by Lori L. Otto
Without looking away from her, he answers me. “Yes, sir.”
“It’s Dad now.” Livvy releases Jon and holds my hand, grinning.
“Yes, Dad.”
_____
* Walter de la Mare. “Silver.” Collected Poems 1901-1918, Vol II: Songs of Childhood, 1902.
LIVVY EXTRAS
Jack’s Terms - Jack and Jon’s conversation after Livvy’s birthday dinner (Jon’s point of view)
Curitiba - Jon has a question for Jack and Emi (Jon’s point of view)
JON - “JACK’S TERMS”
“You make her very happy,” Jack says to me as we cross the street. “But you are also capable of making her very sad.”
I’d expected him to put me on the spot, but I’m still not fully prepared for this conversation. “I know,” I tell him.
“Was it your intention to do that? To hurt her like that?”
Honestly, it was, but I don’t know if I should admit that to him. I stay silent, plotting my response.
“Jon, you were two years younger when you came to me and tried to convince me that you were old enough to make adult decisions. Do you remember those conversations?”
“Of course I do.”
“My daughter is not one to be ignored. Ever. And an adult finds ways to confront problems. He doesn’t avoid them and hope they’ll go away.”
“I know this, Jack.”
“Then why did you do that to her? Why did you let her suffer like that?”
“Because she hurt me. I felt betrayed. I had to walk away. I had to have some time to think about what she’d done, and what she meant to me.”
“What she meant, or what she means?”
“What she means,” I correct my statement as we wait for the signal to cross.
“Care to elaborate?” her father asks.
“She’s my world. I don’t have a choice but to forgive her.”
“Can you?”
“I have.”
“For good?”
“Yes, sir, I have.”
“Because I don’t want her having to relive your anger weeks, months, years from now because you don’t feel you can trust her. She loves you with all of her heart, and there should be no resentment or reservations in your affections for her.”
“There aren’t.”
“You saying that leads me to think I have to accept that you’ve done a lot of maturing over the summer. Because, son, I honestly think what you did was selfish and immature. I don’t know if Livvy would ever say that. Livvy would probably defend your actions, but I can’t believe you let her go on like that. Painting after painting, letter after letter, day after day, week after week, her mother and I listened to her cry herself to sleep. Her pain was ours, and it was unendurable. Many mornings, I’d wake up ready to tell my daughter it was time to move on... that it was time to leave you behind.”
“She wouldn’t listen?” I ask.
“I never came out and told her until she’d finished the last letter. And Emi never wanted me to tell her that. She said she believed that you were as devoted to my Contessa as I’d been to my wife all of my adult life. And if that was true, I didn’t want to be what kept her from the person she was meant to be with. Just as Emi had difficult decisions to make when we were younger, I wanted Livvy to make her own choices. I thought if I had helped her make the wrong decision, she’d never forgive me.”
“Thank you,” I say to him quietly. “And I’m sorry I kept her waiting. But I had to be sure of some things myself before I took her back.”
“Like?”
“I wanted to be sure I’d never walk away again, no matter what. I know she wasn’t unfaithful to me. I accept that’s not what happened, nor do I think she ever would cheat on me.”
“You have to be willing to talk to her,” he says. “As much as she’s put into that relationship, she deserves that. She deserves the opportunity to talk and to hear you out.”
“I agree. Had I been in Manhattan, I think I would have come back around much sooner. It was easy to ignore what was happening back here. It was easy to focus on my family for a change.”
“Relationships aren’t easy.”
“I know they aren’t, Jack. And I’m not saying I want them to be. I will work hard at ours, for as long as she’ll have me.”
It’s his turn to be quiet for a few minutes as we continue our walk toward campus. “Jon, I don’t want to put pressure on either of you. I don’t expect nor want the two of you to get married any time soon. I’m realistic, though, about your relationship. Even though I still think you’re too young to make lifelong commitments to one another, I understand you both have the desire to do that. But let me be clear. If you leave her again, Jon, I will not stand by and encourage her to wait for you. One more time, and that will be it for me. I’ll have lost all faith in you. Whether or not my daughter can forgive that is one thing. But I won’t be able to. And I suspect my opinion will always matter to her, to some degree.”
“Your opinion matters to me, as well. I don’t like that I’ve disappointed you. But I swear it will never happen again. I swear she will always be heard. I swear I will never leave her–not by my choosing, anyway. I want to marry her someday. When that day comes, I want to have your blessing.”
“You don’t have it today,” he says somberly. “She’s too young today.”
“I understand.”
“But you have my blessing to try to make this right. I want her to be happy. She insists that you are the person that makes her happy.”
“I feel the same about her. There’s no one else.”
“Just remember how she had the power to hurt you. Remember that each time you argue or fight or disagree. Remember that and do whatever you can to avoid hurting her like that again.”
“I will.”
“If you do, you’ll have my blessing.”
“Thank you, Jack. And I’m sorry for letting you down.”
“Knowing you, son, I don’t think it will become a habit.”
“It won’t.”
