Leaving The Pieces Behind

by R. M. Demeester

  “I love you more than you’ll ever know, Serenity.” There was a sudden crack in her voice. “I better call Harmony. Talk to you again soon.”

  Click.

  And before I was able to say another word, the line went dead.

  I gnawed at my fingernail until it bled. Whenever I talked to Mom, old memories resurfaced. I learned at an early age to bury my resentment and accept life for what it was, but it always reared its ugly head sooner or later. The first time we were taken from Mom we had spent a year-and-a-half in foster care. It was a confusing time. Three different homes, three different families with zero people who wanted me. I remembered a few of my fellow foster mates, but for the most part, I blocked nearly everything else. I always just wanted to be back home with my family. Mom took every opportunity to get us back. She attended every supervised visit with a smile on her face. But even back then, I knew she was hurting. How could she not? We weren’t with her, and we were her life.

  The tears flowed down my cheeks; I couldn’t keep them in. She used to tell me she loved me every day. Then the day she got us back, we moved to a little mobile home in a neighboring town. It was a new beginning, but it didn’t last. Nothing ever lasted. Twenty-two months later, her sadness took over and...

  I stood, unable to think about it any longer. It was over. I couldn’t change it, but why couldn’t my brain leave it alone? Why couldn’t I move on? I paced the room, holding the phone tightly to my chest. My mood dampened with despair, and a gloominess threatened to swallow me whole.

  My phone vibrated. I looked down to see William’s text floating on the screen.

  No ideas either?

  I had forgotten I was in the middle of making plans with William. I looked at the message. The big question crossed my mind again. Decisions, decisions. Should I ask if we should hang out at his place? I knew he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, but Crystal’s words still rang in my mind. William was a good-looking man. He was almost too good to be true, and so far he’d proven to be a good match for me. He admitted to liking me.

  He liked me.

  What about your place? I typed. I hung my finger over the send button and read the message a couple of times, debating whether I should just get it over with.

  I heard a knock on the door. Great, another interruption. Not wanting to drag it out and have him wondering, I pressed send.

  I heard the knocking again. “Serenity?”

  I sighed. “What do you want, Sophia?” Why did she have to be home?

  “Have you seen my hairspray?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No!” That girl loses things faster than she can purchase them, I thought.

  She opened the door and poked her head through. “Are you sure?”

  I tried not to roll my eyes again. “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “So,” she said. “Crystal met your new boyfriend, aye?”

  I swallowed hard, annoyed. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Then what is he?”

  “A friend. And if you don’t mind, I was busy making plans.”

  She was the one to roll her eyes this time. “Whatever. Just let me know if you find my hairspray. I can never find anything in this house.”

  “Will do.”

  When she let herself out, I returned to my conversation only to find that there was no reply. Maybe William was thinking or got busy suddenly. Or maybe I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. I had a horrible feeling that I had made him uncomfortable.

  Oh, he finally responded fifteen minutes later.

  I just thought maybe we could watch a movie or something. Just for a change of scenery, I texted back quickly. I could picture him thinking that I was desperate, and I’d scare him away faster than I could blink. While I wanted to explore our friendship more, I didn’t want to force him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t like it when people forced things on me after all.

  I could take us to a movie theater.

  No, I instantly replied. I have no money to go to a movie. I’m sorry, it was only a suggestion. There are a lot of places we can go to hang out.

  I knew that he meant well, but I wasn’t a leech like my mother, my brother, or my sister. I didn’t want that label slapped on me. Some of the labels that have been attached to me over the years were true, but some were so false and I had believed them for so long that they still haunted me. I couldn’t do it. I would not use William in the slightest way.

  My phone vibrated again. It’s no problem, really, Serenity. It’s the least I can do.

  Some old umbrage that had nothing to do with William festered in my mind. I couldn’t help it. It matters to me, I texted back. I’m not a user. I don’t want to use you. Please understand that.

  I couldn’t stop shaking. Why was I treating him like this?

  Maybe we can make plans another time, he quickly responded.

  I didn’t want that. I rocked and rocked. I screwed things up already. My body moved in a dull rhythm. What had I done? After Mom’s parental rights were taken away for good, I managed to screw up every good thing that had come my way. I’d snap and get mad. Like with William just now. I didn’t mean to snap. My message came across wrong. I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from, but now he didn’t want to hang out after all.

  I lay on the bed, frozen in time. Today had turned to shit, and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control any of this.

  Another vibration distracted me from my self-loathing. I didn’t mean to upset you, Serenity. I’m just not used to someone getting upset over a gift or even tickets to a movie. I just want to be able to return the favor.

  I inhaled slowly and let the exhale sooth my frayed nerves. William was a complicated man. I couldn’t begin to imagine what was he hoping to gain from this arrangement. He had obviously gravitated toward me for a reason. He may have been kind, but even someone wonderful could have an agenda. What did I have that others didn’t? What did he want from me?

  But then again, maybe he didn’t want anything. Maybe he just wanted to be a knight in shining armor.

