Daniel rubbed his chin. “I’m no expert on women, as I think you’ve guessed.” He nodded toward the hatch. “If I had my druthers I’d be doing something other than yakking with you.”
Sean smiled. “I wouldn’t blame you. I’m a lousy second choice.”
“I assume Sara was your late wife.” Daniel rocked back on the metal folding chair. “And you’re feeling guilty about having an, um, emotional moment with another woman.”
Sean rubbed his hands together. “I guess. I don’t know. I don’t feel right.”
“Well, I’m no psychologist. And definitely not a Guild employee or a Mercy man,” Daniel started, “But I don’t think I need to be to tell you if you’re feeling like this about Catherine, then it’s a bit deeper than only a casual hookup or a business arrangement.”
“I never thought—” Sean stopped, trying to make sense of the emotions spinning through his mind. “I don’t want to be unfaithful.”
“To who?”
“To Sara.” He held up his left hand and wriggled his empty ring finger. “Just because it’s not there doesn’t mean it’s not present in my mind.”
“I hear you.” Daniel rocked back, and the chair’s legs let out a pained squeak. “I can’t give you advice since I’ve never been married.” A sly grin appeared. “But not for a lack of offers.”
Sean chuckled.
“Still.” Daniel scratched his chin. “I understand your dedication. But I guess you’ve got to ask yourself what she would want for you, given the way things are now, not the way things were.”
“I don’t know.” It was an honest answer. “I have no idea what she’d say to me.”
“You’ve got to figure that out first and where you’re going with this.” Daniel rocked back on the chair again. “Preferably before we get to the Justice base.”
Sean stood up. “What’s your honest opinion? Are we going to make it?”
“I’m going to do my best to make it so.” He grinned. “If it gives me a few hours more in Sam’s hammock, I’ll take all these damned killers on alone.”
Sean returned the smile. “Wonder what she would say to that.”
“Hopefully ‘yes sir, yes sir.’” Daniel snickered. “Tell her I said that and I’ll rip your throat out.”
Sean held up his hands. “If there’s one thing a Mercy man can do, it’s keep secrets.” He eyed Daniel. “Like, say—did April give you any good tips? Or just toys?”
The marshal glanced around the landing bay before reaching into his pocket. He withdrew a long silk scarf with brilliant purples and pinks swirling over the delicate fabric.
“I got some advice on what to do with this,” he whispered, beginning to blush. “I think she’ll like it.”
“I think she will. April tends to give good—” he paused, seeing the warning look on Daniel’s face, “—advice.”
Daniel tucked the scarf back into his pocket. “Keep it to yourself, please. Don’t want to spoil the surprise.”
“Never heard or saw a thing.” Sean made a motion of zipping his mouth shut. “I’ll leave you to your plans.” He paused. “Just make sure you don’t leave marks. April or someone will see that, comment and you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Daniel’s laugh followed him to the hatch leading back to the corridor and his cabin.
Chapter Fifteen
Catherine finished moving the table back into the center of the receiving room. It was heavier than it had looked when April kicked it aside.
She looked upward. “Belle?”
“Yes?”
“Is there any way I can get another outfit? Or have this one cleaned before I get out of the shower?” She plucked at the damp T-shirt. The jeans hadn’t torn but she could feel the sweat trickling down her spine, creating an awful itch at the base.
“Jenny will be able to wash your current attire but not for a few more hours. She is currently busy working on my defense systems.” The AI sounded cheerful. “Her ideas are quite interesting.”
“Ah. Can you call Kendra for me?” Catherine resisted the urge to pull the sweaty top off. She didn’t like walking around half-naked, even in her own cabin. “Or tell her I need more clothing.”
“Message delivered,” Belle chimed a few seconds later. “Shall I turn the shower on for you?”
“No, thank you.” She adjusted the receiving table a fraction to one side. “What’s our timeframe to get close enough for those UNS ships to reach us?”
“Three days. They have increased their speed but our diversion through the debris field has added on some time. They are attempting to make up the loss through various means.”
Catherine sighed. “Thank you.”
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. Catherine walked over and opened it.
Kendra smiled as she walked in, carrying a small bundle. She placed it on the table.
“I’m sorry for not thinking of giving you more supplies. I heard you had a session with April—that, itself, would have justified more clothing.” She wrinkled her nose, seeing the sweat-stained shirt Catherine wore. “She’s a tough taskmaster.”
“Yes, but a good teacher.” Catherine picked through the pile. Another pair of jeans, a black T-shirt, socks and a nice set of slip-on sneakers in addition to plain underwear and a sports bra.
She smiled at the idea of no longer running around barefoot. It was interesting how the simplest things could make a difference.
“I found her training to be quite interesting.” She didn’t mention Sean.
“We all do. Her specialty isn’t a common one among Guild members and many consider it a privilege to work with her.” Kendra paused. “I’ll understand and approve if you wish to file a complaint.”
