by Jahquel J.
11
Justice
“Another fucking baby you done lost. What the fuck is your uterus doing? Rejecting fucking babies!” Todd hollered from the kitchen table. I watched as spit flew from his mouth onto his pork chop. That didn’t stop him from making me feel like shit because I lost our baby.
“That’s exactly what it does, Todd. It rejects the baby,” I replied sarcastically. My mouth was much more slick because I knew he couldn’t move the way he used to.
He cut into his pork chop and then pointed his knife at me. “I’d knock your ass around if I didn’t have this leg missing, you know that?” he asked like I was going to reply to his threat.
I turned back on the movie I had been watching before he started back on the subject of me losing the baby. After I left Ghost’s house the other day, I knew I had to come home and tell him. I mean, I told Priest before I had told him, so the right thing was for me to let him know. When I told him, he didn’t comfort me or even offer some positive words. Instead he blamed me and made it all about him. Being in this apartment with him day in and day out was draining. He had always been a negative bastard, but it seemed with the loss of mobility he had become worse. I was so tired of hearing him complain about everything down to the way I put his socks on.
“My sister sent me some money to cover the bills for this month. Next month you’re going to have to ask your parents to lend us some money. I can’t keep asking my sister. She has a family of her own to provide for,” I warned him.
As much as Free complained about me being with Todd, she loved me more. I needed to borrow money for bills, and she came through for me. As long as I needed it, my sister wouldn’t hesitate to give it to me. Just because it was easier to ask her didn’t make it right. Free had to care for my niece and nephew, not my grown ass. Especially when I had a damn man laying up in my bed not contributing anything to the bills.
“If you go out and get a damn job you wouldn’t have had to do that shit,” he had the nerve to mutter as he shoved some food into his mouth.
“You don’t think I’ve been trying? No school will even touch me after what happened. Unemployment won’t pay anything out to me… What have you done? Disability paid you anything?”
“Why you had the fucking WIFI turned off?” He switched subjects like I knew he would. When it came to talking about his money he never wanted to talk about it.
“We don’t need it.”
“Who the fuck said?” he snarled. I turned it off because he had gotten back to his gambling. It was worst now that he didn’t have a job and stayed in the house all day. I refused for him to spend thousands of dollars gambling when we needed the money for our bills. I shouldn’t have to ask my sister for money when I had a man who could blow money on gambling in ten seconds.
“You done?”
“Justice, I’ll knock the fuck out of you!” he slammed his hand down on the kitchen table angry. “Your fat ass can’t fuck right, carry a baby and make a dry ass pork chop and you got the nerve to ask me if I’m done. Bitch, when I’m done, I’ll tell you.”
I dropped the remote onto the couch and stood up. Todd cut his menacing eyes at me as I walked over to him and slapped the shit out him. I slapped him so hard my hand was stinging. The stinging sensation on my hand should have stopped me, yet the feeling I felt through my body caused me to do it again. He didn’t have a chance to say anything because each time he spoke I made sure to slap him in the mouth. He reached out and tried to hit me, but I backed up, so he fell out of the chair.
“For years I put up with your shit. I’m done, man. I tried to be a good woman and stick by your side, but you don’t want a good woman. You want someone to belittle to make yourself feel better. I got a second chance at life since the crash and I’m wasting it with you. Wasting it with someone who didn’t value my life enough not to drink before getting behind a wheel. You losing your leg was your karma, not mine.”
“Get me the fuck off this floor, Justice,” he said through gritted teeth. I stood there and stared at him. “I’m gonna fuck you up good soon as you get me off the floor.”
I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. “911, what’s your emergency?” the operator answered.
“Hi, my boyfriend tried to kill himself. I walked in just in time, but I want to make sure he’s checked out.”
“Address?” I told her my address and any information she needed before she ended the call and told me the ambulance would be on their way.
“You’re a lying fucking bitch!” he yelled. “You know they’ll hold me on a seventy-hour hold.”
“Smart. Maybe this time away will help you realize what you had here with me. When they release you, I’ll be sure to make sure your mother takes you to their home. Your clothes will be over there already.”
I left his ass on the floor and went into the bedroom to put my robe on. My nightgown was a lace material and I didn’t need them seeing my body. Todd continued to yell a bunch of shit while I brushed my hair and ignored his ass. He still didn’t understand that I had the upper hand in this situation. The paramedics arrived quickly, and I let them in to put him on a stretcher.
“He’s been really down since he lost his leg. You know he was a firefighter,” I poured on to make them believe it more.
“She’s fucking lying. This bitch tried to kill me,” he lied, knowing damn well he fell out that chair because he wanted to hit me.
“See, he’s so upset, and I don’t want anything to happen to him,” I tried to hold my laugh.
“Ma’am, we’ll bring him to Staten Island Hospital north side. Will you be riding along?” I shook my head no.
“I need a minute to get my thoughts together. Just make sure he doesn’t hurt himself anymore,” I faked like I was crying as they pulled him out of our apartment. The nosey neighbors were lingering in the hallway trying to see what was going on. Todd was screaming and telling them how I was a lying bitch.
