I didn't sleep much at all. Instead, I sat by my window and watched the night sky become more and more star-studded. Toward morning, a wave of clouds slipped over the horizon and began to cover the tiny, twinkling diamonds. I closed my eyes and fell asleep for a while and when I awoke again, I saw that it would be a dull, gray day with rain threatening to fall. It added to my gloom and doom. I didn't go down for breakfast. Vera anticipated my action and came up with a tray of hot tea and oatmeal.
"You better get something in you," she advised, "or you'll pass out at the altar."
"Maybe I'd be better off, Vera," I said, but I listened to her and ate as much as I could. I heard some of the people hired to help at the reception arriving downstairs and the preparations to decorate and set up the ballroom begin. Shortly afterward, some of Mamma's and Papa's cousins began to arrive. A few had come from more than a hundred miles away. The musicians appeared and as soon as they turned up their instruments, there was music. Before long, the plantation had a festive air about it. The aromas of luscious foods traveled through the corridors and the dark, old place was filled with light and noise and the chatter of excitement. Despite the way I felt, I couldn't help but be pleased by the changes.
Charlotte and Luther were very excited with the arrival of all the guests and servants. Some of Mamma's and Papa's relatives had never seen Charlotte and doted on her. Afterward, Vera brought her up to my room to see me. She had made her a fancy little dress, too, and she did look adorable. She was eager to go back downstairs and join Luther and not miss a thing.
"At least the children are happy," I muttered. My eyes fell on the clock. With each tick, the hands were being drawn closer and closer to the hour when I would have to emerge from my room and descend the stairs to the notes of "Here Comes the Bride." Only to me it felt more like I was descending the stairs to my execution.
Vera pressed my hand and smiled.
"You look very beautiful, honey," she said. "Your mother would be bursting with pride."
"Thank you, Vera. How I wish Tottie was still here and Henry."
She nodded, took Charlotte's little hand and left me to wait for the clock to strike the hour. Not that many years ago, when Mamma was alive and well, I dreamt of how she and I would spend my wedding day. We would spend hours and hours at her vanity table planning out every strand of my hair. Then we'd experiment with rouge and lipstick. I would have my own wedding dress created with matching shoes and veil. Mamma would dwell over her jewelry box to decide what precious bracelet or necklace I would wear.
After all that I was going to wear had been chosen and the preparations completed, we would sit for hours and hours and talk. I would listen to her memories of her own wedding and Mamma would give me advice about how to act on my first night with my new husband. Then, when I came down the stairs, I would see her gazing up at me with proud, loving eyes. We would exchange smiles and glances like two conspirators who had plotted out every delicious moment. She would reach out and squeeze my hand before I stepped up to the altar and after it was over, she would be the first to hug and kiss me and wish me all the luck and happiness life had to offer. I would cry and feel frightened when I finally left to go on my honeymoon, but Mamma's smile would soothe me and I would be strong enough to start my own wonderful, married life.
Instead of all that, I sat alone in my dreary room and listened to the dreadful tick-tock of my clock with nothing but my own dark thoughts to accompany me.
I wiped away the inevitable tears and sucked in my breath when I heard the music grow louder and when I heard Papa's footsteps in the hallway. He had come to escort me to the top of the stairway. He had come to give me away, to trade me off and repair the blunders of his own ways. I stood up and greeted him with a face of stone when he opened my door.
"Ready?" he asked.
"As much as I'll ever be," I said. He smirked, tugged on his mustache and held out his arm.
I took it and started out, pausing at the doorway to look back at my room, a room that had been a prison to me at one point. But I thought I saw Niles's face in the window looking in and smiling. I smiled back, closed my eyes, pretended it was he waiting for me below, and walked on with Papa.
I stepped down slowly, afraid that my legs would shatter like glass and send me tumbling head over heels down the spiraling stairway to the feet of the smiling guests, now all seated and waiting. I focused on Miss Walker who smiled up at me and I gathered my strength. Papa nodded at some of his friends. I saw the faces of my future husband's friends, strangers who were gazing up at me with close scrutiny to see who had captured Bill Cutler's heart. A few smiled with the same sort of licentious grins; the others remained interested, curious.
