by S. Moose
I kick the dew from the grass and feel the humidity sticking to my skin. Things haven’t been right for a few months. When your head and your heart are saying the same things, you know it’s the right thing to do.
I lift my face to the setting sun and press my lips together, imagining a time when life was simple. Sometimes I wish it still could be.
Someone touches my arm, but I don’t turn around.
“Zara,” he says, turning me around to face him. I can’t look into his eyes because I’ll fall apart. Drying my eyes, I lean my forehead against his shoulder, “Zara,” he says again. “What’s wrong?”
“We need to talk," I tell him. His body freezes and he's looking at me. Shit don't look at me. I try to look away, but his finger moves my face back to his.
"This isn't good is it?"
"No, it's not. I’m so sorry, Jackson. You’ll never know how sorry I am.” I sob, holding his hands. I love the feel of his soft, big hands around mine. “Being with you these past few years has been amazing, and I’ll always love you. It’s been hard for me to accept this, but we’re drifting apart and I’m realizing that we should just be friends.”
“What? Why?” His voice slightly cracks and it breaks my heart.
“Because it’s how I feel. I know that’s the shittiest response, but it’s the truth.” Saying this doesn’t break my heart like before because it's how I've been feeling for months. There's no real reason that truly stands out. If I could let him in my mind and heart to hear my emotions I would. But it's not the same as before."It’s in the way we touch and kiss. The passion that was there before isn’t there anymore." I tell him and hope he understands. When I look into his eyes and see anger and sadness I know this isn't going to be good. "Your love for me is so strong that it's pushing me away."
“My love is so strong?" He shouts, "Do you hear yourself right now? Do you know how many people go through their entire lives trying to find what we have." I don't answer him. "You are my world and now you're standing before me with some lame ass excuse to not be with me?" I don't answer him because there's nothing I can say to make him not hate me. "You're something else you know that? And yeah you’re right, it is a shitty response that you gave me. I changed everything for you, Zara. How could you do this to me? To us?”
"I never asked you to come to Duke! You should've stayed in Boston."
"That's what you do when you're in fucking love, Zara. You make scarifies to make your other half happy. You do things that suck and you do it because you know it'll make them happy."
"I don't know what else you want me to say," I let him know. "I still love you and will love you, but it's not the same kind of love. I..." he cuts me a look that scares the shit out of me so I stop talking.
“You know what? Fuck it. I changed my fucking life for you and this is what you do to me.” He yells, backing away from me.
“Jackson, please wait and talk to me.” I try to plead with him. I don't want him to walk away mad.
“No. I’m done. I’m fucking done.” The coldness in his voice is making me feel hopeless and guilty. Part of me is screaming to tell Jackson I changed my mind and we can be together. Then the other part is telling me that I’m doing the right thing. I know I’ve broken him and made things worst. But what’s the alternative?
Being with Jackson will hold both of us back and we’ll end up resenting one another. There’s no reason to stay together when the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I love him and will always love him, but letting him go means that I can focus on school and lacrosse and he has a chance to find real happiness.
I watch him walk away. He doesn’t turn back and my heart is hurting. Waiting for a few minutes I take the same walk as he did and internally kick myself. How could I be so heartless?
When I walk through the door to the house Katy is waiting for me. She’s holding a bowl of ice cream and has a smile on her face.
“You okay?” I take the bowl from her hands and sit on the couch. She sits next to me and doesn’t say anything. I take a few bites of the ice cream, taking in the break up with Jackson.
“No,” I tell her, “I feel like shit. And it sucks because I can’t even cry. I’m so heartless.” More bites of the ice cream.
“You aren’t heartless, babe. You’re real. This is what he needed and what you needed to do. She says to me, but before I can respond, her phone vibrates, interrupting our conversation. “It’s Gavin.”
Gavin Bond and Katy have been dating since their freshman year. He’s co-captain of the guy’s lacrosse team and is really hot with his buzzed hair and dark brown eyes.
“Take it. I wanna know what he said.”
She opens the text and shows me after she’s done reading.