When I shut that door, I went to our closet and pulled his clothes out. As I packed his clothes, tears fell down my cheeks. It felt like I was literally cutting cancer out of my life. This man had done and said so much to me that I thought I deserved the shit he dished out. Seeing how I was there for his ass at his worst and he still could fix his mouth to disrespect me was the last straw. He sat there and said mean and hurtful shit to keep me thinking down about myself. His leg was missing, not mine. I was choosing to put up with someone that I didn’t have to put up with. Todd needed me, I didn’t need him. I gave up at my chance to be loved by a real man because I chose his ass. My heart was done hurting because I felt like I needed Todd in my life. The truth of the matter was that I didn’t need or want his ass. His sex was weak, his breath would stink after an hour of just brushing his teeth and he grinded his teeth. There was so many things I could point out, yet I never did. When he was upset he never had a problem pointing out that I was overweight or the fact that I couldn’t carry a child.
I grabbed my phone and dialed Priest’s number. He didn’t answer the first ring, so I called it back and he answered. “Yo,” he sounded like he was asleep.
“You busy?”
“Nah, just came in the crib and fell asleep. What’s good?” he yawned into the phone. His voice sounded so sexy when he just woke up.
“I want to see you,” I told him. It was true. Since we had left each other the other day, he had been on my mind.
The fact that Marisol was giving him a baby bothered me, but not as much as I thought it would. Priest had been upfront about everything and never lied to me. I just didn’t like Marisol for him. She wanted to create drama between us so bad and I never took the bait. What was the purpose to tear each other down? At the end of the day she would still be having his baby. I was focused on trying to get my life together and take control of it.
“I want to see your fine ass too. Come to G’s crib, I’m here.”
“K.”
“You gonna stay the night or you leaving?”
�
�What you want me to do?” I flirted back and moved the phone from my mouth as I held my hand over my mouth. This man gave me damn butterflies.
“You know what I want you to do, so pack you a bag and come through,” he told me. “Matter fact, meet me at my crib, I’m tired of being around all these damn people.”
“Cool. I’ll see you then.”
“Nah, I’m coming to scoop you,” he told me and ended the call.
I rushed around my apartment putting a small bag together and grabbing some clothes to put on. I fixed my hair and found me a sweat suit to wear before he could arrive. The way I felt about Priest was hard to explain. It was hard to explain the things his voice did to my body. The way he took control, yet he wasn’t controlling. You could tell he knew how to treat a woman just from the way his hardened exterior softened when he got around me. To the hood, he was a man that wouldn’t hesitate to kill you, to me he was Priest, the man that loved old school music and long drives to clear his mind.
Something inside of me snapped when Todd was going off about me losing the baby. For years I stood by his side while everyone called me stupid. My own mother wouldn’t speak to me and here I was still by his side. The least he could have done was shown compassion, yet he couldn’t even do that. I wanted him to love me, tell me that I meant something to him and be the man that he had promised to be years ago. Instead, he found some sick enjoyment in disrespecting me on a daily basis. Each time I turned around, it was something that I did that bothered him. No matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever good enough for him and I was tired. I was tired of not being enough for him, especially when I had a man that would give me the world. Priest wanted me more than he wanted to breathe. Instead, I pushed him away to be with a man that I knew would never work.
The knock at my front deterred me from my thoughts. I grabbed my duffle bag and purse and headed to the front door. Priest was standing there in a jogging suit, fresh Nikes and a snapback pulled over his eyes. When he laid eyes on me, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the lips. Our lips parted and he took a whiff from my neck before placing a kiss on it. My body felt like it was floating on a high when he touched me. It seemed like nothing could go wrong whenever I was in his presence.
“Damn, I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I admitted and kissed him again on the lips. He touched my face as he stared into my eyes. “Why you looking at me like that?” I looked away because his stare was intimidating.
“I don’t know. Feel like this a dream or something,” he took my duffle bag as I locked my apartment door and followed him to his car.
He held the door open for me and I slipped inside the seat. “It’s not a dream,” I smiled as he got into the driver’s seat.
“Jus, on the real… don’t play games with me. I’m not a nigga that’s gonna distract you from the fucked-up shit that nigga puts you through. Before I put this car into drive, I need to know that you’re serious and you’re done with that nigga.”
“I’m done with him, Priest,” I promised. Usually when I said I was done with Todd, deep down I always knew I would go back to him. Staring into his eyes, I knew that I was done with Todd. Me and him could no longer be together and it was best for me. He needed help and didn’t deserve a woman like me in his life.
“Roshon,” he replied.
“Huh?”
“Call me Roshon,” he told me and pulled out the parking spot in front of my apartment. “You special, so I want you to call me by my name.”
A smiled appeared on my face. “Okay, Ro-Ro,” I teased.
“See, here you go,” he laughed and made a right. “We staying at my crib.”
“Why you staying at G’s house anyway?”
