Theo couldn’t say no after that. He headed to the opposite end of the counter. Jessie moved to join him. The bar between them was the only thing stopping Theo from hugging Jessie. He had never been happier to see anyone. “You look really good,” Theo said the moment they had an ounce of privacy.
Jessie didn’t respond to Theo’s compliment. Instead, he handed Theo a brightly wrapped box. “Merry Christmas.”
To Theo’s horror, his hands shook slightly as he reached for the gift. He couldn’t believe Jessie was really here and he had a present for Theo. He felt ridiculous. There was a ribbon tied around the box and Theo didn’t want to break it. It was red and pretty. While Theo doubted Jessie had actually wrapped the gift himself, he still wanted to keep the bow. Thankfully, Jessie didn’t call him on his sentimental actions. He finally managed to get the ribbon off the box without damaging it. From there, all he had to do was lift the lid. Theo stared down at the contents with his heart in his throat. It was a comic book. The brightly drawn image on the front was unmistakably Theo, ragged-looking and sitting sideways in the backseat of a police car.
“Thunder’s Savior,” Theo read aloud while lifting the comic from the box.
“It’s our story,” Jessie said, making Theo’s throat swell. “I had it commissioned while I was in rehab.”
Theo couldn’t even speak as he flipped through the pages. Scene after scene of them went by in a series of moments from their lives together. Theo stopped after a few pages. He already knew it didn’t have a happy ending. He wanted to read it in private. Theo swallowed, trying to make his throat work. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” He finally managed to meet Jessie’s stare. “Thank you. That doesn’t sound adequate. I’ve missed you.” Theo’s voice cracked on the confession.
“I texted you countless times, but you never responded.”
A humorless chuckle rose in Theo’s throat at Jessie’s claim. He had just wanted to yell at William for ignoring his texts. Now he was under the same spotlight. “I left the phone you gave me behind. It didn’t seem right to act like I expected you to keep paying my phone bill after I moved in with Ezra.”
Jessie looked a little more irritated by the second. “I told you I would take care of you.”
That wasn’t the point and Theo didn’t know how to make Jessie understand. He couldn’t let Jessie do anything for him, knowing their love didn’t match. He knew Jessie loved him—maybe the way a person loved their best friend. Theo was ass over tea kettle in love with Jessie, and every day Jessie didn’t love him back, Theo died a little more. If he stayed under Jessie’s roof and let Jessie keep supporting him while Jessie kept sleeping with everyone else, maybe one day Theo would hate him. That was the last thing Theo wanted.
There were so many things Theo wanted to say to that claim. The words clogged his brain and threatened to factory reset him. Theo chose to instead keep things light. “What were you doing with a phone in rehab anyhow? Don’t they take everything, including your shoelaces?”
Jessie smiled. It was filled with laughter and Theo was lost. “I went to rich people rehab. It’s not the same.” Jessie’s smile slipped away. “I have so much I want to say to you. Will you please let me?”
In the face of Jessie’s open desperation, Theo found himself agreeing. “I’m off tomorrow. When I get up, I’ll head over.”
Jessie gave him a sharp nod. “That’s all I can ask.” He leaned his elbows on the counter, invading Theo’s space. Theo automatically inhaled. He had missed the smell of Jessie’s cologne. Missed Jessie. “Damn,” Jessie breathed, sounding truly blown away. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”
It was like Theo was falling into Jessie’s eyes. His body swayed toward Jessie, as if getting sucked closer to the other half of his soul.
Jessie took advantage. He shot forward and pressed his lips to Theo’s. Theo sucked in a gasp. He had forgotten Jessie’s taste. The weight of his lips. His feelings were so heavy they made it hard to breathe. Theo found himself tracing Jessie’s jawline with the tip of his finger. He felt Jessie take a ragged breath against his lips. Nothing Jessie said to him could have been as powerful as that breath. Theo’s eyes burned as he realized this was the first time Jessie had ever kissed him sober. Jessie wanting him had nothing to do with convenience. Theo wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, mourning everything he had lost.
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
Theo nodded, even though Jessie was already walking away. He watched him go with his heart in his throat. All the times Theo had told himself he wouldn’t see Jessie again were out the window. Theo wondered if he would ever be free. It was possible he was simply too far gone. He had lost more than his heart when he met Jessie. Sometimes, Theo thought Jessie might have stolen his soul.
