He stood with his hands in his pockets and stared at me. I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t want to cry.
“Do you want to go for a drive?”
He shrugged.
“Do you want me to drive or do you want to?” I asked.
He pulled his keys out and shook them.
I smiled and headed to the door.
It felt good sitting inside the Jeep. I took a long deep breath memorizing the smell just in case it was my last. As the engine came to life and he pulled forward, I breathed. The streetlights in downtown Ashland were lit and tourists filled the streets for the Shakespearean Festival. Zach slowed for some kids crossing the street then shot around the corner toward the park, which was full. He parked.
“Do you want to get out?” he asked.
“I don’t care. I just want to talk,” I said with my hands folded in my lap.
“What do you want, Em?”
I unbuckled and turned to him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He laid his head back against the headrest.
“Please forgive me,” I asked.
“OK.”
I touched his freshly shaven cheek. “You do?” I let myself hope that things were going to be alright.
“Why not,” he said indifferently, shrugging with one shoulder.
“You forgive me, but you still don’t want me?” I whispered.
He inhaled the deepest breath I’d ever heard. “Emma. When I gave you that ring that you’re wearing, it was more for me. I’d never committed to anyone…ever. And I thought that you and I…” He paused circling the steering wheel with a finger. “My mom told me you were young and that I needed to be careful.” A low grumble came from his throat. “I thought you wanted this too so I didn’t listen.”
“Zach, I…”
He held up his hand stopping me.
“You are the only girl I’ve been with in a year. The thought of being with someone else doesn’t even appeal to me. I worried about scaring you off in the beginning and then assumed we were on the same page.”
Soundlessly, hot tears spilled onto my cheeks. I couldn’t speak now if I had to. A golf-ball size lump wedged in my throat.
“It never.” He stopped, shaking his head. “It never occurred to me that you would be the one to cheat.”
I sobbed out loud.
“Zach. Please,” I cried.
“What? What do you want from me?”
“It wasn’t like that,” I sniffed. “I love you. Austin…it was an aberration. That’s not who I am!”
He raised his brows. “Did he tell you to say that? That sounds like something he would say.”
“No. That stupid list was made at a bad time. He was trying to help me get my mind off… some things.”
“Paul?”
His name took my breath away and I closed my eyes. When his hand grazed my skin, it startled me and my eyes popped open. He pulled away.
“Sorry,” he said.
“The list…” I changed the subject. “It was to help get through the summer. It wasn’t supposed to do this.”
He snickered. “Em. You swam naked with him.”
“I know. It was stupid. I was trashed. It was the day I’d found the pictures of you and Jaycee.”
“What happened…in that pool… anyway?”
I stalled—contemplating lying. It would be easier that way. “He kissed me,” I cried softly.
His fist slammed down on the steering wheel. I flinched then covered my face with my palms. My chest vibrated with sobs.
“Is being drunk an excuse…because if it is I’d like to know.”
I shook my head. “No. I know it’s not an excuse. I have no excuse. What I did was wrong and I will never do it again. I let the distance come between us.”
“I leave in three weeks. Do you think I want to try another long distance relationship with you?”
My nightmare was coming true. “Probably not. But I’ve learned. I know now.”
“And what about Austin?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t talk to him the last three days.” It wasn’t a lie but it still didn’t feel good.
He studied my expression then touched the eye that had been hurt. “Tell me what Paul did.”
My stomach rolled. “I thought you knew.”
“I know the gist of it.”
For the first time, he lifted my hand to his mouth and softly kissed a knuckle. I skimmed over meeting the guys on the beach that night and got to the part where I was going inside and was showing Paul the rocks.
“He grabbed me from behind and at first I thought he was joking. Then when he shoved his mouth to mine…and I could taste.” I slapped my hand over my mouth as if I could taste the smoke. “He’d been smoking and…” I shuddered and I couldn’t look at Zach. I felt dirty. “He picked me up and threw me against the rock.” Zach’s hand tightened around mine and my eyes flickered to his long enough to see his hardened face soften. “Before I realized what was happening, his hand shot up my shirt and I screamed for you or maybe Ryan and he kept calling me baby…baby.” I covered my face and cried. Zach’s arm was around my shoulders. A few quiet minutes passed. “He’d managed to jerk my sweats down and I knew what was going to happen.” My body went limp in the seat and Zach’s breathing was heavy. “I was so glad we’d been together. I was so happy that I’d shared it with you first.” My sobs migrated to wails.
“Shh,” he whispered into my hair. “Then Austin got there?”
I nodded. “He and Seth. I heard Seth pounding on Paul, and Austin, he stayed with me.”
“Why didn’t someone call the police? Tell your parents? Tell me?”
I shook my head. “Because nothing really happened. I mean…”
“Nothing happened!” his voice seemed to ricochet off the walls of the Jeep and I cringed. “Emma. You were violated. Beat. It was battery. It was attempted rape! You go to prison for that. That asshole should be in prison,” he growled.
I opened my door and got out seeing tourists walking through the park. I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t that bad. It was fine. He didn’t hurt me.
Zach was in hot pursuit behind me. “What were the guys thinking? Did they think they could hide this to protect a friend?”