Gavin: So you might want to tell Zara to stay away for a while…Jackson’s pissed
“Are you serious? Okay I know he’s upset, but I’m not staying away.”
“I know babe, but maybe try giving him space.”
Hurting Jackson is the last thing I wanted to do. He needs to understand why I did this and I hope he’ll get it. I groan and finish my ice cream before we head to the guys’ house. As soon as we walk in, some of the guys are looking at me. “What?” I yell, raising my arms in the air. “Do you idiots have something to say, because I’m right here?!”
Gavin comes over to us, “Ignore them.”
“I didn’t do anything freaking wrong!” At this point, I’m ready to punch the guys in the face and kick them hard.
“Why are you even here?” Ethan asks, his tone laced with anger. Of course he’d be defensive. His last girlfriend broke up with him out of the blue the night he was going to propose, so his views on women aren’t that great right now.
“You have no right to stand there and judge me. I know he’s your friend, but I do not have to explain myself to you!” I scream, pointing at him, while my body trembles.
He scoffs, “You should go. He’s better off without you.”
Before I can say anything else, Gavin pulls me back and tells me to go upstairs to see Jackson. I do as he says. Running up the stairs, I hear Katy and the guys talking, telling them to mind their own business and let Jackson and I work on our issues. I don’t want anyone to hate me and I don’t get why Jackson’s acting this way. I knock on his door, not feeling right to go in without his permission. He opens the door and lets me in.
“What?” he mutters and sits back on his bed.
I sit down on his bed, “No. Go stand or sit somewhere else. I don’t know why you’re here. You said what you said and now I need space.”
“Jackson,” I start to say, sitting on the beanbag in the corner of his room. I move it so I’m looking at him. “I need you to understand.”
“No. You don’t get it. Seeing you here and thinking we’re going to have the best year together is fucking with my head. I changed my life for you like I always have. I should’ve known something was up. You never wanted to get close to me.”
“Do not shove that in my face. This isn’t about sex. This is about you and me growing apart.”
“Growing apart? Do you hear yourself right now?” He gets up from the bed and paces the room. “The three years we’ve been together, I never pressured you or anything. I never pushed you and I thought that if we waited it would be fine. It makes sense. Your heart was never in it. You never loved me, Zara.”
Getting up, I walk up to him. We’re face to face, both breathing hard and have anger in our eyes. “I do love you, Jackson! But if you look deep down, you’ll realize what I’m saying is right.”
“Well, right now I don’t. Leave, Zara. There’s nothing else you can do or say to make me feel better.”
He turns his back to me and I feel defeated. This truly sucks.
CHAPTER 3
TRESTON
PARKING MY CAR, I HIT THE STEERING WHEEL with my fists. Spending time with Beth and going to the one place that brings me the most pain leaves an all too familiar burn in my chest. Seeing her e
yes, so similar to the ones I fell in love with. Fuck. I wince thinking about holding Beth’s hand, telling her we’ll be okay and everything’s going to be fine. I’ve been repeating those words for so long and I still can’t believe it. She has a way of helping me cope, and I guess in some ways I help her too. The worst part about it all is what happened afterwards, after the pain came and took a piece of all of us.
On the other hand, being with her brings me peace. She's the missing link that I need to feel connected to Emily.
Even though I hate feeling this way, when I’m sitting there across from Beth, clarity comes to my eyes. I talk to her and open myself up. This is where I’m comfortable and can be myself. The clouds lift for a while, until I get up and walk away, promising to be back again.
After Emily died, I got lost in myself. I wasn't sure what I wanted and found comfort with being reckless and stupid. I drank myself stupid and laid in the bed we shared at my lake house. Her scent was still lingering in the room and I didn't want to get up. I didn't do much of anything. The cloud over my life rained and stormed, bringing emotions I didn't want to leave. I pushed everyone away. When Beth came over to help me pack, well, she did more than help me pack. She was the only person I kept close in my life. She was the rock I needed and thus began our affair so fucked up and twisted, I didn't understand it. Yet, she was the perfect distraction. She understood my pain and shared the ache I woke up with every day.