Cool air filled Jessie’s lungs. He couldn’t recall the last time he took time to look at the stars. For the hundredth time, Jessie’s hand lifted to his cheek. He could still feel Theo’s finger tracing the line of his jaw. Slow. Sweet. Reverent. Tomorrow morning felt so far away. He wanted to text Theo, but Theo no longer had his phone. After learning that, he had gone straight home and to Theo’s bedroom. Even the necklace Jessie had given him had been left behind. Theo hadn’t taken a damn thing. Not the clothes nor the laptop. Even his shampoo was still in the shower. Jessie knew he could trust Ezra to take care of Theo. In fact, Theo looked amazing. It was obvious Ezra had been feeding him. He had filled out some and looked delicious, but Jessie wanted to be the reason Theo looked healthy. Goddamn, Jessie ached to be with him. He missed their talks. The sound of Theo’s laughter. Jessie felt empty without him.
Jessie settled deeper into the lounge by the pool. He knew he should go inside and get some sleep. His counselor had stressed keeping a regular daily schedule. Jessie saw her point. His skin felt too tight. He already missed the oblivion. Inside, the walls had been closing in and choking the life from him. Jessie didn’t know how to be sober and alone. He would figure it out, because he couldn’t fail the people who loved him, but he also couldn’t go inside.
“Do you have a single person on your security team who does anything but eat your food?”
An out-of-control smile tugged at Jessie’s lips at the sound of Theo’s voice. He turned his head. Theo stood, clutching the gift box Jessie had given him earlier and wearing the same clothes—like he hadn’t bothered to go home before coming straight to Jessie. He had never been happier to see anyone in his life. “No one would stop you from coming onto the property. This is still your home. Your bedroom is still waiting. I’ve had Declan make sure your favorite foods are always stocked. Everything is just waiting for you to come back, including me.”
Theo didn’t move any closer. “If I hadn’t left when I did, you might not have almost died. I could’ve stopped you.”
Jessie’s felt his forehead furrow. He didn’t understand how Theo could think such a thing. “Oh, baby. You don’t really believe that, do you?” Jessie sat up. He patted the lounge. “Come here.”
Theo did as told, but he didn’t loosen his hold on the box he hugged to his chest. Something about that twisted at Jessie’s heart. He couldn’t let Theo believe for one second that he had ever had any part in Jessie’s addictions. The problem was, he didn’t really know how to make Theo understand no one could fix him except him. He just picked a place and started talking.
“Listen, gorgeous. Nothing I’ve done is on you.” Jessie blew out a breath. Even to his ears, Jessie sounded like he was spouting pandering bullshit. “Did you ever Google me?”
Theo’s beautiful blue eyes swung Jessie’s way. “No. You asked me not to, so I didn’t.”
A smile snapped to Jessie’s lips. Damn. He really loved Theo. “Maybe you should, after all. Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure. Anything.” Theo’s immediate agreement was adorable.
“Will you come to bed with me? We don’t have to do anything. I’m just having a really hard time tonight. They
told me I should try to stick to a schedule, but the walls are closing in on me.”
Theo stood and headed for the house. “Come on.”
While trying to hide his ridiculous smile, Jessie followed closely on Theo’s heels. Once inside the kitchen, Theo headed the wrong direction—like he planned to go to his old bedroom. Jessie paused. “Where are you going? My room is this way,” he said, motioning toward the opposite direction.
Theo turned his head from side to side, looking first down the hall and then back toward the living room where Jessie pointed. “Really? I always thought your room was right next to mine.”
Jessie shook his head. “Declan’s room is next to yours. I put you next to him so he could keep an eye on you for a few nights when you first moved in. That way, you couldn’t sneak away from me. My bedroom is connected to my studio. That way, if inspiration strikes in the middle of the night, I can wander into my studio, fuck around, and not disturb anyone.”
Theo’s furrowed forehead didn’t clear away. He shook his head and followed Jessie to the studio and then through another door to his bedroom. Theo paused just inside the doorway and looked around. “I never even noticed this door. Your bedroom is nothing like I expected.”