We paused at the base of the stairs. The gathering applauded. Ahead of us, the minister waited with Bill Cutler. He turned and flashed his arrogant smile at me as I was led down the aisle like a lamb to slaughter. He did look handsome in his tuxedo with his wavy dark hair brushed neatly on the sides. I saw Emily sitting up front, with Charlotte beside her sitting up properly, her big eyes following everyone's movement and widening when she saw me approaching. Papa brought me up front and stood back. The music stopped. Someone coughed. I heard light laughter from Bill's friends, and then the minister raised his eyes toward the ceiling and began.
He offered two prayers, one longer than the other. Then he nodded to Emily and she began the hymn. The guests were fidgety, but neither he nor Emily cared. When the service finally ended, the minister focused his sad eyes on me, eyes I always felt belonged in an undertaker's head, and began to recite the wedding vows. As soon as he asked, "Who gives this woman to be this bride?" Papa lunged forward and boasted, "I do." Bill Cutler smiled, but I looked down as the minister continued, describing how sacred and serious marriage was before he got to the part where he asked me if I took this man to be my lawful, wedded husband.
Slowly, I let my gaze wash over my future husband's face and the miracle I prayed for occurred. I didn't see Bill Cutler; I saw Niles, sweet and handsome, smiling at me with love just the way he had time after time at the magic pond.
"I do," I said. I never heard Bill Cutler's vows, but when the minister pronounced us man and wife, I felt him lift my veil and press his lips to mine eagerly, kissing me so hard and long it brought a few gasps out of the audience. My eyes snapped open and I gazed at Bill Cutler's face, swollen with pleasure. There was a cheer and the guests rose to offer their congratulations. Every one of my new husband's friends gave me a kiss and wished me luck, winking when they did so. One young man said, "You'll need lots of it, being married to this scoundrel." Finally, I was able to step aside to speak with Miss Walker.
"I wish you all the happiness and health life can offer, Lillian," she said, hugging me.
"And I wish I was still in your class, Miss Walker. I wish it was years ago and I was just a little girl again eager to be taught and excited by every little thing I learned."
She beamed.
"I will miss you," she said. "You were the brightest and best student I ever had. I had hoped you would become a teacher, but now I understand you will have a lot more responsibility as the mistress of an important beach resort."
"I'd rather I became a teacher," I said. She smiled as if I had wished for something impossible.
"Write to me from time to time," she said, and I promised I would.
As soon as the ceremony ended, the party began. I had no appetite, despite the wonderful foods that were brought out. I spent some time with some of Mamma's and Papa's relatives, saw that Charlotte had something to eat and drink, and then, when I was able to, I snuck away from the reception. A light rain had begun, but I ignored it. I lifted my skirt and hurried out the rear entrance of the house, crossing the yard quickly. I found the path to the north field and practically ran all the way to the family graveyard so I could say good-bye to Mamma and Eugenia, who lay side by side.
Raindrops commingled with my tears. For a long moment, I could say nothing. All I cou
ld do was stand there and sob, my shoulders shuddering, my heart so heavy I thought it had turned to stone in my chest. My memory focused on a sunny day years and years ago when Eugenia wasn't yet as sick as she would become. She, Mamma and I were in the gazebo. We were drinking fresh lemonade and Mamma was telling us stories about her youth. I held my little sister's hand and the two of us let our minds roam with Mamma, who wove us through some of the most wonderful days of her youth. She spoke with such feeling and excitement, it made us both feel we were there.
"Oh, the South was a wonderful place then, children. There were parties and dances. The air was festive; the men always so polite and attentive, and the young women always on the verge of one heart song or another. We fell in love every day with someone else, our emotions riding the wind. It was a storybook world in which every morning began with the words, Once upon a time . . .