  Let’s not fight. I’ll be there in five. Then we can think of something to do that’s free. Fair?

  I quickly replied, Sounds good.

  I put the phone down and took another deep breath. I was going to go out and have a good time. I deserved a break from my floundering thoughts and from the painful past that wouldn’t stop following me around. I changed into a summer dress, and after debating the idea of make-up for a few moments, I headed for the door.

  When I got outside, William was already waiting beside his car. He wore a sharp, pinstripe suit, which instantly put me on edge. Aside from our first few meetings, he typically changed before coming to pick me up, choosing something more casual, more fun. This time he was dressed formally as if he already had a destination in mind and wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

  “So, where are we going?” I asked tentatively.

  He smirked deviously. “You’ll see.” He halted, noting my hesitation. “Are you coming?”

  I nodded meekly. “Yes.” The cynicism I felt earlier was returning. Did he not believe me when I told him that I didn’t want him to keep doing me favors? This relationship — whatever it was or would become — couldn’t be one-sided. Whatever his intentions were, they didn’t sit well with me.

  When we both got in his car, silence overtook us. I shifted awkwardly in my seat. I didn’t want to think this way.

  William glowered at me. “What’s wrong?”

  “I— I don’t know,” I lied. The words left a bitter taste on my tongue. I hated to lie, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him why I suddenly felt so self-conscious but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Stupid.

  His expression warmed. “Well, let’s go. I just want to show you something.”

  My shoulders slumped. “Oh, okay. Let’s go.”

  “You had me worried for a second.” Once he had his
seatbelt on, he turned to look at me. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, Serenity. I don’t want you to feel like you’re using me.”

  I swallowed hard. “I’ve just been burned a lot of times and don’t want to do the same to anyone else.”

  Tell him about your mother, a little voice said.

  No! I answered firmly.

  He nodded and looked away.

  “What? What is it?” I asked, alarmed.

  “I was going to propose coming to pick you up in the mornings and taking you to work. After what happened with those louts, I don’t feel like it’s safe for you to walk there before sunrise.”

  I knew he was right. It wasn’t safe, and my safety should be a priority. I wanted to say yes, but then I would only owe him even more.

  I could only muster a weak, “I don’t know.”

  William didn’t respond as he turned down a street, heading downtown. He pulled into a back alley behind a row of high-rise apartments and guided the car smoothly into a parking spot. I noticed the building was only a few minutes’ drive from my house.

  “This is what I wanted to show you,” he said as he shifted the car into park.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  “This is my house,” he said. “Want to come in? I need to get changed anyway.”

  “Okay,” I said quickly. My excitement was brewing. He’s inviting me into his house! He took my suggestion to heart. He really considered what I had to say and here we were at his place. I wondered what it would be like inside.

  I followed him around to the front of the building. He retrieved his keys and let us into the lobby. To the right was a modest seating area with a little café. I could see an elevator to the left and a directory mounted above it. First Floor: Highland Dentist. Second Floor: Viker & Johnson Solicitors. Third Floor…

  The elevator door opened before I had a chance to finish reading.

  “I live on the seventh floor,” William said, interrupting my thoughts. “The seventh and eighth floors are residential suites.”

  I blinked at him, not sure what to say. Instead, I kept my mouth shut as the elevator doors closed in front of us.

  On William’s floor, we walked down a narrow hallway with six doors, three on each side. His place was the last room on the right.

  After fiddling with the lock, he opened the door and waved me inside. “Here it is!”

  The apartment was smaller than I anticipated. There was a tiny kitchen, a dining area, and a living room the size of my bedroom.

  “I know it isn’t much, but it’s close to work and your place,” he said, shutting the door behind him.

  “At least you have your own space,” I said as I looked around. “It’s much better than living with roommates.”

  I took off my shoes and followed him to the back room.

  “This is my bedroom,” he motioned. “And that door over there is the bathroom if you need to go.”

  I nodded.

  “I’m going to change. Make yourself at home.”

  I took a seat on his worn leather couch which barely fit in the small space. His place looked well lived in and comfortable; an attribute of home that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

  He exited his bedroom wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt and blue jeans and sat beside me on the couch.

  He scooted over a little so that he was closer to me. “I live so close by, I can just drop you off in the morning.” His smile grew, his cheeks rosy and warm. “It’s not even out of the way. I drive right by the bakery; why not save you the trip?”

  “But don’t you start work at 8 AM?”

  “Yeah, but I go in early most of the time to catch up on things. On the mornings I do sleep in, I always have a ton of work to take home. So it’s really a kick in the ass to me. See, helping you helps me. You know?”

  I sniggered. “I guess.” And there it was again: the awkwardness from before.

  However, before it could get ahold, he asked, “So? Is that a yes?”

  “Yes, I’ll let you, William. Come and take me to work so you can get up and be productive in the morning.”

  He sported a smile that spread from one ear to the other and maybe even a little farther.

