by S. Moose
"I can't talk to you," she whispers, her voice low and scared. Her head is low. My finger sweep to her chin, lifting her head so she can look at me again. She pulls away from me and again we're having a standoff. "I regret..." she starts to say.
"What? What do you regret? Me? Us? What?"
Her lips quiver and it's breaking my heart not to pull her in my arms and promise the pain will go away. "I regret meeting you. I regret everything about you. But the one thing I regret the most? I regret giving you everything. I gave you everything of me. My heart, soul and body. I fucking regret you and you know what, I'm sure that whatever happened to Emily is your fault."
This is something I never expected to come out of her beautiful lips. The quiet stab to my heart spirals me out of control. I'm falling and there's no one to catch me.
I look at her and see the tears in her eyes. Both of our worlds are coming down fast and hard, but I'm not upset or mad.
I'm fucking destroyed.
I didn't think I could ever feel this type of pain. It rings through my ears and the agony of her words slice through my body, cutting every piece of me.
"You regret it all?" She winces when I repeat the words back to her. All I can do is stare at her. I'm afraid to hear more and even more afraid to talk to her.
"So this is it?" She doesn't move or say anything. "Okay." I walk past her and push back the tears. Before reaching into my pocket again to call Jackson, I turn around and face her. She's staring at me. Staying where I am because I can't be near her anymore, "I love you, Peaches. I want you to know that. I don't regret anything. You're the best thing that's happened to me and my heart will always want you."
I see her swaying side to side. She can't look at me and I'm still standing before her, hoping this is a mistake. "Why?" Her voice is small and scared.
"Because I can't breathe." My voice cracks, "I can't breathe without you. I'm lost in this world. My home is gone and I have nowhere else to go." I take a few deep breaths. "Why'd you do that to me? You're shoving my past in my face and I'm trying to be a better man. You said some fucked up shit, Zara."
"I want you to hate me. I want you to look at me and see nothing. Because once you hate me, it'll be easier for me to move on and be okay." She rests her forehead on mine, "I can't get over you. I can't stop loving you, no matter what I do."
"Fuck! I should hate you. Do you know that? I should despise you and we shouldn't be friends, but you know what, it's not that easy to fall out of love with you."
"I still love you too, but..."
"No more buts. Stop fighting it, baby. Love me again."
"I can't, Treston. I'm sorry."
I watch her leave and I don't chase her. I can't move. My world is running away and I'm running out of hope.
CHAPTER 23
ZARA
I'M A HOT MESS. For the past week I’ve been missing practice and classes. Coach Kaler's benched me for one game and told me to get my ass back in the game or expect to never see the fields of Duke again.
I've been lying in bed in my room, away from the world, hoping that something will happen. Even though I'm not sure what I want to happen besides rewinding the past five months.
I push back the tears. It's so hard seeing him and being near him. I thought I could do it and prove to myself I'm over him. But who am I kidding?
Uncontrollable sobs wrack me. Curling up in a fetal position, I hug the pillow and cling to the lacrosse pendant necklace he got me for Christmas. I read the card over and over again to the point that I've memorized it.
Peaches,
Merry Christmas. I thought this would be our first of many. But I messed up and I'm sorry.
I hope this necklace puts a smile on your face. Don't ignore me when we're back in school. I want you in my life and I hope you'll stay.
I love you,
Treston
But I've either been ignoring him or treating him like crap. It doesn't make me feel any better. Instead I'm miserable. I thought if I made him hate me, my life would be a little easier. I have a few more weeks with him and then he's gone. He’ll move on with his life and I’ll be here alone. I need to hold it together until he leaves, even though I'm dreading the day he packs up his things from the lacrosse house and moves on.
Without me.
The door opens. Katy and Gavin walk in and sit on both sides of my bed. "I love him," I tell them through my sobs. "I love him so fucking much. I can't let him go. Why can't I let him go?"
