“Oh.”
“It happened a year ago. It was a hit-and-run like Lucy’s. But not everyone survived. My PTSD was pretty bad. Some days I still have trouble. But it’s gotten better since we moved to LA. Since . . .”
“Since you met Lucy,” Brooke finished.
Jaxon nodded.
He and Brooke sat in silence for a while. Then she said. “I think this is good.”
Jaxon looked up from the pattern in the carpet he’d been studying. “What?”
“I know it sounds corny but I believe sometimes fate brings people who need each other together, like trying to right a wrong in the world by helping people who belong together find one another. And in your case, I think the accident was meant to bring you and Lucy together for a reason.”
Jaxon swallowed back the emotion that suddenly quelled inside him.
“She needs you,” Brooke said quietly. “Please don’t let her down. She’s already had too much of that in her life.”
“I won’t,” Jaxon said. And he meant it.
The minute he’d seen Lucy struggling in her flashback he’d made a decision. He was all in. He couldn’t walk away from Lucy now if he tried. He was through trying to protect himself by keeping distance between them. He needed to be there for Lucy.
Jaxon was possibly the only person who knew what she was going through. He knew just how terrible reliving an accident trapped in a flashback could feel. He couldn’t just let her deal with that on her own. Not when he was the one person who could actually help her.
Jaxon was done running. He was committing himself to Lucy. He’d been kidding himself thinking he hadn’t already done so the moment he’d pulled her out of that burning car. He knew he’d stand by her. Whether she wanted anything more than friendship or not, he was determined to be someone she could count on, no matter what it cost his heart . . . it was already so badly damaged, there wasn’t much use trying to save it anyway.
29
Lucy
Lucy woke up with aching limbs the next morning. She rolled over in bed and groaned. Had yesterday really happened? Her wine headache let her know it had. And then she saw the bandages Jaxon had applied to her hands and elbow. Jaxon. Good Lord, that had happened too.
Lucy decided maybe getting out of bed was a bad idea. It’s not like she had anything to live for. She’d broken up with her boyfriend and mortally embarrassed herself by trying to drunk-kiss the guy of her dreams. All in one day! Way to go, Lucy. That’s a new record.
She pulled the covers over her head and decided to give sleep another try. But the smell of breakfast coming from somewhere on the other side of her bedroom door finally made Lucy drag herself out of bed.
Realizing she was still wearing her clothes from last night, Lucy decided to change. She tugged on her blue swim team shorts and white tank top. She picked up Jaxon’s hoodie from the back of her chair and snuggled it to her chest. She still hadn’t given it back to him and felt a pang of sadness knowing he’d want it back after she’d practically thrown herself at him. She’d probably never see him again. She knew she would run for the hills if she was in his shoes.
Lucy pulled the hoodie to her nose, her heart squeezing painfully as she realized it didn’t smell like him anymore. Jaxon smelled like boy and soap and sunshine. Lucy missed that smell, but it was something she was gonna have to get used to. But maybe not today.
She realized it made her pathetic but she pulled the oversized hoodie over her head anyway, sighing when its warmth captured her. She pulled her hair to the side and twisted it into a quick braid, hoping her appearance was good enough to spare her a walk of shame lecture from Brooke. With any luck, Brooke had been asleep when Lucy got home last night. She was still a bit hazy on the details of how she’d gotten home. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in Jaxon’s truck wishing she had another bottle of wine to drown her embarrassment in.
Lucy groaned. She was never drinking again. It made her do stupid things. Hugging the soft gray fabric of the hoodie for strength, Lucy decided she couldn’t put off facing the world forever. She pulled her bedroom door open and crutched her way into the living room.
The scene that greeted Lucy in her kitchen stopped her in her tracks. Laughter and the smell of food—real food—being cooked in their kitchen filled the room. Both Brooke and Jaxon stood over the stove, their backs to Lucy as they argued over something Jaxon was mixing.