"I pray, my little dears, that it will be that way for you two as well. Come, let me hug you," she said, holding her arms out to us. We buried ourselves against her breasts and felt her heart beating with joy. In those days it seemed that nothing ugly or cruel could touch us.
"Good-bye, Mamma," I finally said. "Good-bye, Eugenia. I'll never stop missing you and loving you."
The wind lifted my hair and the rain became heavier. I had to turn away and hurry back to the house. The party had really gotten into full swing. All of my husband's friends were loud and rowdy, swinging their women around wildly as they danced.
"Where were you?" Bill asked when he spotted me in the doorway.
"I went out to say good-bye to Mamma and Eugenia."
"Who's Eugenia?"
"My little sister who died."
"Another little sister? Well if she's dead, how'd you say good-bye to her?" he asked. He had already consumed a great deal of alcohol and swayed when he spoke.
"I went to the graveyard," I said dryly.
"Graveyards ain't no place for a new bride," he muttered. "Come on. Let's show these people how to do a jig." Before I could refuse, he seized my arm and pulled me onto the dance floor. Those who were dancing stopped to make a larger space for us. Bill swung me around awkwardly. I tried to look as graceful as I could, but he tripped over his own feet and fell, bringing me down on him. All of his friends thought it was hilarious, but I couldn't have been more embarrassed. As soon as I was able to stand, I ran out and up to my room. I changed out of my wedding dress and put on traveling clothes. All my things had been packed and the trunks were set near the door.
A little more than an hour later, Charles came up and knocked.
"Mr. Cutler told me to get your things into his automobile, Miss Lillian," he said with a tone of apology. "He told me to tell you to come down." I nodded, sucked in my breath, and started out. Most of the guests were still there, waiting to say good-bye and wish us luck. Bill was flopped on a sofa, his tie off, his shirt collar open. He looked all flushed, but got to his feet as soon as I appeared.
"Here she is!" he announced. "My new bride. Well, we're off to the honeymoon. I know some of you would like to come along," he added, and his friends laughed. "But there ain't room but for two in our bed."
"Wait and see," someone yelled. There was more laughter. All of his friends gathered around him to pat him on the back and shake his hand one last time.
Papa, who had consumed far too much alcohol, was collapsed in a chair, his head to one side.
"Ready?" Bill asked.
"No, but I'll go," I said. He laughed at that and started to scoop his arm under mine when he remembered something.
"Hold on," he said and produced Papa's land title to The Meadows, the document he had won at cards. He sauntered over to him and shook his shoulders.
"Wha . . . what?" Papa said, his eyes flickering open.
"Here you go, Pappy," Bill said, and shoved the document into Papa's hands. Papa gazed at it dumbly for a moment and then looked up at me. I shifted my eyes and gazed at Emily who stood off with some of our relatives, sipping from a cup of tea. Her eyes met mine and for a moment, I thought there was an expression of pity and compassion in her face.
"Let's go, Mrs. Cutler," Bill said. The crowd followed us to the door where Vera waited with Charlotte in her arms and Luther at her side. I paused to hold Charlotte one last time and kiss her cheek. She looked at me strangely, beginning to sense the finality of this parting. Her eyes grew small and troubled and her tiny lips quivered.
"Lil," she said when I returned her to Vera's arms. "Lil."
"Good-bye, Vera."
"God bless," Vera said, swallowing her tears quickly. I brushed Luther's hair and kissed him on the forehead, and then I followed my new husband out the door of The Meadows. Charles had everything packed in the car and Bill's rowdy friends were cheering behind us in the doorway.
"Good-bye, Miss Lillian. Good luck," Charles said.
"She don't need luck no more," Bill said. "She got me."
"We all need some luck," Charles insisted. He helped me into the car and closed the door as Bill got in and behind the steering wheel. As soon as the car was started, Bill shifted and began to drive over the bumpy driveway.
I looked back. Vera was in the doorway now, still holding Charlotte, with Luther at her side, clinging to her skirt. She waved.