"Then go back to him, Zara." Gavin replies, "He misses you too."
"I need him to let me in. If he doesn't, then what's the point?"
I try to block out his words and what I saw tonight. Seeing Peony getting on her knees, about to suck him, pushes me into a corner of emotions. I hate feeling this way.
"And you're done with Henry?" Katy asks. I nod.
"I thought moving onto Henry would help, but it made me sick. I didn't want to play him and hurt him to get back at Treston."
"You did the right thing, babe."
"Then," I sob, "Why do I feel like this?"
Katy lies down with me and I cry into her shoulder. Gavin rubs my back and the room's quiet beside my sobs. I want the pain to go away. I want to be able to be friends with Treston without feeling this way.
The next day goes by without issues. I walk around campus like a zombie. Sitting in the back of each of my classes, trying hard to pay attention, when all I can think about is Treston. I find myself writing his name all over my papers and listening to Stay With Me by Sam Smith a little too much. When the chorus comes on I fall apart.
Not being able to sit through my last class I pack my things and leave. Pulling my bag over my shoulders I hang my head low and walk. I have a few hours before practice. I walk out of the building and head to the library. We have a game on Saturday against Virginia. It should be an easy win, but Coach wants us working hard and working on our passing and defense. The three loses in a row pushed our confidence back. All three losses being in February and early March was horrible. All three were home games and I have no idea what happened. I definitely wasn't on my game. Especially when I saw Treston in the bleachers. My mind went crazy and Coach nearly took me out.
We have the ACC Championships coming up and the team wants to do well. Things have been weird between all of us and I'm partly to blame. My head hasn't been in the game and I need to focus or else I'm going to lose my spot on the team.
Before going inside the library, I call my mom. I need her advice before I explode. The phone rings three times before she answers.
"Hi honey. How are you?"
"Sucky. Been seeing Treston a lot and I don't know what to do. I want to forgive him and have in my life again, but I don't know. It's so hard. What do I do?"
I hear my mom sigh. After Treston left, she wasn't too happy and Joe wanted to kill him. It was nice spending time with my parents and Jackson. I'm not sure how I would have survived Thanksgiving without them.
"Honey, you have to do what makes you happy. I know it's hard without Treston and I also know how upset you've been."
"I know, that's what makes it so hard."
"I think the two of you need to talk and figure it out. But can I say one thing?"
"Sure." I sit down on the grass, crossing my legs, waiting for her words of wisdom.
"I've never seen you as happy as you were with Treston. He did something to you and I think it's important to realize that. Honey, he made you shine."
Tears instantly come to my eyes. "I know he did, but he also left me. I miss him so much and I want him back. I'm scared that he'll never let me in. He doesn't trust me enough to understand him."
"You won’t know until you try, honey."
"Yeah." We're both silent. Neither of us knows what to say and I know my parents want me to be happy. Hell, I want to be happy too. It's not like I can snap my fingers and find my happy place. It doesn't work like that. I'm not sure when or how, but hopefully one day we'll find our wa
y. "Mom, I'm going to go study. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
"I love you too. Be good."
"Always."
When I get up and turn around, I nearly fall down. "Jackson."
"Come on, sweetheart. Let's go talk."
My shoulders slump and he puts his arm around me. We walk to his car and he drives back to the house.
"Is Treston home?"
"No, he has class until four."
"Oh, okay." I open the door when Jackson parks and walk inside with him. Placing my bags on the floor, I sit on the couch and watch Jackson do the same.
I miss being here. I miss the times Treston and I would sit on the couch and watch movies. I'd lay on his lap and he'd play with my hair. I miss it all.
"Are you going to tell Treston you still want him?" I shake my head. "Well, why the hell not?"
"Jackson," I start to say, "I can't. Like I've explained to everyone, we're not right for each other. It's better this way and I know that we're both hurting. It won't last forever. I mean my god, I saw Peony get on her knees for him just the other day."