JON - “CURITIBA”
After attempting to straighten out my jacket that had gotten wrinkled after a full day of school and work, I run my fingers through my windswept hair, knocking on the Hollands’ door and waiting nervously on the porch.
“Jon,” Jack says as he opens the door for me. “Come on in.”
“Thanks,” I return, surprised by how hard my heart is pounding. “Thanks for letting me come over on such short notice.”
“It sounded important,” Emi says, taking a seat in the living room. “Trey’s downstairs watching some movies, so it’s just us.”
“Thank you.”
“Drink?” Jack asks.
“Water would be great, thanks.”
“And what should I pour for myself?” he asks. I catch on that he’s trying to figure out why I invited myself over.
“You like scotch, right?” I suggest with a smile. He looks uneasy, nodding as he walks back into the kitchen.
“Is everything okay?” Emi asks.
“Everything’s great,” I assure her. “I just have a couple of questions about Olivia, that’s all.”
“Questions?”
“Yeah.” Her expression is hopeful and expectant. I smile warmly and say softer, “Yeah.” Livvy’s mom puts her hand over her heart and her eyes start to water. “Don’t,” I warn her quietly. “Not yet. There are other concerns first.”
“Oh,” she says after a hard swallow. Jack brings a cup of ice water to me and sits next to his wife, swirling his glass in his hand. She puts her hand on his forearm gently, rubbing his wrist with her thumb. I’ve seen this motion from her many times. She senses his tension and calms him down.
I take a deep breath, but can barely speak when I try. I have to take a drink first. “How do you feel about Olivia leaving in a few weeks?” I ask them, having settled on this as my best segue. I’m having second thoughts now as suspicion creeps into Jack’s face.
“
The same way we felt last time we talked,” he answers. “Excited. Anxious. But we know it’s something she has to do.”
I nod slowly.
“I hope you agree it’s something she has to do,” he adds.
“I absolutely do,” I assure him.
“Good,” he says, taking a sip.
“But what are you most worried about?” I ask them both.
“We’re not worried,” Jack says, but Emi rolls her eyes.
“Something happening to her while she’s there,” Emi corrects him. “It would be such a long flight, and if it was something horrible–”
“Poppet,” Jack tries to interrupt, but she continues, trampling his words.
“If it was something horrible, I’m not sure Florianópolis’ healthcare facilities can compare to what we have here in the States.”
“Nothing is going to happen,” Jack asserts confidently. “I have a feeling your reaction would be the same if she caught a cold or if... well, you get my point.”
“You’re right,” Emi says. “I just want to be there for my daughter. I don’t think that’s so unreasonable.”
“What if I told you,” I begin cautiously, still unsure what their reaction will be, “that I’ll be down in Brazil, too?”
Livvy’s mom maintains eye contact with me, but Jack looks down, and I see his shoulders moving. He seems to be laughing at me.
“Jon, we would never ask you to give up your plans for her.” He takes another drink. “I appreciate the sentiment, but that’s not even on the table.”
“I wouldn’t be giving up my plans,” I tell them. “Or rather, I won’t be.”
“What is this?” Jack asks. “What are you suggesting?”
“When we were in Floripa, at that party, I met two guys from a firm in Curitiba. Their concentration is on sustainable urban planning. When I got back to Manhattan, I told one of my professors about it... and I told my boss about it, too. They were both intrigued.
“I contacted one of the guys down there, and asked if they needed help over the summer. I had recommendations from Columbia and my employer ready to send them. My departmental advisor made arrangements for me to get college credit for the work that I could do with them over the summer.”
I can tell Emi’s pleased, but it’s obvious Jack has concerns.
“I thought you were going to try to save up some money this summer,” he says.
“I still will. The firm in Brazil will be giving me a stipend to live off of and pay for my flights there and back. My bosses here will be paying me what they’d offered me to work in their office, plus a bonus when I come back and present my findings to the firm at the end of the summer. A nice bonus, too, if I do well. And I intend to do very well. And they’ll hold my job for me so I can return in the fall.”
“Where is Curitiba?”
“The city is only a forty minute flight from Livvy. And I’ve made arrangements to work four ten-hour days so I could fly to Floripa on Thursday nights and stay until Sunday afternoons, if she wants me around.”
“Of course she wants you around,” Emi says.
Jack sighs and shakes his head.
“Jacks may not,” she adds. “But to me, it sounds like a great arrangement! And I have no doubt Livvy feels the same.”
“Really?” I ask, ignoring Jack’s hard stare. “You think she’ll be okay with it?”
“She doesn’t know?” Emi asks.
“No. I don’t want her to feel like I’m tagging along; like I’m smothering her.”
“Do you know how many phone calls I’ve taken from her over the past month where she has doubted her decision because she doesn’t want to leave you behind?”
“That’s true,” Jack says. “I’ve been paranoid she’ll back out at the last minute. I guess this would keep her from doing that.”
“That makes me feel better,” I tell them both.
“Well, it doesn’t make me feel very good about it,” her dad says. “I don’t know that I’m okay with the idea of you two living together half of the week.”
“Jacks, honey,” Emi says. “You do realize if she doesn’t go, they will be living together the entire summer in the loft, right?”