Catherine looked up. “What? Against April? But she—”
“Against Sean. The Guild is very strict on these matters. If you feel you were misled in any way or tricked—”
“No. No.” She frowned. “Tricked?”
Kendra stood by the table. “Do you think Sean tricked you into bed?”
Catherine busied herself with refolding the already-impeccably folded shirt and jeans. This wasn’t a conversation she’d wanted to have with anyone, much less the mother hen of the Bonnie Belle.
“Did he?” Kendra pressed.
“That’s none of your business.” Her chest burned and not only from April’s tough workout.
“It is if you believe he was participating as a Guild representative.” Kendra circled the table, coming around to stand next to her. “If he tricked you into bed with the idea of charging you for services you did not agree to and did not want, then it’s a problem. But if you were doing it of your own volition, ‘off the books’ as we’d call it, there’s no complaint, no blame to be laid.”
The memories flooded back, Sean working his way down her body with that talented tongue, of her returning the favor and watching his eyes roll back as he gasped and moaned—
Kendra smiled. “I guess the question is if you believe his emotions to be real or manufactured.” She sat down and placed her hands on the table. “You see, no matter how hard we train and practice and try to seem perfect, there are some things we can’t fake.” She chuckled. “An orgasm, those are easy to do. For both sexes.”
Catherine seated herself beside the courtesan, mind spinning.
Kendra continued. “When you pay for a fantasy you know it’s exactly that. A fantasy. You know at the end of the hour we’ll kiss you on the forehead and shuffle you out the door with pleasant memories and wish you all the best.” She laughed again. “It’s a job and we both know it. You get fucked and we take your money.”
Catherine flinched at the rough wording.
“We can put all the fancy clothing on and do the dance and whisper the right
words but that’s what it comes down to.” Kendra brushed a wrinkle out of the slender fabric in her lap. “I know we say we provide other services and more often than not we’re called upon for those services. I enjoy that time, playing a good game of chess or Go and giving pleasure in that way. Some men need that intellectual challenge and forego the physical act of sex to work their minds, not their bodies. Some of them are married and want to stay loyal but want some pleasant company. Some are already in a relationship with someone on the base but don’t want to appear out of sorts.” She shrugged. “Peer pressure is a powerful motive for some who come just to be seen going into our cabins. They take a cup of coffee, chat for an hour and leave with their reputations intact.”
Catherine picked at a loose thread on the sleeve of her shirt. This was so far out of her usual reality she had no idea what to say.
“But we know our limits. We know any emotional connection is forbidden, other than that of a fellow courtesan seeking comfort and advice.” Her gaze narrowed. “We know when someone’s crossing that line and we know when it shouldn’t happen. And if it does happen there’s procedures to deal with it. Specific rules and regulations on how not to make it a shitstorm in the media.” She cocked her head to one side.
Catherine drew a shallow breath. Now she was in familiar territory. “My husband—”
“Your ex-husband was and is an ass. Along with whatever-her-name was. They both knew better and she should have gotten him to buy her contract out the first time they knew it was more than a roll in the hay. The Guild has exit strategies and they could have gotten clear of all the scandal and speculation long before it hit the fan.” Kendra looked at her. “No major loss there in my opinion. I’d give it five years, maybe less, before he moves onto another one. If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.”
Catherine couldn’t stop a giggle from escaping despite the painful memories.
“Exactly. There’s the thrill of conquest and the reality of having that shrieking bitch in his bed every morning demanding the same quality of life she got on a Mercy ship. I doubt he’s giving it to her.” She chuckled. “Along with much else.”
“I never thought about it like that,” Catherine said. “It’s quite a different take on the situation.”
“That’s what I like to do. Look at things from all angles. So, I guess what I’m asking you is—” Kendra leaned in, almost nose-to-nose with her. “Do you think Sean made love to you or just screwed you?”
* * *
He dreamed of Sara.
It was before Jacob, not long after they’d married. She wore her favorite black sweater and jeans, her long blonde hair in a loose braid hanging over one shoulder.
She looked more beautiful than ever.
He looked down at his dark green sweater, the one he’d burned when he’d packed up to leave Vegas Four. The coarse wool rubbed against his bare skin.
“Sara—” He stopped, not knowing what to say.
She took his hand and led him down by the river where the tall razor trees poked holes in the sky. It was a familiar spot where they’d sit on the rocks and watch the small mushroomlike creatures float down the river toward the fishing nets waiting to catch and sell them for dinner.
“I know. You’re in love,” she announced. Her bright blue eyes sparkled. “That’s wonderful.”
“With you,” Sean whispered. “Always with you.”
She pulled him down onto the flat wide stones and knelt beside him. “Of course, silly. Always with me.” Her tiny hands tugged his larger ones up to her face. “I’ll love you forever.”
“You’re—” He didn’t want to say the words, didn’t want to wake up. He’d never had such a conscious dream before and didn’t know how to react.
“Dead? Yes.” She kissed the backs of his hands. “But you’re not.”
He was afraid to move, to speak.