Good-bye, I mouthed. I said my good-byes to a different home, a different Meadows, the one I remembered and cherished dearly. The Meadows I said farewell to was a plantation full of light and life.
My farewell was to the sound of song birds, the flutter of chimney swallows, the chatter of blue jays and mockingbirds, the joy of seeing them flit from one branch to another. My farewell was to a clean, bright plantation house with windows that glittered and columns that stood tall and proud in the Southern sunlight, a house with a heritage and a history, whose walls still reverberated with the voices of dozens of servants. My farewell was to white-starred young magnolia trees, to wisteria tumbling over the verandas, to whitewashed brick and pink crepe myrtle bushes, to rolling green lawns with sparkling fountains in which birds bathed and dipped their feathers. My farewell trailed down a drive lined with full, thick oak trees. My farewell was to Henry singing as he worked, to Louella hanging out the sweet smelling wash, to Eugenia waving from her window, to Mamma looking up from one of her romance novels, her face still flushed because of something she had read.
And my farewell was to a little girl running excitedly up the drive, her hand clutching a school paper covered with gold stars, her voice crying out with such joy and excitement she thought she would burst
"What are you crying about?" Bill demanded.
"Nothing," I said quickly.
"This should be the happiest day of your life, Lillian. You're married to a handsome, young Southern gentleman on the rise. I'm rescuing you. That's what I'm doing," he bragged.
I wiped my cheeks and turned as we continued to bounce down the driveway.
"Why did you want to marry me anyway?" I asked.
"Why? Lillian," he said, "you're the first woman I met I wanted but couldn't get to want me. I knew right off you was something special and Bill Cutler ain't one to pass over something special. And besides, everyone's been telling me it's time I took a wife. Cutler's Cove caters to a family clientele. You will soon be part of it."
"You know I don't love you," I said. "You know why I married you."
He shrugged.
"That's fine. You'll start loving me once I start making love to you," he promised. "Then you'll realize just how lucky you are.
"In fact," he said, as we started the turn away from The Meadows, "I've decided we should stop along the way and not put off your good fortune any longer than we have to. Instead of spending our honeymoon night at Cutler's Cove, we'll spend it at a bed and breakfast I know just an hour and a half from here. How's that sound?"
"Horrible," I muttered.
He roared. "Just like breaking a wild stallion," he declared. "I'm going to enjoy this."
We rolled on and I looked back onl
y once more when we came to the path that used to take me and Niles to the magic pond. How I wished I could have paused and dipped my hands into the wonderful water and wished myself someplace else.
But magic only happens when you're with people you love, I thought. It would be a long time before I would ever see or feel it again, and that, more than anything else, made me feel lost and alone.
Had I married a man I loved and who I was sure loved me, the Dew Drop Inn—the quaint hotel Bill had found for our wedding night—would have been delightful and romantic to me. It was a two-story building with periwinkle blue shutters and milk-white clapboard siding, nestled just off the highway in a pocket of oak and hickory trees. The building had bay windows and spindle porch supports. Our upstairs room opened to a second-story landing that provided a wide view of the countryside across the way. Down-stairs there was a large parlor with well-preserved colonial furnishings and scenic oil paintings above the fieldstone fireplace and on the walls in the hallway and large dining room as well.
The Dobbs, the owners, were an elderly couple who Bill had obviously gotten to know on his way to The Meadows when he planned out our itinerary. They knew he would be returning with his new bride. Mr. Dobbs was a tall, lean man with two patches of gray, steel-wool-like hair on the sides of his shiny bald head which was peppered with dark age spots. He had small light-brown eyes, and a long, narrow nose that dipped over his thin mouth. Because of his height and thinness, as well as his facial features, he reminded me of a scarecrow. He had large hands with long fingers and continually washed his palms against each other nervously as he spoke. His wife, also tall, but much stouter with shoulders like a lumber jack and a heavy hard-looking bosom, stood aside, nodding after everything her husband said.
Cutler 5 - Darkest Hour Page 31