Jessie glanced around at his small bedroom. It was pretty sparse. King-sized bed. Nightstand. Dresser. Bathroom. Closet. He didn’t really need anything else. “What were you expecting besides it being on the opposite side of the house?”
Theo shrugged. “Now that I think about it, I should’ve pictured this. You always take care of everyone else and keep nothing for yourself.”
“I feel like I should be somewhat insulted.”
Theo didn’t smile like he’d hoped. In fact, he wouldn’t even meet Jessie’s gaze. “Can I ask you something that is completely none of my business?”
Jessie didn’t need to think about it. “Everything is your business. Ask away.”
Theo finally met his stare. He looked intense—like he needed to see Jessie answer, so he could judge for himself if Jessie lied. “When was the last time you had sex?”
Jessie blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that one. Jessie stood by his earlier boast. Everything was Theo’s business, but this one was a little touchy for him. It was humiliating to admit that he had been too messed up to get it up for longer than he could remember. “Hmm,” Jessie hummed, struggling to remember. “I think I last tried about a year and a half ago.” Jessie moved to pull the covers down on his bed and started stripping down to his underwear.
“Tried?”
Jessie took the gift box from Theo and set it on the dresser. “Yes. Tried. You’ve never been an addict. It’s hard to get it up or keep it up when you’ve got so much chemical in your blood that there’s no reason you’re still moving at all.” Jessie shrugged as he went to work, stealing Theo’s shirt. “Most guys didn’t care. They just wanted to tell people they took me home. But they care once you start puking in their bed. So, eventually, I stopped pretending I cared about anything other than losing myself in a high and stayed home.” Jessie held Theo’s stare. “And then, you came to me, and I started craving something else again. You are the first thing I’ve needed more than my trip.” Jessie unbuttoned Theo’s jeans. “Come to bed with me. Let me hold you. Help me sleep. Tomorrow, I will tell you anything you want to know.”
“Okay.” Theo sounded nervous.
Even though Jessie was literally throbbing with lust, he truly only wanted to hold Theo. He slid down Theo’s zipper, trying not to brush the erection Theo could not hide. “Damn, you’re beautiful,” Jessie breathed. “Your gorgeous heart makes me want to be better.”
Theo’s gaze dropped to Jessie’s lips before snapping back to Jessie’s eyes. He visibly swallowed. “I know you need sleep, but would it be okay if I kissed you?”
Jessie could barely breathe through the thick desire. “Please?”
Theo didn’t move fast. He took a step closer while staring at Jessie’s mouth. By the time Theo’s lips tentatively touched Jessie’s, Jessie’s patience was gone. He shoved both hands inside the back of Theo’s jeans, diving inside his underwear. Jessie squeezed Theo’s ass, kneading as he hauled Theo against him. He kissed and bit as he tugged at Theo’s clothes. It wasn’t until Theo was nude, had his legs wrapped around Jessie’s waist, and Jessie was headed toward the bed that Jessie calmed a hair. His kiss lightened as he set one knee on the bed and lowered Theo to the mattress. Even as aroused as Jessie was, he held on to a modicum of sense. He wouldn’t move too fast. This wasn’t about sex. The unnatural amount of love and desire that Jessie felt toward Theo needed to be cherished. He needed to be closer to him.
Theo pushed Jessie’s underwear down his hips. “I’m not asking for anything,” he whispered. “Just your skin against mine.”
There was so much bravery in that small request, considering how badly Jessie had hurt him. Jessie wouldn’t let him down. He shifted positions and peeled off his underwear before covering Theo’s body with his. Theo sucked in a breath as Jessie straddled him and their erections met. Jessie kissed the tip of Theo’s nose. Theo stared up at him with so much love and trust that Jessie’s eyes stung. Jessie rocked, incapable of staying still. A loud gasp escaped Theo. Jessie did it again. The friction between their bodies felt so good. Jessie linked fingers with Theo, stared down into his eyes, and thrust. The pressure against his cock wasn’t anywhere near enough, yet it was maddeningly perfect. Jessie’s hips rolled, seeking more pleasure. Theo gasped and whimpered beneath him, accepting the frustrating way Jessie made love to him.