My body flipped around so fast and my finger shot in his face. “He was not their friend. They wanted to tell. Austin was angry that I wouldn’t call the police. But I made them promise they wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Even me?”
My face saddened. “Especially you.”
He closed his eyes and his jaw tightened. “Why?”
I wasn’t used to the heat and it was unbearable to breathe. I shuffled toward the bridge, staring down into the black water, listening to it trickling over the river rock. I reached over taking his hand in mine and found his eyes. “When he was on top of me, the one thing that comforted me…that got me through it…was thinking about what you would do to him. Then the moment he was off of me, the thing that scared me most was thinking about what you would do to him. I knew I could never tell you.”
“So you wanted to protect me?” His voice was barely audible.
The nod was slow, but it was a nod.
“God, Em.”
I pushed his arms away. “Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s one thing Austin didn’t do. Ryan treated me different and Grant—Oh my God—I was suddenly a little china doll to him. But Austin was different. I need you to be different too.”
Zach’s expression soured. “It doesn’t negate the fact that four men allowed a girl to call the shots. The police should have been called and your parents should have been told. You don’t get to say what happens in a situation like that.”
My jaw snapped shut. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I blurted out and jogged toward the Jeep. The door was unlocked and he joined me a few minutes later.
“Will you take me back to my car?” I asked and the Jeep came to life.
As we rounded the corner, his headlights
shone on the windshield of my car. He gave me a sideways glance.
“What is that?” I asked referring to the white blob on my windshield.
He shrugged and pulled next to it. I was glad to see he wasn’t parking. We both got out and he touched it.
“Shit,” he hissed.
“What?” I shouted rounding his bumper and saw the brown goop dripping off my car. My face fell as I too touched the sticky stuff and smelled it. Syrup! I leaned it to get a better look of the white blob. Cottage cheese?! I could smell it in the heat. A wave of rage rippled through me. First my boyfriend and now my new car… Austin’s car! That bitch!
Before I realized my legs were moving, I was suddenly sprinting across the yard, up the steps and through the front door of Connor’s house.
“Em. Wait!” Zach shouted from somewhere behind me.
Chapter 33—Mine!
Ryan and Brett were in the living room when I bolted through the door. Estelle was on the sofa with Connor and a glint of a smile touched her lips.
“Em. What’s wrong?” Ryan barked.
A plate of chips and queso sat on the coffee table and I grabbed it flipping it toward Estelle’s face. Little tortilla rounds and cheese dripped from her hair as she stood clenching her fists. I didn’t have time to waste on her. She shouted something as I rounded the kitchen corner.
“What the hell did you do, Zach?” I heard Ryan grit. He misread my anger.
“Stop her,” Zach ordered.
There she was! My heart pounded so forcefully I thought it’d explode as I stomped in her direction with tight fists. Her back was to me and the look on Josh’s face was one of fear as he saw me. Jaycee started to turn but her yellow ringlets were in my hand and I was jerking her head back. She was instantly off balance and we both went down to the ceramic tile floor. The slap to my left cheek stung but didn’t detour me as my fist came down and made crunching contact with her nose. She screamed as I was immediately lifted off of her. My legs thrashed and I kicked her hard in the leg.
“Get off me, you stupid bitch,” she yelled with her hand on her nose, fighting to get to her feet and lunging after me but Zach grabbed her from behind.
“What the hell is going on?” Ryan yelled then turned to Zach. “Are you and Jaycee?”
“No!” Zach shouted.
I didn’t even know who was restraining me but I figured Josh. My upper lip was pulled tight over my teeth and my anger scared me.
“Go look at my car and what they did!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jaycee yelled dabbing blood. Zach’s arms still around her.
“You’re a fucking liar,” I seethed trying to catch my breath. “Please let me go,” I said to whoever was behind me. It was Josh and he did release me. Ryan squared himself between me and Jaycee.
“What’d they do?” he asked.
“There’s syrup and cottage cheese all over it!”
Jaycee snickered.
“Did you do it?” Zach asked letting her go.
She turned to him and touched his chest whispering something.
“Don’t fucking touch him,” I hollered flying across the room and Zach easily stopped me wrapping my chest in one arm away from her.
A slow conniving smile extended from cheek to cheek on her face, and I wrestled with Zach trying to free myself. He had to use both arms. “Stop,” he quietly encouraged.
“Runt,” Jaycee said with distaste. “I touched him all summer long.”
I raised my brows. “I don’t believe you.”
“She’s lying,” Zach said under his breath.
“Suit yourself.”
“Where’re your keys?” Zach asked loosening his hold on me. I pulled the key from my pocket and handed it to him. My hand still trembled and he noticed. “Let’s go.”
I didn’t know where but I knew I’d go anywhere with him. He took my hand without asking and led me to the door.
“You’re leaving with her? Jaycee asked in shock.
“Squash it, Jaycee.” I heard Ryan’s voice as we exited.
His stride was long and fast and I struggled to keep up. He opened the passenger side door of my car.
“May I drive?” he asked.
I slid in without asking why and suddenly Austin’s smell was again swallowing me. I tried to block it.