"You know, I thought the same after we broke up. Thought I wouldn't be able to find someone until a few weeks ago."
"Really? Who?"
"Someone I met. She came unexpectedly and that's what love is all about. One thing you'll learn is, love doesn't wait for you. Love will come, even when you don't want it."
I listen to him and agree.
"So, what are you going to do?'
"I'm not telling him, Jackson. We're so bad for each other."
"That's where you're wrong. The both of you are better together than apart."
Before I can answer, the door opens and Treston walks in. Jackson gets up and walks to him. They whisper to each other and I want to hear them. What the fuck is going on?
Jackson pats Treston's shoulder and turns to give me a wink. Fuckers. They set me up. Treston's eyes are on me and I follow him until he sits down.
"You look beautiful today."
"Thanks."
"I need to ask you one question and when you answer, if it's the answer I don't want, then I promise I'll leave you alone. Deal?"
I pause, thinking about what he asked me. There could be a million things, but I have a feeling I know what he's going to ask. Mentally, I prepare myself for the answer.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?"
Not exactly what I thought he'd ask me. "If I say yes, you will?" He slowly nods his head.
"I'm tired of showing you how much I miss and love you. It hurts, Peaches. It hurts seeing you and not being able to touch you. I have to be fair to you and myself."
"Let me ask you something."
"Go ahead."
"Will you let me in?"
He pauses and looks down. "I can't."
"Then I can't either. Until you're able to let me in and try, then we can't be together. I'm tired of crying over you and loving you. I wish every night that you'll try and make us work. You're a coward, Treston." I get up from the couch and give him one last look. "I still love you. But we're not whole as a couple until you can let me in. And if you can’t then this is how it has to be." I turn away and walk out of the house. My eyes get glossy and I hate it. I fucking hate him.
But I love him.
“Katy! I can’t feel my feet. Oh my gosh! Am I drunk?” This is why I shouldn’t drink. I overdid it today and hate myself. God, Coach is going to fucking kill me tomorrow.
“Zara, shhh.” Katy pulls me out of the car and helps me into the house. Tonight, I don’t know what tonight is or what I did. I ended up getting an ID and went to town with it. No one questioned me. I had to get away after talking to Treston and now I guess I'm being benched for two games. This is great. My life is falling apart and I can't do anything.
“But Katy, I’m flying.”
Jamie rushes out and they carry me to my room, stripping me out of my clothes and sitting on the bed with me.
“What happened?”
“Same thing,” she sighs, wrapping the blanket around my body.
“You gotta tell someone. Get Treston back here. She can't do this. She's going to get kicked off the team if she pulls another stunt like this again.”
“NO!” I shout, a little too loud. “Treston can't know. He's leaving me alone now," I slur.
"We'll talk tomorrow, okay babe? We’re all here for you.” I look at her and Katy and try to smile. “We’ll be on the floor, so yell if you need us okay?” I nod.
The next morning, I miss my classes and stay in bed until practice. Katy gave me a heads up that Treston and Gavin were running practice today. Instantly, I'm pissed. I don't want to see him or listen to him scream at me.
Before practice Coach comes over to the house and sees how shitty I look.
"Well this isn't what I expect to see."
"Hey Coach," I say. My stomach's in knots and I'm about to shit myself. "What's up?"
"Why don't you tell me? Because the player I followed since her freshman year in high school is not the player I'm seeing now. Where's your head at?"
I wince when she says that to me. "A little fucked up right now. I know I'm not playing my best and I've been missing practice, but Treston..."
She stops me from talking. "I know. Coach Young and I talked. So," she stops talking to and looks at me. "Are you going to let how you feel get in the way of your talent and dream? Would Treston want this?"
I don't answer and Coach knows I won't. She pats my knee and tells me to be good at practice today and expects me to be the player she knows.
If only...
Getting my bag and water, I walk with Katy and Jamie to practice. We get to the field and stretch until the guys get here.