“You’ll never forget me and I love you for that. But it’s okay to love someone else.” She stroked his cheek. “I want you to love and be loved. You deserve that.”
“No I don’t,” he protested. “I failed you and Jacob.”
“And how did you do that?” She shook her head. “You were a good husband and father, you did the best for us. The plague, that wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have known—”
“How?” Her voice rose. “How could you have known? No one knew, no one had any clue it was going to be that bad.”
“I could have gotten us offworld before the blockade, I could have—” He fell silent, watching her shake her head.
“Sean, it wasn’t your fault. None of this was. And it’s time you moved on with your life.” She waved a hand at the scenery around them. “This, this doesn’t exist anymore. We burned the trees to keep the fire pits going. We killed the jellyfish because we thought they carried the plague. Vegas Four is a gutted, barren planet.” She looked at him. “Vegas Four is not what you are. Don’t let it define you for the rest of your life. You joined the Guild because you wanted to get away from the pain, because you wanted rules that would forbid you from connecting with someone on more than a superficial level.”
He couldn’t deny it because it was the truth.
She stroked his cheek. “But that’s not who you are, Sean. You were an actor, a worker, my lover and Jacob’s father.” Sara smiled. “You loved me fiercely and fought for me, for us, to the bitter end. It’s time for you to be that strong again. Be that man again.” She cupped his chin. “Love that way again. Vegas Four is not what you are. Don’t let it define you for the rest of your life. It’s time to stop being afraid.”
The tears streamed down his face as he watched her turn transparent, along with the rest of the scenery around them. The razor trees faded and the stones under him turned invisible. It was as if someone had turned off the lights, the darkness creeping up and devouring his memories.
“Don’t leave me,” Sean whispered. The grip on his hand stayed strong even though she had almost vanished.
“I’ll never leave you.” The faint smile burned into his mind’s eye. “I’ll always be here, waiting for you.” Her giggle came to him from a distance. “Make her laugh, Sean. I loved it when you made me laugh.”
* * *
Right after Kendra left Catherine had showered and made up the bed with fresh sheets.
A bare mattress might be a powerful way to make a point but she wasn’t going to sleep on just that. She’d spread the quilt across the bed and fluffed up the pillows, trying not to think about Sean.
Which was impossible. The more she tried not to think about him the more the dark-haired Mercy man came to the forefront of her mind.
She wasn’t looking for a new love. She wasn’t hunting for someone to take into her bed, into her life.
All she’d wanted was justice.
It’d seemed so easy the way the prosecutors had laid it out in front of her. Travel to the Justice base quietly, testify and supply the incriminating documents and watch the bad guys get fined with maybe a few of the bastards going to jail. She’d be a heroine, hailed by thousands for exposing Global Transport’s greedy transgressions.
Instead, she’d found herself responsible for the death of one ship’s crew, maybe two if the attackers had their way.
This was too much to think about. So much had happened, was going to happen, could happen to her and the crew of the Bonnie Belle.
Catherine bit down on her cheek. The pain was a welcome shock to banish the nagging speaker in her mind.
“Belle, please continue the A Thousand Nights marathon.”
Maybe a few hours with Diego would help wipe the clouds from her mind.
The screen leaped to life and the suave male star beamed at her. Catherine puffed up a pillow under her head and took a deep breath.
She hoped she’d
be able to avoid thinking about Sean for a few hours.
She wasn’t sure if even Diego could make it happen.
* * *
“But how can you say that?” Diego sighed dramatically. “How?” He pounded his chest. “Monica, you deserve better than me.”
Catherine looked up from the bedspread, unsure how much she’d missed.
She’d been too caught up in her own thoughts to stay focused on the story.
Maybe April was right.
Maybe she had to think outside the box.
Maybe it applied to more than only sparring.
The alarm siren shocked her into full awareness. She tamped down the panic, forcing it into a small mental box, which she locked.
She couldn’t afford to be that woman again.
“We are under attack,” Belle intoned before Catherine could speak. “Please stay in your cabin.”
Diego continued to sweep across the screen, his attention focused on yet another romantic conquest.
Catherine rolled out of bed and stood there, unsure of what to do. She didn’t want to sit here and wait to die.
“Let me get to Sean.” The words came out of her mouth before her mind had time to stop them.
“Negative. You need to stay in your cabin. Captain’s orders.”
Catherine went to the front door and tugged on the handle.
Locked.
Belle wasn’t going to let them get together twice. Whatever the danger was this time, there was no maneuver room for her to get to Sean.
It had to be bad.
She sat down at the receiving table and tried to control her breathing, pull the anxiety attack away from the edge. It wouldn’t do to make herself a casualty of her own idiotic emotions. She couldn’t help herself or anyone else by panicking.
Everything was beyond her control.
The screen came alive with his image. “Catherine?” “Sean.” She exhaled his name like a prayer.
He looked like hell, like he’d been crying.
“Are you okay?”
She chuckled. “Are you okay? You look awful.”
In the Void Page 23