Brooke reached for the bowl and Jaxon smacked her hand, causing Brooke to chuck a blueberry at his head.
“Am I still asleep?” Lucy asked, thinking this had to be a dream.
No one cooked in her apartment. Ever. And Jaxon and Brooke certainly weren’t on a breakfast chums level yet. But sure enough, they both turned around and greeted her like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Good morning, sleepy head!” Brooke chirped. “Hope you’re hungry.”
“We’re making pancakes,” Jaxon said expertly flipping the one in his pan.
“Blueberry pancakes,” Brooke corrected.
“Since when do you know how to make pancakes?” Lucy asked moving to take a seat at the breakfast bar.
“I don’t, but our new chef, Hotty McHero, does.” Brooke smacked Jaxon on the ass with a spatula, which was clearly more of a weapon than a cooking utensil in her hands.
“Where did you even get all this stuff?” Lucy asked pointing to the bowls of fruit and bags of white substance that was hopefully flour and sugar—if it wasn’t they’d be in a lot of trouble if Saint Andrews decided to have a drug bust at the moment.
“Jaxon stocked us up,” Brooke replied.
“Yeah, I figured it was time someone showed you animals how actual adults live.”
Brooke picked up a brown egg from the carton on the counter and stared at it mockingly, like it was a foreign object. “So this is food. Who knew?” she cracked.
Lucy was completely stunned. “Jaxon, you did all of this?”
“It wasn’t a big deal. I was looking for something to wash down a Tylenol last night and all you had in your fridge was cheap beer, expired condiments and some half eaten ice cream.”
“And that made you decide to rob a grocery store?” Lucy asked.
“No, I set you girls up with a grocery service. You’ll get actual groceries delivered to your door weekly now.”
Brooke joined Lucy at the breakfast bar and popped another blueberry in her mouth while Jaxon finished up the pancakes. She nudged Lucy with her shoulder and winked. “This is pretty great, right?”
“Um, yeah, but at what point do we tell him that we don’t actually know how to cook?” Lucy whispered.
“I don’t think we’ll have to.”
“And why’s that?” Lucy asked.
“I’ve got a feeling he’s sticking around for a while.”
Lucy just blinked at her best friend, still not sure how to process the bizarre scene unfolding in their kitchen.
Brooke only shrugged. “Who knows, maybe I’ll learn to cook.”
Lucy nearly choked on her coffee. “Okay, how long was I asleep?”
Jaxon
After breakfast, Jaxon pulled Lucy aside onto the tiny balcony off the living room while Brooke did the dishes. They sat on pink plastic chairs, letting the morning sun warm their bare feet.
Jaxon took a moment to enjoy the view for a while before he finally mustered up the courage to say what needed to be said. “Lucy, can we talk?”
Lucy looked at him with uncertainty.
“It’s nothing bad. I just wanted to explain some things to you.”
“Jaxon,” Lucy started. “You don’t owe me any explanations.”
Jaxon rubbed the back of his neck. “I think I do.”
“No, really. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I’m so sorry that I got drunk last night.” Then she lowered her voice. “ And I can’t believe I tried to kiss you.”
So she remembered. “Lucy . . .” Jaxon began.
She inter
rupted. “Seriously, can we just forget about everything that happened after the wine? I promise I’m never drinking again.”
“That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Lucy’s face turned pink. “Oh. It’s not?”
“No. But I do want to ask you about something else that happened last night.”
“What?”
“How long have you been having nightmares like that?”
Lucy stiffened. “Did I . . . it happened again? Last night?”
Jaxon nodded slowly, watching Lucy process her memories.
“And you were here?”
He nodded again. “I was talking to Brooke when it happened. Afterward, I stayed with you until you fell asleep. Then I crashed on the couch to make sure I’d be here if it happened again.” Lucy’s hands came up to cover her face and Jaxon slowly pulled them away. “Hey, don’t shut me out.”
