by D C Little
Lexi nodded. “I wanted to die along with them, but I wasn’t allowed to.”
“I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
“Thank you, but I would rather not. It’s too much.” She glanced at the boys, still in the same position. “Ryan reminds me a lot of my son. His eyes especially. If I’m given another chance through him, you can bet I won’t allow anything to happen like before.”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, Lexi, but you know that it wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame their death on yourself.”
“You don’t know that,” Lexi said, ending the conversation as she moved on to the next task.
A shudder went through Kris. Lexi was right. She didn’t know the horrors her friend had gone through.
Gratitude filled her. As scary as her life had been since the day the world changed, Blake had sheltered them from most of it. Did she show him her gratitude enough? Probably not. She fought his ways too much, but he always kept them safe.
With one lingering look at Tucker, she rose to check on Mercy who took her afternoon nap where Blake had recently been resting. Then she slipped outside to check on the men. Her heart tugged, thinking of her husband, and she needed to make sure he was okay.
The shovel they had found in the cabin leaned against the big oak tree where they had dug the grave. Blake came carrying an armload of rocks and dumped them on the pile next to the grave.
“Everyone okay?” he asked, taking a step toward her.
She leaned into him, and he wrapped his arms around her. “I’m glad you’re here.”
His arms squeezed her tighter, and she felt his hot breath on the top of her head. “Me, too. That was not an easy choice you had to make.”
“I didn’t want to upset you or leave you in fear.”
“I know,” he said and puffed out a breath into her hair. “You had no idea I would be back that early either, and time was of an essence, even if void in the end.”
“He was so scared, and to still not make it in time...” Kris couldn’t bear the pain of thinking what Ryan was going through. “Why were you back so quickly? You said something about cattle.”
“Yeah, remember the herds that ran through this area every summer?”
“Of course, oh...” she said, pushing away to look at him. “How many did you find?”
“Enough. David and Brent stayed with them. We have to wait until the snow melts before we can bring them to camp.”
“You mean we’re going to raise them?”
“Why not? A consistent source of meat, milk, and more. How could we pass up the opportunity?”
Kris nodded, her mind swirling with the hows and whats. Yet, her mouth watered at the idea of a juicy hamburger.
“You’re a genius, my love.”
He bent down and took her lips with his own, sending a rush through her. This is what she needed, to know that they were okay, that her decision hadn’t put a barrier between them.
When Mercy woke up, Kris took her and Tucker out so Lexi could talk with Ryan alone. It was time for the burial, but the boy didn’t want to let go. Who could blame him? He had been silent up to the point of them starting to wrap his dad to carry him out to the grave.
At that point he had broken down, hugging his father’s body and weeping.
The pain inside Kris’s chest was nothing compared to Ryan’s heartache, and yet it hurt so much.
“Sad, Mama, sad,” Mercy touched her cheek.
“Yes, Mommy is sad.”
“When did she start all these words?” Blake asked, taking Mercy from her and holding her up.
“Dada, home, Dada, home,” Mercy squealed.
“My home is with you, sweet girl,” he said and kissed the tip of her nose. “When did she start that?”
“Since we started our journey here.”
“Did you know your daddy was coming home?” he asked, rubbing noses with her.
“She did,” Tucker said. “I was too caught up in the adventure to think about what she was saying, but she knew.”
“If only you guys could have waited,” Blake said.
“But, Dad. If we had, then Ryan wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye to his dad.”
“You’re right, Champ. It all worked out the way it was supposed to.” His hand fell to his son’s shoulder. “I’m just glad I’m with you all now.”
“Me, too, Dad.”
“Me, too.” Kris joined the family hug, hoping that one day Ryan could feel such a connection again, with Lexi and with the community.
~10~
Blake’s pack may be heavier since he added most of Kris’s gear to his, but he felt lighter going back to camp with his family next to him. He knew he would have to leave them again soon to check on the cattle, and it ate away at him, almost to the point he thought he had heartburn.
It hadn’t been easy leaving the cabin. After much private discussion, they decided to send out a team to retrieve the supplies later. There were too many useful tools and supplies to leave them. With Ryan’s fragile state, they decided not to ransack the cabin during this trip.
Blake worried about Ryan. He hadn’t said a word the entire time they did the burial ceremony until the end. Then he knelt down next to his father in the shallow grave and said, “You deserve more than this. You were the best dad. I will never forget what you have taught me, and I’m so sorry I was too late.”
Lexi had consoled him, reminding Ryan that his dad had known he was dying before he sent him to find the camp. Yet, the boy hadn’t spoken a word more. He didn’t speak the rest of that day, nor during their last night at the cabin. This morning he was still silent as they left what had been his home for who knows how long.
Blake wondered when, or if, he would speak again.
Ryan took long strides on his skis. He would go ahead of them and wait for them to almost catch up, then take off again. Each time they came close, Blake tried to get a word in before the boy took off again, but with no luck.
“Hey Dad,” Tucker said as he ran in his snowshoes up to him. “Do you think we can make skis like Ryan has?”
“I am banking on it.”
