecting again.”

  Amy rose onto her knees and threw her arms around her friend. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you.”

  “Aye, me, too. I didn’t know if I could bear another child after losing Patrick.”

  A tremble raced through Amy, and she gasped. “You lost a child? When?”

  “ ’Twas after Sophie was born.” Tierney stared in the direction of the stream. “I was with child on the ship ride to America, but the journey was so rough and the food so poor, me wee babe didn’t survive. We named him Patrick, and he was buried at sea.”

  “Oh, Tierney, I’m so sorry.” Amy blinked back the tears stinging her eyes and ached for her friend’s loss. Why did life have to be filled with so much pain?

  “ ’Twas in the past, and God has seen fit to bless us with another child. ’Tis happy I am.”

  “Well,” Amy ventured, her insides all a-jiggle with nervous excitement, “I have some news, also.”

  Tierney quirked up an eyebrow. Amy glanced at the girls to make sure they were all right. She plucked a leaf from Missy’s hand before the baby could stuff it in her mouth. “I’ve been talking with Jonah.”

  “Have you now? And what does Jonah have to say?”

  “He’s been telling me about God.”

  Tierney sat up straighter, her eyes sparkled with excitement. Amy knew her news would please her friend.

  “I’ve come to see that not all men are cruel like my father. In fact, I believe he’s in the minority. Ben and Micah are both kind, gentle men. . .for the most part, as is Jonah. I’ve seen how kind Sean is and how much he loves you and Sophie. My distorted view of men affected my ability to believe in God.”

  Tierney nodded. “Aye, ’tis often the way of things.”

  “I’m ready now.” Amy clutched her fingers in her lap, hoping—no, knowing—she was making the right decision.

  Tierney’s brows dipped. “Ready for what?”

  Amy inhaled a deep breath. “To give my heart to God.”

  Twelve

  Amy snapped another green bean and dropped it in the bowl she and Sookie were sharing. Joy bubbled up in her heart as she remembered the day the previous week when Tierney had explained how to ask God to forgive her sins and come into her heart. Afterwards, Amy had given her heart to God. “Do you believe in God, Sookie?”

  With eyes wide, Sookie stared at Amy then dropped her gaze back to her apron, which was filled with freshly picked beans. She grabbed several, snapped off the ends, and broke them in half.

  “It’s all right if you’d rather not talk about it.” Amy hoped to make Sookie feel less intimidated. Trying to draw the young black woman into conversation was harder than catching one of the wild geese that frequented the creek area.

  “I didn’t use to.” Sookie cast a shy glance Amy’s way. “But Jonah, he’s been yammering on about God ever since I comed here. Some of what he says makes sense.”

  Amy closed her mouth. That was the longest passage of speech she’d ever heard Sookie utter. Deep inside, she still hoped that one day they’d become friends. Maybe Sookie had to learn first that she was safe here.

  “I know what you mean. Jonah has been spouting his gospel to me as long as I’ve been here, too.”

  Sookie’s lips turned up in a shy smile. “He’s persistent, for sure.”

  Amy peeked at Beth to make sure she wasn’t getting into trouble. Relief flooded her to see the child asleep next to Missy on the quilt where she and Sookie sat. A crushed bean rested in Beth’s open palm. The sun shone through the trees, leaving dappled shadows dancing on her cheek. Amy reached over and rescued the helpless bean, thankful the movement didn’t awaken Beth. The feisty child had played until she dropped, as usual. Amy reached for another bean.

  “I didn’t want to listen to Jonah at first,” Amy said. “But as I came to realize not all men are mean and cruel like my father, I began to hope what Jonah said was true. I guess my view of God was tarnished because of the way I looked at men. I never knew there was a heavenly Father who loves us more than we can imagine.” Amy glanced at Sookie, surprised to see her staring back.

  “Mm-hmm, I heared Jonah say that.”

  “Tierney says the same thing—and I believe it now.”

  Sookie glanced up again, surprise etched on her dark face. “You do?”

  She nodded and smiled. “Tierney helped me to pray and ask God into my heart. Oh, Sookie, it feels so wonderful! I can’t explain it, but I feel lighter. Happier.”

  “That be good, Miz Amy. You deserves to be happy. You work mighty hard to keep them men and children happy.” Sookie shared one of her rare smiles and then focused on the pile of beans in her lap.

  Amy breathed a mental prayer to God, thanking Him for the small breakthrough. It was hard to work side by side every day and not chat about things.

  That evening, Amy closed the huge family Bible that had belonged to Kathryn. She yawned, pondering the words she’d read. She wondered how a man like Job could love God after all that had happened to him. It seemed to her that losing everything would make any man turn from God, but Job hadn’t. She could relate well to him, having lost what little in life she held dear.

  She yawned again and stood, clutching the heavy book to her chest. Time for bed. Sookie and the girls were already asleep, and soft snores could be heard from the bedroom. After putting away the cherished Bible, she stepped outside, thankful the weather was warm enough she didn’t have to don her cloak for a final trip to the privy.

  A few minutes later, she made her way back to the cabin. The half moon barely gave out enough light to illuminate the path. As she reached the back of the cabin, she stopped and leaned against it, staring up into the night sky. Since coming to believe in God, she felt closer to His creation and noticed things she never took time to notice before. As she sto
od without moving, the crickets once again began chirping. Far off, she could hear an owl hooting.

  She never thought she could be happier, but once she asked God into her heart, it was as if a weight she never knew was there had lifted. The sky looked bluer, the flowers more colorful, and the love in her heart for Micah soared. She hadn’t yet told him of her decision to serve the Lord. Micah was so busy, they rarely got to talk alone, and it didn’t seem something she wanted to shout out loud.

  Amy rubbed her hand over her heart. Why did it hurt to love someone? Or was the hurting because Micah didn’t know she loved him? Standing well over six feet tall, his physical presence was impressive, but what amazed her was how he would get down on the floor and chase Beth around the table. The child’s sparkling eyes and infectious laughter was sweeter than any treat Amy could bake.

  And then there was Micah’s laughter. She didn’t hear it often, mostly when he played with Beth or joked with Ben. It warmed her insides like hot tea on a cold night. And his eyes. She’d never seen any blue-green eyes like his and Ben’s. Too bad she had started averting her gaze from Micah’s. If she didn’t look into his eyes, he couldn’t read the love burning there.

  Jonah told her to give her burdens to God. Could loving someone be a burden? If that person didn’t return that love, then yes, it could be.

  Amy closed her eyes and prayed, asking God to show her what to do with these feelings for Micah Walsh that threatened to overflow like a flash flood. After a few minutes, a gentle warmth swept over her. She still didn’t know what to do, but she’d try to leave it in the Lord’s hands.

  As she went around the side of the cabin, she saw a light flooding out the open barn door. Micah was probably working late. Dare she walk down there and talk to him?

  She peeked at Jonah’s cabin and saw that his lamp was already out. The old man preferred going to bed as the sun set, but she never could go to sleep that early. Looking up, she could see a light glowing behind the quilt covering the doorway to the room where Micah and Ben slept. The odor of freshly cut wood scented the evening air. Amy admired the new stairway up to their room. The men had done a fine job building it, but she wondered why they hadn’t built a door while they were working.