Lucy let him hold her hands, but she still didn’t look up.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”
When she didn’t respond, his heart faltered.
“Lucy, I know what you’re going through. And if you don’t talk to someone about it, it’s going to get worse.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“Brooke said you’ve been having nightmares like that almost every night.”
Lucy nodded.
“You know they’re not really nightmares.”
“They’re worse,” she whispered. “They feel so real.”
“They’re flashbacks. I think you’re dealing with post traumatic stress, Lucy.”
She chewed her bottom lip and pulled one of her hands back to swipe at a tear. It broke Jaxon to see Lucy like that. He knew firsthand how horrible it felt to be trapped by something you couldn’t control. Every fiber of his being wanted to help her. And he knew what he had to do. He had to let her in, maybe not all the way, maybe not just yet. But enough to help her through this.
Jaxon needed to share his vulnerabilities and what he had experienced in the long months that followed the accident that stole his mother and changed his life. He wanted to let Lucy in, hoping that sharing his experience would help her know she wasn’t alone. But it wasn’t easy. Opening up that part of himself was something Jaxon still struggled with.
He focused on her slender hand in his. His eyes traveled down her bare legs to where the bruises were almost healed. He gazed at her cast. Her break was healing too, but the deepest cuts were inside, where no one could see. Jaxon knew that better than anyone. The best he could hope to offer Lucy was his support. The fact that he had gone through this and survived, meant that she could too.
Maybe sharing some of his story with her would give her some kind of peace and help her find closure, something Jaxon was still looking for himself. Maybe they could find it together.
“Lucy, I want to tell you something I’ve never really shared with anyone outside my family before.”
She looked up at him, her eyes open and trusting.
“I know exactly what you’re going through, because I went through it myself. Hell, I’m still going through it.” Jaxon took a deep breath. “I have PTSD, Lucy. It’s not easy to talk about, but it’s not something to be ashamed of either.”
Her hand squeezed his, encouraging him to go on.
“What we went through . . . an accident like that . . . we’re only human, Lucy. It’s okay to feel messed up.”
“But you don’t seem messed up,” she whispered. “Not like me.”
Jaxon huffed a bitter laugh. He felt like the poster child for messed up. “After the accident first happened I relived that day a million times wishing I’d done just one thing different to change the outcome. And when I was done doing that I relived the accident over and over. It got so bad that I couldn’t eat or sleep. I didn’t even want to live. I just had so much guilt that I survived and my mother didn’t. My father couldn’t help me. He was just as messed up as me over losing my mother. And I couldn’t talk to him about it. I was the reason she was dead.”
“Jaxon . . .”
But he shook his head. “She was at my basketball game.”
“But that doesn’t make it your fault.”
If only she knew the whole truth. But Jaxon couldn’t go there. Not even after all the therapy in the world—he still couldn’t say the truth out loud. Especially not to Lucy. She’d never look at him the same. But still, he wanted to help her, so he shared as much as he could.
Jaxon kept going. He told Lucy about how after his mother died in the accident, his father was so grief-stricken that he lost his job, then the house. He told her how Conner had to shoulder the role of man of the house all while dealing with the loss, too. How Conner had been in the accident also, but he somehow held enough strength to hold what was left of their family together until their uncle took over.
Jaxon told her about his long road to recovery. About how messed up he still was when he first started at Saint Andrews, but how the therapy sessions that his uncle had set up really helped. And then he told her what it was like the day he’d seen her car accident and how it had sent him back to that place that he was trying to leave behind. And how it was her voice that broke through to him when he thought he would drown in another flashback. And how saving her somehow felt like saving a piece of himself.
When he finished, Lucy was in tears. They flowed silently down her cheeks as she squeezed his hands.
Jaxon took a steadying breath. “I’m telling you all of this because I know what you’re going through. And I promise you that I’m gonna be here for you. I’ll get you through this Lucy . . . if you’ll let me.”