After about a month we called it quits. The high of our endless fucking was gone and we soon saw how messed up it was. She went back to her husband and I went back to my life at Duke.
Every week we meet, sometimes more if she needs it, and sit in a café to talk. I push her to talk to her husband and she simply answers with shaking her head. There’s nothing between us anymore and we’ve both agreed never to talk about the past. It was a mistake, and something I don’t like to remember.
Laying my head against the steering wheel, I laugh at myself, forcing the pain down and pushing away the thoughts. It's a sickness. I'm fucking sick in the head for what I'm doing. Who the hell does this kind of shit? Oh right, me. The monster that stole a beautiful soul and let her die. The monster that pushed people away when they wanted to help. The monster who doesn't know who he is anymore, because for so long he's put on this act of being an asshole.
I need to escape my thoughts. Sitting in the car isn’t going to fucking help. Deciding to attend the party tonight at the house, I grab the pony keg from the trunk of my car and head inside. I need to clear my head before I go crazy. The vultures coming out tonight are going to want a piece of me. I hope that I’ll find someone to make me forget and if not, I have alcohol.
Walking into the house, I see Gavin and Jackson prepping for the epic party tonight. I love the Friday before school starts. We’re expecting a pretty large crowd, so the guys know not to get too wasted and to be on the lookout for the trouble makers and divas.
“What’s going on, Jackson? Why do you look like shit?”
He glares at me and pushes the box to the corner. “Zara,” he starts. “She and I broke up. Well, she dumped me, saying she wants to be friends. Three fucking years gone.”
“Damn dude, I’m sorry. I told you though, love isn't worth that shit.” I hate being an asshole, especially to my friend, but like I've been saying, love isn't worth it. These girls at school are blood suckers. They drain you, eat you up and toss you to the side. I don't understand the struggle.
"Yeah well, it’s whatever. I need to get wasted and finally have fucking sex.”
“Finally?” My brows rise.
“Ha, three years and all I got was a blow every now and then. She let me go down on her a few times.” I look over at Gavin and he looks like he’s about to punch the shit out of Jackson. “I knew something was wrong when she wouldn’t have sex with me. Do you know how patient I’ve been with her? I never fucking pressured her and gave her everything.”
Prime example why relationships suck. “Relax, man. She’s the one who fucked up not you.”
Gavin looks at us then to Jackson. “Dude, I get that you’re pissed, but don’t spread that shit around. That’s between you and Zara.”
“Whatever. I don’t care anymore.”
“Where were you anyways? I tried calling you.” Gavin asks.
“Had stuff to do,” I shrug, “All right boys, gonna go shower and get ready.” Before either of them can ask me anything else I’m upstairs, in my room, ready to hop in the shower.
After a quick blow from Kara I head back to the party. Rushing downstairs to be with the guys I'm greeted with a beer and a few handshakes. The urge to get wasted tonight comes to mind, but I remind myself to take it easy tonight or else Coach will have my balls tomorrow.
“I’m gonna go see Katy. You wanna come too?”
“Nah, I’m okay,” I take a swig of my beer, and watch the pong game with some of my other brothers. I hear the music playing upstairs and I should go up and socialize, but quickly change my mind.
“How you holding up?” Ethan, one of the guys on the team, asks.
“I’m doing good, brother.”
“Good to hear, man.”
He clinks his beer against mine. I don’t answer him, and turn my attention to the game.
Feeling hands touching my back, looping through my arms, I roll my eyes and look to see Audrey Malone pushing herself on me.
“Hi, Treston. Or should I say, hi King,” she purrs near my ear.
I look down, seeing Audrey, in a short black skirt and a tight white top. Her boobs are falling out of her shirt, but I don’t think she cares. Perfectly manicured nails are sliding up and down my arm. Her high pitched voice gives me a headache. I need to get out of her death grip. “What’s up?”