“Where are we going?” I questioned once he’d started the car, spraying the glass with windshield wiper fluid and clearing it the best we could.
“To the car wash.”
That was fine for now. We were at least together.
We had to wait behind one car for the automatic wash and neither of us talked. The silence was uncomfortable.
“I’ll start with the drive through wash and see what it does, then wash it by hand to do a better job.”
I twisted in my seat and looked at him. “You don’t have to do this. I can…”
“She did it because of me. This is my fault,” his said in a low voice.
I laughed under my breath. “Please. She despises me.”
It was our turn and he shifted into drive and followed the arrows. The water pressure was forceful and the car was instantly filled with a white noise.
“Why does she despise you, Em?”
I thought about his question then stared blankly at him.
“Exactly,” he said. “It’s my fault. I’m afraid I’m as guilty as you are for letting things go south with you and me. Though I didn’t swim naked with anyone and my lips never touched anyone else,” he winked and the thought of being able to poke fun at it made me more at ease and hopeful. “I knew she liked me and I led her to believe that…well…there could be something when she had no chance.”
An internal sigh moved through me as he’d finally seen what I’d seen all summer. As I shifted in my seat, I bumped my knuckles and the pain radiating through my hand was intolerable. I flicked it downward.
“Let me see it,” he asked holding out his hand and I placed my right hand in his palm. “It’s kind of swollen,” he chuckled.
I smacked his shoulder with my left backhand and his chuckle turned into laughter. “What?” I asked.
“You punched her good. I’ve never seen you…”
“That mad? I’ve never hit anyone in my life. Except for Ryan.”
“Then Estelle’s hair.”
I shrugged slowly. “I was really pissed,” I said embarrassed now of my actions.
“Well, you gave it really good effort.” He kissed my knuckle and I melted into the seat.
I quickly took advantage of his weakness. “Will you kiss me?” It sounded like I was begging.
His perfect brown eyes stared into mine. “Not yet,” he whispered.
Though disappointment washed through me, there was hope.
He left the car running as he parked at the curb across from his Jeep. Most of the cars were still at Connor’s.
“Well. You’ve inherited a sweet ride. Top of the line, no doubt. That’s how Austin likes things right?”
My shoulders pulled into a shrug. That was an understatement.
“I recall a conversation on the beach with him. I believe his exact words were… ‘if she were mine, I’d fight for her too’…is he gonna fight?”
“Zach, it wasn’t like that. There’s nothing to fight for,” I spoke softly.
“I would disagree with that. Sand dunes, crab, wine, swimming, doctors visits. He’s deeper than you think.” His hand traced my fingers one at a time.
“You’re wrong. He just wants to be my friend.”
He smiled. “OK.” I didn’t like the OK. It was sort of a whatever-I’ll-agree-with-you…OK.
“You going back in?” I asked hoping he wasn’t.
“No. But Emma,” he paused and my stomach twisted with the words. “I have to talk to Jaycee. I owe that to her.”
“What do you owe her?” I asked trying to stay calm.
“I owe her an apology.”
I nodded though I completel
y disagreed. “Can I be with you when you talk to her?”
His lips pursed faster than I imagined. “That wouldn’t be a good idea. Just trust me.”
“I do.”
He started to get out and I grabbed his arm.
“Wait.”
He glanced back at me. “What?”
“Where are we? I mean…are you and I…OK?”
His posture relaxed back in the seat and he stared out the windshield. “We’re OK. I’m just not sure where we are. I’m not sure this is right anymore.”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that we’re not right.” I felt panicked inside and threw my arms around his neck.
A long sigh came from his throat and his secure embrace was reassuring. I breathed, I mean truly breathed and gripped him tighter than ever before, clasping my hands around his neck.
“Hold me. Just hold me,” I implored.
His arms fully wrapped around my body and were so long they overlapped. Several minutes flew past and he loosened, but I didn’t.
“Em.” He pulled at my elbows and easily broke my hold. I lowered my head. “Baby.” He winced. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”
“It’s OK. It hurts more not hearing it.”
“Things have a way of working themselves out. Be patient.”
Patience wasn’t something I was good at. No matter how hard I tried, this would stress me out until I knew his answer. Does this mean it’s OK to text…not text…call him…not call. I needed answers.
I quietly nodded and he kissed my forehead and shut the door.
The next morning I decided to time my run taking the same four-mile route I’d always taken in Ashland. It was an adjustment, inhaling the warmer air which was more soothing to my lungs. The cement on the other hand was a different story. The shin splints that would shoot up my legs the rest of the week would be excruciating, but after a week or so they’d feel fine. After three miles, my stomach began to cramp and a nauseating urge swam through me. Though my time was above pace, I stopped as if I’d hit a brick wall and I touched my abdomen. My period. My mind flashed to the X on the pocket calendar, but I couldn’t recall the date. I swallowed the rising antibiotic that I’d downed with orange juice before I left and put every last ounce of strength into the final mile, dashing up the steep driveway and through the garage door where a note hung from mom: ‘gone to the grocery store.’
Finally...One Summer (Just One of the Guys) Page 22