“Jaxon . . . I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
He gave her a tight smile. “Stubbornness is a trait we share.”
She smiled.
“But I’m serious, Lucy. When things get bad I want you to come to me.”
She frowned. “Well now I just feel stupid. What you went through is so much worse than what I’m dealing with.”
“No it’s not. What you’re feeling is valid. There aren’t different levels of hurt, Lucy. If you’re hurting, I want to help. No excuses.”
Lucy glanced at him, a question burning in her eyes. “Do you ever feel weak?”
“All the time.”
“Me too,” she whispered. “I just feel stupid and weak. I mean these nightmares or flashbacks or whatever they are, they’re just in my head. I should be able to control it.”
“I know. But it’s okay. Your reaction is perfectly normal. You’ve been through a major trauma. It would be weird if you weren’t affected by it.”
She finally met his gaze, the gold flecks in her hazel eyes glinting in the sunlight. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Does it ever go away?”
“I don’t know if it ever goes away completely. But it does get better. Talking to a professional really helped me.”
She nodded, but looked unconvinced.
“I want you to know that you can always come to me, Lucy. It’s not healthy to keep this all bottled up inside.”
She huffed a quiet laugh.
“What?”
“I don’t need to burden you with anymore of my drama.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re dealing with so much, Jaxon. Plus, you’ve saved me enough times already. It’s embarrassing.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Oh really? So we’re just sweeping the fact that I got drunk last night and tried to kiss you under the rug?”
Jaxon couldn’t keep the corners of his mouth from twitching up into a grin.
Lucy crossed her arms. “Don’t smile at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like that!”
“Why not?”
Lucy glared at him. “Because it makes me want to do stupid things, like kiss you.”
“I never said I didn’t want you to kiss me.”
>
“Um, your rejection was pretty clear.”
Jaxon smirked. “I don’t think your memory is very clear.”
“I was drinking wine, not mind erasers.” Lucy scowled. “You said ‘not like this’.”
Jaxon couldn’t hold in his laughter. Her adorably accurate imitation of him made him want to sweep Lucy into his arms, but he contained himself. “All I meant was I didn’t want to kiss you while you were drunk.”
Lucy’s beautiful eyes grew a size larger. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” Jaxon squeezed her knee playfully. “Damn, Smalls. Give me some credit.”
She blinked up at him, her cheeks full of color again. “So . . . you’re saying you did want to kiss me?”
“I’m saying I prefer you to be sober and single when I do.”
Lucy
So he wasn’t saying no. He was actually being a gentleman. Man, this guy truly was a unicorn. Renewed hope bubbled in Lucy’s chest. She grinned at Jaxon and he smiled back. He put his mug of coffee down and pulled her legs onto his lap.
“Looks like your cast art needs a touch up,” he remarked running his finger over the scuffmarks she’d gotten thanks to her tumble at the stadium. “Since we’re on the topic of soccer and being single . . . where are you with all of that?”
“You mean Alex?” Lucy muttered.
Jaxon nodded.
“We’re done.”
“Does he know that?”
Lucy scoffed. “I think it was pretty clear.”
“Are you going to talk to him?”
“Eventually.”
“I think it would be good if you did. Just to make things official.”
“I plan to.”
Jaxon smirked. “Good. Make sure you let me know when you do.”
Butterflies hatched in Lucy’s stomach, turning her delicious breakfast into a blissful batter of excitement. Maybe today wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
When Lucy woke up this morning, she never would’ve guessed her day would go like this. She expected to eat cold pizza and nurse her hangover and sorrows on the couch all day. But instead she was sitting in a warm patch of sunlight with the boy of her dreams smiling back at her, warmer than the California sun. It felt like a wall had come down between them. Jaxon had let her in today and she didn’t want to let go.
The Accidental Boyfriend: A YA Contemporary Romance Novel (The Boyfriend Series Book 7) Page 20