“Nothing, just wanted to say hi. I was hoping to spend some time with you tonight. Maybe we could go outside or you can show me your room?”
I really need to look at who I’m hooking up with. What happened to a onetime thing and moving on? “Nah, I’m good.”
“Come on, Treston. You’ve been single for like, ever. Let me make you happy. It’s been two weeks since we hooked up. I miss you.” She wraps her arms around my neck and brings me down to her level. Now usually, I’d take her to the bathroom and have her suck me off, but I don’t feel like dodging her tonight. “You’re the biggest I’ve ever had in my mouth. Let me relax you. You know I’m not looking for anything.”
I’m used to Audrey and her words. It doesn’t faze me. These girls keep trying to get me, it’s some competition between all of them. Who’s going to be the one to sleep with The King? They wanted to be the one to heal me and make me fall in love. Every girl failed, but that didn’t stop them and it sure as fuck didn’t stop Audrey.
“Listen,” I pull away from her, “I’m good. My dick is off limits to your mouth,” I let her know, holding up my hand. “I’m here with my boys, so why don’t you find someone else to prey on?” Not wanting to hear her whine, I head upstairs and hear Come and Get It playing. Finishing my beer, I look around the room to find Gavin, but I didn’t expect to find a beautiful girl with a sexy as sin smile dancing with Katy and Jamie. Watching her dance, shaking her ass, arms in the air, laughing and smiling, is doing things to me. I freeze where I'm standing, watching her move, and swaying her hips. My jeans feel tighter. My breathing is unsteady. She looks carefree and happy. She doesn’t see the guys drooling over her, wanting her attention. Most girls here would love to be on the arm of any one of my lacrosse brothers, but not this beautiful angel.
Not sure how or why my legs move in her direction. My arms wrap around her middle. Leaning down to her ear, I whisper, “You’re sexy when you dance like that.” Her body tenses, then relaxes. When she turns around and eyes me, her head cocks to the side and she smiles.
Wrong move.
"Oh, look who it is."
"You've heard about me?" She nods her head. "Ah I hope all good things."
Patting my arm, she pulls awa
y from me. "I saw you, no wait, heard you, in the bathroom. You're gross."
Who the fuck does this little girl think she is? I can do whatever the fuck I want. I finally move from where I'm standing and follow her. Taking her hand in mine, we walk outside and I get to a dark corner so we can talk. I have no idea why I’m letting her words get to me. It doesn’t matter what she thinks she knows or what she thinks she heard. I don’t have to explain myself to her or anyone else.
So why the hell am I out here?
"I'm single. I can do whatever the hell I want." The way she's looking at me is driving me crazy. “Why does it matter to you what I’m doing?”
"It doesn’t,” she rolls her eyes. “Just wanted you to know that I know you’re a pig and to let you know I’m not one of your lacrosse skanks.”
“I think you want to be,” I tease her. “You’re making a big deal out of this.”
Her mouth opens a little and she quickly shuts it before talking. “I’m wasting my time out here with you. And to answer your question yes you can do anything you want, precious." The mystery girl pats my cheek and heads inside.
Are you kidding me right now?
Standing outside for a few minutes, I decide it's game on. This girl's going to know who I am before the end of tonight. Finding her back on the dance floor, I pull her to my chest and hold her close.
“Get away from me,” she tells me. “Now.”
Lowering my head to her ear I tell her, “Don’t make a scene sweetheart. You don’t want people to think you’re a diva right?”
She catches on that I'm not going to let her go and doesn't fight me. Good girl.
Soon, her arms wrap around my neck as we dance to the music. I feel myself getting hard, but I don’t pull away. Shit, I haven’t even asked for her name. I'm drawn to her and determined to know more.
When she looks up at me again, I see something that wasn't there before. Damn, her blue eyes look amazing. I can’t help myself. My eyes go down her face to her soft, plump lips. Her tiny five foot five body against my six foot three frame makes it easy to feel her body against mine. A smile appears on her face and we’re inches apart. Making my way down her back to her ass, I quickly lift her in the air and feel her legs wrap around me.