  “If you put it that way, well, then…”

  William leaned in ever so gently. Our mouths interlocked. His lips were soft against mine. His breath had the subtle scent of mint, and my heart skipped a beat. The world around me descended into unfamiliar territory. Time seemed to stand still, whirling me into a merry-go-round of mixed emotions. Then we naturally parted. A wistful smile embraced his lips.

  “Tomorrow, 4:30 AM?” he affirmed.

  Words did not come easily, and the few that almost made it to my mouth got stuck in my throat. I just nodded while butterflies fluttered wildly in my stomach. He just kissed me! I got a glimpse of his smile, yet words failed us both. I wanted to know if this meant we were now more than just friends.

  Chapter 5

  It had been two weeks since William kissed me and we were still acting like everything was normal. Except it wasn’t normal. Everything was strange and transient.

  When we pulled up in front of the bakery, William brushed my curly brown hair away from my face, leaned in, and hugged me. “You have a great day, Serenity.”

  I stared at him and the butterflies in my stomach emerged like they usually did when he touched me. I had feelings for William, yet neither of us had dared to talk about that evening in his apartment. That kiss meant something, but instead of discussing it, we ran with the punches. I wanted something more, and I sensed William wanted the same. What was holding us back? I wanted to ask him if we were still just friends, or if we were a couple, or if it was something in-between. Had we reached that awkward past-being-friends-but-not-quite-in-a-relationship stage yet? It was all so confusing.

  “You have a great day too. Call you later.”

  I stepped out of the car and toward the door of the bakery. William stared at me and smiled before driving away. I stared at the taillights as they faded in the distance. When was I going to tell him how I felt?

  “What are you thinking about?” Zina asked, holding the door open for me.

  I turned and looked at her. “Nothing.” I managed a weak smile before following her into the bakery.

  “Ya thinking about that young hunk?”

  I nodded. “A little.” I couldn’t keep the smile from my face.

  “Why don’t you get on already and tell me what’s on ya mind? I do know one thing or another about relationships.”

  In the back room, I took my time getting ready. A knot formed in my throat. I wasn’t sure at all what to say; Zina would definitely think my dilemma was childish. It was so middle school. Girls worrying about petty things like if a guy liked her or not. I was an adult, and asking William if we were together or not shouldn’t have felt like some big, bad thing. I paced the little room for a few moments before I went to start my shift. Zina stood beside me at the large table, rolling her dough as I prepared my own.

  “So, what is on your mind?” she asked finally.

  “Nothing. It’s not important.”

  Zina chuckled. “Don’t you tell me it’s nothin’. I always hated it when my daughter used to say that, especially when ‘nothing’ was always code for something. Don’t discount your troubles as nothing. I’m always here to listen. I don’t judge.”

  I took a deep breath. “William, the boss’s friend, and I have been seeing each other — sorta — for a while.”

  Zina stopped rolling her dough and glared at me. “And?”

  I shifted nervously. “Well, we kissed.” I looked away, my face growing hot.

  Zina chuckled again. “No reason to be embarrassed. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  I reluctantly turned to look at her. “I guess. Except it hasn’t happened since, and I don’t know if it meant anything, or if it was a mistake.” Everything tumbled out at once, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to or not.

&nb
sp; Zina stopped what she was doing and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Do you think it was a mistake?”

  “No.”

  “Have you asked William how it made him feel?”

  I shook my head. “That’s the problem: I don’t know how to ask. I just don’t know how to approach it. I’m also afraid of rejection.”

  Zina glanced at me sympathetically. “I know how ya feel. I remember back in the day when I met my husband. I was a timid girl. I knew he liked me, and I think he knew I liked him. We spent a good few months talking, going out to the movies with our group of friends. We even hung out a few times — alone — before I gathered the courage to ask him if we could be exclusive. Turns out he was worried about the same things. He didn’t know if I would want to date him.” Zina paused, clearly reflecting on her youth. “I guess my point is, sometimes you just gotta go for it. If he continues to want to hang out with you, it’s likely he’s just as nervous.” She patted my shoulder once more before returning to work.

  I turned and focused on the task at hand. My mind was floundering again. I knew Zina was right. No man I had ever dated before wanted to spend as much time with me as William did. No man had ever offered to drive me to work in the morning. And why would William invite me back to his place if he didn’t like me? Was he just as reserved as I was? A part of me wondered if inviting me to his house was a huge step for him. Well, if he wasn’t going to bring up the status of our relationship, maybe I had to.

  “Thanks for the advice, Zina. I’m going to do it.”

  “That a girl,” she said with a wide grin.

  I finished another tray of dinner rolls and brought them over to the oven. After talking with Zina, I felt better, more at peace about my feelings. Mom used to tell me that life was too short to stress even though she stressed every day. Zina reminded me of my mother though she was more like the mother I wished I had. I loved my mother, but I so wished I could call her and tell her all about William and ask for her advice about what I should do. Instead, I shared my greatest fears with Zina, a work acquaintance. My throat itched, and I had to strain to keep myself from crying. One day I would have that kind of relationship with Mom.