"Ready for today?" Katy asks.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
In a few minutes, Treston and Gavin get to the field and blow the whistle for us to run for twenty minutes. I groan and get up. Honestly, I'm so dumb for drinking last night. So many things are going on in my head and I have Coach's words replaying. I have to get my game back or else everything I've worked for will be gone.
Katy, Jamie and I start running and I'm slow. They look at me and ask if I can make it through this practice.
"I'm going to have to."
We finish the run, well just barely for me, and take a few minutes to drink water. Closing my eyes, I finish the water in my water bottle and just as fast as I drank the water, it comes right back up.
"I'm not going to make it today," I mutter, throwing up again.
"Zara, let's go," Treston shouts for me. I slowly get up and then back down I go.
He blows the whistle and it pisses me off. "Give me a minute!" I shout, hoping he'll get it.
"Now, Zara." Katy and Jamie run to me and help me up. They walk with me to the center and I give Treston the finger. I'm not in the mood today.
"Why don't you sit this one out?"
"Are you serious? I was just over by the bleachers!"
"And? I'M your lacrosse coach for today, so when I say go sit this one out, then you sit it out."
I feel my heart racing. I feel small. Shit, I breathe, I can't let him see me cry. "No. I'm ready to practice, so let me," I tell him.
"Why, Peaches?" I don't answer. It's stupid he knows we have a big game coming up. "From what I can see, you've been pretty selfish and only care for yourself. If you care about your team, then you need to get your priorities in check." He stares me down. I don't know what else to say so I turn away, grabbing my things and leave the field.
I know walking away isn't the best thing to do, but I have to. He's right. I've been a grade A bitch, thinking if I was someone else I would forget who I truly am-a scared girl who is always looking over her shoulder. I should have apologized and did what he asked, but when he called me out in front of the team and I let him tear me down, I knew it was going to be bad.
What am I going to do now?
CHAPTER 24
TRESTON
"
A LITTLE TOO HARD ON her, don't you think?" Gavin opens his car door and I follow.
Today at practice was a fucking mess. Half the girls were hung-over and I kicked out the star player. Coach Young and Kaler are going to kick my ass.
"She deserves it. What am I supposed to do? She won't listen and thinks she owns the field."
Needing to get to the gym as soon as possible, I walk in before Gavin and head to the weights. Lifting and loud, screaming music, helps me clear my head. The anger from this afternoon with Zara is pulsating. How can this beautiful angel piss me off and make me happy in less than five seconds?
After the gym, we head back home, but the feeling of needing to talk to Zara consumes me. Putting on my Nike sneakers, I head to the girls’ house and walk inside.
"Yoooo," I shout, waiting for a response.
Katy comes into the living room, holding a bowl of popcorn and cocks her head to the right. "Upstairs," she points and I head up.
Without knocking, I head to her room and look for her. "Zara!" The bathroom door opens and fuck me. She's standing in front of me with a towel around her fine body. Fuck. I need to stop staring at her and think about something else.
"What are you doing in here?"
"Wanted to talk and apologize about today. I hope everything's fine."
She has a stern look on her face, "Yeah. Sure. Just great. You can leave now."
I'm fucking fuming. This is the only girl who can get under my skin in less than a second. "You know what? Fuck it. I'm not sorry. You can think whatever the fuck you want." Her eyes go to mine and instantly I melt. "Forget it, Zara. You're fucking hopeless." I run out of her room, down the stairs, throw my deuces in the air to Katy and head out.
I need to hit something or else I'm going to kill the star player of the Blue Devils.
Pulling out my iPhone and ear buds, I press shuffle on my Spotify and start running. Music calms me down as I focus on my breathing and feel the cement through my sneakers. The current song ends and Thirty Seconds to Mars "Hurricane" comes on. The words hit me and I realize this girl is worth fighting for. Even though she's pushing me away, I'm going to push back. I'm not giving up on her or us.