He sighs. “I’d already accepted that wasn’t going to happen and forgotten about the possibility. But I wasn’t okay with that, either.”
“I love her, Jack,” I tell him. “We’re going to spend our lives together.”
“That’s what you keep telling me,” he says. Emi smiles reassuringly.
“I’d like to take a step in that direction,” I say, hoping I said it loud enough so that I don’t have to repeat it. Just then, my phone rings. It’s Olivia, I can tell by the ringtone, but I decline the call, wanting to power through this conversation I just started. “I want to–”
The home phone in the kitchen now rings. Jack starts to get up.
“Let it go to voicemail,” Emi says, holding on to his arm and bringing him back down to the couch.
“I’m in the middle of something. You okay?” I text her, just making sure she’s not in any trouble.
“I’m fine. Just want to talk.”
“I’m sure it’s Livvy,” I tell them, holding up my cell phone, “but she says she’s fine.” Her parents nod, and ignore another call to a cell phone that’s also in another room. Hopefully she won’t connect the dots. I’m sure she won’t guess that I’m with her parents, though. “I’ll call you when I’m done.”
“Anyway,” I start again. “I’d like to give Olivia more of an assurance than the promise ring I gave her prematurely two and a half years ago. That thing almost seems like a joke now, the number of times she’s taken it off and put it back on. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I mean, I’m certain it won’t, but I want to make the commitment more. I want it to mean more. I want to make the choice to take it off one she’d really have to consider. I’m not making any sense,” I say, feeling myself rambling.
“Sure you are,” Emi says. She gets up, leaving Jack on the large sofa, and sits next to me on the love seat.
“Is this what I think it is?” Jack asks, setting his drink down on a coaster. He folds his hands into his lap and angles his body toward mine formally. I straighten up, wondering if I’ll be able to speak at all when I try again.
“Yes, sir,” I say to him, waiting for him to correct me on the way I addressed him, but he doesn’t. It must be a good time to use the respectful title. “Sir,” I continue, “I would like to ask Olivia to marry me before we go to Brazil.”
“Absolutely not,” he says quickly. “There is no way we’re going to rush into some marriage this impulsively–”
“No, sir, that’s–”
He stands up, clearly upset. “That doesn’t prove anything except your inability to wait, which shouldn’t surprise me because you’ve always had that problem–”
“Jacks,” Emi says, also standing. She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I think you’re misunderstanding him.” He clamps his mouth shut and runs both of his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated.
“I want to ask her before we go. I don’t want to go through with a wedding yet, sir. I apologize. That wasn’t clear.”
He chuckles lightly before sitting back down on the couch. He takes a deep breath, looking at me with an apologetic smile and crimson cheeks. “No, I’m sorry. Please, continue.”
“Livvy doesn’t know, but I’ve been taking on a lot of side jobs... freelance and tutoring and the like. I bought a stone when we were in Brazil. I remember her telling me that the first engagement ring you bought Emi wasn’t a diamond solitaire... I kind of got it in my head that I’d continue with the tradition, if you don’t mind, sir.”
“Jack,” he finally says to me.
“If you don’t mind... Jack...”
“And why do you want to marry my daughter?”
“Why?” I ask, caught off-guard. After two and a half years of seeing me in Livvy’s life, I never thought he’d need to ask me why.
“I’ve been imagining this moment since the day we adopted her. Yes, why? Tell me why you’re the right man for my daughter.”
“Jacks,” Emi says, clearly amused by his orneriness.
“Poppet, I told your parents. I intend for Jon to tell us. Don’t protect him. He’s a strong kid. He can survive this,” he says sarcastically.
“Of course I can answer it. I want to share my life with her. She makes every day–every moment better.”
“That’s a start,” he says. “Go on.”
With no forethought, I list every reason I can think of to spend the rest of my days with Olivia. I have no doubt some of my reasons are too personal, but I don’t want to sensor my feelings or temper my thoughts. If he needs proof that I’m the right man for Livvy, I’ll make sure he knows all the ways I appreciate her.
“Now when you ask my daughter, I expect you to tell her all of those things.”
“Yes, sir. I will.”
“Just wanted to help prepare you, son.”
“Thank you, Jack,” I tell him getting up to shake his hand. He stands, too, hugging me.
“I don’t want to hear the word wedding until after she graduates.”
“I promise. I will preface this by telling her I don’t want to get married until I can prove that the life I can provide her with will be good enough for her.”
“She would undoubtedly tell you that the life you provide her today is good enough,” Jack says.
“Well, then I won’t marry her until I can prove that the life I can provide her with would be good enough for you.”
He looks intrigued.
“She doesn’t need all of this,” Emi says, looking around her home. “We just need to know she’ll be taken care of. We need to know that the two of you can get by without struggling. But you don’t have to be a millionaire, and you don’t need to be the soul provider for her or for a family someday. Livvy’s a hard worker. She’ll want to contribute.”
Jack nods, smiling at his wife. “Don’t marry her until you can comfortably live the life you want, together,” Jack says.