“Too much shit has happened since your sister’s crib was shot up.” When I got the call about Free’s house being shot up, I cried. My sister or niece and nephew could have been killed. I offered for Free to come stay with me, but she declined. I knew with Todd being here she would never come and stay with me, yet I wanted to offer her a place she could stay that was safe.
“No one is stupid enough to come and shoot your home up.”
“Tell that to G, he the one that wants everyone at his crib,” he replied and turned the music down. “It works out since the girls are not alone when I’m handling business.”
“I guess. How’s Kiss doing with everything?”
“Spoiled. Everybody waits on her hand and foot,” he laughed as he continued to drive through the blocks of South Beach.
“She is pregnant. Has she been on you about the baby shower?”
“Nah, she know I’m not giving in to that. Her ass need to start on those college applications and stop playing with me.”
“I thought she did some already?”
“Yeah, she did. Now that I know she’s pregnant it’s like she doesn’t give a damn about college. Her priority is her kid, I get that, but she needs to go to college too.”
“Don’t put all that pressure on her. You got to let her have time to think all of this out. She’s about to become a mama really soon. College will happen, just on her time,” I could tell he didn’t give a damn about what I had said.
Priest wanted Kiss to go to college, so he didn’t feel like a failure as a parent. It was one thing for her to be pregnant at seventeen, yet another for her to be a mom at seventeen with no plans on attending college. He couldn’t take that he failed as a parent, which he didn’t. Kiss made the decision to lay down and have sex. Still, you couldn’t tell him that.
The sun crashed through the blinds and I opened one eye to see Priest staying right at me. I pulled the covers over my face while he laughed. Last night when we came into the house all we did was eat and went to bed. I didn’t realize how tired I had been until I plopped down on his comfy couch to watch movies. I never realized how draining it was having to deal with Todd and all his antics. Being able to lay down and relax with Priest felt like everything. I felt safe and relaxed and that was something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Pulling the covers from my face, I stared at him and offered him a slight smile.
“Why are you staring at me like a creep?”
“Shit, you was snoring and then choked up something, so I was checking to see if you were alive,” he laughed, and I covered my face again. “Don’t try and be embarrassed now.”
“Listen, I’ve been tired and haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time,” I admitted.
Lately, it seemed like when my head hit the pillow sleep could never come. Usually, I had too much on my mind to sleep. While Todd slept like a baby, I was up thinking about how we would pay next month’s set of bills. It was tiring when you had to carry everything on your back without help.
“Why you can’t sleep?” he asked.
I sighed and sat up in the bed. “I’m unemployed, broke and have to beg my sister to pay my bills. I’ve applied for other jobs, but no one will touch me with what happened. I’m just tired of everything. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth me being here.”
Priest looked at me and pulled me over to him. “Don’t talk like that ever. You’re supposed to be here and nah, everything isn’t going to be easy, but you don’t ever talk like that,” he stared me in the eyes.
“I know, but it feels like that sometimes. The choices I’ve made are my own, but I’m sick and tired of shit being so hard for me.”
“Tell me what you want to do with your career,” he told me, and I stared at him briefly before I started to speak.
“I want to open up my own tutoring programs for children. I love my job the most when it was just me and a student working one on one. Kiss reminded me of that when I came over to tutor her. I love having that personal connection with a child while tutoring them. If it was up to me, I would open my own center and tutor the youth,” I answered.
Teaching was what I always wanted to do. I love children and teaching them had always been a bonus. When I started teaching high school students I had lost my pass
ion. Long before I was fired, the passion to teach wasn’t there anymore. Especially since I was teaching a bunch of rich entitled assholes who felt they didn’t have to pay attention. When I was tutoring Kiss, it reminded me of the passion I had for teaching children. Starting a program where other teachers could come together, and tutor children would be a dream come true. Things like that cost money and money was something that I was short on these days.
“Why don’t you do that shit? These kids out here need more programs and shit.”
“It takes money to do all of those things. In the future, I know I will, but right now that’s the last thing I’m thinking about. I need to work,” I sighed.
I’ve always been the type to hold down a job. Not having a job and depending on my sisters was something I couldn’t get used to. I loved making my own money and paying my own bills. My savings were gone because Todd thought it was a great idea to be gambling while in the hospital. When I found out how much money he spent and lost I wanted to cry. If my mother or sisters knew they would have slapped the shit out of me for being so stupid. Hell, I wanted to slap the shit out of myself for allowing him to dig me into this financial hole that I was now in.
“What if I could help you with the money part?”
“No, I’m not accepting any money from you. You’ve helped me enough and I can’t thank you enough for that. Let’s not complicate things by you buying or giving me money,” I told him. It was one thing for me to ask my sisters for money, but I wasn’t about to ask Priest for any money.
“Jus, you know it’s nothi—”
I shut him up by pushing my lips onto his. I straddled him on the bed and continued to kiss him while his hands roamed my body. I pulled away and stared into his eyes. “Dang, do I have to do that to get you to shut up each time?” I laughed.
He flipped me over and got on top as he pulled at my shorts. “Nah, you not about to start something. We bout to finish this shit,” he pulled my shorts and then my panties.