“Awesome! I can’t wait to be as good as Ryan on them. Look at how fast he is!” Tucker slid his snowshoes, pretending they were skis.
“He is good. I agree.” Blake watched the boy stop at the top of the next rise. He would call a break so he could get a good look at the skis and hopefully get Ryan talking.
Grief did strange things to the mind. Blake knew that. When he lost his mom, the world became twisted and awful. He couldn’t imagine having lost both parents. His dad may not have been a stellar father, but he was there.
He would try to bring it up as time went on. Maybe sharing the things he had done to keep his mind from the dark twisting hole would help Ryan, too.
Before they even got close to the next rise, Blake pushed on and called out to Ryan.
“Hold up, Ryan. We are going to take a break.” Blake’s voice traveled far and he could see the slight nod that Ryan gave him.
Kris and Mercy could use a rest anyway. He turned toward his wife. His daughter bounced in the wrap, babbling and reaching out for him. Once they reached him, he bent down and kissed her nose.
“Good idea?” he asked.
“Yes, thank you.” Kris reached for his hand.
They traveled up the hill hand-in-hand. Even covered in a mitten, her warmth filled his palm. The heat traveled up his arm and into his heart. He felt like he could take on the world with her by his side.
“Thank you for waiting,” Blake said to Ryan as they reached him.
Ryan had taken off his skis and sat on them, staring off across the snow blanketed land.
“It’s pretty amazing up here, isn’t it?”
Ryan nodded.
“Are you from the city?”
The boy nodded again. He tried to remember some of the tricks in getting people to talk. It hadn’t been that long since he had to interrogate peo
ple, but it seemed a lifetime ago. Plus, those techniques were not ones he wanted to use on a recently orphaned boy.
“May I see your skis?” he asked.
The boy looked around before getting up and handing a ski to Blake.
Blake noticed everyone watching them, though they pretended like they weren’t. Kris fed Mercy. Tucker fiddled with a strap on his snowshoe. Lexi and Butler pulled out snacks. Yet, each one of them had an ear turned toward him and Ryan.
“I used to backcountry ski a lot.” Blake took the ski and ran his fingers down the length of the smooth wood. “I have never seen a ski made out of wood before.”
Blake touched the pulled up tip, perfect to go over mounds of snow. He squeezed the thicker middle, noting how the boot would be strapped down. The thickness allowed for a hole to be drilled through where the leather binding attached.
“Wow, this is ingenious.”
Blake saw how the loop went through and the binding allowed for the boot to be firmly attached to the ski, yet have the flexibility of the heel to rise, like on his backcountry skis. These materials were all-natural, and it made his mind work in overdrive. They could outfit an entire hunting party in skis.
“Whoever made this was a master craftsman. He must have spent months working it, but I wonder how he got it so smooth, and the bend so perfect. I bet it was made before the world went dark.”
Ryan shook his head.
“It was made after? He must have used common tools though, how else could he have drilled this hole.”
“My dad,” Ryan started.
Blake startled, but he kept his face passive and his attention on the ski.
“Your dad made this? With regular tools?”
“We didn’t have many at the cabin. You saw.”
“Yeah, I guess I did. So how did he get this hole and without splitting the wood?”
“It took lots of time, but he used an antler from a deer we killed.”
“Oh, I hadn’t heard guns.”
“We’re bow hunters.” Ryan stood up a little taller.
“So are we!” Tucker came over. “I still have a little bow, but my arms are almost long enough for my mom’s, and then I can hunt something more than squirrels and rabbits.”
“You can hunt?” Ryan asked Tucker.
“Yeah, why not? I’m not that little. I’m seven, you know. I’ll be eight this summer. My sister will be one, and we are going to make her a bow, too.”
“Babies can’t use bows,” Ryan scoffed.
“Maybe not yet, but you’ll see. She’ll be a great hunter one day.”
“With you teaching her, Champ, how could she not be?” Blake smiled at his son.
“You could help me teach her, Ryan,” Tucker said.
“You would want me to help you?”
“Of course! We’re going to be great friends. Maybe even almost like brothers. Dad calls Butler his brother sometimes and Arland, too.”
“I’ve never had a brother or a sister.” Ryan looked back down at his hands.
Blake worried they would lose him again.
“Me neither, which is probably why my friends mean so much to me.” Blake had never thought about that, but it made sense to him. He almost opened his mouth to talk about what happened after his mom died, but he clamped it shut. Too much, too soon.
“That would be nice, I think,” Ryan nodded at Tucker. “Your sister’s name is Mercy, right?”
“Yep.”
“Why did you guys name her Mercy?”
“Well, because,” Kris said from where she nursed the baby. “God granted us mercy in several ways. And in a way, Mercy here, saved our lives. She brought us to Arland’s camp, and without them...well, I’m not sure what would have happened.”
Blake shuddered. Too many times he had pondered what would have happened if Arland hadn’t brought Laurie right away as he had. It made him nauseous to even think about it.
Lexi and Butler joined them, handing out jerky and freeze-dried fruit.
Ryan saw the fruit and his eyes lit up. Unlike a normal young boy, he put the dried strawberry in his mouth and closed his eyes. His mouth moved, but he didn’t swallow for what felt like a very long time.