“You look so turned on,” Jessie whispered without thought. He couldn’t stop. “Just beautiful and aggravated.” A smile pulled at Jessie’s lips. “I don’t want to look away. I want to watch you come.” Theo tried biting back a moan. It came out smothered-sounding. Jessie couldn’t have that. He changed angles and ground down, dragging a cry from Theo. “Fuck, yeah,” Jessie growled, wanting more. “Don’t hide, Theo. Give me your pleasure. I want to hear it.”
Theo whimpered.
Something inside Jessie snapped. He needed to taste that sound. His mouth slammed down on Theo’s as he reached between and pumped. He held their cocks together and thrust, losing all patience. Theo cried out around their entwined tongues. Hot cum gushed between them, soaking Jessie’s skin. Jessie focused on the way Theo shook and the building pressure. He pictured himself buried in Theo’s virgin ass. A loud gasp burst from him as ecstasy punched him. His body shook as cum shot from his dick, pouring onto Theo. The knowledge that it was Theo beneath him had Jessie’s mind a complete mess. He fought, saying all the words that crowded his brain. Theo hadn’t agreed to come home. He hadn’t said they were a couple. Theo had simply agreed to stay with him tonight. Jessie’s sanity was too fragile. He couldn’t let himself slip or hope. Jessie had a lot of making up to do. He couldn’t expect Theo to pretend Jessie hadn’t been a complete piece of shit since the day they met.
As their tongues stroked and their hands fought to feel every inch of each other, an unusual sensation filled Jessie. It had been so long since he felt this way that it took him a minute to decipher the emotion. It was hope. Jessie hadn’t possessed an ounce of hope in so goddamn long, he wanted to cry. Theo had done that. He was the one who saved Jessie in more ways than one. Jessie would fight to keep him right here where he belonged—under Jessie’s roof and beneath his body. First, he would let the boy sleep. Then, tomorrow, Jessie would give him the world.
While dragging his fingertips up and down the back of Jessie’s arm that was draped over Theo’s body, Theo stared at the ceiling wide awake. Jessie’s deep breathing sounded peaceful. Theo felt full. Of all the times he imagined making love to Jessie, Theo never pictured that. He had expected more. Theo had certainly expected a lot more pain on his part. He hadn’t pictured their bodies moving together the way they had—beautiful, like making music. Still, Theo kind of wanted the pain. He didn’t think he would feel like he had gotten as close as he possible could
to Jessie until Jessie was buried inside him.
Theo turned his head and stared at Jessie’s sleeping face. He looked relaxed. Younger. Theo smiled. He was sickeningly in love with this man. Theo wanted to know every detail of his life. He fought the urge to wake Jessie and beg for his every story. Theo’s gaze slid toward the dresser at the thought of stories. He had been so hellbent on getting to Jessie after work, Theo hadn’t taken the time to read the comic Jessie had made for him. An overwhelming need to know slammed into Theo. There was no way in hell he would sleep anytime soon.
While moving slow and trying not to wake Jessie, Theo slipped from beneath Jessie’s arm and out of bed. For a moment, he stood completely still, making sure Jessie didn’t wake before rushing to grab his underwear and the box. He carried both into the studio. After pulling on his underwear, Theo sat on the floor and took the lid off the box. His breath came out sounding shaky as he turned the first page on the comic. Theo’s eyes burned from not wanting to blink. He eyed every line and detail of each picture. They were so true to life, Jessie had to have given the artist pictures of Theo to be this accurate. He smiled at the way they captured how Theo and Jessie always seemed to sway toward one another when talking and how they always sat too close. His smile grew at a picture of their fingers accidentally brushing followed by an image of them looking at each other in surprise. As he got deeper into the story, things grew darker. Storm clouds brewed over Jessie’s head and hints of a past tragedy haunted him. His thoughts grew uglier as he realized he had dragged Theo down into a pit with him. Tears gathered in Theo’s eyes as he read about Jessie purposely overdosing and Theo bringing him back to life. A hot tear landed on Theo’s leg as he went through rehab with Jessie in the story and read the text messages Theo wouldn’t answer. By the time he reached the final page, tears flowed freely down his cheeks. The last page was a single image. Jessie’s phone with one final unread message to Theo.
Beautifully Toxic Page 9