“How long has it been since you’ve had fruit?”
Ryan opened his eyes and his expression darkened. “Since we left the city and the rule of the coalition.”
“Which coalition were you under.”
“The Central.”
Butler snapped to attention and stared at the boy. “What was it like there when you left?”
“Horrible. They...my mom died. She made my dad promise to take me away. They were taking boys and forcing them to be in the coalition.”
“That’s awful,” Lexi said, sitting closer to Ryan.
“What about the families that had men in the coalition? Were they being treated well?” Butler sat forward, his hands white-knuckled, squeezing his jerky to bits.
“No one was treated well. And if you didn’t have a member in the coalition, you only got scraps of food.”
“Except for the families whose men died in the coalition, right?” Butler leaned toward the boy.
“Butler...” Lexi touched Butler’s shoulder.
Blake understood Butler’s need to know more. That was his family. If it were him, he would hardly be able to contain himself until the boy answered every question he had. Yet, Ryan’s eyes were wide, and he sunk in against Lexi.
“I need to know,” Butler almost shook.
“Hey,” Blake said to his friend, offering him a hand up. “Why don’t we scout ahead a bit?”
“But, I...” Butler shook his head. He glanced at Ryan once more before taking Blake’s hand and pulling up. “Sure. Let’s scout.”
His voice showed his disappointment, but surely his friend saw the fear in the boy’s eyes. No one wanted to terrorize a kid, much less one who had just lost everything and everyone he knew.
****
They were almost back to camp. Kris recognized the landscape and knew the next valley would be their home. They had only been gone a couple of days, but it felt like so much had happened in that time.
Tucker’s endurance amazed her. Both on the way there and back, he never seemed to tire or complain, even though he hadn’t traveled much distance in the last couple of months. Maybe it was more than stamina, but a mental fortitude. That was something he had always had.
She watched Ryan hesitate at the rise that overlooked the camp. Did he have a similar fortitude? She hoped so, for he would need it in the coming weeks. The shock would eventually wear off, then the real grief would set in.
Tucker ran up to Ryan, reaching him long before anyone else. She could see his shoulders set back in pride, and his mouth moving a mile a minute. Hopefully, Ryan didn’t mind that chatter, because Tucker had attached himself to the boy.
Lexi came up next to her and turned to her with a little smile.
“It’s going to be different having a child to care for again,” she said.
“Will it be difficult for you? With losing your own son and all?”
Lexi shrugged. “I think, in an odd way, it’s going to be healing. I hope it is for Ryan, too.”
“It will be rough on him.” Blake came up next to them. “When I lost my mom, something died inside of me. Nothing made sense anymore.”
Kris watched her husband, amazed at him being so forthcoming with his emotions. He had shifted these last few months, and she thought she liked it.
“I understand. I lost both of my parents when I was young.”
“Both?” Kris asked, wondering how Lexi kept these life-altering things to herself.
“Yeah,” she said.
Lexi had been through so much heartache. Losing her parents and then losing her son and husband, it was too much for anyone to have to bear.
“I’m sorry,” Kris said, pulling her hand off her sleeping daughter to squeeze Lexi’s.
“Thanks. It was rough, but it made me stronger
. Without having learned those coping skills, there’s no way I would have lived through...” She broke off and cleared her throat. “I’m going to push ahead to help Ryan feel more comfortable.”
Kris watched her friend increase her speed and put distance between them, as if she tried to put distance between her and the pain of her losses.
“Poor woman,” Kris whispered.
“Yeah,” Blake said, reaching for her hand.
She loved that he was being more open and holding her hand and looking at her the way he did. It made her happy they would be back in their own lodge, with only the four of them.
“It will be good for both of them to have each other. Her life experiences will help her know how to be patient with Ryan and teach him to cope with his own losses,” Kris said quietly.
“I agree,” Blake said as they got closer to the group.
As they crested the rise, the camp lay out below them. A sigh traveled through her, relaxing her tense muscles. Mercy stirred in the wrap as if she too knew they were home. Arland stood at the main fire, and when someone pointed toward them, he looked up, a smile spreading across his face as he raised his hand in greeting.
“You will be welcomed in the camp, Ryan.” Lexi wrapped an arm around his narrow shoulders.
“There are other kids, too.” Tucker took Ryan’s hand in his. “But, I am going to be your best friend.”
Ryan looked down at Tucker. Kris knew by the time kids reached Ryan’s age, they didn’t hold hands, but he didn’t pull his hand away. Instead, he swallowed and nodded his head.
“Which one will be where I’m staying?”
“You’ll be with me.” Lexi pointed. “That one, second row in from the left. Right now we will be sharing it with Butler and Pastor Rob, but we are in the process of building individual ones.”
“Mine is almost done,” Butler said. “You are both welcome in it.” He shifted his feet. “I could even stay with the pastor so you guys could have your space, too.”
Ryan looked between the two of them.
“You aren’t...I thought you were married.”
“No,” Lexi said, tearing her eyes away. Kris thought she saw sadness in them before she put her gaze on the camp below.
